Werewolf (1996)

This is one I've been wanting to get after for a long time now. Between the Richard Lynch, the Joe Estevez, and the fact that MST3K has hit it, it seemed like a sure bet. The question was, could I manage it without Mike and the 'Bots first?

Werewolf takes place in Flagstaff, Arizona, where some archaeologists led by Richard Lynch find what looks like a werewolf skeleton. Joe Estevez is one of a few local Native Americans hired by Lynch and his archaeologists-- and physically attacked by his ill-tempered colleague-- and he sees bad things in this skeleton, and he's right when his buddy turns into a werewolf too. Then some dude comes into town, and he's also attacked by Lynch's ill-tempered colleague, getting slashed by the werewolf skull. As you can imagine, he turns into a werewolf too, and all hell breaks loose.



Wow, this is all kinds of bad. Slow moving broken up with some hilarious moments of ineptitude. Not to mention, the main stars after Lynch and Estevez all speak English as a second language, and sound stilted and unnatural when they deliver their lines, making for more unintentionally funny moments. What makes it a tough watch though is the long periods of inactivity. In a group this is something that could probably be handled, and if you can handle it, you'll be rewarded with some amazing stuff, including a werewolf driving a car into some exploding barrels, one of the funniest werewolf horror movie kills in the history of film, and a well proportioned female archaeologist wearing a white tank top with no bra in a chilly pool hall.

That being said, the MST3K version is the definite choice if you're attempting this solo. Think of it like rock climbing-- it's safer to have someone there to hold the rope and guide you through the route, and the MST3K guys are experts. This also had some pretty funny host segments, which wasn't always the case during the late Mike era. The best jokes for me came during the werewolf driving sequence, where they made cracks about him behaving like a dog: "I hope he remembered to crack the window for himself" "He's just going to run around in the back seat while he's driving" [about the traffic lights:] "Hey, I'm color blind!" They also used lycanthrope as a verb, referring to the werewolf transformation as "lycanthroping". Top to bottom an excellent episode.



One of the things that struck me about the MST3K heckling was that they didn't know who Richard Lynch is. In one scene where he had a white sweater on, they joked about how much he looked like a grandmother. It really elucidated the dividing line between what we do and what MST3K does, because, while we both watch bad movies, they do it for a job, and we do it for fun. They have no idea who Richard Lynch is, and they're cool with that; we know exactly who Richard Lynch is, and with a movie like this, seeing his name on the cover is a selling point. Is that a bad thing?

Joe Estevez is only in this at the beginning, and then for whatever reason, he's gone. The hair is fantastic. He must've had other things going on, because he would've been great throughout the film, especially with that hair. The guy does like five or six movies a year, so I wonder if it's a deal where, if a film maker wants him in his or her film, they have to lock him up quick, or he's already committed to like three projects and the best they can hope for is a cameo at the beginning. He has over 215 acting credits on imdb. I wonder if that's a record, and if it isn't, how many he needs to break it.



MST3K brought up a great point about werewolves: they aren't very canine-ish, if you know what I mean. They're more like felines in the things they can do. I mean, how many dogs do you see climb buildings or trees? How about use their claws to attack people? I get that they're supposed to be half human half wolf, but maybe half human half tiger would make more sense. Also, loved the Native American connection to werewolves in this, ten years or so before Twilight.

The stand-alone DVD of this is no longer in print, and can be kind of pricey on Amazon. The VHS is much less so, so that may be the way to go if you're thinking of attacking this without Mike and the 'Bots. The MST3K version, on the other hand, is available on Netflix Watch Instantly, which was how I watched it. I think you're better off letting them do the heavy lifting, but if you and you're friends are looking for a challenge, this could be worth it.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118137/

Warrior of the Lost World (1983)

I first saw this when it aired on MST3K, and absolutely loved it, especially the Mega-Weapon interview sketch at the end. Recently, the original un-MST3K'd version popped up on Netflix Watch Instantly, and with the MST3K version already up there as well, it gave me the idea to review both versions in one post, which I've done all this week with Space Mutiny, Cave Dwellers, and Soultaker.

