Onlyfangs (2025)

This was another screener request from producer/publicist Joe Williamson, and considering how well a lot of the ones he's sent us have been, I was excited to check this one out too... until I saw the almost 2-hour runtime. I finally took the plunge though and made it happen, so let's see how it did.

Onlyfangs is about a group of vampire ladies who finally rise up against the evil vampire master who had kept them enslaved, and cut out on their own. While their leader Scarlett (Nina Lanee Kent), and two other veteran vampires in the group, Selena (Adriana Uchishiba) and Zooey (Meredith Mohler) head out to bars and other guys hangouts to feed, newly minted vampire Reese (Kansas Bowling) goes on dates and feeds that way. After she bites Wes (Drew Marvick), and he doesn't die, he comes up with the idea of Onlyfangs, a site where guys can pay to have hot vampire women bite them. He gets his sister Gwen (Jessa Jupiter Flux) to do the camera work, and they go to work, creating the newest internet sensation. But then trouble starts. First, Scarlett wants more power; and then a MAGA senator (Ellie Church) starts investigating them. Will everyone live happily ever after?

Overall I really enjoyed this, it brought me back to 90s Full Moon movies or Jim Wynorski horror spoofs. The only thing with those, of course, is they all ran under 90 minutes, some even under 80 minutes, while this is clocking in at close to two hours. Watching it I can see why though. The filmmakers, Angelica De Alba and Paul Ragsdale, got a lot of help from people they had worked with before to make this happen, and I imagine when you get that kind of support, especially from people you're friends with, it's hard to tell them after "hey, remember those hours you put in helping us? Well, unfortunately we had to cut your scene from the movie." Look at the biggest movie right now, Spider-Man: Brand New Day, Rosario Dawson was all excited to tell her family she was in it, and then her scene was cut. And so if I'm De Alba and Ragsdale, I'd rather keep the scene and make someone like me afraid to watch it for the runtime, than have to have that conversation with a friend. And to be fair, that's probably the only real issue I have with the film. The messaging the filmmakers wanted to get across is clear, everyone seems like they're having a great time, and other than that runtime, it's everything I want in a horror comedy. Joe sent us another winner!

The standout for me was Kansas Bowling's Reese. To some extent she's so good that it undermines the ensemble quality the film was going for, because we'd lose her for periods of the film while other characters were being developed, but she was so strong in her performance that it was hard to not want the thing centered on her. She's able to naturally have every scene she's in iris in on her, seemingly without trying, which is a rare quality, and one that can enhance a film on a lower budget and help it get more for its money. I thought this was our first time seeing her on the site, but that's not true, she was in Steven Seagal's last movie, Beyond the Law, I believe as a sex worker who was addicted to drugs. Looking at her IMDb, the upcoming or recent one that stands out is Dire Duplicity, the new one from Neil Breen. I've only just started on Neil Breen's filmography, so I'm new to his stuff, but the fact that she's in one of his films is intriguing to say the least, and one I have to see. Back to this film, I wouldn't say her performance makes the film, because there are so many great performances here, but her natural ability to standout and steal scenes is a key reason why this film works so well overall.

There were a few core messages in this film, but one that stood out to me is the fact that when we work for a big corporation, they're exploiting our labor, and giving us a fraction of what our labor produces in exchange. Inside that message is a further message that people who look down on sex workers, like someone who makes money on Onlyfans, should look at how they and their own labor are being exploited first. As someone who both has a day job and wishes I could be making money to support myself with my site, podcast, and books, I totally get it. I used to look at it as I was making this sacrifice to a corporate overlord to allow me to do the things I want, but there is no quid pro quo, the moment they no longer see your labor as having any value, you're out, and beyond any severance, there's no thought to you as a person and what losing your job might mean; and to be fair, if someone came to me and said "I'll pay you what your current salary is to make your podcast and site," once I signed that contract the next email would be my two weeks notice--though to be fair again, the company would still be able to pay its bills without me. All that to say, beyond the fact that I don't think we should judge sex workers, including ones who earn money on Onlyfans, I always respect people who have found a way to make money doing what they love to do, outside of the corporate wage slavery system, and I wish we all could do it.

