Strippers vs Werewolves (2012)

I've seen this one on Instant for some time, and it looks like it could be a lot of fun.  Plus it lists Robert Englund in the cast, which is another selling point.  On the other hand, I had similar expectations for Zombie Strippers!, and was somewhat disappointed with that one, so who knows.  That one also had Englund.  Am I sensing a theme here?

Strippers vs Werewolves is about a London strip joint where Justice, giving Martin Kemp of Spandau Ballet a private dance, turns him on so much he turns into a werewolf and she stabs him in the eye with a silver fountain pen, killing him.  That's not a good thing, when his werewolf friends want revenge, and it'll only be a matter of time before they trace his death back to the club.  That leaves club owner, Sarah Douglas, with a choice (and no it's not to jump in a flying parallelogram and escape into space): fight or run.  She chooses to fight, resulting in the ultimate showdown between strippers and werewolves.



You ever heard that joke "how many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?  Let's ride a bike!"  That's how I felt watching this movie.  My God, it was all over the place, it never knew what it wanted to do.  Not to mention, it did this comic book editing/cinematographic device where the screen would be split into panels and make things even worse.  I don't remember that device working in Ang Lee's Hulk either.  The worst was how it would look like it wanted to develop something, and then just totally abandon it.  Whether it was Martin Compston's character torn between protecting Justice, his fiancee, or siding with his fellow werewolves, which runs through the film only to have him decide on his werewolves in a way that made it seem like he was never torn; or the strippers vs. zombie scorecard during the end battle, which is inexplicably abandoned after two minutes, and really never even kept score considering the strippers who were killed weren't actually killed.  I understand, a movie called Strippers vs Werewolves should be all over the place, but considering most of the jokes were of the "waka waka waka" notsomuch variety, and the gore mixed with the bad jokes felt off in terms of dark humor, the inconsistent story had me thinking "what am I doing here?"

Why is a movie like Strippers vs Werewolves so hard to make right then?  It sounds like it should make itself?  When I tell people about the Direct to Video Connoisseur, it's movies like this they think of, and movies like this they assume I'd love, and I assume it too.  I think it's that problem though, it feels like it should make itself, and then the film makers start going off the rails, whether it's a story that doesn't know where it wants to be, jokes that are just "hey-oh! Irony! waka waka waka!", or this Michael Bay split second take combined with comic book frames all over the screen style of editing.  Simpler is often better.  Maybe because I grew up on the coast of Maine, where simplicity is desired, where a lobster is simply boiled alive, cracked open, dipped in butter, and that's it, I have trouble with too much being done to jazz up something that should be so good on its own.  This story of Martin Compston and Adele Silva's Justice should be enough to carry the day if he throws in his lot with her to protect her, and in the late 80s early 90s, it would have been, and all of this craziness would've been dialed down.



Don't get me wrong, there were some great touches in this that worked really well.  The opening credits had "Hungry Like the Wolf" playing, which was really cool.  At the end, when the strippers confront the werewolves at the end, they dress as Little Red Riding Hood, which I liked and was really hot.  I liked the idea of the strippers fortifying their club for the showdown with the werewolves, but like a lot of the film, it felt like the build up was better than the payoff.  And the actors, which I will get into more in the next paragraph, all turned in great performances and seemed to be on board with what the film was all about, even if the film didn't seem to know.

All right, so let's start with Martin Compston, who we've seen before in The Disappearance of Alice Creed.  If you look at his imdb photo, he seems so happy to see you, doesn't he?  Man, he was perfect for the guy who doesn't feel comfortable being a werewolf, and wants to protect his girlfriend, but doesn't know if he wants to cross Billy Murry, the werewolf leader.  It's too bad we never got there with that.  Billy Murray we've also seen before in One in the Chamber, and he was perfect as the baddie.  Sarah Douglas was equally great as the strip club owner, but her death was pretty weird and muddled, something I was disappointed in.  Even worse was Alan Ford, Brick Top in Snatch, who was fantastic, and is rubbed out by the werewolves without a fight.  What a waste considering they somewhat developed his character.  Finally, of all the strippers, I really liked Barbara Nedeljakova's (the two Hostel movies) character, though I think if they'd gotten rid of her awkward vampire hunter boyfriend character and made her the expert on the occult, it would've been so much better; and Adele Silva as Justice was good too, but would've been better had her character along with Compston's not been at odds with each other.  Oh, and I almost forgot Martin Kemp and Robert Englund.  That's because they're barely in the film.



