Tropical Parasite (2026)

I've been meaning to review a Jared Masters film for a while now, especially since I've been seeing his Instagram posts and how much fun his movies look. Recently he sent me a link to the soundtrack to one of his films, and I mentioned how I've been meaning to review one of his movies, so he sent me some screener links, and here we are, looking at his most recent release.

Tropical Parasite has Masters as Leo Prawn, a treasure hunter pretending to be a marine biologist who is looking for buried treasure in the Andaman Sea off the coast of a Thailand that looks suspiciously like the Philippines. No matter, when Prawn's love interest (Ryza Mae) is felled by a mysterious parasite in the water near the beach they're relaxing at, he contracts it too, but soon realizes this isn't your garden variety flesh-eating bacteria, this may be a curse from the evil sea goddess Arisara (Althea Lacson), or it could be related to his new romance with mermaid Zun (Jassmin Roxas). Either way, Prawn thinks he's close to finding the treasure he's been hunting his whole life, the last thing he wants is for this mysterious illness to derail his plans now. Will he actually be successful, or will Arisara the sea goddess prevail?

This was totally absurdist in the best way possible, and I really enjoyed it. It felt like a spoof of a 50s exotic adventure film, only instead of repurposing other sets in Hollywood for shooting, Masters went to the Philippines and shot there, and used local actors in the process. His raspy voiceovers narrating the proceedings, at times keeping us up with what's happening, at others saying goofy non sequiturs that made me laugh out loud, were so perfect and made the film a lot of fun. There is one part of this that may be a sticking point for people though: he used generative AI for all of the mermaid sequences, plus this one foot chase that ended up destroying an entire neighborhood. In this absurdist context it worked better than it might in others, but depending on how people feel about AI it may be a turn off. For me the overall film was so much fun that I was okay with it. There's also a lot of nudity, which I think comes with the territory in his films, but I'm just putting it out there if you're in mixed company and looking to have a campy movie night. So far we're one-for-one with Masters's films, I can't wait to check out more!

With this being my first film of Masters's, I'm way behind on his stuff, but I can see from this one how he's developed a following over the past 15 years or so. It's definitely a "if you get it, you get it," kind of thing, but if you're inclined to enjoy a movie like this, you're really going to enjoy it, at least that's how it went for me. There's a lot of gross-out content to start, with the parasite attacking Ryza Mae's internal organs, all done through computer graphics, but for me it was Masters's Leo Prawn character on the phone in the scenes after, with the raspy voice that was absurd on its own, but then later he'd start throwing in these ridiculous lines that were exactly what I want from a film like this. On a more serious filmmaking note, the editing work by TJ Basara was top notch, and for all I know that could be Masters working under a different name, either could be equally plausible, but whoever it was who did the editing, great work.

The aspect of this film that may turn some viewers off is the use of generative AI to create some of the scenes. The way Masters uses it adds to the overall absurdist quality of the film, where it's almost like the more ridiculous the better, perhaps nowhere more true than the foot chase sequence that leads to an entire neighborhood destroyed and in flames. It's part and parcel with the rest of the cinematic anarchy we're witnessing. The problem though, even for people like me who appreciate the approach, is we've been inundated with so much AI slop that our brains are sensitive to it, meaning even in this context it can be off-putting. For example with the mermaids, all of that is AI-generated, and when you see things like the mermaid's fin breaking into two legs on one of her dives, it brings to mind fugazi videos and images trying to trick us into engagement. It reminded me of when Albert Pyun first put out Bulletface, and I mentioned in my review that his use of freeze frames made me think my computer was freezing or buffering, something he hadn't considered, but it shows how the ways we consume media on the whole can have unintended consequences for how we receive things in a movie we're watching. I think while the intention to use AI-generated content wasn't a bad one here, what we've been exposed to over the past four or five years unfortunately still creates a negative perception.

We're closing in on 1400 posts on the site, and I believe this is our first time seeing mermaids. I scanned through the Letterboxd archive, and didn't see anything, unless a movie had them and I just forgot. It kind of makes sense, what movies am I reviewing that would have mermaids in them, though maybe an Asylum mockumentary would've featured them or something. The ones here were AI-generated, which meant they looked like shiny topless women in mermaid costumes, so even beyond that "hallucination" that caused the mermaid's legs to split as she dove under the water, you could kind of see the outlines of their legs even when their mermaid torsos were intact. I guess AI-generated ones were cheaper than getting the costumes, plus the drowning hazards of having real women in outfits that restrict their legs while they're in the water is avoided. I had never considered any of this before, but I also couldn't think of how many times I'd thought about mermaids period. I saw the Disney cartoon as a kid, and in 6th grade I was King Crag in our middle school drama production of The Little Mermaid, and then I watched Passions from time-to-time when I was in college. But yeah, come to think of it, putting real mermaids in a movie could be more work than they're worth.

Finally, I had to spotlight some sea turtle content here. Part of that great editing included these shots of fish and other sea creatures, like turtles, swimming around and doing their sea creature things. The sea turtle is one of my favorite animals, and it sucks to think about how much difficulty they're going through between the warming oceans and the plastic straws we throw away that end up in their nostrils. I mean look at that one above, swimming around, doing their thing, with that fantastic look on their face. And the sea turtles aren't the only wildlife we get in this, we also have some nice stray cat content, which always works for me. Someone could make a movie that's just a series of cats and sea turtles living their lives and doing cat and sea turtle activities, 90 minutes of that would be an easy 10 out of 10 for me, so bits and pieces of it here and there in this movie definitely enhanced my overall viewing experience.

