Hellfire (2026)

There was a time when the newest Dolph film would sit in my Netflix queue as I eagerly anticipated when it would finally be released and sent to me, and I would review it soon after. Now we live in the world of streaming and rent VOD, so I need to wait for a $1 movie night from Xfinity instead of ponying up $6 to rent it, which happened last weekend, so we're able to get this review on the site now.

Hellfire is an Isaac Florentine joint that takes place in 1988/2022 and involves a town in Texas/Arkansas that has been totally taken over by drug kingpin Harvey Keitel, and he forces the townsfolk to pack his drugs and do other crimes for him. That's when drifter and former Vietnam Vet Stephen Lang drifts into town, looking for work doing odd jobs so he can get some food and move on--or is he? When he sees a wheelchair bound Chris Mullinax and his daughter Scottie Thompson being terrorized by Keitel's son Michael Sirow, he decides to step in and show off a little Lang Fu. The problem is, has he made more trouble for the town than if he'd just left well enough alone? And is having a mustachioed Dolph as the corrupt sheriff enough to save this movie?

The answer unfortunately is no, because he's barely in this. While it has its moments, and I liked a lot of the modern Western touches, the film misses in a few key areas. One, we get long stretches of nothing happening, especially to start, and I was okay with that because they were building tension, but when we did finally get action, with a car chase leading into a cat-and-mouse shoot-out in an abandoned factory, it was more repetitive than action, which made me feel like "is that it?" Second, part of that tension is wondering if Lang will save these townsfolk, and spoiler alert, he doesn't. Wait, what? Aren't the townsfolk the whole point? Apparently not, so let's just gun them down and massacre them all. And then third... I'm sorry, I need to come back to the townsfolk massacre, so Lang comes into town, and they all end up dead as a result? And this all happens while Lang is lying on the ground with a massive head wound, which he eventually recovers from to deliver some Lang Fu on the baddies. Good for him I guess. If I had had to pay $6 for this I would've been pissed, and if I didn't have a review site where this would've been content, I would've been pissed paying $1 for it, but when it finally makes it to streamers like Tubi, it might be an okay way to spend 90 minutes.

Movie number 77 on the site for Dolph, and while he's not in it much, he does play a mustachioed Southern sheriff, so there's that. I don't know how much more we need from Dolph at this stage in his career, though maybe him being the star would be it? In fact he did a film similar to this, Missionary Man, which I have in my top 20 Dolph films (you can find our Dolph Lundgren Letterboxd list on the left sidebar), and in which he didn't let everyone die. Anyway, 77 means he's close to the 80 Club, which would be a massive milestone among many massive milestones Dolph's had on the site. To get there, we have Sharknado 5, which he's barely been in, but we can do; and the dreaded Fat Slags, which I've been warned against, but will have to do eventually. From there we'll probably need to wait for One Last Shot or Straight Shot to come out, though doing something like Mike & Nick & Nick & Alice would also work. So 80 will happen, it's more a matter of if than when, and you can be sure when we do movies number 78 and 79 for him, this paragraph for those will probably read like this one does.

Our film's other Hall of Famer is director Isaac Florentine, and while this is technically his most recent film out, it was shot in 2022 before his second-most recent film, Hounds of War, which Ty and I will be covering on an upcoming podcast episode. Speaking of Hounds of War, it's one of only three films of his that we haven't reviewed on the site, the other two being High Voltage, which I've watched and was going to be reviewed in this slot until I had a chance to get this movie on cheap rental; and Desert Kickboxer, which as far as I know is on YouTube, but is the only one of his I haven't seen. I think High Voltage is a great comparison to this one, because they both play out like modern Westerns, but High Voltage has a higher action quotient, and has a more fun premise too. Because I'm not counting Max Havoc: Curse of the Dragon as one of his directed films--Albert Pyun did most of it, but it's still enough for Florentine to get tagged--this makes 15 for him now on the site, and I'd say out of those 15, this is maybe 15th, or 14th above Assassin's Bullet, which makes this sound horrible, but instead I'd say that this shows the high floor Florentine has with his films, because it's not that bad. 15 directed films also puts him alone in fourth all-time on the site, behind Pyun (44), Fred Olen Ray (17), and Joseph Merhi (17), and while three movies left may sound like he can catch Ray and Merhi, they both have a lot more to review, so even if he does catch either of them, it'll be short-lived until he gets more stuff out there. But still, a great run, and as we said, if this is the worst of them, that's not bad.

The two other big names in this were the lead, Stephen Lang; and the lead baddie, Harvey Keitel. Lang was great as the stoic, humble hero, and while maybe the Lang Fu was a bit much, the rest of it really worked. Keitel was a more interesting one, because I caught Who's That Knocking at My Door a few days before I watched this, and the difference in Keitel between the two films was immense, not just because of the difference in age and difference in the quality of the movie. It was hard to reconcile that they were the same person. His part was small here, and didn't require a lot from him, but it does help the film if he's the baddie for even only a few scenes. And then I want to mention Michael Sirow, someone we're more likely to see on a podcast episode with Ty. He does a great rage bait baddie, and reminded me that before we had rage bait on Instagram or TikTok as a way to farm engagement, rage bait was reserved for movies like this, and was designed to enhance the viewing experience, not be the viewing experience in and of itself. It feels like a more noble pursuit, Sirow playing the biggest jerkoff he can so we root for Lang that much more, as opposed to an algorithm pushing me more content of a guy putting insulting bumper stickers on F-450s after their jerkoff owners double-park over two ADA accessible spaces. Less algorithm-drawn rage bait keeping me on my social media apps, and more Sirow taking one for the team like the professional actor he is, that's what we all need.

