Raw Justice aka Good Cop, Bad Cop (1994)

Wasn't there a Klingon proverb that said "justice is a dish best served raw"? Either way, this had been on my radar for a long time, and when Tubi finally picked it up, I didn't have anymore excuses, so we're making it happen now. In addition to us, the guys at Bulletproof and the guys at Comeuppance have covered this as well.

Raw Justice has David Keith (not to be confused with Keith David) as a former cop who's now a bounty hunter. When he's not wearing the clothes of a lady of the night--and magically making said clothes fit him--in order to fool a mark, he's drinking and ruing his lost love. When said lost love is murdered, Airplane's Robert Hays is implicated, so lost love's father, mayor Charles Napier, calls in Keith to keep an eye on Hays, because Keith can work outside the law. At the same time, he's being harassed by former fellow cop Leo Rossi, who's working for lieutenant mayor Stacy Keach to cover up the murder; and then lady of the night Pamela Anderson comes calling for her clothes Keith took, and gets wrapped up in Keith and Hays's troubles. Just put your goggles on for the last 15 minutes, because you'll need some eye protection when all these loose ends start flying together.

What do we make of a movie like this? It's pretty paint-by-numbers, except it isn't. First off there's the music, which is a cross between the start of the Chili's "Baby Back Ribs" song and what you'd hear in a Roseanne episode supporting a scene change establishing shot. Oh, they're at the Lobo Bar? Now they're back at the Connor's house? Maybe Darlene's apartment in Chicago? Ooh, is David hiding in the bathroom? On the other hand, this had some nice action sequences in it, not PM, but nice enough; and the names are prodigious, with Keith as the disgraced cop on the edge, Robert Hays in a Guttenbergian turn as the awe-shucks guy--yet he also knows kung fu?--, Pamela Anderson pre-Barb Wire but mid-Baywatch slumming it in a David Prior-directed flick, and then Napes, Keach, and Rossi being as Napes, Keach, and Rossi as you want. And before I forget, the great Ted Prior in a small role as another cop helping Rossi, sans mullet but fully-shirted, almost like a Bizzaro Danton. And maybe, for all the things that worked and all the things that didn't, that's what we ultimately needed to get us over the goal line: more New York Seltzer-sponsored AIP action. Where's William Zipp when you need him?

This is our first Pamela Anderson film on the site, just shy of 1300 posts in. I'm not sure why I didn't do Barb Wire back when I was doing Wild Card posts on comic book films, but I must've missed it. With all of the talent in this, it was apparent that she was the one with the real it factor, that it was only a matter of time before she became a big star, though it was more star in the celebrity sense, because she never really had that one breakout acting role. This was maybe 5 years before one could be famous just for being famous, like Paris Hilton, or later Kim Kardashian, so Anderson at least had to try acting, but I think she was one of the first stars to create that famous just for being famous ecosystem, so without her we wouldn't have Kim Kardashian. According to the trivia, she said the love scenes in this were horrible for her, which I definitely saw in the David Keith love scene, where he's really rough with her; but the one with Hays seemed very tame. From a character standpoint, I get why Keith would've gone that route, but he also could've acted it out more than actually going for it. It felt very Jeff Conaway in a Traci Lords PM flick, and you could even see in the shots they used in the film how uncomfortable Anderson was with it, but how she tried to go with it--which again, fit their characters better in the movie, but that doesn't help Anderson out with what she went through at all.

Out of all the names, Napes is the one with the most tags on the site, this being his 13th. After that, David Winters has his 8th (he's a producer), Keach, Rossi, and both Priors have 6, and David Keith has 3. In the scene I took the screen of above, he's in Keith's apartment asking for his help to keep an eye on Hays while Hays is out on bail. From a story standpoint, it's a ludicrous construct, why would Napes do this, especially when we find out he doesn't suspect anyone else, he really thinks Hays did it, why bother getting Keith involved at all? But Napes sells it as only Napes can. "What is my motivation here? Why would I do this if I was this guy?" The paycheck is why, and Napes knows that, and he delivers. The Keach kind of makes no sense, it took a second to even realize it was him. I guess he had to play it this way for us to believe he was the lieutenant mayor to Napes, but I like a good mustachioed no-nonsense Keach if I'm getting Keach in my film. And then there's Rossi. He has this combination Cajun and an impression of the late Leslie Jordan accent that was equal parts hilarious and fascinating. Like I think if I could have one wish, it might be to eat at a Waffle House with Rossi while he's doing that voice the whole time. "You 'bout done with that Heinz 57 sauce? My potatoes are cryin' out for a lil' dab uh two." Who am I kidding, it'd be an honor to have a meal at a Waffle House with Leo Rossi, even if he wasn't doing his Cajun crossed with Leslie Jordan voice. A guy can dream, right?