I'm writing this review as my Celtics start their first season since 1998 without my favorite player, Paul Pierce, and of all the places to see someone in a Celtics Pierce jersey, it's here in a campy horror film shot in England.  Yes, I'm also watching my Red Sox play in Game 6 of the World Series tonight too, and hopefully they'll win it, but still, I'm in for a long year with my C's, and seeing that jersey didn't help.  On the other hand, I guess it's cool that those jerseys are sold there.

Okay, enough of that, let's wrap this up.  It didn't work for me.  You might dig it though.  Too all over the place, too many things started but not finished, too hard to concentrate on anything.  As of this posting, you can get it on Instant.  Maybe check it out, at least you don't have to finish it if you don't like it like I did to write this review.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1702009/

976-EVIL (1988)

Though this movie had a theatrical run, and did pretty well for itself in 1988, grossing just shy of $3 million at the box office, it's always felt like it belonged on this site. It's a video store flick if I've ever seen one. On the other hand, while it's a video store mainstay, I don't remember either me or my friends really liking it, which is why I kept off it for a bit, and why it wasn't reserved for a milestone post. Regardless, we're here now, giving it the DTVC treatment. Also, our buddy The Film Connoisseur has looked at this one too.

976-EVIL takes place in the small town of Garden City, where a guy named Spike is living in an apartment next door to his crazy bible thumping aunt and his messed up cousin Hoax. Hoax idolizes Spike and wants to get away from his crazy mother, not to mention his school where he's brutally picked on by a gang of guys that just happen to hang out with Spike. Anyway, after Spike brings a girl home, Hoax sneaks into his room and takes the girl's underwear and the number to a 976 line that gives people their "horrorscope". From there things go crazy-- and Evil! What could this mysterious force coming through the phone be, and what will happen when it imbues Hoax with the power to stand up for himself?



Watching this now, I see why I wasn't a big fan of it growing up. It's not only slow moving, but it spirals out of control as it moves to the end. We go from some creepy phone calls to demons and flaming bottomless pits. It felt like a Tales from the Crypt episode that was an hour too long. We have characters like the principal, who's supposed to be a major part of Hoax's life, but she's barely in the film, then shows up at the end and we're supposed to take for granted that she'd have some kind of connection with him. It's something that wouldn't be a big deal if it were only a 23-minute TV episode. Also, the 976-EVIL line isn't really explained. It kills people through phone lines early on, but at the end it turns Hoax into a demon and he turns his house into a freezer. Again, these things on their own work in a short TV show, but in a 90-minute movie, they should all fit, and they don't.

I will say though, a few of the scenes built up some nice tension, and if it had ironed out some of the inconsistencies in the plot and tone, it could've been something really good. Take for instance the scene where Hoax kills Spike's girl by casting a spell that causes tarantulas to spawn out of her TV dinner. The actual execution was fantastic, with the tension slowly ratcheting up, until we hit the boiling point; but the motives for Hoax to do it were so flawed. If you don't know, what happens is Hoax goes out for pizza with Spike's girl while Spike plays poker, but before this, Hoax has already snooped in Spike's room and stolen her underwear that she left behind. Long story short, they hit it off, looks like things are happening, only to have the bullies show up, push him around, and find her panties in his pocket, which causes her to leave disgusted at him. Why then would he be upset with her, especially to the point that he'd cast a spell through the phone with 976-EVIL? It was this kind of unevenness that ultimately killed this one for me.