Finally, I feel like this seventh paragraph is becoming "what song did the film's title get in Matt's head this week?" And true to form, the song is The Prodigy's "Fire," which samples The Crazy World of Arthur Brown's "Fire," repeating the line "I am the God of Hellfire, and I bring you... fire" over and over. In 1997 I went on a school trip to England, and being a Prodigy fan at that time I got as many of their UK release singles as a could, assuming there was no way I could get them in the US. Turned out I was wrong, because as the band had blown up in the States, soon after all of those import CD singles were not only available, but they were cheaper, and I wouldn't have had to lug them from tour stop to tour stop--and would've had more money for the pubs, which was a big deal for an 18-year-old like me who wasn't legal to drink in bars in the US. Also, soon after the trip, I saw a freshman wearing a Prodigy T-shirt, and suddenly they weren't as cool to me anymore. Ah, the capriciousness of youth, right? And here we are almost 30 years later with me remarking about the whole thing in a blog post.

And with that, let's wrap this up. Rent VOD is currently the only way to go on this, and I'd say unless you get a discount, you're better off waiting. This is more a free-streamer time-killer than a $6 splurge, and if you're really craving Dolph, he has like 30 movies in Tubi, you could always give one of those a rewatch.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt14507394/

Onlyfangs (2025)

This was another screener request from producer/publicist Joe Williamson, and considering how well a lot of the ones he's sent us have been, I was excited to check this one out too... until I saw the almost 2-hour runtime. I finally took the plunge though and made it happen, so let's see how it did.

Onlyfangs is about a group of vampire ladies who finally rise up against the evil vampire master who had kept them enslaved, and cut out on their own. While their leader Scarlett (Nina Lanee Kent), and two other veteran vampires in the group, Selena (Adriana Uchishiba) and Zooey (Meredith Mohler) head out to bars and other guys hangouts to feed, newly minted vampire Reese (Kansas Bowling) goes on dates and feeds that way. After she bites Wes (Drew Marvick), and he doesn't die, he comes up with the idea of Onlyfangs, a site where guys can pay to have hot vampire women bite them. He gets his sister Gwen (Jessa Jupiter Flux) to do the camera work, and they go to work, creating the newest internet sensation. But then trouble starts. First, Scarlett wants more power; and then a MAGA senator (Ellie Church) starts investigating them. Will everyone live happily ever after?

Overall I really enjoyed this, it brought me back to 90s Full Moon movies or Jim Wynorski horror spoofs. The only thing with those, of course, is they all ran under 90 minutes, some even under 80 minutes, while this is clocking in at close to two hours. Watching it I can see why though. The filmmakers, Angelica De Alba and Paul Ragsdale, got a lot of help from people they had worked with before to make this happen, and I imagine when you get that kind of support, especially from people you're friends with, it's hard to tell them after "hey, remember those hours you put in helping us? Well, unfortunately we had to cut your scene from the movie." Look at the biggest movie right now, Spider-Man: Brand New Day, Rosario Dawson was all excited to tell her family she was in it, and then her scene was cut. And so if I'm De Alba and Ragsdale, I'd rather keep the scene and make someone like me afraid to watch it for the runtime, than have to have that conversation with a friend. And to be fair, that's probably the only real issue I have with the film. The messaging the filmmakers wanted to get across is clear, everyone seems like they're having a great time, and other than that runtime, it's everything I want in a horror comedy. Joe sent us another winner!

The standout for me was Kansas Bowling's Reese. To some extent she's so good that it undermines the ensemble quality the film was going for, because we'd lose her for periods of the film while other characters were being developed, but she was so strong in her performance that it was hard to not want the thing centered on her. She's able to naturally have every scene she's in iris in on her, seemingly without trying, which is a rare quality, and one that can enhance a film on a lower budget and help it get more for its money. I thought this was our first time seeing her on the site, but that's not true, she was in Steven Seagal's last movie, Beyond the Law, I believe as a sex worker who was addicted to drugs. Looking at her IMDb, the upcoming or recent one that stands out is Dire Duplicity, the new one from Neil Breen. I've only just started on Neil Breen's filmography, so I'm new to his stuff, but the fact that she's in one of his films is intriguing to say the least, and one I have to see. Back to this film, I wouldn't say her performance makes the film, because there are so many great performances here, but her natural ability to standout and steal scenes is a key reason why this film works so well overall.

There were a few core messages in this film, but one that stood out to me is the fact that when we work for a big corporation, they're exploiting our labor, and giving us a fraction of what our labor produces in exchange. Inside that message is a further message that people who look down on sex workers, like someone who makes money on Onlyfans, should look at how they and their own labor are being exploited first. As someone who both has a day job and wishes I could be making money to support myself with my site, podcast, and books, I totally get it. I used to look at it as I was making this sacrifice to a corporate overlord to allow me to do the things I want, but there is no quid pro quo, the moment they no longer see your labor as having any value, you're out, and beyond any severance, there's no thought to you as a person and what losing your job might mean; and to be fair, if someone came to me and said "I'll pay you what your current salary is to make your podcast and site," once I signed that contract the next email would be my two weeks notice--though to be fair again, the company would still be able to pay its bills without me. All that to say, beyond the fact that I don't think we should judge sex workers, including ones who earn money on Onlyfans, I always respect people who have found a way to make money doing what they love to do, outside of the corporate wage slavery system, and I wish we all could do it.