Warrior of the Lost World stars Robert Ginty (or The Paper Chase Guy as he's referred to by Joel and The 'Bots) as a post-apocalyptic warrior traveling outside the Omega Zone, which is a dystopian dictatorship run by Donald Pleasence. After a run-in with their guards, and then some dangerous misfits on the outskirts, he crashes through a mountain wall and finds a mystical enclave which is seeking to overthrow Pleasence. They fix Ginty up and send him in with Persis Khambatta to get her dad out before he's executed. In the attempt, Khambatta is captured, and now dad, Ginty Moore Beef Stew, the misfits, and DTVC Hall of Famer Fred Williamson need to rescue her, take down the Omega, and bring The New Way and freedom back to the world.

I don't want to come off as a contrarian or troller or some other such person looking to pick an argument or just be different for the sake of being different by saying this is good on its own without the MST3K riffs, because that's not what I mean when I say that. What I'm saying is, on its own, it has some great so-good-it's-bad qualities, plus some great early 80s exploitation qualities, that when paired with the cast, make it right up the alleys of myself and many who peruse the DTVC. It's very Cirio H. Santiago or Bruno Mattei, though it's David Worth, which is a name we've come across before too, so it makes sense that it's a lot of fun. The vehicles, the characters, the action--especially the exploding cars--it's all a lot of fun, and worth checking out--no pun intended.

Now, all that being said, I don't want to take anything away from the great job Joel and The 'Bots do on this bad boy, because it's really hilarious. I think that's the key to making a statement like the one I just made above, understanding that the movie isn't better without their riffing, it's just good and different on it's own merits, if that makes sense. Joel and The 'Bots provide a great template for your own riffing adventure as you tackle a gem like this. As far as cuts to the original go, they removed an execution that comes before the one the father is about to have before he's rescued, plus some language issues, and a speech by the father after Ginty takes out the misfits in the battle royale. Nothing too crazy, though they add to the overall enjoyment if you're going at this sans the guys on the SOL. Oh, and in the stand-alone version, the opening backstory is given in still text, as opposed to the Star Wars rolling style, making it much easier to read.

I just checked, and it's been over a year since the last Fred Williamson flick. I know, I suck as a human being. How the hell did that happen? This is only his tenth movie overall as well. Not a good number for a Hall of Famer. It's definitely something I'll need to fix in the future. As far as this movie goes, he's more of a supporting part, but he has some funny scenes. I think if they ever made a sequel, he would've had a bigger role in that. Anyway, you can trust that it won't be over a year until our next Williamson post, I won't let that happen again.

The late Robert Ginty Moore Beef Stew is the main star in this. He sounds like a Kennedy with his accent, which, when combined with his somewhat dopey look and slow delivery, is hilarious. Joel and The 'Bots drive home just how funny in a sketch where they depict his character going for his license. I believe this is only Ginty's second film at the DTVC, the other Lady Dragon--another David Worth original. That brings up the classic The Exterminator conversation, that it's one I absolutely have to do with a blog like this, and I know, I'll get to it eventually. Right now it's in a weird limbo state where Netflix doesn't offer it, but it's available new on DVD at Amazon, so I'll have to buy it if I want it, which is never a good thing. For right now we'll just have to settle for his too-sweet goodness here in Warrior of the Lost World.

Persis Khambatta, she of the bald alien in Star Trek: The Motion Picture fame, has a full head of hair here. She passed away in 1998, at only age 49, of a heart attack. Other than a part in Nighthawks, her career really fizzled after Star Trek, perhaps because no one really knew what to do with a woman of Indian descent in the film business in the early 80s. That's too bad, because the market has really turned around, especially post-Slumdog Millionaire, and she probably would've found more work in bigger films today.

As of this posting, both the MST3K and stand-alone versions are available on Netflix Watch Instantly. I'd take advantage of both, watching the non-MST3K version first, then enjoying Joel and The 'Bots after. I think both work really well and are both worth your time--again, no pun intended. Also, I posted the Mega-Weapon interview from the show on the image page, which you can go to by clicking on any pictures in this post.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088380/

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Soultaker (1990)

I first saw this on MST3K, but I don't remember exactly when that was-- late college maybe. At that time, Robert Z'Dar wasn't known as Robert Z'Dar, but rather the dude with the big face from Future War... man have times changed.