Stephen Geoffreys plays Hoax, and the word on the street is he turned down the chance to reprise his Evil Ed role in Fright Night 2 to do it. Maybe it was a chance to work with Robert Englund (did I forget to mention he directed this? He did a pretty good job too). Perhaps even more puzzling, was the fact that about five or six years after this, Geoffreys decided to forgo his film acting career to pursue a career in gay porn. Hey, you only live once, gotta do what you love I guess.

I read a blog post a few years back-- I can't remember where-- that had this movie on a list of films that the blogger felt are best experienced on VHS. I can kind of see that in the case of something like 976-EVIL. I mean, I always prefer a movie in widescreen, and older VHS seldom has that, but beyond that, how much better quality is a $5 DVD with no extras going to be over the VHS? On the other hand, DVD availability gives people greater access, especially through something like Netflix, so there are pluses on both sides. The VHS definitely adds a nostalgia element that DVD can't compete with though.



I had to finish with Spike's girl, who was in the hottest outfit. Another aspect of the movie that made no sense, how Spike could ditch her when she looked that hot in order to play poker, especially after he'd just had sex with her and gave no indication that that sex was anything but great. We find out later that she was expelled from a Catholic school, and her outfit is derived from her Catholic school girl uniform. She tells this to Hoax, again, making it absurd that he'd hit it off with her like this, almost get in the sack with her, then blame her when the bullies come in and expose his underwear stealing. Hell no, he'd be thinking of ways to make it right, and channel all of his anger at the bullies. Perhaps the film's most egregious offense, eliminating her and her hot outfit so early on.

As far as I know, this is out of print on DVD, but you can get it on either that or VHS used. You can also see it on Crackle if you use them, though you have to pay for their premium service to get it. I wouldn't do that. If you're a VHS nostalgist, I'd just keep my eye out for a used VHS in a bargain bin somewhere and leave it at that. This one isn't really worth it otherwise.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094597/

Hatchet (2006)

A few months ago, over on my Tumblr blog, Matt, Movie Guy, I made a quick post about how The Social Network was on its way from Netflix, and was it any good. I got a reply telling me it was overrated, and that I should check out Hatchet II instead. I was like, dude, you're at the wrong blog, you need to hit me up at the DTVC, but I'll give it a look. I'd heard some about the first Hatchet, that it was supposed to be a throwback to the 80s horror I liked, that it boasted a pretty stellar cast of horror greats, and that the director, Adam Green, grew up somewhat nearby in Massachusetts. I figured it was finally time to check it out.

Hatchet takes place in New Orleans, where a boy named Victor Crowley, who's hideously disfigured from birth (think Toxic Avenger crossed with Chunk from Goonies). Anyway, he dies after some kids pull a prank on him on Halloween, and he haunts the local swamp. Enter a group of people on a tour run by an unscrupulous Asian, and they're on a collision course to wackiness!



Get out your slide whistle and your rim shots and your "waa waa waaaaaaah", because we're going on a comedic romp. The only thing they didn't do was queue up the Benny Hill music and have Hodder chase the kids around in fast-motion. Hey African American guy, remember when you had a fade back in high school? Ha! That joke was even funnier the three hundred times I've heard it in beer commercials and national cell phone ad campaigns. Hey, remember that Seinfeld episode when some dude made a snide remark to George, and he thought of the comeback later? Hey, let's combine that with the high school fade joke! But wait, it gets better, that's right kids, STD jokes! "But mom, we had STD jokes in the last 30 horror comedies!" "Hey, you kids don't know how lucky you are. There are people making bad horror comedies in Third World countries that wish they had that crabs bit we just did. You just remember that mister!" Don't get me wrong, for about 20-25 minutes at the end, this had some great gore-- my personal favorite was when Kenny from The Cosby Show was felled using the double arm amputation technique, a la Toxic Avenger IV-- and Kane Hodder was great as the villain, with fun cameos from Robert Englund and Tony Todd; but is it worth it if I've got to sit through 40-45 minutes of bad comedy to get to it? Seriously, the only bad joke cliché they didn't go to was the man-purse. Guess they needed to save something for part 2.