As this is an indie screener, I wanted to use this paragraph to highlight some other names in the film. First, we had four others that we've seen on the site in other films. First, Drew Marvick, our leading guy, played a man dealing with housing insecurity in Tony Schiena's The Weapon, which was also on podcast episode 135 with Ty. He's been in a ton of low-budget horror films, and he was a lot of fun here, so I'll have to check out more of his stuff. Then we had Adriana Uchishiba and August Kyss, who were in another Joe Williamson screener, Flesh of the Unforgiven, which had Debbie Rochon. Both were great, but Kyss's part was much smaller, while Uchishiba was one of the core vampires that made the film work. And then there was Ginger Lynn as Marvick and Jupiter's mother. Way back on the fifth day of our site, May 7th, 2007, we did Mind, Body, and Soul that had her and Wings Hauser in it. Here it's a small part, but it's always fun to see her. For first timers on the site, there were three who really stood out to me. First, Nina Lanee Kent, really great as the group leader, almost like a Julie Strain to Kansas Bowling's Shannon Tweed, if you will. And then we had the fourth member of the group, Meredith Mohler, she has an iconic scene where her outfit is similar to a Hooters server, which might be the ultimate dreary corporate job, and then she proceeds to bite a guy's scrotum off. We seem to have a lot of prosthetic penis and testicle mutilation in these screeners, don't we? Finally, Jessa Jupiter Flux as Gwen. Her character goes through one of the biggest changes, and you almost could've had two separate movies, one that focused on Reese getting more in touch with being a vampire, and one that focused on Gwen quitting her job and finding a new life in vampirism. A lot of great performances in this from actors who have been in a ton of stuff I now have to find and watch!

Finally, beyond the fact that one of the stars has the last name Bowling, bowling also plays a part when Scarlett, Selena, and Zooey take out a bunch of pick-up artist bro types at a bowling alley. I recently saw a More Perfect Union video about how bowling has become enshittified. It feels shark jump-ery doesn't, but then you watch the video, and see the jerkoff CEO of Bowlero who's straight out of central casting, and how he's bought up tons of independent lanes and turned them into Lucky Strikes with their strings holding up the pins, exorbitant lane fees, and even more exorbitant Sysco bar food--not only that, he's bought the PBA! I want to rhetorically say "how did this happen?", but we already know the answer. It's been a downhill trend to enshittification since Reagan and neo-liberal economics, with its deregulation and monopolization, and now finally Corey Doctorow came in and gave us a word to describe it all. Fortunately here in Philly, while we do have an enshittified Lucky Strikes, we also have some independent lanes, so maybe I need to go and support them. The problem is, I'm from New England, and we do candlepin bowling up there, which you can't find down here as far as I know. Still, keep your enshittification off our bowling you Bowlero jerkoffs!

And with that, let's wrap this up. This is currently on Pluto and Fawesome here in the States. It is a little long for a horror comedy, but it's also a really fun time, and a great way to support indie films. De Alba, Ragsdale, and the cast and everyone else involved nail the old Full Moon/Jim Wynorski feel of this, which you can't go wrong with.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt23950972/

And check out my newest novel, Mark in Sales, on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.

We Die Young (2019)

This is one we covered on the podcast with Sean Malloy of I Must Break This Podcast, back on episode 246, and with Van Damme so close to the 40 Club, I figured we had to make it happen here too. In addition to us, Chris the Brain at Bulletproof, Outlaw Vern, and even Simon Abrams for Roger Ebert have covered this as well.

We Die Young is about a young man named Lucas (Elijah Rodriguez), who makes collections and deals drugs for MS-13 gang leader Rincon (David Castaneda). One of the people he deals to is Daniel (Van Damme) an Afghan War vet whose vocal chords were damaged in the war, and who takes oxys to dull the pain and help with his PTSD. All is going well, until Lucas discovers his 10-year-old brother is being jumped into the gang, and he can't have that. The problem is, he was supposed to deliver some bricks of cash to someone for Rincon, and now that he hasn't done that, the people who were supposed to get said cash are coming for Rincon, who in turn is coming for Lucas. Maybe this Afghan War vet can help.

This has its moments. One, Van Damme turns in another nice performance, and Castaneda was solid too. Also Elijah Rodriguez, whose Lucas character is the center of everything, does a great job making that work. On the other hand, there were some issues, the biggest is the unevenness with Van Damme's character in the story. It felt like maybe his character wasn't meant to be in the movie at all, but when producer Moshe Diamant, who has a long history with Van Damme, found out he could get him for this, they added the part in in order to make that happen. It makes sense, because I wouldn't be watching or reviewing this for the site without Van Damme, let alone include it on a podcast episode, but as I said, it makes the whole thing uneven, as there are elements of Van Damme's character that aren't developed as well, but also we don't know if he's the hero, or Rodriguez. The other thing is, the whole MS-13 thing feels like bad Latin American scare mongering, which in 2019 would've fit in with the rest of the anti-immigrant slander in the US, and great performances by Castaneda and Rodriguez weren't able to overcome that. Finally, we come to a Van Damme film for the action, and while we did get some here, there was also a lot of shaky cam that disrupted it. For me, this is really for Van Damme completists only, but I would watch some of his others first before you get to this one.

Speaking of Van Damme, this is his 37th film on the site. Yes, it's his 38th tag, but one of those was for the 400th post, which was the Van Damme film fest, so it doesn't count as a movie. Based on that, we could get him into the 40 Club if we do The Gardiner along with Swelter and Welcome to the Jungle. He also has some things in production that could get us there. The 40 Club is a big deal, especially for someone like him who also had a large big screen career. And unlike Seagal, who's been stuck on 39 since 2019, and whose movies are mostly all the same, Van Damme has tried a lot of different things, and this movie is testament to that. I think that's what interested him in the project, beyond wanting to do Moshe Diamant a solid, and it does show in his performance, it's just that we lose him for big chunks because we'll following Rodriguez's character and what he's up to. Either way, I do think the fact that Van Damme has been taking projects like this should be applauded.

