Miracle Beach (1992)

This is another of the Netflix Dump 8, which I chose because it stars one of my all time favorites, Dean Cameron aka Chainsaw from Summer School, aka Dave Marshak from Ski School and Ski School 2.  I love seeing this guy in anything possible, so this was a must.  It also starred Ami Dolenz, Pat Morita, Martin Mull, and Vincent Schiavelli, making it all the more sweeter.  Let's see how it went.  Also, our friends over at BMovieChicks.com did this one too, so go over there and see what they said.

Miracle Beach stars Cameron as a down and out beach bum who catches his girl in bed with his boss, meaning he's fired, and two seconds later his landlord evicts him.  At the same time, Ami Dolenz lives in a world of genies-- yep, that kind of genies-- and she's sent to Earth to be someone's genie.  She and Cameron seem like a match made in heaven, and Cameron can't wait to use her omnipotence to change his fortunes.  He opens his own beach resort, chases the local hottie, gets said local hottie a gig with major Hollywood producer played by Martin Mull, and sets his two buddies up with a sweet situation at the resort with some bikini models.  But Dolenz is falling in love with Cameron-- can you blame her?-- and she starts to sabotage his dating of the local hottie, causing friction between the two.  Will Cameron discover his love for Dolenz before the genie review board puts her away in her bottle for good for meddling in her master's affairs?



Unfortunately this one was a disappointment for me.  I felt like Cameron was wasted.  This was not the Dave Marshak we wanted, and the genie aspect removed the best part of Cameron's characters: their resourcefulness.  It's always great watching him plan things, and then watching his elaborate plans come together.  The material also didn't give him many opportunities to be funny, which was too bad too, because we know how funny he is, and that's what we're watching an early 90s beach romp starring him in it for.  Dolenz was fun, and Morita, Mull, and Schiavelli were all great too-- as was Cameron despite how poorly his role used him--, but this suffered from the fact that the genie aspect didn't take off.  It still has some USA Up All Night nostalgia factor, so in that sense, it might work for some, it just didn't work for me.

The good romp involves a few factors.  First, charismatic characters.  We had it in Cameron, Dolenz, and Morita, but it lacked sorely in Cameron's two buddies.  They were just women chasing blah, no real personality, simply afterthoughts.  These guys make the film when they're good, and annoy the viewer when they're bad.  Second, adversity.  There need to be heels that need to be overcome.  Jerk ski instructors, asshole businessmen, etc.  Because we had the omnipotent genie aspect, heels had no pull in this.  Dean Cain has a small role as a potential heel, but he's gone immediately.  Without that tension, the script just plods along.  Finally, the lead needs room to be the lead.  He needs to be out there riffing and doing crazy stuff.  Having his genie give him things to impress a woman isn't enough.  This was a romp that lack in romp-iness.



A Dean Cameron Ami Dolenz Romantic Comedy is something that could've really worked though in a better scenario.  They had the chemistry, just not the material.  I don't know if the better setting would be Cameron wooing Dolenz, or if she were the other woman trying to make Cameron notice her, but in a classic 80s/90s romp paradigm, it would've been so much fun.  The thing is, why can't we see that now though?  What about a remake of Back to School, with Marshak as the billionaire who buys his way back to school, and Dolenz as the professor who has a thing for him, but doesn't know if she can take him seriously enough.  Bring Dean Cain back in too as the guy she's engaged to.  Seriously, how great would this movie be?

Unfortunately, Pat Morita won't be able to star in any remake, as he's no longer with us.  I loved seeing him here though as the beach bum that Cameron befriends and gives a job to at his resort.  Schiavelli played a local mystic, who may be more of a scam artist that has bitten off more than he can chew when Cameron shows up asking him about a magic lamp.  Martin Mull as the sleazy producer/director whom Cameron has the genie make into his old friend so he can introduce the local hottie to him was a lot of fun too-- we'll have him play the dean at the college Cameron attends, the Ned Beatty role.  Dean Cain was like an almost heel that never was, and is credited only as "Volleyball Player #1".  Seriously.  Finally, I totally missed this, but Alexis Arquette played one of Cameron's buddies, only as a dude.  I missed it so much, I didn't even get an image of her in it.  That's the problem with these Netflix dump kind of things, if I miss something, I can't go back and rectify it.