As this is an indie screener, I wanted to use this paragraph to highlight some other names in the film. First, we had four others that we've seen on the site in other films. First, Drew Marvick, our leading guy, played a man dealing with housing insecurity in Tony Schiena's The Weapon, which was also on podcast episode 135 with Ty. He's been in a ton of low-budget horror films, and he was a lot of fun here, so I'll have to check out more of his stuff. Then we had Adriana Uchishiba and August Kyss, who were in another Joe Williamson screener, Flesh of the Unforgiven, which had Debbie Rochon. Both were great, but Kyss's part was much smaller, while Uchishiba was one of the core vampires that made the film work. And then there was Ginger Lynn as Marvick and Jupiter's mother. Way back on the fifth day of our site, May 7th, 2007, we did Mind, Body, and Soul that had her and Wings Hauser in it. Here it's a small part, but it's always fun to see her. For first timers on the site, there were three who really stood out to me. First, Nina Lanee Kent, really great as the group leader, almost like a Julie Strain to Kansas Bowling's Shannon Tweed, if you will. And then we had the fourth member of the group, Meredith Mohler, she has an iconic scene where her outfit is similar to a Hooters server, which might be the ultimate dreary corporate job, and then she proceeds to bite a guy's scrotum off. We seem to have a lot of prosthetic penis and testicle mutilation in these screeners, don't we? Finally, Jessa Jupiter Flux as Gwen. Her character goes through one of the biggest changes, and you almost could've had two separate movies, one that focused on Reese getting more in touch with being a vampire, and one that focused on Gwen quitting her job and finding a new life in vampirism. A lot of great performances in this from actors who have been in a ton of stuff I now have to find and watch!

Finally, beyond the fact that one of the stars has the last name Bowling, bowling also plays a part when Scarlett, Selena, and Zooey take out a bunch of pick-up artist bro types at a bowling alley. I recently saw a More Perfect Union video about how bowling has become enshittified. It feels shark jump-ery doesn't, but then you watch the video, and see the jerkoff CEO of Bowlero who's straight out of central casting, and how he's bought up tons of independent lanes and turned them into Lucky Strikes with their strings holding up the pins, exorbitant lane fees, and even more exorbitant Sysco bar food--not only that, he's bought the PBA! I want to rhetorically say "how did this happen?", but we already know the answer. It's been a downhill trend to enshittification since Reagan and neo-liberal economics, with its deregulation and monopolization, and now finally Corey Doctorow came in and gave us a word to describe it all. Fortunately here in Philly, while we do have an enshittified Lucky Strikes, we also have some independent lanes, so maybe I need to go and support them. The problem is, I'm from New England, and we do candlepin bowling up there, which you can't find down here as far as I know. Still, keep your enshittification off our bowling you Bowlero jerkoffs!

And with that, let's wrap this up. This is currently on Pluto and Fawesome here in the States. It is a little long for a horror comedy, but it's also a really fun time, and a great way to support indie films. De Alba, Ragsdale, and the cast and everyone else involved nail the old Full Moon/Jim Wynorski feel of this, which you can't go wrong with.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt23950972/

And check out my newest novel, Mark in Sales, on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.

Beyond the Law (2019)

This one appeared on my radar when it was first released on VOD, and I was just biding my time until it was included in one of the subscription packages I already have. First it became available on Hoopla, which is where I think I watched it for this, but it is also available on Showtime On Demand, which we also subscribe to through our cable package--either way, not a bad deal. In addition to us, Todd Gaines at Bulletproof Action reviewed this, so you can go there to see what he thought. Now, without any further ado.

Beyond the Law is not the early 90s Charlie Sheen action-thriller, but rather a 2019 suspense yarn with some action in it featuring Johnny Messner as a former crooked cop whose son is murdered and he wants answer. The murderer is played by Zack ward, aka Scut Farkus, who is crime boss Steven Seagal's son. With Messner and Seagal on a collision course to wackiness, we also have DMX as the detective on the take trying to stand in Messner's way. The real problem though is, Seagal, as the baddie, always has it in his contract that he can't be beaten in fight, so how does Messner vanquish a baddie he can't beat?