We've seen horror comedy done well before. Evil Dead 2 is the best example, but there's also Bad Taste, Dead Alive, Blood Diner, and Bloodsucking Pharaohs from Pittsburgh. The problem here though, is the comedy didn't match the gore, meaning we should've had more of the latter. Think about the great Friday the 13th flicks of the 80s. As the kids were making their way to the camp, people in the area were getting bumped off simultaneously. Break up that 40-45 minutes of nothing with a few good kills here or there, that way if the jokes fall flat, it's not the only thing to hang your hat on. The one gag I did like though was when one of the bimbo's phones went off, and the ringtone was Paula Cole's "I Don't Wanna Wait".



I had to go way back into the archives to find the last time we had a Cosby kid on here, and that was the girl (woman now) who played Rudy Huxtable. She was in Death Toll starring Lou Diamond Phillips, which you probably don't remember me reviewing, but it was pretty rough. Now we have her best friend, Kenny-- oddly enough, both were in films set in New Orleans. What I need to do now is seek out some Theo Huxtable flicks. As I mentioned above, Kenny's double arm amputation death was one of my favorites.

We had some top notch horror talent here, starting with a cameo from Robert Englund. There was another one with Tony Todd, which had a very predictable bad joke about his tour group and insurance issues, but he did his best with it. Then you had Kane Hodder in duel roles as the deformed killer, and his dad. I didn't know this, but Hodder has had small parts in numerous flicks that we're reviewed here in the past-- usually it was something like "Thug #3", but that's still pretty cool. I imagine stunt-wise he's probably been in a lot more. The stars here were Joel (David) Moore, who has been in such classics as Dodgeball and Grandma's Boy; and Tamara Feldman (no relation to Corey as far as I know), who, at the time did a lot of commercials, but now, according to imdb, has a reoccurring role on Gossip Girl. Throw in Kenny from Cosby, and veteran character actor Richard Riehle, and the talent was there to make something really special. Unfortunately the jokes couldn't get them to the church on time.



Check out the shirt Moore is wearing. It's for Newbury Comics, a place that I spent a lot of money at in high school. It's a record store chain in and around Boston, and between the one on Newbury St. and the one in the Garage Mall on Mt. Auburn, I blew I don't know how many paychecks on rare import discs and cool band T-shirts. Bands that are now barely memories, like Oasis, The Prodigy, and Blur; Sponge, The Chemical Brothers, Orbital, and Underworld-- I could go on. Speaking of music, that was another area this film could've killed it on if they wanted to go 80s throwback, but didn't quite do it. Marilyn Manson? Try Dokken baby! Though they did have some good Friday the 13th music for a scene near the lake that mimicked the one in (was it?) Part VII where Jason pops out of the water. That was cool.

Man, this is a tough call, because between the cool cameos and the great gore, this has its moments; but the chunk of time that's lost to bad comedy really hurts it. For most people, it's the gore that's hard to watch, but I guess for me it's hearing the same jokes I've heard over and over for the past ten years. Also, I watched the unrated director's cut, so if you're going to do this, make sure that's the one you get.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0422401/

(PS: Check out the image page for a clip of vintage horror comedy that I uploaded.)

Zombie Strippers! (2008)

This one's been a long time coming. I saw a trailer for it while watching a Dolph movie in the spring. Then I found out Sony thought they could make a little money giving it a limited release in small theaters in big cities. So I had to wait for it on DVD. Then I got it from Netflix, along with a Corey Feldman movie, and accidentally sent it back before I watched it, thinking it was the latter. Finally, I was able to take a look at it last Sunday.