David Castaneda does a solid job here, taking what was a standard gangster role, that was attempted to be written with nuance, but was pretty one-note, and imbuing it with his own nuance. In 2019 he would also start on The Umbrella Academy, which took his career to another level, and he was able to leave these kinds of movies behind--at least for now anyway. For as solid an actor as he is, it's interesting that one area he's been inhabiting is the bigger name who gets killed off in the first act, as this happens to him in both The Ballerina and Trap House. Hopefully soon he'll get more parts that let him last longer into the movie! It's always cool in the DTV world to get a name like this just before they get bigger, and it brings an added element to watching them beyond the film's main star.

We often talk about how New York City is a character in itself in a film, and while I don't know if Washington, DC is quite at that level, it is a pretty recognizable city, especially when a set in Bulgaria is supposed to pass for it. Then the comment Lucas makes about how the area they lived in was only 20 minutes from the White House, it made it sound like Lior Geller, the writer and director, hadn't really been to DC before. It was like when the Bush 41 Administration set up a fake crack buy across from the White House in 1989, the guy they got to sell them the drugs had no idea where the White House was or where they wanted him to meet them, the "20 minutes from the White House" was more of the film's anti-Latin American propaganda, like "these evil illegal immigrant gangs are only 20 minutes from the White House!" Beyond the bad propaganda aspect, it just all plays goofy to have what is clearly a studio set in Bulgaria that looks nothing like any part of DC trying to be passed off as DC. My advice to low-budget filmmakers: if you can't shoot there, just make up place and set the film there instead. We'll be more accepting of that than this.

Finally, the film's title for some reason or other gets The Power Station's "We Fight for Love" aka "Someday, Somehow, Someone's Gotta Pay" in my head. Every time I saw it, I thought "we die for young..." which doesn't make any sense, but I guess that's how I think about things musically. I was trying to think from a soundtrack standpoint how many songs are better than that one. It's the punctuation mark on one of the greatest films of all time. I found out this song came after Robert Palmer left the group and was replaced by Michael Des Barres, which is why the vocals are different from things like "Some Like It Hot" and "Get It On." I don't know if it would've been better with Palmer's vocals, but there was a period when they reformed with the original line-up in 1996, which makes me curious to know if Palmer performed this live, or if he insisted on no Des Barres songs while they toured. 

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can get this on Plex here in the States, but it's kind of an odd one because it comes and goes on Tubi too, so you may see it on there again at some point. As I said above, I think this is for Van Damme completists only, but I think those Van Damme fans will find something in his performance. Also, check out the podcast episode Sean and I did on this one, number 246 in the archives.

For more information: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7903530

And check out my newest novel, Mark in Sales, on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.

Shepherd Code: Lapierre (2026)

This is one Ty and I covered on the podcast, episode 269 in the archives, and with the names involved, and because we'd covered the other two films on here as well, I knew it needed a written review too. In addition to us, Chris the Brain at Bulletproof Action has also covered this.

Shepherd Code: Lapierre is a prequel to the previous two films, where we learn how our eponymous hero (Alan Delabie) came to be the guy we saw in those other two entries. After his wife divorces him (and he tells her "I'm disappointed in you" and "look at all I've done for you," because I guess he'd rather his wife be unhappy and stay married to him than file for divorce?) he gets a job from his boss, Don "The Dragon" Wilson, to keep a target safe, one Tania Edwards (Theresa Kassa from the first film), because Lapierre "knows how to handle women." Beyond the chauvinism in that, or that his wife just dumped him and his response was "look at all I've done for you," so maybe he can't "handle women," Lapierre takes the job, and proceeds to fall in love with Tania. Will the dancing and romantic dinners go to his head and prevent him from carrying out his mission?

This is a different movie from the first two, with less action and more drama. What does that mean for you the viewer? Exactly that. It's the opposite of the Elvis song that Dolph performed on a Swedish awards show, so if you're looking for a little less conversation and a little more action, this isn't the movie for you. There is an independent spirit aspect of this though that is worth supporting, an earnestness in what Delabie wanted to do here that I appreciated. To have a vision for a film, and despite limited resources have it completed it and available on places like Tubi where the whole world can see it is something to be applauded. And it isn't all conversation, we do get some fight scenes that look nice and have some inspired moments. On the other hand, the chauvinism should've been left on the cutting room floor. "You know how to handle women" is something out of 1966, not 2026, and something like that can make it harder to champion an indie effort. Overall though I think with this on Tubi and other free streamers here in the US, if you're looking to support independent filmmaking, this is worth a watch.

With an indie film like this, I think there needs to be a different calculus when evaluating it. For example, recently we looked at Kill 'Em All 2, and the question came up, "who was asking for this film?" Right? Did we need a sequel to Kill 'Em All? And the reason we ask that, is that movie is being distributed by Sony, which means they're expecting an audience to be there that will turn them a profit--and they were probably right, because Netflix picked it up. For this film, the "who was asking for this?" question is easier to answer, Alan Delabie asked for this. It was his vision, and he successfully got his vision on the screen and available for us to consume, which I think is fantastic. From there it's a matter of who the audience is, but I don't think we should create art with an audience in mind, we should let the audience find it. And to that end, the podcast episode on our YouTube channel had a comment from someone who really enjoyed this, even saying it was their favorite of the three. For me, I would've liked more action, but that's not the movie he made, and I think that's okay too, there's an audience out there for the vision he wanted to make, even if it didn't work for me, but I wouldn't want him to change his movie for me or anyone else.