And with that, let's wrap this up. This was just released on DVD two days ago, so you can order it on Amazon. I think if you're a Masters fan, definitely pick it up; also if you've never heard of Masters but have a robust physical media collection, this would be a fun and interesting addition to it. I think if you're not familiar with his work though and have a limited budget, before you pull the trigger on buying the DVD, he has a bunch of other stuff on streamers like Tubi that you can watch first, see what you think of those, and then you'll know if the DVD is something you should buy too. If you like movies like this though, you'll really enjoy this one. Thank you to Jared for sending us the screener link, I can't wait to make my way through the rest of your films!

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt35071628

Active Stealth (1999)

Recently Will from Exploding Helicopter posted the exploding helicopter from this film on his Bluesky, and when I looked it up, I thought "how have I not covered this before?" It looks like something I should've done on the site 15 years ago, but somehow slipped through the cracks. In addition to us and Will, Ty and Brett at Comeuppance, Steve Q at Down Among the Z Movies, and Kenner at Movies in the Attic have covered this as well.

Active Stealth has Daniel Baldwin as a special forces kind of guy who thought his buddy was killed in a mission, only to find he's being held hostage by the drug cartel guy they tried to take down some time ago. Their commanding officer, Fred Williamson, sends Baldwin and his team (including Fred Olen Ray mainstays Tim Abell and Chick Vennera) down to get their friend out, and has them use a plane with the latest in active stealth technology as the means to get there. That's it, in and out, and the film is done in a cool 37 minutes--or is it? It's never that easy, and now it's a matter of who will make it with Baldwin back home to see their families, and who will have a dramatic death scene?

This is your classic IMDb 3.5 star rating complete with user reviews touting it as "the worst movie of all time," but for me who's been doing this for almost 1400 movies plus however many more on the podcast, I see something that's professionally made with a few fun moments. What does that mean for you though, because it may not be anywhere near the worst movie ever or as bad as 3.5 stars on IMDb, but is it worth the 100 minutes the movie's asking of you when you have so many options out there? Here are a few things that I would point to that may help you decide. First, Ray and company have a lot of fun touches that harken back to old post-WWII movies, the best of which might be Chick Vennera, who plays the Italian American stereotype so many of those movies had, and caps off his performance with a too sweet helicopter explosion. Or maybe it's the inclusion of another Fred, Fred Williamson, who doesn't do much beyond talk on the phone, but looks great doing it. Then there's Andrew Stevens, who's just there to wear a mustache and talk in military speak, but looks great doing it too. Or finally, Tim Abell, who's there to be the Southern stereotype to Chick Vennera's Italian American stereotype, and again, looks great doing it. The story meanders a bit, and has the holes in it you'd expect from something that was pumped out more because they had the sets available and could do it quick and on the cheap than anything, and I don't know that those touches above is enough to recommend it, but it had its moments for sure. Also, it'll up your percentage on Will's Films with Exploding Helicopters list on Letterboxd.

We're now at 17 directed movies for Fred Olen Ray, depending on whether or not you count Dinosaur Island as 1 or .5, and I count it as 1, but because of that I give the edge in ranking to Joseph Merhi, who's tied with him at 17 for second all-time after Albert Pyun's 44. This is classic Fred Olen Ray, the studio or whoever wanted a quick and dirty military movie that they could throw on video store shelves or cable channels could use for easy programming, he had the location and called a bunch of people he'd worked with before, and along with some bigger names to add to the tin, they made it happen. He's made a career of getting things done like this, across all genres, and here we have something that works more for our audience than Christmas in Palm Springs or Christmas in Vermont, but even with those his process is the same, he's good at pumping them out on the cheap. If we cut out the Christmas movies and the Lifetime movies, he still has enough actioners and Erotic Thrillers remaining to catch Pyun for most all time, it's more a matter of whether or not we'll be doing the site long enough. Next year we'll hit twenty years, so we'll know by 2047 if I kept things going and Ray finally caught him.

There were two other Hall of Famers in this, Fred Williamson and Cole S. McKay. For Williamson, this was a unique one, in that his character was captured at the beginning, and he's not the hero, or even portrayed as a badass who could be the hero. It really is his name and how cool he looks holding a phone, which I think works in a film like this. He's sitting at 33 films on the site, and looking at his bio, I'm not sure how many more we'll do in the near future. He has a couple he's directed that we still need to do, but it might be more things like this where there are other names involved, and he's more along for the ride, but it's possible that will be enough to get him into the 40 Club at some point. Speaking of DTVC clubs, Cole S. McKay is now at 69 (hey-oh!) films on the site. Our next PM film is going to be The Power Within, which will be the one that gets Art Camacho into the 60 Club, and which also has McKay on stunts, so that'll be his 70th film, but I think he needs something more prodigious for his 70 Club post, so one idea I had was Star Hunter, which he co-directed with Fred Olen Ray. It's possible in the meantime I'll review another movie he did stunts because he has so many of them!

Rounding out the rest of the cast and crew, we have a lot of names to get through. I guess we should start with the film's star, Daniel Baldwin, who felt a bit out of place with all of the Ray mainstays around him, but he's a Baldwin, so the name on the tin means more than whether he fits or not. DTVC favorite Tim Abell is back with his 16th film on the site. Is it possible he's putting together a Hall of Fame resume? Speaking of which, Andrew Stevens will be getting inducted this fall, as this is his 36th film overall between acting, directing, and producing, and I believe his 11th as an actor. Speaking of Erotic Thrillers, Shannon Whirry plays Baldwin's wife. I had never really looked at it before, but a few years before this it looks like she'd stopped doing Erotic Thrillers and was doing more stuff like this, or mainstream TV roles, which I think is okay, considering how many great Erotic Thrillers she made before this. Jim Wynorski was a producer on this, under the name "Noble Henry." When talking about great DTV directors, he's one that probably should have more on the site, but at least he gets another tag here. Finally, wrestling fans will appreciate Terry Funk, who was great as the baddie's righthand man. We've actually seen him two other times on the site, with Road House and Timestalkers. 