Finally, Dolenz has a scene where she's watching TV while Cameron is on a date.  Flipping through the channels, she finds a movie with DTVC favorites the Barbarian Brothers, and a basketball game featuring my Celtics and the LA Clippers.  Gary Grant himself appears on-screen, as Dolenz transports him to her living room so she can give him a pep talk, and send him back to the arena to take down my C's.  It was a great blast from the past, especially seeing my C's in better days-- though '91-'92 was when they were hoping McHale and Bird would be healthy enough for one more run, not unlike the current situation with my team.  Unlike my C's, the Clippers are finally a much better team, something that 20 years ago would've seemed impossible.

So this is a pass for me, unfortunately.  I wanted so much to like it, but ultimately the entire thing was sauteed in wrong sauce.  Hopefully that remake of Back to School with Cameron and Dolenz will be made, which will make up for what we didn't get here.  I'm not holding my breath for that though.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104879/

Circle of Pain (2010)

About a month ago I reviewed a film called Locked Down. In the comments section of that post, two things happened. First, our friend Ty at comeuppance reviews, gave us the term "punchfighting movie" when describing this UFC/TapOut sub-genre of low-budget martial arts films, complete with the tatted bruisers, songs performed by Disturbed derivatives, and sea-sickness inducing MTV film edits. Second, our friend Jason over at elementarybeatboxoperator,storylike made the joke that he might handle these films better while under the influence of Mountain Dew. And thus the Punchfighting Movie Mountain Dew Doritos Experiment was born.

I decided to go back to my movie watching roots for this one. On a recent free day, after my morning walk and a quick shower, I planted myself on the couch and had Mountain Dew and Doritos for lunch-- that's it-- while I watched two recent Punchfighting movie efforts, Circle of Pain and Beatdown. Below is a picture of what I put into my system:



And no, Mr. Anonymous from Unrivaled, it wasn't this:



Before I get into the review, let me just say that I was ill equipped physically to deal with the ramifications of what a lunch of Mountain Dew and Doritos meant. I was lightheaded, felt some tingling in my left arm, and thought on numerous occasions that I might have what the competitive eaters call a "reversal of fortune". As late as midnight-- twelve hours later!-- I was still feeling these effects. I know as a blogger the idea is that junk food is considered an average meal for us in our parents' basements; but in the real world, as an actual person, I'm too far removed from my college days when I used to pull this kind of shit and get away with it. My body just doesn't find it funny anymore.

Anyway, so here we are, onto Circle of Pain. It stars rising Punchfighting guy Tony Schiena (Locked Down) as a former fighter who broke his buddy Dean Cain's back with a spin kick (believe me, it was hilarious). Five years later, Bai Ling, who runs the MMA outfit Schiena used to fight for, decides that he needs to fight again against her champ, Heath Herring. She twists his arm by evicting Schiena's baby mama and daughter out of the house Ling provided for them, somehow circumventing any landlord/tenant laws in the process. Now Schiena must overcome his regrets for what he did to his buddy and climb back into that ring triumphant.



I don't know if it was the Mountain Dew or what, but this wasn't too bad. Yes, the scene where Schiena breaks Cain's back is hilarious, and the flashbacks after are even better-- "I play that moment back in my mind, just thinking 'why didn't I kick him a little higher!'" The fight scenes outside of the ring were pretty clunky, like the one with Kimbo Slice, pretty much just wait, punch punch, wait, punch punch, wait, kick, block, throw, repeat; but the final fight inside the ring was great, one of the best MMA dramatizations we've seen in this sub-genre. Also, it was refreshingly light on the MTV gimmicky camera effects. Schiena in the featurette called it the "Rocky of MMA", which is what Unrivaled technically was too, but this was much better. The plot didn't stray too far and get weird on us, and Bai Ling as the MMA organization president was too perfect for words in my opinion. I would say it's more Rocky V than Rocky, but it was a good Rocky V.

Tony Schiena worked better here as the hero than he did in Locked Down, though I have to say he didn't work in the latter more because of the convoluted plot that made him act in awkward scenes than it was him. I do love that he always speaks in these breathy tones, like he's an obscene caller or something. "Hey Dean Cain, do you know who this is? What're you wearing? Are you wearing corduroy? Ooh, I can hear you swish swishing around the house as we speak..." He's a great fighter though, so hopefully he'll get more and better work.



Speaking of the devil, Dean Cain plays a paraplegic. In the featurette, he said he wanted this role because he knew people who were paralyzed, and he saw how they lived very full lives in spite of their disabilities. That brings in an interesting question: is that good enough for you Dean Cain fans out there? What I mean is, is not seeing him fight that much enough for you, if you find out after the fact why he took the role he did? It's one of those things about the featurette, because it explains a lot, but do you except the explanations if you were looking for something else? I was fine with it, even before finding out about why, but that's just me.