We're on our fifth paragraph and only now getting to our film's Hall of Famer and 40 Club member, which gives you a sense of how much he's in the movie, but this is still Don "The Dragon" Wilson's 44th tag nonetheless. Six more movies to 50 could be tough based on how many we have left to do and ones currently in production, but maybe Delabie will make a few more Shepherd Code movies, and Cynthia Rothrock and Alexander Nevsky will make a few more Westerns, and he'll get there. Even if he doesn't get there, he's still one of the greatest to ever do it, and it's great to see him in anything, even it's a small part. Speaking of small parts, Eric Roberts and Patrick Kilpatrick each have one-scene cameos. One idea that Ty and I had to break up some of the monotony that we saw in the long stretches without action, was to have Lapierre call either Roberts or Kilpatrick from time to time, that way they don't need to shoot in additional locations, and can do their scenes at the same time they're doing their one scene with Delabie, but those calls can be spread organically throughout the movie for the audience to enjoy. Just a thought, but I think how a film uses its names when they can only afford them for a limited amount of shooting can really impact how the film comes across overall.

As many films nowadays are wont to do, we have our share of overhead drone establishing shots here, but one shot caught my attention. Before we see our hero in a workout montage showing off his skills, we get an overhead establishing shot of the MMA gym he's going to be working out in, and the roof is covered in solar panels. The gym is Shocx MMA training center, I believe in Brussels, so if you're in the Brussels area and need to practice your grappling or boxing, you can go there and know that they're using sustainable energy to keep the lights on. It's probably no surprise to you that I'm not much of a gym guy, but I do walk a lot, which also helps the environment, so I'm trying to do my part too. We all do what we can, but here's to you Shocx MMA for going the extra mile.

Finally, look at that gem. I think it's a Birmingham Barons hat, which is the AA affiliate of the Chicago White Sox. They're most famous for being the team Michael Jordan played for during his retirement from basketball in the mid-90s, which, when the Major League Baseball players lockout happened in 1994, their games were aired on ESPN to make up for the lack of Major League games. As you know from any amount of time reading this site, I'm a huge baseball fan, and among my baseball bucket lists, one is seeing a game in every US state that has a professional team. Right now I have 12 plus DC, so I have a long way to go, and Alabama is a state I've never even been to before, let alone see a baseball game, so it's a trip I have to make at some point. Who knows, Major League Baseball is facing another potential lockout for the 2027 season, and if that happens, Minor League Baseball like the Barons will be my only option, so next year might be the perfect time to make it happen, and if I do, I have this movie to thank for reminding me to go.

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can currently get this on a whole host of screeners here in the States, including Tubi, which has the other two as well. The lack of action may turn action fans off, but if you're looking for something a bit different and you want to support indie film, this is a great way to go. Also, be sure to check out the podcast episode Ty and I did on this one, 269 in the archives.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt36415829/

And check out my newest novel, Mark in Sales, on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.

Private Wars (1993)

For our PM flick this month, we're looking at Steve Railsback's one film for them, because who doesn't want to see what Railsback's up to in a PM actioner? And to prove that point further, this has also been covered by Ty and Brett at Comeuppance, Matt Spector at Bulletproof, Karl Brezdin at Fist of the B-List, plus Jon Cross reviewed it on Letterboxd, so I'm a little late to the party.

Private Wars has Railsback as a cop who's sufficiently on the edge, which leads to corrupt chief Michael Champion getting him booted off the force, which leads him to get a job as a PI and crawl into a bottle of liquor. But he's called back into action when an old friend's neighborhood is being terrorized by a gang of toughs. Something about this seems off though, why are these toughs so well organized? Enter The Ben Gazzara in Road House-ish Stuart Whitman, a land developer who wants to scare everyone out and develop the neighborhood on his own. Not only does he have Champion in his pocket, but his hatchet man is none other than James Lew. Is Railsback going to dry up enough to take all these baddies down?

This was a lot of fun. It was like PM's take on the off-beat action comedy, which ended up being perfect for Railsback, but also perfect for the too sweet van flip in the opening chase scene. I mean, that thing jumped higher than Lorenzo Lamas in Viper aka Bad Blood jumping over a car. I don't know what I'd expect a PM version of the off-beat action comedy to be, but this felt like it, and while we didn't get anything as fantastic as "Sweet Freedom," this also had a pretty nice soundtrack too. It did have some jokes that fell flat a bit though, like when Railsback initially turns down the request to help, the community auditions people to help, and the bit that follows is cringe-y at best, and doesn't age well at worst. Still, the action is exactly what we want from PM, especially the three-headed end fight scene, and with Railsback's fun lead, this has a lot to hang its hat on. That begs the question though, what do we do with the PM version of the off-beat action comedy? In terms of ranking, maybe top 30? Which, when you're talking about a studio with the output of PM, top 30 means you're going to enjoy your 90 minutes, you just may not have a classic on your hands. I think that's okay, not everything needs to be a classic, sometimes a fun 90 minutes does the trick. (Oh, and speaking of Lamas, scenes of him from CIA: Code Name Alexa appear on a TV, so he gets another tag, putting him three away from the coveted 40 Club!)

We're now at six Steve Railsback movies, but this is the first one where he was the lead, and I think a lot of it worked. I don't know if I see Railsback in a Recoil or Art of Dying, but for this role he nailed it--and nailed it better than some of the bits we get. I mean I guess who else plays a good drunk, but somehow can also beat up a bunch of bikers, then take on Vince Murdocco and John Salvitti in a fight in a holding cell? When his character's making love to Holly Floria, who is 20 years his junior, while his best friend is getting beaten to death, the demerits that we would give another hero don't stick to Railsback, it's like he can't help himself, but when the chips are down, he's ready with a pump action shotgun. In PM world, that's often all you need, and all the James Lews and Stuart Whitmans need to watch out when he does. He's got a decent amount of stuff out there that we still need to do, and some of it looks pretty good, so hopefully we'll see more Railsback on here soon, because he was a lot of fun in this one.