Finally, as we're talking about Fred Olen Ray and the DTVC director's tag list, I thought about a picture someone posted on Bluesky of Brian De Palma, George Lucas, Martin Scorsese, Francis Ford Coppola, and Steven Spielberg. In the comments another person asked has anyone had worked with all five of them, and the best me or anyone else could come up with was Tom Cruise, who's worked with all of them but George Lucas. That got me thinking about who a similar five would be for DTV directors. Definitely Albert Pyun, Fred Olen Ray, and Joseph Merhi, who I mentioned above. From there I think Sam Firstenberg has to be included too, so then it's a matter of who the fifth one is. I was between Jim Wynorski and Charles Band, but maybe we add both, and it could be like adding Jonathan Demme or Oliver Stone to that other five (and if we do Stone, that five out of six for Cruise). If that's our six, do we have a DTV Tom Cruise who's worked with four or five of them? I was having trouble finding someone who had worked with five, but Tim Thomerson has worked with all but Merhi and Firstenberg, and Dudikoff and Ice-T have worked with all but Merhi and Band--though Merhi produced an episode of LA Heat Ice-T did. I would not have thought Merhi would be the sticking point in a lot of these, because so many people did PM films, but it looks like the case. 

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can currently stream this on Tubi here in the States. I don't know that it's something to seek out, but if you like the names involved, it might do in a pinch. Also, if you're like me and need to get your percentage up on Will's Films with an Exploding Helicopter list on Letterboxd, this will help there too.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0211901

Alien Storm (2026)

This was a screener request from producer Sonny Mahal, and since I'd been meaning to catch a Mahal Empire film anyway, this seemed like a perfect opportunity. Then when I saw the runtime of 75 minutes, it seemed like an even more perfect opportunity--which is that even a thing? Once something's perfect it can't be more perfect, can it?

Alien Storm is about a global alien invasion where the aliens are using a fog to cover large urban areas and knock out electricity and communications, then swarm in and kill as many people as they can. When the fog hits Las Vegas, it does so as airline CEO Frank McConnely and his wife Ophelia (Robert Standley and Laura Mason) are hosting a bougie party at the mansion he probably bought through cutting his employees' wages and his stock buyback bonuses. Luckily, all that money he made off his employees from their labor allowed him to also build a bunker in his mansion, and buy a bunch of firearms to go with it. But will all this be enough when the aliens come marching in looking to kill everyone in their path?

On a recent Bulletproof Action podcast episode discussing the Dolph Lundgren classic Showdown in Little Tokyo, Ryan Campbell said something to the effect of "if your movie's only 75 minutes, it's automatically at least a 7 out of 10," and this film is no exception to that rule, it's definitely in that 7-8 out of 10 range, or a solid 4 out of 5 stars. The runtime isn't the only thing it has to hang its hat on, we also have great practical gore effects, fun performances by Tom Arnold and Kevin Sorbo in their short time on screen, and fantastic-looking aliens that really feel authentic. The one issue I had with it was I didn't find the two main characters, the CEO and his wife, all that likeable, but even with them the actors playing them, Robert Standley and Laura Mason, gave us some great moments--it's just, how much am I relating to a CEO and his wife with a bunch of guns ordering people around in their mansion and accompanying bunker? This brings me back to the runtime though, even if I don't like the main characters, I'm not with them long enough for them to really get under my skin, and in the meantime I can enjoy everything else that's working for me, and the next thing I know the credits are rolling and I can say I had a fun time. If you're looking for a fun watch that doesn't ask a lot of you, this is worth checking out.

Recently I watched Edward L. Cahn's Invasion of the Saucer Men, which plays out similarly to this, the only difference is our heroes were two teens who accidentally ran over an alien on their way back from their make-out spot, and spent the movie trying to get people to believe them. It's easier to relate to teens than bougie CEOs and their spouses I think. Even when the actors tried to infuse some humanity into their characters after their daughter dies, it's like "that's great that we see the CEO and his wife's humanity, but does he see his employees' humanity when he's removing them from a spreadsheet to inflate profits so he can get a better bonus from the board of directors?" Hey, bunkers and guns cost money, right? Thinking about leads that would've worked better, their kids Grace and Bernie (Molly Jean Edwards and William Delesk) are a great place to start, but this movie actually takes that in a different direction on us, which I can appreciate. Another possibility for me was Elley Ringo's reporter character, Jenna Fishel, who had a lot of main character potential, and I think could've carried the film. Imagine a situation where she's there in part to hook up with Tom Arnold, but also to investigate how McConnely's company is ripping off customers with various add-ons and upcharges, while firing workers who try to unionize, and suddenly she's stuck in this alien invasion scenario. Now we're all in and want to see how she manages.

One of the biggest criticisms of my reviews is that I appear to be obsessed with runtime, and that's fair, but I think this film shows how a shorter runtime can really help the overall enjoyment of it. Going back to Edward L. Cahn, most of his films in the 50s and 60s also ran between 65 and 75 minutes (for example, Invasion of the Saucer Men was a cool 69 minutes--hey oh!), and that made sense, because not only did it help the budget, but it was easier for theaters at that time to fit in multiple showings and turn over the screening rooms, thus making them more money; plus the growing TV market could fit those movies more easily into various time slots. Now it's more about the fact that we have so many options for entertainment--a kid in a small town in the 60s may have only had that local indie theater for entertainment, while today they have myriad options at their fingertips (and unfortunately that local movie theater probably went out of business as a result)--so we often need entertainment that doesn't ask a lot of our time. That's why people binge a lot of TV shows, maybe they spend hours in total doing it, but each 45-minute episode doesn't seem like that much on its own. And I think this can lead to a rising tide raises all ships effect, because if I see this at 75 minutes and have a good time, which I did, I'm going to look on IMDb and see what other movies the people involved have done, and may be more likely to pop back on Tubi and fire up another not long after. For aspiring young indie filmmakers out there, remember, less runtime is better.