Soultaker was written by the lead actress so she'd have a film to star in (so the story goes on MST3K). It stars Joe Estevez ("I don't think anything is ever starring Joe Estevez!") as a Soultaker, a dude who collects one's soul after her or she kicks the bucket. His superior is Robert Z'Dar, and Z'Dar gives him the task of taking the souls of five kids who die in a massive auto accident. Somehow, though, the souls are displaced, and Estevez sees a unique opportunity to live with the soul of one of the girls, because she looks like a woman he dated and killed back in the Old West. Now these kids whose souls are displaced need to escape Estevez and make it back to their bodies before the doctors pull the plug.



According to imdb, this won a Saturn award in 1992. Huh? This was an out-and-out painfest. Beyond being pretty boring, it had all these rules about dying and the afterlife-- that it never followed! When the souls are displaced, Z'Dar tells Estevez that in order to track them he has to "abide by the laws of time and space." Does he? No, he shape-shifts and has shotgun bullets go through him, which in itself was amazing, considering a scene before he was felled by a nine iron blow to the back. It had a few hilarious moments, like one where the mom-- a dissimulated Estevez-- is watching her daughter undress for a bath; or how one of the characters looked like former Chicago Bears QB Jim McMahon (sp?), but those were few and unfortunately far between. Maybe if there were a few more of those, plus more Estevez and Z'Dar and less about the kids, this might have passed for a so-bad-it's-good, but it even failed there.

This was something of a landmark episode for the show, because they brought back TV's Frank and Joel for the host segments. I believe it was also the tenth anniversary. All that did was remind me how much better the host segments were before Joel and Frank left. As far as the actual riffing of the movie went, it was very solid, especially at the end when Servo and Crow went off on a huge rant about how the film should've ended. Nelson always excelled as a straight man in those scenarios, and he was particularly funny in that moment. If anything, the film was very entertaining with their commentary, and very hard to watch without it.



Mike and The 'Bots described DTVC favorite Robert Z'Dar as "a catcher's mitt with eyes." Ouch. He kind of plays a good guy here, and as you can see, he has a thick, blond mullet to boot. On top of that, he has a major voice distortion effect, I guess because he's middle-management in heaven. He's not in the film much, though, which is kind of too bad, and the voice distortion removed one of my favorite Z'Dar acting instruments: how he sounds like a phone sex operator or obscene caller when he tries to blot out his Chicago accent and replace it with sophisticated sounding discourse. "Hey Joe Estevez, what are you wearing?" "Is this Robert Z'dar again?" "[cough cough] Ah no, ha ha, what makes you say that?"

Speaking of Mr. Estevez, I believe this is only his second film we've done. Is that right? Out of 200+ credits, almost all of which are DTVC worthy, the only other one of his I've done is No Code of Conduct, with his brother Martin and his nephew "Charles"? Wow, how is it that 600+ posts here and 200+ films of his have only crossed paths that one (and now a second) time? That has to be some kind of statistical anomaly. At least he's tagged now, and we'll see about getting his ass up here some more-- Christ, 200+ films, that's Hall of Fame territory. He is in a film called Guns and Lipstick that I've been trying like a trooper to get my hands on, but it's always too expensive. In addition to Estevez, it also has Wings Hauser and Evan Lurie.



This car shows up at the very end of the film. Had it been in it more, I bet I would've liked the movie more. What is it, a Caddy or something? I don't know much about cars, but I know enough to say that's pretty awesome. The thing I really wanted to discuss in this paragraph is the tagline about how "there's no stairway to heaven." Forget how silly and cheesy it is, it reminded me of a line my buddy I hike with told me, that expert mountaineers call Denali's West Buttress route the "wheelchair ramp to the summit." I know that's really in bad taste, considering hiking mountains is one of the most apparent joys people confined to wheelchairs aren't able to savor, but it's always freaked me out, because I'll probably never hit Denali someday, but the idea that spending a few weeks on a frozen mountain at such a high altitude could be written off by some as a "wheelchair ramp to the summit", just blows my mind, especially when I think about some of the shit I've done that's kicked my ass and isn't even a fraction of what it takes to do Denali.