The late Michael Champion feels like he was created in a lab in Canada to be the perfect baddie in a syndicated TV show or Canadian city passing for an American city movie production, so imagine my surprise when I discovered that he was a Yank from Indiana, and had a long history before the 90s in American TV shows. I mean you look at him here, and it feels like he was plucked right off a Da Vinci Inquest set, even though he never did that show, or any show like it! Wonders never cease, huh? I mean, yes, his pre-90s stuff like Beverly Hills Cop he makes more sense as an American, and in Total Recall he was the recipient of the infamous "look who's talkin' " line, so I'd be forgiven for not recognizing him there, but I think post-The Swordsman he pivots into a full-on syndicated TV/DTV actioner look that feels like it was created in a lab in Alberta or Saskatchewan. We unfortunately lost him in 2021, but in the 90s he was a force that made movies like this just a bit better. Here's to you Michael Champion, you were one of the great ones.

As you can see, there are a lot of other names in this. First off, Art Camacho is now at 59 movies, as he plays the guy in the holding cell that Vince Murdocco beats up. Maybe for next month's PM flick we can do one he directed to celebrate him entering the 60 Club. And then we had stunt team Red Horton and "Broadway" Joe Murphy, with Horton listed as stunt coordinator and action director, but Murphy listed as a second unit director as well. They had some fantastic stuff in this, so kudos to them. Then we had James Lew and his too sweet mullet coming in with his 21st film on the site, which means he could be getting some Hall of Fame consideration; and Vince Murdocco with his 12th movie on the site, which I think when you're talking Vince Murdocco, that's not bad at all. Murdocco and John Salvitti team up with Railsback at the end to create the three-headed end fight scene I mentioned above. What happens is, Whitman calls in two out of town specialists who do a great job showing off how well they can use martial arts weapons, and each of them fight Murdocco and Salvitti, while Railsback fights Lew. What a beautiful way to make the most of the martial artists you have at your disposal, another win in the PM column.

Finally, is that a McDonald's in the background there? It looks like the Golden Arches, doesn't it? This is in the opening chase, and it's looped multiple times, so I got a lot of looks at it, but couldn't tell for sure. If it's not a McDonald's, it looks so similar that a McDonald's representative may have contacted them about it. Could it be a McDowell's kind of thing, but maybe like a gentleman's club? I love the idea of that, opening up a gentleman's club called McDowell's or whatever, using a sign that looks Golden Arches-esque, but people thinking they're getting fast food are getting exotic dancers and two drink minimums instead. "God, I don't want a private dance, I just wanted a couple double cheeseburgers!" Anyway, until we know for sure, I'm erring on the side of yes, which means this is the 22nd time McDonald's has appeared on the site. Are we going to have to induct McDonald's into the DTVC Hall of Fame? I don't even know how we do that, but I guess we'll see when we get there. (And yes, that is a man hanging off the front of that van. And I know, that means I've seen so many of these PM films that a man hanging off the front of a van is so commonplace that I'm more concerned about whether or not that's a McDonald's in the background.)

All right, with that, let's wrap this up. As far as I know, YouTube is the best way to watch this, and the version on there isn't bad. You can find it on my PM Entertainment YouTube playlist, and while you're there, why not subscribe to our channel? It's been a while since I've posted a new original video, but every podcast episode is on there.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107879/

And check out my newest novel, Mark in Sales, on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.

Illicit Behavior (1992)

This is one that Jon and I covered on episode 231 of the podcast, back in October, when we paired it with Deadly Desire as part of a Jack Scalia double-feature, and I wanted to finally get it on the site because it has some other great names; plus we haven't done any Joan Severance before, and that needed to be corrected! In addition to us, Mitch at the Video Vacuum has covered this as well. Trigger warning: sexual assault and abuse are mentioned in this review.

Illicit Behavior has Severance as a housewife with a police officer husband (Scalia) who's known for getting into trouble, and can be a bit of a brute. She also has a brother who inherited a family bar and some other money, which she would like to have to herself. At some point in a therapy session with Scalia, she tells her psychiatrist (Adam-12's Kent McCord) that her brother sexually abused her when they were growing up. This causes Scalia to go to his bar and kill him. That starts an IA investigation by Robert Davi, whom Severance tells that Scalia has been physically abusive toward her. Will Davi fall for her feminine wiles, or get wise to her tricks before it's too late?

This has a few things going for it. First and foremost, we have the names, which, in addition to the ones I mentioned above, we also have James Russo as Scalia's partner, and Jenilee Harrison of Three's Company Fame as Severance's sister-in-law. Names like that give us as the viewer something to anchor in on as the story goes in all kinds of directions, like this one does. And that story, written by Erotic Thriller mainstay Jag Mundhra, goes to some places that I think would've been problematic by 1992's standards, but are much more so today. One of the most common counters to someone's abuse claims is that the victim is making it up to damage the reputation of the alleged abuser, and it leads to many people not reporting abuse at all--"who would believe me anyway?" The reality is abuse claims like this are seldom made up, but using the idea of it being made up as a device for Severance's character to manipulate the men in the story only exacerbates the problem. I don't know that that's something people can get beyond, but if you can, Severance turns in a great performance which does give this some value and makes it worth a watch.