There is a large, Herculean elephant in the room that we have to address, and I'm probably walking in it by addressing it, but let's do it anyway. Mr. Kevin Sorbo, Hercules himself, has a small role as the president, but does a great job. The movie uses this ingenious plot device to give us an info dump that fills us in on the movie's backstory, which Sorbo plays a great part in making work. Essentially, Sorbo's staff has been doing a horrible job keeping him informed, and now that the excrement is coming into violent contact with the air circulating device, they have to tell him everything they haven't been telling him, and we get to hear it. In the process, he reminds us of what a great straight man he was on Hercules as he's like "what the hell is wrong with you people?", which was a lot of fun for me to see, and made the whole thing work. In the past however many years he's become a right wing meme of himself, to the point that I almost wondered if he was posting things like "secure our boarders" [sic] just to give the left wing grift more content. Like you can see Keith Olbermann's people being like "what should we post about today?" "Let's get Sorbo to make another crazy uncle post." "Great idea!" The thing is, while I couldn't give a shit less about Olbermann, I'm a fan of Sorbo's work, and would love to see him in more stuff like this, and I don't think I'm alone in that. I'm not trying to do the "shut up and dribble" thing, if he feels that strongly about his beliefs and wants to Tweet about them or whatever, more power to him; and I don't even know if posting less of that kind of stuff would get him more roles, but maybe it's just a reminder to him that Hercules had a large, diverse fan base from myriad backgrounds who enjoyed the show because of him, not in spite of him, and I think if he catered less to a small segment of that fandom and more to all of us, I think he'd find that more of us than he thinks would come back and embrace his work again.

Finally, usually this paragraph is designated for a tangential fact about the movie that relates to something else in my life, but I wanted instead to discuss the movie more. I understand that practical effects are not always practical in the modern age, especially with tight budgets and tight shooting schedules, but I feel like this movie gives other filmmakers a great road map on how to make it work. Shooting guns, probably better to keep CGI, when you're working on a tight shooting schedule, it's one less danger to worry about. Probably can say the same thing about explosions. Gore effects though are a lot of fun when done practically, and while they may take a lot of time to put together, I think the payoff is much greater than the payoff you'd get by shooting real blank rounds versus CGI rounds. And then you have the aliens. Real people in real suits is so much more fun than ones created through CGIs. Maybe you use the CGIs to enhance them, but when the overall effect is done with a real suit, you can't compare it, it's like high-fructose corn syrup versus real cane sugar. Again, going back to runtime, if you cut it down from 95 minutes to 75 minutes, the money saved from fewer shooting days can go into creating a few real alien suits, and I think if you asked moviegoers which they prefer, 95 minutes and CGI aliens or 75 minutes and real alien suits, they'd choose the latter. 

And with that, let's wrap this up. Currently you can get this as rent VOD on Amazon for $3.99. If you're looking for a fun time, and want to support indie films, this is a great option. Thank you to Sonny Mahal for sending this over to us, I really enjoyed it, and I'm looking forward to checking our more Mahal Empire films!

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt24070874

Hellfire (2026)

There was a time when the newest Dolph film would sit in my Netflix queue as I eagerly anticipated when it would finally be released and sent to me, and I would review it soon after. Now we live in the world of streaming and rent VOD, so I need to wait for a $1 movie night from Xfinity instead of ponying up $6 to rent it, which happened last weekend, so we're able to get this review on the site now.

Hellfire is an Isaac Florentine joint that takes place in 1988/2022 and involves a town in Texas/Arkansas that has been totally taken over by drug kingpin Harvey Keitel, and he forces the townsfolk to pack his drugs and do other crimes for him. That's when drifter and former Vietnam Vet Stephen Lang drifts into town, looking for work doing odd jobs so he can get some food and move on--or is he? When he sees a wheelchair bound Chris Mullinax and his daughter Scottie Thompson being terrorized by Keitel's son Michael Sirow, he decides to step in and show off a little Lang Fu. The problem is, has he made more trouble for the town than if he'd just left well enough alone? And is having a mustachioed Dolph as the corrupt sheriff enough to save this movie?

The answer unfortunately is no, because he's barely in this. While it has its moments, and I liked a lot of the modern Western touches, the film misses in a few key areas. One, we get long stretches of nothing happening, especially to start, and I was okay with that because they were building tension, but when we did finally get action, with a car chase leading into a cat-and-mouse shoot-out in an abandoned factory, it was more repetitive than action, which made me feel like "is that it?" Second, part of that tension is wondering if Lang will save these townsfolk, and spoiler alert, he doesn't. Wait, what? Aren't the townsfolk the whole point? Apparently not, so let's just gun them down and massacre them all. And then third... I'm sorry, I need to come back to the townsfolk massacre, so Lang comes into town, and they all end up dead as a result? And this all happens while Lang is lying on the ground with a massive head wound, which he eventually recovers from to deliver some Lang Fu on the baddies. Good for him I guess. If I had had to pay $6 for this I would've been pissed, and if I didn't have a review site where this would've been content, I would've been pissed paying $1 for it, but when it finally makes it to streamers like Tubi, it might be an okay way to spend 90 minutes.