One of my favorite MMAers, Frank Mir, has a small, clunky cameo where he gets his ass kicked by Heath Herring. Again, in the featurette, we find out he was just doing it to get his feet wet in the acting world. I'm good with him doing that, but by putting his name on the cover, it's a bait-and-switch. Also, his fight scene wasn't very good at all. Wait, punch punch, wait, knee knee, throw. If he's going to go the next level and get a bigger part, I'd say make him a cyborg or something that throws people a lot and breaks their arms with nasty jiu-jitsu holds. That would rule. As an aside, the background of his one scene is a sick Shelby Cobra-- at least I think it is, I don't know cars that well.



Bai Ling was awesome, and if you see her in the featurette, she's even more awesome. The first thing she says is "this movie is better than drugs, alcohol, or anything else you're taking." Umm, Bai, what exactly do you think I'm taking? Oh wait, that's right, Mountain Dew. Then she says the director was a genius for casting her, because she was playing a part made for a white man. Simply beautiful. I could have done with her in a better haircut, and the leopard print nail polish was a little bit much, but otherwise, she totally sold it. It was one of the elements that elevated this from the run-of-the-mill Punchfighting film.

All right, so final verdict, clunky fights, but a really amazing last one; a pretty funny storyline, especially when you see the actual kick to the back; a script that uses the word "fucking" as its go-to verb; yet also a great Bai Ling; and a hero who speaks in breathy tones but is a solid fighter and a guy worth rooting for. It's the Rocky V of MMA films, which isn't so bad a deal. Again, maybe it was the Mountain Dew that made me lighten up, but I didn't hate this.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1541664/

Max Havoc: Ring of Fire (2006)

I found this on Watch Instantly, and since I'd already seen the Albert Pyun directed Max Havoc: Curse of the Dragon, I figured I'd give it a try. This isn't directed by the DTVC Hall of Fame director, but does have a star studded cast, including Dean Cain, Rae Dawn Chong, and Martin Kove.

Max Havoc: Ring of Fire takes place I guess after Curse of the Dragon, but it's not really apparent. Anyway, Havoc is in a Seattle that doesn't look like Seattle, staying at a hotel owned by Dean Cain to take pictures of a tennis star who is on her comeback. He's still running from his past as a kickboxer who killed a guy in the ring, but he's been pressed into action after he tracks his stolen camera equipment to a mission in a poor district run by Rae Dawn Chong. The mission is attacked by some local toughs, Havoc beats them off, and finds out things are deeper than just gang violence. The more he digs, the more Dean Cain and police lieutenant Martin Kove look like they might be as innocent as they seem.



I don't know how to play this one. It worked for me, but strictly in terms of bad action. There isn't much else to it. The dialog is atrocious and the plot is pretty standard, so you're really only in this for Mickey Hardt beating the crap out of people, which isn't bad. Based on the constant fade-outs at perfect commercial points and the way the credits didn't roll at the end, but rather appeared and disappeared the way they would on a TV show, I thought this may have had a previous life as a Made for TV Movie. I couldn't find any proof of that on imdb. The other thing I considered, based on the cast and pacing, was it might have been a pilot for a syndicated action show. Again, I found no proof of that. I guess in the grand scheme of things, the only reason to watch it is if you've seen all the bad action films you like too much already, and you just want to try something new.

I don't know what was up with the Dean Cain dye job. Wow. I don't know how I feel about him as a bad guy either. It's just not a good look, even more so than the bleached hair. He's one who does more Made for TV than Direct to Video movies, so we don't see him very often at the DTVC. According to imdb, among his 12 in-development projects, one is Abandoned, the last film Brittany Murphy was working on before she died.



One actress that I really liked in this was Christina Cox. Usually when we see her, she's playing a tough woman, like a member of a mercenary team or something, so a glamorous tennis star was a change of pace. Her athletic build works better in dresses and painted on jeans than it does in army fatigues. I'm not saying army fatigues aren't hot too, just that it's good to mix it up once in a while.

Though this is the fifth Martin Kove film we've done at the DTVC, it's only the second since September of 2007. A travesty, really. I mean, this guy was a staple for me growing up in the 80s and 90s, and it's surprising that in three years he's not at least into double figures, let alone only half way there. It's not anything I did on purpose either, it just sort of happened that way. Hopefully now with the big names like Dolph, Seagal, and Van Damme having complete DTV filmographies reviewed here, we'll have more time to celebrate the greatness that is The Kove.