All right, we're way off track here, so let's reel me back in. You can get the MST3K version as we speak on Netflix Watch Instantly, and it's plenty worth it. The movie itself is way too expensive from Amazon on DVD (like $50!), but the VHS is around $1, which is like $4 with shipping, which isn't too bad, except you're buying Soultaker sans Mike and The 'Bots, which is pretty painful.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100665/

Ator l'invincibile 2 aka The Blade Master aka Cave Dwellers (1984)

When I decided to do an MST3K themed week, I knew I had to have Cave Dwellers, but when I started watching it, I was like "wow, this has too many memories to not be a milestone post. maybe I should save it for something like 750." But then I realized that it wouldn't be an MST3K week without this, so I decided to split the difference and make this the size of a milestone post. Hopefully that does it justice.

Cave Dwellers (also known as The Blade Master on the US video market) is the sequel to Ator the Fighting Eagle, and picks up sometime after that one left off. Some wise, dull, sage-like dude has invented a very powerful weapon called the geometric nucleus, and if it falls into the wrong hands-- say, like the Evil Long-Haired John Saxon-Type Guy who just invaded the castle-- it could be very bad for humanity. So the old dude sends his daughter to find Ator, so he can defeat the John Saxon-Type Guy and destroy the nucleus.



Without Joel and The 'Bots, The Blade Master (I believe Cave Dwellers is the US TV title) takes some chops to handle, but if you think you have the stuff, it can be a lot of fun. According to imdb, the dialog was almost entirely improvised, and in a lot of instances, it shows, which can be very tedious-- especially when the dull old guy is talking. On the other hand, the list of great things is long and fantastic. Ator hang glides. Everyone wears household items or swag they picked up shopping at antique stores for their medieval garb and armor. There's a growling snake puppet, a warrior mime, and a 70s era gigolo as a high priest. There are tons of gaffs, like ATV tire tracks, and a dude rocking Ray-Bans. If you're looking for a bad movie, you've found a doozey here.

The biggest difference between the MST3K version and the one on VHS (and probably DVD), is the opening and closing credits, because The Blade Warrior, which I watched for this review, had a credit sequence that was part of the film, not some footage from a random movie like Joel and The 'Bots had. As far as the actual riff job goes, I'm not sure if this is their best, but for me, this is the best movie/riff combination, if that makes sense. The movie itself is pretty funny, but their jokes on top of that make it hilarious, plus the host segments were great, especially the ones with TV's Frank. Whenever I introduce someone to MST3K, I go with this one. (As an aside, a friend in college, who grew up without cable and had never seen MST3K, rented The Blade Master from his local video store when he was in high school. When I showed him the MST3K version, he was like "Oh my God, I've seen this!" He's the only person I know who's seen the non-MST3K version first.)



I was trying to think how many lines from this have crossed over into my everyday life with my friends. It's either this one or Mitchell that have the most, but as I was watching it, I think this one might have more. "I like it, make it shorter I'll buy it" is a line I still use all the time, whether the people I'm around get it or not. I'll put on a pair of goggles, just so when someone asks "what are the goggles for?" I can answer "eye protection." Then there's "wait for it, wait for it" from the invention exchange sketch with the Mads, plus "if you had your druthers..." from the opening sketch. And you can't forget "No!" Whenever we watch a Miles O'Keeffe movie, someone always says "how much Keeffe is in this film?" and whenever someone is arrested in a movie, we say "I'll bake you a [rice] cake with a file in it." I know there are more, I just can't think of them off the top of my head.

One great Cave Dwellers line usage that we still talk about among my buddies came about five years ago, when a friend and I were in Harvard Square. He was spending about $300 at the Games Workshop store on Warhammer stuff, and about ten minutes before that we had stopped at Urban Outfitters, and I saw a pair of Diesels for $150. The guy ringing my buddy up at Games Workshop was this big doughy dorky guy with a greasy beard and the "I review Transformers on YouTube" voice, and he's telling my buddy how he spends like $1500 a month on Warhammer stuff, even with his employee discount. Anyway, so my buddy's stuff is rung up, and the total is around $300, and I remark that that's the same cost as two pairs of jeans at Urban Outfitters. The guy behind the counter is like "you spent $300 on two pairs of jeans?" and we explained about the Diesels we'd just saw, and he says "oh, good, I was gonna say, if you spent $300 on two pairs of jeans, I'd have lost all respect for you." Almost on instinct, I say to my buddy "and you know how important... is my esteem." The guy didn't get it, but that's been our joke ever since, whenever anyone says anything similar.