Movie number 77 on the site for Dolph, and while he's not in it much, he does play a mustachioed Southern sheriff, so there's that. I don't know how much more we need from Dolph at this stage in his career, though maybe him being the star would be it? In fact he did a film similar to this, Missionary Man, which I have in my top 20 Dolph films (you can find our Dolph Lundgren Letterboxd list on the left sidebar), and in which he didn't let everyone die. Anyway, 77 means he's close to the 80 Club, which would be a massive milestone among many massive milestones Dolph's had on the site. To get there, we have Sharknado 5, which he's barely been in, but we can do; and the dreaded Fat Slags, which I've been warned against, but will have to do eventually. From there we'll probably need to wait for One Last Shot or Straight Shot to come out, though doing something like Mike & Nick & Nick & Alice would also work. So 80 will happen, it's more a matter of if than when, and you can be sure when we do movies number 78 and 79 for him, this paragraph for those will probably read like this one does.

Our film's other Hall of Famer is director Isaac Florentine, and while this is technically his most recent film out, it was shot in 2022 before his second-most recent film, Hounds of War, which Ty and I will be covering on an upcoming podcast episode. Speaking of Hounds of War, it's one of only three films of his that we haven't reviewed on the site, the other two being High Voltage, which I've watched and was going to be reviewed in this slot until I had a chance to get this movie on cheap rental; and Desert Kickboxer, which as far as I know is on YouTube, but is the only one of his I haven't seen. I think High Voltage is a great comparison to this one, because they both play out like modern Westerns, but High Voltage has a higher action quotient, and has a more fun premise too. Because I'm not counting Max Havoc: Curse of the Dragon as one of his directed films--Albert Pyun did most of it, but it's still enough for Florentine to get tagged--this makes 15 for him now on the site, and I'd say out of those 15, this is maybe 15th, or 14th above Assassin's Bullet, which makes this sound horrible, but instead I'd say that this shows the high floor Florentine has with his films, because it's not that bad. 15 directed films also puts him alone in fourth all-time on the site, behind Pyun (44), Fred Olen Ray (17), and Joseph Merhi (17), and while three movies left may sound like he can catch Ray and Merhi, they both have a lot more to review, so even if he does catch either of them, it'll be short-lived until he gets more stuff out there. But still, a great run, and as we said, if this is the worst of them, that's not bad.

The two other big names in this were the lead, Stephen Lang; and the lead baddie, Harvey Keitel. Lang was great as the stoic, humble hero, and while maybe the Lang Fu was a bit much, the rest of it really worked. Keitel was a more interesting one, because I caught Who's That Knocking at My Door a few days before I watched this, and the difference in Keitel between the two films was immense, not just because of the difference in age and difference in the quality of the movie. It was hard to reconcile that they were the same person. His part was small here, and didn't require a lot from him, but it does help the film if he's the baddie for even only a few scenes. And then I want to mention Michael Sirow, someone we're more likely to see on a podcast episode with Ty. He does a great rage bait baddie, and reminded me that before we had rage bait on Instagram or TikTok as a way to farm engagement, rage bait was reserved for movies like this, and was designed to enhance the viewing experience, not be the viewing experience in and of itself. It feels like a more noble pursuit, Sirow playing the biggest jerkoff he can so we root for Lang that much more, as opposed to an algorithm pushing me more content of a guy putting insulting bumper stickers on F-450s after their jerkoff owners double-park over two ADA accessible spaces. Less algorithm-drawn rage bait keeping me on my social media apps, and more Sirow taking one for the team like the professional actor he is, that's what we all need.

Finally, I feel like this seventh paragraph is becoming "what song did the film's title get in Matt's head this week?" And true to form, the song is The Prodigy's "Fire," which samples The Crazy World of Arthur Brown's "Fire," repeating the line "I am the God of Hellfire, and I bring you... fire" over and over. In 1997 I went on a school trip to England, and being a Prodigy fan at that time I got as many of their UK release singles as a could, assuming there was no way I could get them in the US. Turned out I was wrong, because as the band had blown up in the States, soon after all of those import CD singles were not only available, but they were cheaper, and I wouldn't have had to lug them from tour stop to tour stop--and would've had more money for the pubs, which was a big deal for an 18-year-old like me who wasn't legal to drink in bars in the US. Also, soon after the trip, I saw a freshman wearing a Prodigy T-shirt, and suddenly they weren't as cool to me anymore. Ah, the capriciousness of youth, right? And here we are almost 30 years later with me remarking about the whole thing in a blog post.

And with that, let's wrap this up. Rent VOD is currently the only way to go on this, and I'd say unless you get a discount, you're better off waiting. This is more a free-streamer time-killer than a $6 splurge, and if you're really craving Dolph, he has like 30 movies in Tubi, you could always give one of those a rewatch.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt14507394/

Onlyfangs (2025)

This was another screener request from producer/publicist Joe Williamson, and considering how well a lot of the ones he's sent us have been, I was excited to check this one out too... until I saw the almost 2-hour runtime. I finally took the plunge though and made it happen, so let's see how it did.

Onlyfangs is about a group of vampire ladies who finally rise up against the evil vampire master who had kept them enslaved, and cut out on their own. While their leader Scarlett (Nina Lanee Kent), and two other veteran vampires in the group, Selena (Adriana Uchishiba) and Zooey (Meredith Mohler) head out to bars and other guys hangouts to feed, newly minted vampire Reese (Kansas Bowling) goes on dates and feeds that way. After she bites Wes (Drew Marvick), and he doesn't die, he comes up with the idea of Onlyfangs, a site where guys can pay to have hot vampire women bite them. He gets his sister Gwen (Jessa Jupiter Flux) to do the camera work, and they go to work, creating the newest internet sensation. But then trouble starts. First, Scarlett wants more power; and then a MAGA senator (Ellie Church) starts investigating them. Will everyone live happily ever after?