As I said above, this is now six films for David Prior, but only 5 for directing, which puts him way down the directors tags list--he got a tag for his writer's credit on Dancin' It's On, that's why he has six. That's definitely on me, because I'm behind on my AIP flicks overall--of which this isn't one--but also Prior is one of the DTV greats, and deserves to have more films on here. For all the paint-by-numbers-ness of this, Prior does inject some nice action sequences, from a mall dirt bike chase, to some nice flying cars, to an exploding helicopter. I'm not going to say this is as good as Shakedown, but Prior does his best to get us closer to that. Looking at his IMDb bio, he has another 25 or so films that we could cover here on the site, so I just need to get after it. I'll do my darndest. Here's to you Mr. Prior, you were one of the greats.

Finally, who remembers Montgomery Ward? When our heroes are chasing each other on dirt bikes through the mall, we get a good shot of one here. Growing up, Wards was the anchor at the Newington Mall, which was run out of business by the bigger Fox Run Mall that was opened near it in the late 80s--and the Montgomery Ward along with it--only for the Newington Mall to be torn down and replaced by a massive strip mall with a Barnes and Noble, Kohl's, and Best Buy, which has since almost killed the Fox Run Mall. Anyway, back to Wards, did you know they still exist online? And you can go to the site and request a physical catalog be sent to you? Now I don't know if that catalog has He-Man figures for sale in it, and my parents live over 350 miles away, so I can't just circle the guys I want and dogear the pages so they can find them, but just the idea of a Monkey Wards catalog is fantastic! As an aside, did anyone else call it Monkey Wards? Was that a thing everywhere, or just my neighborhood in my small town in Maine? If you're wondering, I ordered the physical catalog. I had to. Maybe the next Prior film I review will have a chase in front of a Service Merchandise.

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can currently get this as Good Cop, Bad Cop on Tubi--despite that fact that neither character is a cop--which is as good a way to get it as any. With the names and the good bits of action here and there, it's a nice weekend morning time killer--if you find you have time to kill some weekend morning.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110948

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos (2005)

This is another of the Stars Play 11, so chosen because it listed Jeffrey Combs and Danny Trejo among its stars. Those two make anything worth checking out. Of course, it's not beyond me that they probably weren't in this much either, but I figured I'd give it the benefit of the doubt.

All Souls Day is about a suspicious town in Mexico, where, on the day of the dead, zombies take it over unless a young woman of Mexican descent is sacrificed. A young couple just happen to be strolling through, a gringo and a Latina, on their way so the gringo can meet his girlfriend's parents. They get into an accident as the sacrificial procession moves through the town square, and then they stop the girl from being sacrificed. Bad move, because the zombies are coming, and unless these kids can figure out why they're coming, or sacrifice another Mexican girl-- say our lovely Latina-- everyone will be dead.



First off, let's get this out of the way: Jeffrey Combs is barely in it at the beginning, as the father of a family from the 50s that tries to stay at the local hotel and is overtaken by the zombies; and Danny Trejo is in it a little more, but is still only ancillary as a kind of de facto baddie. The main characters are Marisa Ramirez and Travis Wester, who play the couple, and Laura Harring as the woman who runs the local hotel. I'm not going to say they're bad, but they aren't Trejo and Combs-- okay, Harring might be, though not in the capacity with which they had her here-- and without Trejo and Combs, we're left with a run of the mill zombie flick with a Latin twist. There were some kills, but not a lot, and some good zombie killing action, but again, not a lot. For me, this is one of those deals where you could do a lot worse at 3AM, but I wouldn't go out of my way to track it down.

Unfortunately the best part is Jeffrey Combs, who, again, has only a very small part in the beginning. He plays this cheapskate father in the 50s who's taking his family (wife, daughter, son) on vacation in Mexico because it's less expensive. They run out of gas because, again, he's trying to save money, and then they end up in the bad town. He was so fantastic as the 50s suburban dad, I could watch a TV show that was just him in that role, say, like a throwback to the golden age of television. With zombies too. Gotta have the zombies.



Danny Trejo was solid as the baddie. His parts take place much further in the past, in the 19th century, after his gang sacrifices the townsfolk by dynamiting them in the town hall. This movie would've been so much better had it been Trejo's character and Combs's character fighting zombies. Alas, it wasn't it, and it suffered for that. What I think we need is a Combs Trejo cop buddy picture, like maybe some DTV Lethal Weapon sequels. Throw in Gary Busey, and you've got yourself pure cinematic gold.