This is the film where Miles O'Keeffe's legend was born, and though it alone didn't get him his spot as an inaugural Hall of Famer, it was our need to find more of his movies in VHS bargain bins afterwards that did it. Recently I noticed that I have been misspelling his name all this time, calling him "O'Keefe" instead of "O'Keeffe". I should probably go back and fix the tags and the posts, considering it's kind of not fair to him, but I figured I'd take this opportunity here to formerly apologize. Mr. O'Keeffe, I'm sincerely sorry for misspelling your name. I'm sure your too sweet pecs won't mind too much though. ("Too sweet pecs", another line from this one I go to a lot.)

Lisa Foster plays the daughter, and in watching it without Joel and The 'Bots, I noticed how she had a very 1960s/1970s aesthetic, with her hair and her big eyes, that really made this movie feel like it was made back then, and not 1984. There's a whole Barbarella-style vibe with her, that kind of borders on exploitation-flick, and adds another level of camp to the film-- as if it needed it. I should also point out to my shirtless male bondage fans, this might be the motherload. "No!"



I'm sure if you've been rockin' with the DTVC for some time, you know one of my hobbies is hiking, which is something I've only picked up since the summer of 2008, meaning after I started the blog. Anyway, I hadn't seen this since before I started hiking, and as such, hadn't noticed the great mountains in the scenery. This time around though, I'm like "wow, how awesome it must've been to shoot around here, between the great castle, and these amazing mountains." Except, all the mountains and castle scenes from above were taken from When Eagles Dare-- filmed in anamorphic widescreen, as Tom Servo pointed out. They were still amazing though.

This is not the easiest find, but it is available cheap on both VHS and DVD. Before you see it, I'd go with the MST3K version, because that really is a rite of passage for a bad movie honk, and it's available on Netflix Instant Watch as of me writing this post. It really is the perfect combination of bad movie and great riffing, an out-and-out classic.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086972/

Space Mutiny (1988)

I first saw this in college, when my uncle made me a bunch of VHS tapes of MST3K episodes he'd taped off the Sci-Fi (now SyFy) Channel. It was an instant hit among my friends, and it propelled Reb Brown into star status for us, along with greats like Miles O'Keeffe and Wings Hauser. At the time I had no idea what blogging was, let alone that I'd have a blog about DTV movies where I'd come across this again in this capacity, but here we are.

Space Mutiny takes place on board a vast space ship with an enormous basement and boiler room called The Southern Sun. A group of people, led by police chief John Phillip Law, want to mutiny and steer the ship into pirate territory so they can live on an actual planet, and they would've gotten away with it too, if space pilot David Ryder hadn't escaped death when his ship crashed into the Southern Sun's docking bay. But he did survive, and now it's curtains for the mutineers.

It's funny how, after doing this blog for four years, and the larger knowledge base I have now as opposed to when I was in college in 2002, I'm not exactly more forgiving, but I see things now that I didn't see then that change my opinion. For instance, that this is an Action International Picture, meaning I know better the context that it was coming from. I know who Reb Brown is, and John Phillip Law and Cameron Mitchell. That being said, we're still talking about a bad movie that hits all the so bad it's good notes, from the floor buffing devices that pass for high-speed vehicles, to the dead girl who shows up two scenes later, to Red Brown's screaming and Cameron Mitchell looking like Santa Claus, all the way down to the major factory basement that passes for the inside of a space ship. It's no Deadly Prey in the A.I.P. context, but it's no slouch either.

As far as the MST3K episode goes, for the actual riffing on the film aspect, this is one of the best ever. The sketches, especially the stuff with Pearl Forrester in a Roman dungeon, left quite a bit to be desired, so if you have this on DVD or VHS, you might want to fast forward past those. Another thing to note, there are a few scenes that are cut that you'll see if you watch this sans Mike and the 'Bots, including an action sequence and a few parts that might make the story work better, but it's not really anything that diminished from the high quality of their complete dismantling. It's like a gold standard for you and your buddies to follow when you tackle it yourselves.