Overall I really enjoyed this, it brought me back to 90s Full Moon movies or Jim Wynorski horror spoofs. The only thing with those, of course, is they all ran under 90 minutes, some even under 80 minutes, while this is clocking in at close to two hours. Watching it I can see why though. The filmmakers, Angelica De Alba and Paul Ragsdale, got a lot of help from people they had worked with before to make this happen, and I imagine when you get that kind of support, especially from people you're friends with, it's hard to tell them after "hey, remember those hours you put in helping us? Well, unfortunately we had to cut your scene from the movie." Look at the biggest movie right now, Spider-Man: Brand New Day, Rosario Dawson was all excited to tell her family she was in it, and then her scene was cut. And so if I'm De Alba and Ragsdale, I'd rather keep the scene and make someone like me afraid to watch it for the runtime, than have to have that conversation with a friend. And to be fair, that's probably the only real issue I have with the film. The messaging the filmmakers wanted to get across is clear, everyone seems like they're having a great time, and other than that runtime, it's everything I want in a horror comedy. Joe sent us another winner!

The standout for me was Kansas Bowling's Reese. To some extent she's so good that it undermines the ensemble quality the film was going for, because we'd lose her for periods of the film while other characters were being developed, but she was so strong in her performance that it was hard to not want the thing centered on her. She's able to naturally have every scene she's in iris in on her, seemingly without trying, which is a rare quality, and one that can enhance a film on a lower budget and help it get more for its money. I thought this was our first time seeing her on the site, but that's not true, she was in Steven Seagal's last movie, Beyond the Law, I believe as a sex worker who was addicted to drugs. Looking at her IMDb, the upcoming or recent one that stands out is Dire Duplicity, the new one from Neil Breen. I've only just started on Neil Breen's filmography, so I'm new to his stuff, but the fact that she's in one of his films is intriguing to say the least, and one I have to see. Back to this film, I wouldn't say her performance makes the film, because there are so many great performances here, but her natural ability to standout and steal scenes is a key reason why this film works so well overall.

There were a few core messages in this film, but one that stood out to me is the fact that when we work for a big corporation, they're exploiting our labor, and giving us a fraction of what our labor produces in exchange. Inside that message is a further message that people who look down on sex workers, like someone who makes money on Onlyfans, should look at how they and their own labor are being exploited first. As someone who both has a day job and wishes I could be making money to support myself with my site, podcast, and books, I totally get it. I used to look at it as I was making this sacrifice to a corporate overlord to allow me to do the things I want, but there is no quid pro quo, the moment they no longer see your labor as having any value, you're out, and beyond any severance, there's no thought to you as a person and what losing your job might mean; and to be fair, if someone came to me and said "I'll pay you what your current salary is to make your podcast and site," once I signed that contract the next email would be my two weeks notice--though to be fair again, the company would still be able to pay its bills without me. All that to say, beyond the fact that I don't think we should judge sex workers, including ones who earn money on Onlyfans, I always respect people who have found a way to make money doing what they love to do, outside of the corporate wage slavery system, and I wish we all could do it.

As this is an indie screener, I wanted to use this paragraph to highlight some other names in the film. First, we had four others that we've seen on the site in other films. First, Drew Marvick, our leading guy, played a man dealing with housing insecurity in Tony Schiena's The Weapon, which was also on podcast episode 135 with Ty. He's been in a ton of low-budget horror films, and he was a lot of fun here, so I'll have to check out more of his stuff. Then we had Adriana Uchishiba and August Kyss, who were in another Joe Williamson screener, Flesh of the Unforgiven, which had Debbie Rochon. Both were great, but Kyss's part was much smaller, while Uchishiba was one of the core vampires that made the film work. And then there was Ginger Lynn as Marvick and Jupiter's mother. Way back on the fifth day of our site, May 7th, 2007, we did Mind, Body, and Soul that had her and Wings Hauser in it. Here it's a small part, but it's always fun to see her. For first timers on the site, there were three who really stood out to me. First, Nina Lanee Kent, really great as the group leader, almost like a Julie Strain to Kansas Bowling's Shannon Tweed, if you will. And then we had the fourth member of the group, Meredith Mohler, she has an iconic scene where her outfit is similar to a Hooters server, which might be the ultimate dreary corporate job, and then she proceeds to bite a guy's scrotum off. We seem to have a lot of prosthetic penis and testicle mutilation in these screeners, don't we? Finally, Jessa Jupiter Flux as Gwen. Her character goes through one of the biggest changes, and you almost could've had two separate movies, one that focused on Reese getting more in touch with being a vampire, and one that focused on Gwen quitting her job and finding a new life in vampirism. A lot of great performances in this from actors who have been in a ton of stuff I now have to find and watch!

Finally, beyond the fact that one of the stars has the last name Bowling, bowling also plays a part when Scarlett, Selena, and Zooey take out a bunch of pick-up artist bro types at a bowling alley. I recently saw a More Perfect Union video about how bowling has become enshittified. It feels shark jump-ery doesn't, but then you watch the video, and see the jerkoff CEO of Bowlero who's straight out of central casting, and how he's bought up tons of independent lanes and turned them into Lucky Strikes with their strings holding up the pins, exorbitant lane fees, and even more exorbitant Sysco bar food--not only that, he's bought the PBA! I want to rhetorically say "how did this happen?", but we already know the answer. It's been a downhill trend to enshittification since Reagan and neo-liberal economics, with its deregulation and monopolization, and now finally Corey Doctorow came in and gave us a word to describe it all. Fortunately here in Philly, while we do have an enshittified Lucky Strikes, we also have some independent lanes, so maybe I need to go and support them. The problem is, I'm from New England, and we do candlepin bowling up there, which you can't find down here as far as I know. Still, keep your enshittification off our bowling you Bowlero jerkoffs!