Speaking of Severance, almost 1400 posts in, and she's finally getting her first movie on the site. This feels like a massive oversight, but as I've discussed before, my goal of doing a lot of Erotic Thrillers when I started the DTVC back in 2007 was diverted by all of the engagement I got on the action posts, and Erotic Thrillers were one of many genres that were left behind. With the new series of Jon and I doing Erotic Thriller double features on the podcast, it's led to more of those getting reviews here too, and will lead to more Severance as well, because this is one four films of hers we've already done. When we think of the Queen of Erotic Thrillers, Shannon Tweed and Shannon Whirry both come to mind, but I think Severance is equally worthy of that title, and I think each of them inhabit a unique space in the world of Erotic Thrillers, which for me leaves room for three queens. The space Severance inhabits is this kind of "awe shucks" pretty woman on the surface, who makes guys think she's just there for the taking, while below the surface is slowly--or not so slowly perhaps--wrapping them around her finger to get them to do whatever she needs them to do. Shannons Tweed or Whirry couldn't play that part, the same way Severance wouldn't be able to replace Tweed in Scorned or Whirry in Animal Instincts, but I like that if they're given parts that work for them, you know going in depending on who's on the tin what kind of Erotic Thriller you're going to get. As I said above, we already have a few other Severance films watched that we can review on here, so hopefully we'll see her again soon and make her a bigger part of the site.

Jack Scalia, not Joan Severance, was the reason we watched this though, as Jon and I thought it would be cool to do a Scalia double feature to tie the episode in with Jon's PM Entertainment Podcast, because Scalia had done his share of PM flicks too. I think the biggest thing Scalia brings to the table here is he looks the part, so it's not outside the realm of possibility that Severance's character would fall for him. At the same time, he does a great job of playing a hot-headed lunkhead, which makes a lot of his character's decisions more believable as well. If Severance is one of the Queens of Erotic Thrillers, I don't know if Scalia is a king, that title probably goes to Andrew Stevens, but Scalia has done his share of these, so he at least deserves some consideration--maybe he's the Duke of Erotic Thrillers. Compare that to Robert Davi, who has done his share of these as well, but this was one of the rarer ones where he's kind of a lead, as opposed to his usual roles as the lead's partner or as some kind of fly in the ointment making things harder for other characters involved. He does a great job selling himself as the lovestruck dupe who's willing to do anything Severance tells him to do because he needs her so bad. Scalia and Davi make a great yin and yang, two New York Italian-Americans who were born in the early 50s, Scalia in Brooklyn and Davi in Queens, transported to Los Angeles where they're easy pray for Severance. 

I don't want to dwell on the fake abuse aspects of this because it can be triggering and I don't want to do that, so I'll just say quickly that I think that plot device was used because the classic "woman simply using her feminine wiles to get men to bump off other men for her" may have seemed too worn at that point, especially for someone like Jag Mundhra who had written a lot of these. There's another problematic aspect of this though that I do think using this device is more of a commentary on and the way it's used here turns the notion on its ear. It's the idea that men who save women from some kind of abusive or dangerous situation are somehow deserving of their romantic love as a result. It's a bad trope we see a lot in action movies--Seagal saves a beautiful woman half his age from a trafficking brothel, and she professes her undying love to him, that kind of thing. Here Severance feigns the damsel in distress role, and Davi thinking he's "won" her by protecting her from Scalia, is none the wiser that she might have ulterior motives. So while we have one element of this that's problematic and shouldn't have been a plot device, there's this other element that exposes another problematic trope at the same time. Maybe next time they can find a way to do the second thing without the first.

Finally, you'll notice my screen of Severance has her in a St. Louis Cardinals cap. You knew that was going to happen if I saw an MLB baseball cap in a movie. I was trying to think of where else we'd seen MLB baseball caps on the site before, and how many we had at this point, but because I haven't tagged them, it would be hard to tell, but I think either way this is our first St. Louis Cardinals one. Of all the MLB baseball games I've seen (according to my MLB Ballpark app, it's 76 and counting), I've only ever seen the Cardinals once, when they played here in Philly during Albert Pujols's last season in 2022, which makes him the player with the most career home runs I've ever seen play live (his 703 home runs 7 more than Alex Rodriguez, who I saw play with the Texas Rangers in 2002). I've never been to St. Louis before--or the state of Missouri for that matter--but as a lifelong baseball fan that's a park and baseball environment I've always wanted to experience. Maybe someday I'll be able to make the trip out there and make it happen, but at the very least we have a reason to spotlight them with this paragraph in this review.

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can currently catch this free on Fawesome, which I think is a good way to go. Just remember depending on who you're watching this with that descriptions of abuse play a big part in the plot, and in ways that are not always handled well. And check out the podcast episode we did as well, number 231 in the archives.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104485/

And check out my newest novel, Mark in Sales, on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.

Champagne and Bullets aka "Geteven" aka Road to Revenge (1993)

This is one that's been a long time coming on the site, a glaring omission that's needed to be rectified for a long time, and we're finally doing that now. This was also covered on podcast episode 264 with Mitch from the Video Vacuum, so you can check that out as well. In addition to us, Mitch as also covered this, along with Chris the Brain at Bulletproof and Ty and Brett at Comeuppance, so this is a Superfecta Film--and brings home the point that this review is long overdue.

Champagne and Bullets stars John De Hart (who also wrote, co-directed, and recorded original music for) as Bode, an LAPD police officer who, along with his partner Huck Finney (DTVC Hall of Famer Wings Hauser), are framed by their superior Normad (William Smith) and taken off the force. At the same time, Normad is up to some nefarious stuff, not the least of which is sacrificing babies in satanic rituals. Not content to leave Bode and Finney to live their lives in peace post LAPD, he sends his goons to the finished basement bar they like to hang out in, and then Normad dates Finney's ex-wife. Eventually Normad takes it too far, and it's up to Bode to take him down. Will he succeed?