This is the second John Phillip Law film we've done, the first being Alienator. I would say, after the absolute silliness of Reb Brown, Law was what made this film great. You could tell he was totally having fun with it, and I think he relished the opportunity to play a diabolical baddie in such a low-budget sci-fi flick. He passed away in 2008 at the age of 70, but his last film was something he did with Lorenzo Lamas, among many others, called Chinaman's Chance, which was supposed to come out in 2008, but as of right now is still in limbo. Law's most known film is probably Barbarella.

Slab Bulkhead. Tank Concrete. Thick McRunfast. Lump Beefbroth. Reb Brown. Yes, we know him affectionately as Reb Brown, and when, in the opening credits the word "starring" pops up and Crow remarks "I doubt this film is 'starring' anyone," we know better. He's a star to us, right? While I freely admit that it was watching Space Mutiny on their episode that introduced me to the awesomeness that is Reb Brown, based on gems like Robowar and Strike Commando (which as of this writing I have yet to review), I would've come across him sooner or later. Here's to you Reb Brown, you're one of the good ones.

Action International Pictures is that tier or two below Cannon and PM Entertainment, instead of B or C, it's like F or something. They both made their own in-house no-budget productions, like this bad boy, and they distributed similar films from abroad, like low-budget Italian flicks. So far this is only the third AIP flick we've done, the others being the aforementioned Deadly Prey, and the Wings Hauser great Mind, Body, and Soul. It's material we've only begun to mine, but rife with so much potential, I can't wait to do more.

Based on its popularity through MST3K, you can actually rent this from Netflix. I believe it is for that reason as well that the MST3K version is no longer available from them. I don't know if that's a smart move, if that was the move that was made, because in my mind, MST3K only helps sell these schlockfests. Unless you're a die hard bad movie honk who loves him or herself some Reb Brown, I'd stick with the MST3K version, even if it becomes harder to find. Also of note, on the image page I uploaded a couple videos, the "ooh!" scene when Reb Brown runs down some stairs, and the end credits, which is my personal fave.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096149/

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Alien from L.A. (1988)

Like many people, I first saw this on MST3K. I didn't see that Albert Pyun directed it, and didn't put two-and-two together that the genius behind Cyborg directed a film panned by Mike and the 'Bots. Now, maybe fifteen years later, I have a blog where I review DTV movies, and Albert Pyun is in my Hall of Fame, so I have the task of watching it sans silhouettes.

Alien from LA has Kathy Ireland as geeky girl from the beach who finds out her professor-father fell down a bottomless pit in Northern Africa. She follows him out there, falls down the same pit, and finds herself in the lost city of Atlantis. Because this film was made in 1988, the locals don't call it Hotlantis or the ATLS, and the inhabitants look like something out of a 1984 New Wave video. Now Ireland has to find her dad, escape back to the surface, and put on that bikini we've all been waiting for her to wear.



This was hard to deal with without Mike and the 'Bots to mock it. Very slow, lots of things not happening. It's just this endless cycle of Ireland almost being caught by someone, escaping, telling people about herself, and then almost being caught again. Netflix described it as a slick retelling of Jules Verne's Journey to the Center of the Earth. I don't know if by "slick" they mean Deep Roy with disgustingly long, red eye lashes, but I didn't see a lot of slick going on. What it needed was Sasha Mitchell kicking people's asses. Cute and quirky works when something's happening, but nothing was happening here.

I wasn't sure if I should be hard on this or not considering I now know Albert Pyun is reading my posts. But when I found myself knee deep (Roy) in a plot that didn't look like it would ever resolve itself, I felt like I had to be honest. I do wonder, though, what it's like as a director to have a film used in an episode of MST3K. I've seen plenty here at the DTVC that could've been used, and one other, Future War, that was used, so it's always kind of crossed my mind. Is it an honor, is it taken in stride, or is it a low point? I will say, as far as Alien from LA goes, the MST3K commentary makes the film complete-- fills in the dull parts, if you will.