And with that, let's wrap this up. This is currently on Pluto and Fawesome here in the States. It is a little long for a horror comedy, but it's also a really fun time, and a great way to support indie films. De Alba, Ragsdale, and the cast and everyone else involved nail the old Full Moon/Jim Wynorski feel of this, which you can't go wrong with.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt23950972/

And check out my newest novel, Mark in Sales, on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.

We Die Young (2019)

This is one we covered on the podcast with Sean Malloy of I Must Break This Podcast, back on episode 246, and with Van Damme so close to the 40 Club, I figured we had to make it happen here too. In addition to us, Chris the Brain at Bulletproof, Outlaw Vern, and even Simon Abrams for Roger Ebert have covered this as well.

We Die Young is about a young man named Lucas (Elijah Rodriguez), who makes collections and deals drugs for MS-13 gang leader Rincon (David Castaneda). One of the people he deals to is Daniel (Van Damme) an Afghan War vet whose vocal chords were damaged in the war, and who takes oxys to dull the pain and help with his PTSD. All is going well, until Lucas discovers his 10-year-old brother is being jumped into the gang, and he can't have that. The problem is, he was supposed to deliver some bricks of cash to someone for Rincon, and now that he hasn't done that, the people who were supposed to get said cash are coming for Rincon, who in turn is coming for Lucas. Maybe this Afghan War vet can help.

This has its moments. One, Van Damme turns in another nice performance, and Castaneda was solid too. Also Elijah Rodriguez, whose Lucas character is the center of everything, does a great job making that work. On the other hand, there were some issues, the biggest is the unevenness with Van Damme's character in the story. It felt like maybe his character wasn't meant to be in the movie at all, but when producer Moshe Diamant, who has a long history with Van Damme, found out he could get him for this, they added the part in in order to make that happen. It makes sense, because I wouldn't be watching or reviewing this for the site without Van Damme, let alone include it on a podcast episode, but as I said, it makes the whole thing uneven, as there are elements of Van Damme's character that aren't developed as well, but also we don't know if he's the hero, or Rodriguez. The other thing is, the whole MS-13 thing feels like bad Latin American scare mongering, which in 2019 would've fit in with the rest of the anti-immigrant slander in the US, and great performances by Castaneda and Rodriguez weren't able to overcome that. Finally, we come to a Van Damme film for the action, and while we did get some here, there was also a lot of shaky cam that disrupted it. For me, this is really for Van Damme completists only, but I would watch some of his others first before you get to this one.

Speaking of Van Damme, this is his 37th film on the site. Yes, it's his 38th tag, but one of those was for the 400th post, which was the Van Damme film fest, so it doesn't count as a movie. Based on that, we could get him into the 40 Club if we do The Gardiner along with Swelter and Welcome to the Jungle. He also has some things in production that could get us there. The 40 Club is a big deal, especially for someone like him who also had a large big screen career. And unlike Seagal, who's been stuck on 39 since 2019, and whose movies are mostly all the same, Van Damme has tried a lot of different things, and this movie is testament to that. I think that's what interested him in the project, beyond wanting to do Moshe Diamant a solid, and it does show in his performance, it's just that we lose him for big chunks because we'll following Rodriguez's character and what he's up to. Either way, I do think the fact that Van Damme has been taking projects like this should be applauded.

David Castaneda does a solid job here, taking what was a standard gangster role, that was attempted to be written with nuance, but was pretty one-note, and imbuing it with his own nuance. In 2019 he would also start on The Umbrella Academy, which took his career to another level, and he was able to leave these kinds of movies behind--at least for now anyway. For as solid an actor as he is, it's interesting that one area he's been inhabiting is the bigger name who gets killed off in the first act, as this happens to him in both The Ballerina and Trap House. Hopefully soon he'll get more parts that let him last longer into the movie! It's always cool in the DTV world to get a name like this just before they get bigger, and it brings an added element to watching them beyond the film's main star.

We often talk about how New York City is a character in itself in a film, and while I don't know if Washington, DC is quite at that level, it is a pretty recognizable city, especially when a set in Bulgaria is supposed to pass for it. Then the comment Lucas makes about how the area they lived in was only 20 minutes from the White House, it made it sound like Lior Geller, the writer and director, hadn't really been to DC before. It was like when the Bush 41 Administration set up a fake crack buy across from the White House in 1989, the guy they got to sell them the drugs had no idea where the White House was or where they wanted him to meet them, the "20 minutes from the White House" was more of the film's anti-Latin American propaganda, like "these evil illegal immigrant gangs are only 20 minutes from the White House!" Beyond the bad propaganda aspect, it just all plays goofy to have what is clearly a studio set in Bulgaria that looks nothing like any part of DC trying to be passed off as DC. My advice to low-budget filmmakers: if you can't shoot there, just make up place and set the film there instead. We'll be more accepting of that than this.

Finally, the film's title for some reason or other gets The Power Station's "We Fight for Love" aka "Someday, Somehow, Someone's Gotta Pay" in my head. Every time I saw it, I thought "we die for young..." which doesn't make any sense, but I guess that's how I think about things musically. I was trying to think from a soundtrack standpoint how many songs are better than that one. It's the punctuation mark on one of the greatest films of all time. I found out this song came after Robert Palmer left the group and was replaced by Michael Des Barres, which is why the vocals are different from things like "Some Like It Hot" and "Get It On." I don't know if it would've been better with Palmer's vocals, but there was a period when they reformed with the original line-up in 1996, which makes me curious to know if Palmer performed this live, or if he insisted on no Des Barres songs while they toured. 

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can get this on Plex here in the States, but it's kind of an odd one because it comes and goes on Tubi too, so you may see it on there again at some point. As I said above, I think this is for Van Damme completists only, but I think those Van Damme fans will find something in his performance. Also, check out the podcast episode Sean and I did on this one, number 246 in the archives.

For more information: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7903530

And check out my newest novel, Mark in Sales, on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.