Where do you start with this? Probably the "Shimmy Slide," De Hart's song that he performs in the finished basement bar he and Hauser hang out in. It's an absolute thing of beauty, and alone would be worth the price of admission (which I guess is Fawesome commercials in this case?), but then it's all kinds of bonkers from there. We have William Smith as a corrupt cop who becomes a corrupt judge, while moonlighting as a satanic cult leader and dealing drugs. How fantastic is that? Then we have Wings Hauser drinking bleach after he's been arrested, talking to a papier-mâché Native American head, and hanging out in a pool fully clothed. They weren't just a couple known actors De Hart got for a couple scenes so he could splash their names on the tin, they turn in memorable performances that were a ton of fun. And then we have De Hart himself. He cast former Playboy Playmate Pamela Jean Bryant as his love interest, and proceeded to have as many love scenes with her as possible, set to his music that he recorded. One of the scenes is in a bathtub in this nautical themed-bathroom, completed with a big net on the wall with plastic ocean life attached to it. I don't know what we're doing with any of it, but it all works in that way that something where nothing should work does, if you know what I mean. And considering you can do it free on streaming, it's worth checking out if you haven't already.

We're now at 26 movies for Wings Hauser, but it's been almost a year since his last film, Bedroom Eyes II, which was another film that was featured on a podcast episode (207 in the archives). The thing that was surprising about this one, was how much he was in it, and how much bonkersness he brought to the proceedings. This is the Wings you come for when you see his name on the tin, which makes the whole thing that much better, and maybe even puts it a notch above other That Movies like Samurai Cop or Miami Connection that don't have any memorable Wings to hang their hat on. 26 means we're close to the 30 Club for Hauser, the problem is, a lot of the remaining movies we need to do aren't on any streamers, so it won't be easy, but maybe we can scrounge four of them up and get him over the threshold. 

The guys at Comeuppance have talked about movies like these before, calling them a "That Movie," and the part they stress the most about them is how they're all happy accidents. If a filmmaker goes in ahead of time and tries to manufacture something like this, it doesn't work the way one where the filmmaker is thinking they're putting out a classic does. A great example of this concept is in Samurai Cop and the sequel Samurai Cop 2. The sequel was an attempt to recreate the magic of the original, and in the end it didn't work. The earnestness of the process adds to the charm and makes these classics in ways the filmmaker didn't anticipate. For the most part the Comeuppance rule that you can't purposefully create one of these has stayed true, but I have found one exception: Nathan Hill's films do a great job of keeping the humor subtle enough that they feel like one of these, and in the process that humor insulates his films from some of the limitations that come with making movies on a low budget. If you're curious about his films, we've reviewed seven of them, which you can find by clicking on his tag on the left-hand side of the site.

In addition to the "That Movie" category, we also have the Vanity Project, which this falls into as well. They can be insufferable, like when Alexander Nevsky makes one and has all the other characters talk about how great his character is, but when they turn out like this movie does, the insufferability (for lack of a better term) ends up adding to the charm I discussed above. You can see De Hart hearing from his friends "hey, you're a pretty good singer, and you're a pretty affable guy, you should be in movies!" And so he does it, giving us all of that singing talent and affability, only it doesn't translate onscreen, and now we have a deer-in-headlights performance of a song that becomes known for all the wrong reasons, all of which now makes it such a thing of beauty. The thing is though, in these vanity projects we get a sense of the real person behind them, and I think that happens here as well. De Hart's character is staying with Hauser's character after they get bounced from the force, but when he reconnects with Pamela Jean Bryant, he moves out without notice, leaving Hauser stuck paying a mortgage he can't afford. What kind of friend does that? Also, when Smith's goons invade the finished basement bar De Hart's performing in, Hauser jumps in to help De Hart, and when the cops come, he ends up arrested and spending five hours in jail for his trouble. Maybe it's bad writing, but De Hart wrote it, and didn't see anything wrong with his character leaving his friend holding the bag on multiple occasions like that.

Finally, going back to the finished basement bar where the "Shimmy Slide" happens, De Hart also has a slew of arcade games and pinball machines in there. I don't know if he owned them or rented them for the film, but it got me thinking, if I ever had the money and the space, what arcade games would I get? In my novel Don's House in the Mountains I tease this a bit, where Don's theater room has Galaga and Mortal Kombat, and while Galaga would be a given, I think for Mortal Kombat I'd personally do Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 instead. From there, I'd need a Street Fighter game, and I think either Marvel v Capcom or X-Men: Children of the Atom would work for that, though maybe the original Street Fighter 2 might work too. Finally, I'd need the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game. I remember having one of my birthdays at our local arcade, The Dream Machine, and one of the perks of having your birthday there was you and your friends had unlimited tokens to play, so we pumped a bunch of them in and won it, which was a beautiful thing. I think that's a pretty good foursome, but then the question would be, how much would I play them? Probably a lot to start with, but knowing me, there'd be too many out of market baseball games I'd need to watch, and next thing I know it's been two years, I haven't touched any of them, and they're all covered in dust, along with the rest of my finished basement bar. 

And with that, let's wrap this up. This actually has a Vinegar Syndrome release, but what's great is you can try it on Fawesome of Flex before you buy it. One word of caution: there's a graphic rape scene where the bartender at the finished basement bar is assaulted by Smith's goons. That means this probably isn't a fun bad movie night movie depending on who's watching it with you. Otherwise though it is a fun time, and worth seeing. Also, you can check out the podcast episode Mitch and I did, number 264 in the archives.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0169183

And check out my newest novel, Mark in Sales, on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.