I've only been to Seattle once in my life, for five days, one of which was spent in Portland, Oregon, so I don't know the city inside and out, but I'd seen enough of it to know immediately that this film wasn't shot there. It didn't take long to guess too that it was filmed in Vancouver, even though I'd never been there. What I don't understand is, why even say it's set in Seattle? If none of it has anything to do with famous aspects of Seattle, why not just set it in Vancouver? Or do like Highlander: The Series did, and set it in the fictitious city of Seacouver.

I can't recommend this because there's a good chance you'll watch it and say "what a useless sack of asscrack", which is fine. I kind of liked it, but in an acquired taste sort of way. That's not enough to recommend it. I like Mickey Hardt, and it's too bad these are the only two English language films he's done. It might be worth it if you're an action connoiseur to check this out for him, but that's a big might.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0403279/

Phase IV (2001)

I found this on Netflix's Watch Instantly. I liked the idea of The Boz, but I put it on hold in order to do Stone Cold. Now that that's done, it's time for the next Boz pic, and this is it.

Phase IV has Dean Cain as a former Navy SEAL going back to college in his thirties to get back into football playing shape after a bad knee injury. He has a buddy that's framed for murder, and the guy comes to him for help before he's killed. Something's up with some pills and a pharmaceutical firm, and Cain's on the case as campus reporter. Brian Bosworth is a local detective working for the firm to keep their shady business a secret, and he gives Cain a hard time. Can Cain expose the truth before he becomes their next victim?



This wasn't a bad film. It was more a Lifetime film disguised as an action pic with almost no women in it. Cain was surprisingly believable as the Navy SEAL, but part of that was that they didn't make him an unbeatable fighter that can take tons of dudes at once, but rather an experienced elite fighter that can handle himself better than most in sticky situations. I didn't like The Boz as a bad guy, but he worked. All that being said, there really wasn't anything special about this to merit a recommendation.

I hated the idea of The Boz as a bad guy. Why would you take the star of Stone Cold, and put him in a role where I can't root for him? I get why they had Dean Cain as the hero, and I don't think Bosworth would've worked in that role; and I'm not saying Bosworth wasn't good as a bad guy, it just wasn't any fun to watch him. For those Bosworth fans out there reading this, Phase IV is a bad way to get your fix.



I liked Dean Cain here. I know, it sounds silly: Dean Cain, former Navy SEAL. But it works surprisingly well. They weren't going for a Dolph/Seagal type dominating figure that can take out ten guys at once. They were going for a more realistic Navy SEAL that could handle himself better than the average guy. He could fend off five guys at once, but only for so long. The problem with all of this is: I don't want a realistic Navy SEAL. I want fucking Dolph Lundgren beating the crap out of ten dudes at once. I'll settle for Jerry Trimble doing it, but it's what I want.

The crux of the plot is that this drug company has found the cure for AIDS, but kills it because they make more money forcing AIDS patients to live on a coctail of expensive pills that only mask the symptoms. It sounds like a brilliant yet diabolical idea in theory, but we're seeing with GM right now that the model doesn't work. GM decided if they made their cars breakdown sooner, people will buy a new car sooner, making them more money. That worked well, until the Japanese got into the American market, and people got past their fears of not buying American. Now GM's bankrupt, and their ads are pleading with us to believe them that Hondas and Toyotas suck. I guess what I'm saying is, if a drug company invented a cure for AIDS, it would behoove them to sell it and market it, because eventually another drug company will discover a cure too, and then they'll reap the rewards.



This film was supposed to take place in Maine, but for me, growing up in Maine, I didn't recognize anything. It turns out it was filmed in Halifax. On imdb, they came up with all these gaffs that the film made giving away that it was filmed in Canada, like a random sign with measurements in metric. Really? How about the fact that Halifax is a much larger urban environment with skyscrapers and three lane one-way streets that no city in Maine has. Then there was the fictious New England University (there's a tiny school in Biddeford, Maine that's the University of New England), that was larger than any school in Maine. The biggest thing I noticed is how the film makers seem to think Maine has bigger things happening in it than it really does. Maine is a small town with a population around the size of the Bronx in New York. The average Mainer lives 45 minutes away from the nearest McDonald's. Believe me, I live here. Nothing's going on in this state!

This is a total skipper. Don't waste your time. It's fun, and Bosworth and Cain are cool, but for what it is-- a more violent Lifetime movie with no women in it-- there's just no point in taking 90 minutes out of your life to watch it. My advice, just watch Stone Cold again.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0289758/