Zombie Strippers! takes place in the near future, after George W. Bush wins his fourth term in office. Some research lab calls in an elite military unit to deal with a zombie outbreak, and one of the soldiers is bitten, and escapes to a nearby underground strip club. He bites Jenna Jameson, the best stripper, and she turns into a zombie too. For some reason, though, being a zombie stripper is hot, and the guys can't stop throwing ones at her. Robert Englund, the club's owner, knows gold when he sees it, and when Jameson starts eating the clientèle, he looks the other way. Now other strippers see the opportunity to make more money, and they have Jameson bite them. But, as we all know, whenever you involve zombies, things tend to get out of hand.



This one was a slight disappointment. It was chock full of political commentary that wasn't that funny. Maybe that's why Obama was elected so easily: we were all so sick of the same Bush and Cheney jokes. And I figured Zombie Strippers! of all things would be safe from politicization. In addition, it further hurt the film because, as I mentioned above, we're in a totally different political and economic climate. These are "Yes We Can" times, not "You're doing a great job, Brownie" times, and gas isn't $4.00 a gallon, it's $1.75. I guess that's the gamble in making a horror film that's really poor political satire in disguise: it might become dated.

On the other hand, this movie has another really great message about strippers. The whole becoming a zombie thing is a metaphor for women who get breast implants and other cosmetic enhancement surgeries in order to gain a competitive advantage in the marketplace. Obviously, becoming a zombie means you're dead and it's pretty permanent and bad, and the idea of doing that to be a better stripper is a crazy concept. What the filmmakers try to tell us is that being a stripper shouldn't be an occupation that one invests in, especially at the expense of one's body. Computer programmer taking night courses to make more money: makes sense. Strippers, on the other hand, should be taking their earnings and instead of using them to make themselves better strippers, should be using them to take the same night courses so they don't have to strip. I think that was a better message than the political ones, because at least this is one we haven't heard before.



Jenna Jameson. Looks kinda scary. Emaciated, pale, lots of cosmetic surgery herself. Yet, when she takes her clothes off and hits the stage, she still has it. She really knows how to move in ways that men like. I'm a guy, I can vouch for that. Her character reads Nietzsche, which is interesting, because I'm not as up on his stuff as I was in college, but wouldn't being a stripper be as anti-Nietzchian as it gets? Maybe a hooker would be more so. Robert Englund, as the strip club owner, would probably turn to Nietzsche to make himself feel better for the stuff he was doing, but a stripper getting down on it would just be delusional.

Speaking of Robert Englund. Not too bad a job here. Is he that hard up that he needs to take roles like this? I can't imagine they could afford to give him more than a warm meal. For someone thats' not that bad at playing the kinds of parts he gets, it's surprising he was in this. According to imdb, he's making money doing voice work as villains for comic book based cartoons-- I mean I'm assuming he's making money at it. He's not listed as a producer or anything, so it's not like he has anything at stake. Maybe he just loves strippers and hates the Bush Administration.



I want to use this last paragraph before my final verdict to discuss one of my favorite cultural phenomenons, the Goth Chick. I love them. Probably any my age have long since put away their red plaid skirts and dark eye make-up for a desk job somewhere, which is fine: we all have to grow up sometime. I bring this up because one of the strippers is a Goth Chick. I was disappointed when she turned into a zombie. I guess what makes the Goth Chick so intriguing is the possibility that deep down she might have a soft side, and that goes out the window when she becomes a member of the walking undead.

This is a toss-up. Just know going in that it's politically charged. After the past year, I'd had enough of that kind of thing, but you may dig it. It's plenty gory, plenty gross, and Jenna Jameson fights her rival zombie by sticking pool balls in her vagina and firing them at her. It had it's moments, but it just wasn't as off-the-chain as its name suggests.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0960890/

Perfect Target (1997)

It must be difficult on some levels being Daniel Bernhardt. He's billed as the poor man's Jean-Claude Van Damme, but with Van Damme's stock having fallen so much, Van Damme's essentially become the poor man's Van Damme, and Bernhardt's left out in the cold. He needs a career make-over, and I think I'm the guy to do it. Okay, maybe not, but it'd be cool.

