Raw Justice aka Good Cop, Bad Cop (1994)

Wasn't there a Klingon proverb that said "justice is a dish best served raw"? Either way, this had been on my radar for a long time, and when Tubi finally picked it up, I didn't have anymore excuses, so we're making it happen now. In addition to us, the guys at Bulletproof and the guys at Comeuppance have covered this as well.

Raw Justice has David Keith (not to be confused with Keith David) as a former cop who's now a bounty hunter. When he's not wearing the clothes of a lady of the night--and magically making said clothes fit him--in order to fool a mark, he's drinking and ruing his lost love. When said lost love is murdered, Airplane's Robert Hays is implicated, so lost love's father, mayor Charles Napier, calls in Keith to keep an eye on Hays, because Keith can work outside the law. At the same time, he's being harassed by former fellow cop Leo Rossi, who's working for lieutenant mayor Stacy Keach to cover up the murder; and then lady of the night Pamela Anderson comes calling for her clothes Keith took, and gets wrapped up in Keith and Hays's troubles. Just put your goggles on for the last 15 minutes, because you'll need some eye protection when all these loose ends start flying together.

What do we make of a movie like this? It's pretty paint-by-numbers, except it isn't. First off there's the music, which is a cross between the start of the Chili's "Baby Back Ribs" song and what you'd hear in a Roseanne episode supporting a scene change establishing shot. Oh, they're at the Lobo Bar? Now they're back at the Connor's house? Maybe Darlene's apartment in Chicago? Ooh, is David hiding in the bathroom? On the other hand, this had some nice action sequences in it, not PM, but nice enough; and the names are prodigious, with Keith as the disgraced cop on the edge, Robert Hays in a Guttenbergian turn as the awe-shucks guy--yet he also knows kung fu?--, Pamela Anderson pre-Barb Wire but mid-Baywatch slumming it in a David Prior-directed flick, and then Napes, Keach, and Rossi being as Napes, Keach, and Rossi as you want. And before I forget, the great Ted Prior in a small role as another cop helping Rossi, sans mullet but fully-shirted, almost like a Bizzaro Danton. And maybe, for all the things that worked and all the things that didn't, that's what we ultimately needed to get us over the goal line: more New York Seltzer-sponsored AIP action. Where's William Zipp when you need him?

This is our first Pamela Anderson film on the site, just shy of 1300 posts in. I'm not sure why I didn't do Barb Wire back when I was doing Wild Card posts on comic book films, but I must've missed it. With all of the talent in this, it was apparent that she was the one with the real it factor, that it was only a matter of time before she became a big star, though it was more star in the celebrity sense, because she never really had that one breakout acting role. This was maybe 5 years before one could be famous just for being famous, like Paris Hilton, or later Kim Kardashian, so Anderson at least had to try acting, but I think she was one of the first stars to create that famous just for being famous ecosystem, so without her we wouldn't have Kim Kardashian. According to the trivia, she said the love scenes in this were horrible for her, which I definitely saw in the David Keith love scene, where he's really rough with her; but the one with Hays seemed very tame. From a character standpoint, I get why Keith would've gone that route, but he also could've acted it out more than actually going for it. It felt very Jeff Conaway in a Traci Lords PM flick, and you could even see in the shots they used in the film how uncomfortable Anderson was with it, but how she tried to go with it--which again, fit their characters better in the movie, but that doesn't help Anderson out with what she went through at all.