Some other people that you might be familiar with include David Keith-- not to be confused with Keith David-- who plays Combs's son all grown up in the town, and he's who welcomes our young couple when they get there 50 years later. Even he doesn't last though, which is too bad. You gotta imagine David Keith could sort out some zombies. I already mentioned Laura Harring. For the most part her character is a one-note, until she shows some personality near the end. I think she was supposed to be creepy and mysterious, which is fine, but the film was kind of flat and could've used more from her than her character was allowed. Imagine her, David Keith, Combs, and Trejo all fighting zombies? Now that sounds awesome. The other name was Marisa Ramirez, whom I remember from Jordan Knight's video "Give It to You", but she's also done some TV and soap opera work. She wasn't bad, it's just the film would've been better if she and Wester had been supporting characters as opposed to the leads, especially with the great supporting cast we had.



Speaking of Travis Wester from Eurotrip. I absolutely love that movie, so seeing him was a bright spot-- though I would've preferred Michelle Trachtenberg if you know what I mean. I remember right before that came out on DVD, I went to my buddy's place and noticed he had a bunch of Matt Damon movies in his collection, so I was giving him a hard time, calling him a Matt Damon completist. A few days later, I got a phone call on my cell while I was at work, and he was like "dude, you have to watch Eurotrip. You'll know what I'm talking about right near the beginning." And there he was, Matt Damon, singing "Scotty Doesn't Know". Matt Damon.

But enough Eurotrip, let's wrap up All Souls Day. Not enough Trejo, not enough Harring, and definitely not enough Combs. This is your classic 3AM paper procrastination if you find it on cable kind of deal, but I wouldn't spend any money or go out of your way. There's not enough to make it worth it.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0428212/

Succubus: Hell Bent (2007)

This was the first film I watched on Netflix's instant viewing system. I must say I was only slightly impressed. It might have something to do with my computer's settings, but whenever I tried to view the movie in Full Screen, it would pop up in the corner for a second, make a funny noise, then Internet Explorer would close. I gave up and just watched it in the viewer mode, which was kind of annoying, because I had the light from the toolbar at the top of the window affecting my ability to see the picture. I guess I could've called them to fix it, but I didn't want to sit on the phone.

Succubus: Hell Bent is about a womanizer who's stalked by this succubus named Lilith. She wants him to pay for his womanizing ways, and he does, but not as badly as his girlfriend and best buddy do. Lorenzo Lamas and Gary Busey have cameos.



Wow, was I robbed. Gary Busey listed as first billed, Lorenzo Lamas listed as third, and the two of them are in it for a total of ten minutes. Busey's best stuff actually came in the outtakes during the credits. I guess even an old DTV vet like me can fall for the old bait-and-switch. That's why you need someone here to screen these things for you, so you don't have to waste your time and money.

Otherwise the movie wasn't that good. Sure, we all want to see a womanizer get his comeuppance, but as brutally as that? And you had Busey and Lamas at your disposal. Why not have them battle the succubus at the end? There was an aerial dogfight scene that was so-so, and nothing else after that that was that exciting. I was left with one question: why was this movie even made?



There's the women's empowerment angle. For me it didn't work. Most of the women the womanizer slept with were manizers at best, and they seemed to have no misconceptions of what they were in for. The succubus herself was a very unsympathetic character. She pretty much forces the guy to tell her he loves her, then holds him to that as some kind of reason to torture him. Paris Hilton's My New BFF on MTV is a better example of women's empowerment: at least she's in command.

This movie has an element of John Fowles' The Magus, which was a book I didn't really care for. As in Succubus: Hell Bent, I didn't see the main character's behavior as despicable enough to warrant his treatment, either at the hands of Conchis or Lilith. Maybe as a white male it's hard to understand what these figures stand for, and on some levels I'll accept that. If Lilith made the male in this fall in love with her, then break his heart, I think I could get behind it better than killing people around him and stalking him.



I skipped writing the seventh paragraph because I didn't feel this film was worthy of it. Waste of time. Even though it didn't really cost me anything, I lost 90 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Also, I feel the filmmaker in hopping on her soapbox and lecturing us on the ills of womanizing men, was probably more dishonest than any of the serial daters she's encountered when she told us Gary Busey and Lorenzo Lamas were in the movie, and then gave them barely any screen time.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0775544/