Perfect Target has Mr. Bernhardt buttressed by two screen greats, Robert Englund and Brian Thompson, in a South American action thriller in a fictitious South American country. You'd think maybe a Nostromo rip-off, but these film makers definitely don't have the wherewithal to read Conrad. Instead Thompson and Englund are baddies (surprise surprise) and they set up Bernhardt and another dude (who you may have seen on TV if you watch CBS crime dramas) for the assassination of the country's president. It turns out the pres's wife was in cahoots with Thompson and Englund to get her in power, and Bernhardt has to flee with the other guy into the jungle, where it just so happens the other guy has a hot sister that's leading a rebellion. The rebels suck, so Bernhardt trains them into well-oiled killing machines, then he invades the presidential compound to reclaim what was rightfully his. I don't know what that was, though.



Wow. That's all I can say. It doesn't get much sillier than this movie. And Bernhardt leads the silly parade. He's the grand marshal. Perfect Target was one of Bernie's first films, and he still had some work to do to refine his craft. Not that he doesn't still have some work to do, it's just that then he really had some work to do, and his on-the-job education was plenty entertaining for us. This was no Bloodsport 4.

Brian Thompson is Brian Thompson. I was surprised it took as long as it did (like 15 minutes in) before he showed himself to be a bad guy. His imdb mini-bio lists him as being a versatile actor. Yes, he's versatile at being Brian Thompson. He can be Brian Thompson as Shao Khan, or Brian Thompson as the guest star on this week's JAG, but he's always Brian Thompson. I, for one, am cool with that. I've rocked with a bunch of really bad films in my time on this planet, this one included, and I can say it's a joy to know that whenever I see that classic Brian Thompson face, I know that's one element of the movie that I don't have to worry about being bad. Another note on the face: if it wasn't for Robert Z'Dar's existence, Brian Thompson would have the most ridiculous visage in Hollywood. As it stands, though, his face is just kinda funny, because Z'Dar's is ridiculous.



Robert Englund takes a turn here as someone other than a horror movie villain. For me, my favorite film he did was Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, and that's only because of that too sweet Dokken song on the soundtrack, "Dream Warriors". Is that not the best song ever? I loved it in the video when the lead guitarist broke out of chains in Freddy's dungeon just in time for his guitar solo. Why don't they make videos like that anymore? The 80s were so cool.

As far as the rest of the film goes, there's not much there. The action sucks sorta kinda. At the very beginning Bernhardt throws down in a cockfighting ring, and that's all right. That leads the viewer to think this might not be boring and plodding, but it so is. What they should've done was just send Bernhardt around to various cockfighting venues and have him get into brawls with Thompson and Englund looking on in derision. I'd still go with Perfect Target as the title. I'd also use 'Dream Warriors' as the movie's theme song. Maybe it could even end at a cockfight that Dokken was performing at. God that would rule.



One classic bad action cliche that this bad boy upheld was the hot chick who looks hot even while roughing it in the jungle. Bernie's love interest did an excellent job of not only leading an armed insurgency, but also keeping her hair very bouncy and her complexion soft. Unlike many of these films where the hotness of the actress is just window dressing, here it has a utilitarian function. If she hadn't been as hot, Bernhardt wouldn't have stayed around to train her rebels. He wanted to flee to the next country and start over, but the prospect of sleeping with the rebel leader kept him on board. As opposed to the rest of the film, I actually bought that part. Of course it was based on the ludicrous premise that a Hollywood caliber make-up artist lived in the jungle with her and had the resources there to make her look like she hadn't been sleeping outside in a tropical rain forest for however many years. Six of one, half a dozen of another I guess.

This is a cute film, and if you and your buddies really want a bad one to trash on movie night, you may want to toss it in if your video store is offering a rent one get one free deal. It's got plenty of material to work with. Overall I'd say this is meant strictly for pain junkies like myself who like their movies really bad, and don't care who knows it-- and it was even pretty bad for me.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119883/