Out of all the names, Napes is the one with the most tags on the site, this being his 13th. After that, David Winters has his 8th (he's a producer), Keach, Rossi, and both Priors have 6, and David Keith has 3. In the scene I took the screen of above, he's in Keith's apartment asking for his help to keep an eye on Hays while Hays is out on bail. From a story standpoint, it's a ludicrous construct, why would Napes do this, especially when we find out he doesn't suspect anyone else, he really thinks Hays did it, why bother getting Keith involved at all? But Napes sells it as only Napes can. "What is my motivation here? Why would I do this if I was this guy?" The paycheck is why, and Napes knows that, and he delivers. The Keach kind of makes no sense, it took a second to even realize it was him. I guess he had to play it this way for us to believe he was the lieutenant mayor to Napes, but I like a good mustachioed no-nonsense Keach if I'm getting Keach in my film. And then there's Rossi. He has this combination Cajun and an impression of the late Leslie Jordan accent that was equal parts hilarious and fascinating. Like I think if I could have one wish, it might be to eat at a Waffle House with Rossi while he's doing that voice the whole time. "You 'bout done with that Heinz 57 sauce? My potatoes are cryin' out for a lil' dab uh two." Who am I kidding, it'd be an honor to have a meal at a Waffle House with Leo Rossi, even if he wasn't doing his Cajun crossed with Leslie Jordan voice. A guy can dream, right?

As I said above, this is now six films for David Prior, but only 5 for directing, which puts him way down the directors tags list--he got a tag for his writer's credit on Dancin' It's On, that's why he has six. That's definitely on me, because I'm behind on my AIP flicks overall--of which this isn't one--but also Prior is one of the DTV greats, and deserves to have more films on here. For all the paint-by-numbers-ness of this, Prior does inject some nice action sequences, from a mall dirt bike chase, to some nice flying cars, to an exploding helicopter. I'm not going to say this is as good as Shakedown, but Prior does his best to get us closer to that. Looking at his IMDb bio, he has another 25 or so films that we could cover here on the site, so I just need to get after it. I'll do my darndest. Here's to you Mr. Prior, you were one of the greats.

Finally, who remembers Montgomery Ward? When our heroes are chasing each other on dirt bikes through the mall, we get a good shot of one here. Growing up, Wards was the anchor at the Newington Mall, which was run out of business by the bigger Fox Run Mall that was opened near it in the late 80s--and the Montgomery Ward along with it--only for the Newington Mall to be torn down and replaced by a massive strip mall with a Barnes and Noble, Kohl's, and Best Buy, which has since almost killed the Fox Run Mall. Anyway, back to Wards, did you know they still exist online? And you can go to the site and request a physical catalog be sent to you? Now I don't know if that catalog has He-Man figures for sale in it, and my parents live over 350 miles away, so I can't just circle the guys I want and dogear the pages so they can find them, but just the idea of a Monkey Wards catalog is fantastic! As an aside, did anyone else call it Monkey Wards? Was that a thing everywhere, or just my neighborhood in my small town in Maine? If you're wondering, I ordered the physical catalog. I had to. Maybe the next Prior film I review will have a chase in front of a Service Merchandise.

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can currently get this as Good Cop, Bad Cop on Tubi--despite that fact that neither character is a cop--which is as good a way to get it as any. With the names and the good bits of action here and there, it's a nice weekend morning time killer--if you find you have time to kill some weekend morning.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110948

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Original Gangsters (1996)

This is one I originally saw in the theater when it came out, but based on the box office numbers, and the fact that it was starring and put together by DTVC Hall of Famer Fred Williamson, and it featured another, Wings Hauser, plus it made under the threshold in box office gate, I figured we'd give it a look. In addition to us, Chris at Bulletproof, Ty and Brett at Comeuppance, and Cool Target have covered this.

Original Gangsters has Fred Williamson as John Bookman, who, when a gang shoots his father, comes to his hometown and rounds up his old crew to take the gang down. Who is said old crew? Everyone you can imagine, like Pam Grier, Richard Roundtree, and Ron O'Neal. He tries to get help from the mayor, Charles "Napes" Napier, but the guy working under him, Wings Hauser, gives them the run around. He tries to work with the police, but detectives Robert Forster and Frank Pesce are no help. Now it's time to take back their town from these gangsters, and they need to do it on their own. Those poor kids won't know what hit them when these Original Gangsters come for them.