Shepherd Code: Lapierre (2026)

This is one Ty and I covered on the podcast, episode 269 in the archives, and with the names involved, and because we'd covered the other two films on here as well, I knew it needed a written review too. In addition to us, Chris the Brain at Bulletproof Action has also covered this.

Shepherd Code: Lapierre is a prequel to the previous two films, where we learn how our eponymous hero (Alan Delabie) came to be the guy we saw in those other two entries. After his wife divorces him (and he tells her "I'm disappointed in you" and "look at all I've done for you," because I guess he'd rather his wife be unhappy and stay married to him than file for divorce?) he gets a job from his boss, Don "The Dragon" Wilson, to keep a target safe, one Tania Edwards (Theresa Kassa from the first film), because Lapierre "knows how to handle women." Beyond the chauvinism in that, or that his wife just dumped him and his response was "look at all I've done for you," so maybe he can't "handle women," Lapierre takes the job, and proceeds to fall in love with Tania. Will the dancing and romantic dinners go to his head and prevent him from carrying out his mission?

This is a different movie from the first two, with less action and more drama. What does that mean for you the viewer? Exactly that. It's the opposite of the Elvis song that Dolph performed on a Swedish awards show, so if you're looking for a little less conversation and a little more action, this isn't the movie for you. There is an independent spirit aspect of this though that is worth supporting, an earnestness in what Delabie wanted to do here that I appreciated. To have a vision for a film, and despite limited resources have it completed it and available on places like Tubi where the whole world can see it is something to be applauded. And it isn't all conversation, we do get some fight scenes that look nice and have some inspired moments. On the other hand, the chauvinism should've been left on the cutting room floor. "You know how to handle women" is something out of 1966, not 2026, and something like that can make it harder to champion an indie effort. Overall though I think with this on Tubi and other free streamers here in the US, if you're looking to support independent filmmaking, this is worth a watch.

With an indie film like this, I think there needs to be a different calculus when evaluating it. For example, recently we looked at Kill 'Em All 2, and the question came up, "who was asking for this film?" Right? Did we need a sequel to Kill 'Em All? And the reason we ask that, is that movie is being distributed by Sony, which means they're expecting an audience to be there that will turn them a profit--and they were probably right, because Netflix picked it up. For this film, the "who was asking for this?" question is easier to answer, Alan Delabie asked for this. It was his vision, and he successfully got his vision on the screen and available for us to consume, which I think is fantastic. From there it's a matter of who the audience is, but I don't think we should create art with an audience in mind, we should let the audience find it. And to that end, the podcast episode on our YouTube channel had a comment from someone who really enjoyed this, even saying it was their favorite of the three. For me, I would've liked more action, but that's not the movie he made, and I think that's okay too, there's an audience out there for the vision he wanted to make, even if it didn't work for me, but I wouldn't want him to change his movie for me or anyone else.

We're on our fifth paragraph and only now getting to our film's Hall of Famer and 40 Club member, which gives you a sense of how much he's in the movie, but this is still Don "The Dragon" Wilson's 44th tag nonetheless. Six more movies to 50 could be tough based on how many we have left to do and ones currently in production, but maybe Delabie will make a few more Shepherd Code movies, and Cynthia Rothrock and Alexander Nevsky will make a few more Westerns, and he'll get there. Even if he doesn't get there, he's still one of the greatest to ever do it, and it's great to see him in anything, even it's a small part. Speaking of small parts, Eric Roberts and Patrick Kilpatrick each have one-scene cameos. One idea that Ty and I had to break up some of the monotony that we saw in the long stretches without action, was to have Lapierre call either Roberts or Kilpatrick from time to time, that way they don't need to shoot in additional locations, and can do their scenes at the same time they're doing their one scene with Delabie, but those calls can be spread organically throughout the movie for the audience to enjoy. Just a thought, but I think how a film uses its names when they can only afford them for a limited amount of shooting can really impact how the film comes across overall.

As many films nowadays are wont to do, we have our share of overhead drone establishing shots here, but one shot caught my attention. Before we see our hero in a workout montage showing off his skills, we get an overhead establishing shot of the MMA gym he's going to be working out in, and the roof is covered in solar panels. The gym is Shocx MMA training center, I believe in Brussels, so if you're in the Brussels area and need to practice your grappling or boxing, you can go there and know that they're using sustainable energy to keep the lights on. It's probably no surprise to you that I'm not much of a gym guy, but I do walk a lot, which also helps the environment, so I'm trying to do my part too. We all do what we can, but here's to you Shocx MMA for going the extra mile.

Finally, look at that gem. I think it's a Birmingham Barons hat, which is the AA affiliate of the Chicago White Sox. They're most famous for being the team Michael Jordan played for during his retirement from basketball in the mid-90s, which, when the Major League Baseball players lockout happened in 1994, their games were aired on ESPN to make up for the lack of Major League games. As you know from any amount of time reading this site, I'm a huge baseball fan, and among my baseball bucket lists, one is seeing a game in every US state that has a professional team. Right now I have 12 plus DC, so I have a long way to go, and Alabama is a state I've never even been to before, let alone see a baseball game, so it's a trip I have to make at some point. Who knows, Major League Baseball is facing another potential lockout for the 2027 season, and if that happens, Minor League Baseball like the Barons will be my only option, so next year might be the perfect time to make it happen, and if I do, I have this movie to thank for reminding me to go.

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can currently get this on a whole host of screeners here in the States, including Tubi, which has the other two as well. The lack of action may turn action fans off, but if you're looking for something a bit different and you want to support indie film, this is a great way to go. Also, be sure to check out the podcast episode Ty and I did on this one, 269 in the archives.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt36415829/

And check out my newest novel, Mark in Sales, on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.