  

I don't know what to make of this movie. The cover told me all I needed to know, right? The actor with the most screentime is always the one furthest to the back on the tin, so I knew going in this was a Messner movie instead of a Seagal or DMX movie. That then leaves us with the issue that we only have Seagal and DMX in this to splash on the cover and make the movie worth more to the studios--I mean, would I be reviewing this right now if Messner was front and center on the cover with Zack Ward? Maybe not; or maybe I am because maybe the people who made it are getting the word out to people like me so we can sell it for them. I would love to sell a Messner vehicle to people as a Messner vehicle, as opposed to killing it for another lackluster Seagal performance.

That I think is what makes this the worst, this cynical aspect where Seagal needs to be unbeatable, so the film had to come up with a way for him to lose without him losing. Is it worth it that much to get his face on the cover so people like me will review it and say "save your money"? That's what the DTV world has come to though; and while maybe we could say it's always been that, that the only difference now is instead of me seeing Seagal on the cover on the video store racks, I'm seeing Seagal on the cover in a thumbnail on my VOD rental selections, but there's something about this that feels more crass. The reality is we didn't even need Seagal in this, Zack Ward was plenty bad enough as the baddie, Seagal's inclusion just weighed it down; but from the cynical VOD standpoint, it doesn't matter, because Zack Ward standing where Messner is, and Messner standing where Seagal is, and Seagal nowhere in the film, means fewer VOD rentals, so it's better to make the overall film suffer, because the film itself is no longer important once we've already plunked our money down to rent it.

 

All that being said, I want to get into Messner in this. Why is it that every cover he's on has him with this look on his face like he's a teenager whose mom just told him he can't go anywhere until he's cleaned his room? And why do all the roles he's in feature him as this personality-less protagonist, when his IMDb photo has him with a monkey on his shoulder? Why can't he have a film that showcases both his action chops and his personality? Why can't he have a wisecracking buddy cop movie? Pair him with Michael Jai White or Byron Mann, and give us 88 minutes of fight scenes, shoot-outs, and great one-liners. This is another movie where we feel like we're just scratching the surface of Messner, and I think part of the reason for that is the studios are afraid to make the movie I described, and instead need to pair him with people like Seagal and Dolph. The studios need to trust us as a movie audience more. If you make the Messner movie, we will watch it.

DMX, like Seagal, isn't so much as wasted in this, as we're wondering why he's here. Other than a scene where he's at a bar asking for a full bottle of Hennessy, and the bartender doesn't get what he means, and he keeps saying "just give me the bottle," there's nothing particularly DMX about his role. He's really just there to be on the cover to get us to rent it in the hopes that it will be Exit Wounds 2. On the other hand, Zack Ward really delivers as the baddie, kind of the way Tim Abell carries Sniper Special Ops despite Seagal being on the cover, Ward carries Beyond the Law from the other side. Again, it's more of that cynical side where Messner and Ward were all we needed, but the studios don't like a move with just them on the cover, so enter DMX and Seagal, which gets me to review it and other people to watch it. On the other hand, this only has 14 external reviews on IMDb, meaning maybe Seagal is hitting his saturation point with these, and even the lure of a potential Exit Wounds 2 wasn't enough.

 

Finally, this film was directed by James Cullen Bressack, who is know more for his horror films. For me, I remember when he was first starting out, I was on a mailing list he had to get the word out on his early movies. The problem for me was, his films were too extreme for my tastes personally, and I didn't think it was worth it for both me to put myself through them if they made me that personally uncomfortable, and worth it for him to have me review a movie that wasn't made for me. Just the same, I wanted him to be successful, so to see him here directing this movie was really exciting for me as someone who hoped he'd do well. For that reason, I decided to include this shot above instead of a screen of DMX. To me it felt like the shot of a director trying to make the best of a film he was given that was beset with many limitations. It's too easy in the cynical DTV world to focus on the bad and turn up the snark, and miss some of the good that comes out of movies like these, like Messner and Ward's performances, or Bressack as a young director trying to put his stamp on a film that isn't his own.

And on that good note, it's time to wrap this up. I think as part of a streaming services you already have, or on Hoopla for free, this is worth checking out. Beyond that, it feels like we're playing into the forces that turned this movie into what it was, that every rental makes the studio think they're right by having a less-invested Seagal with his script demands or a DMX whose part could have been played by anyone in this just so they could be slapped on the cover; but by the same token, by skipping it altogether, you miss out on Messner, Ward, Bressack, and others who did their best to make this beyond just an enticing cover for a VOD rental.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt11161374