Kathy Ireland is supposed to be playing a type of ugly duckling that matures and becomes a beautiful swan by the end of the film. I didn't see it. She had big glasses that were very unflattering. Big deal, she's also very hot. She had a high-pitched voice. Again, big deal. It was only hard to listen to when she spoke loudly, which she barely did. I guess she wined a lot, which would've been tough to deal with, so maybe the point of the film was she learned to wine less, and became beautiful. I don't know.

The hero was played by a dude who's been in tons of Perry Mason TV movies. My mom eats that kind of stuff up, so I've seen him a bunch. He dons this atrocious Australian accent, which sounds fake right from the jump. How anyone can't do an Australian accent is beyond me. And you call yourself an actor? I think it's funny too when people mistake accents for dialects. Dialects are almost separate languages. Speaking a Russian dialect does not mean speaking English with a Russian accent, it means speaking an actual form of the Russian language.



Pyun mainstay Thom Mathews makes an appearance. Maybe I should tag him. I think he's been in like five or six other films on the DTVC. Norbert Weisser, another Pyun mainstay is tagged, along with Vincent Klyn. I think I did have him tagged at one time, but deleted it. Does it really matter? Are there any Thom Mathews fans out there that'll be upset if I don't? Are there any Norbert Weisser fans out there that are happy that I did? I'm a huge Vincent Klyn fan, and I'm stoked I tagged him.

If you're going to see this, make sure it's the MST3K version. You'll dig that one more. If you're looking for good Pyun, stick with Cyborg, Nemesis, Omega Doom, etc. More action, less snoozefactor.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092532/

Future War (1997)

My buddies and I first saw this classic on MST3K. Being a big Bernhardt fan from his work on the Mortal Kombat show and the Bloodsport movies, the film was particularly special. But it's also sufficiently ridiculous to make a solid MST3K episode.

Future War is about neither a war or the future. It's about these cyborgs that have enslaved the human race in the future, and Bernhardt plays one that's escaped. For some reason the cyborgs go back in time to take slaves. Also, there's a big ship that's in play. The cyborgs use dinosaurs as trackers when a slave escapes. Bernhardt, in escaping the dinosaurs, falls into the clutches of a drug user turned nun who tries to help him. He learns English quickly and recruits her and her teen gang to give their lives to save his from the dinosaurs. In the end Bernhardt heroically saves the day.



This film is a work of beauty. I'm still not exactly sure what the film makers were going for, and I think that makes it all the more endearing. The dinosaurs are extremely hilarious. I don't know why they're there, what they're doing, or how they kill people. Also, when they die, they explode into a cloud of dust. I'm surprised the Christian Right doesn't use this film to refute the dinosaur's existence. If they all explode into clouds of dust when they die, then how do paleontologists find their bones?

The cyborg chasing Bernhardt is sweet too. He's got this big, doughy face, and looks more silly than imposing. His two main modes of attack on Bernhardt are his arm, which shoots a collar that attaches itself to Bernhardt's neck and restricts his movement; and his superhuman strength, which he uses to throw Bernhardt through stacks of empty boxes. He also indiscriminately kills other people, which gives the movie a slasher film element.

This may be Bernhardt's best role. He's extremely believable as the human slave who becomes fluent in English in a day or two, and can out fight large, plastic dinosaurs. When some investigators cut out this large tracking device from the back of his neck, you can really see in his face just how absurd it is. He can also stab dinosaurs with a knife, leave the knife in it, then have it magically reappear in his hand.



This film has a tribute to the Bunuel classic Viridiana. It has the soon-to-be nun who takes in a bunch of riff-raff that no one else believes in, and gives them a chance at a better life. I'm wondering if the film makers had trouble reconciling Bunuel's ending, where the riff-raff take advantage of the woman's largess by destroying her late aunt's nice house, and two of them almost rape her; because here the riff-raff performs admirably as they give their lives to the dinosaurs and cyborgs so Bernhardt can save the day. On the other hand, they may be making the statement that that's all the poor are good for. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this by finding a connection between this and the greatest Spanish director of all time, and really the film makers just thought the idea of a nun with a sordid past was hot.

You could probably buy this for like $5 on DVD. Do it. You won't be disappointed. Whether you're a novice or a pro at mocking films, this is a must have. If you can get the MST3K version of it, do that too. They did a great job, as they always do, in making a silly film even better. You just can't go wrong here.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113135/