This was a ton of fun, even coming back to it over 25 years later. First and foremost, the cast is fantastic, led by the great Fred Williamson. He calls in everyone he uses except for David Carradine and Bubba Smith--hell, we even get Frank Pesce! This cast then delivers in all the ways you'd want them to. If you heard that Larry Cohen was directing a Fred Williamson movie with all your greats from the 70s, this is the movie you'd want it to be. Not only was it a lot of fun, but also very powerful and sobering in its depiction of the crime and violence in parts of the US that have been abandoned by the rest of the world and left to the gangs to run. According to IMDb, Cohen said this was released the same week as Twister, which was your typical TNT New Classic that dominated the box office at the time, so that explains why this didn't do so well. That's a shame, because  this was every bit the new classic too. At least you can come back to it now and stream it.

27 movies now for Fred Williamson, but also because he directed some of the scenes in this, he gets a director credit, making that 11 for him, furthering his entry into the 20-10 Club--20+ acting credits and 10+ directing credits--a club that has only one member, him. We're also close to finally getting him into the 30 Club, an honor that is long overdue. What makes this film so great, is that it shows how beyond being an actor and director, Williamson is someone who puts films together. And had it not been for Twister, maybe this leads to other big projects for him; but unfortunately it was released the same weekend as Twister, which made this his last gasp at a big screen project. It's a shame he never did get bigger backing for any of his films, because it would've been cool to see what he could've done; on the other hand, he still gave us some classics despite that lack of backing, and I think this one can be placed among those.

In my recent Savage Beach post I talked about Dona Speir being among the greatest female action stars of all time. In this film we had Pam Grier, who I think is the greatest. She was fantastic here, in exactly the way she's always fantastic, as someone who's extremely strong, but not trying to be one of the guys strong, she's strong on her own terms. A year after this she was reunited with Robert Forster in Jackie Brown, where she does what I think is my favorite work of hers, and while Jackie Brown as a whole isn't my favorite Tarantino film, her work in it, especially the scenes with Forster, were my favorite scenes of his movies. One thing people wonder is why she isn't in the DTVC Hall of Fame, and the main reason has always been that she hasn't done that much DTV stuff. I think maybe with her there could be an exception just because of the impact she's had on DTV and low-budget film making--and really film making as a whole. I think after Williamson, out of all the other big names in this, Pam Grier is the one where I say "they couldn't have made this without her," and every scene she's in she reminds us why. This is now four films for her on the site, and the first since 2009's Wilder review. I don't know how many more times we'll see her, but every chance we get I'll try to grab it.

Usually we prioritize the film's Hall of Famers in our paragraphs, but we made an exception for the great Pam Grier, and I think if anyone would understand it would be Wings Hauser. We last saw him in 2021 with Wilding, and at that time I said we were creeping our way up to the 30 Club for him with 21 tags, so now 18 months later to only be at 22 means we're not really putting in much work toward that. In looking at his bio, we should be able to scrounge up another 8 films for him, it's just a matter of when we're able to do it. 90s Wings Hauser was prime Hauser, and he gives us that here in the short scenes he has. And acting opposite Napes makes it even better, Williamson just knew what he was doing with these guys, even if he only had them for a short time, and those guys take a film like this and make it that much better. How I lost Wings in the shuffle I don't know, but I'll do my best to get him back sooner next time.

Finally, in deciding whether or not a movie should be included on the site, for "DTV" one qualifier I use is if the film grossed under $10 million at the box office. I have made exceptions, like Rocky IV and the Expendables films, but what's interesting here is I'm making an exception for a film that I actually saw in the theater. My buddy that I saw it with and I were fans of Fred Williamson, Richard Roundtree, and Pam Grier's 70s Blaxploitation stuff, and the idea of this film felt perfect to us, the way The Expendables felt perfect to me and the people who enjoy this blog back in 2010. It wasn't until I was older that I understood how Hollywood in the 80s didn't give these great stars the big screen roles they should've gotten. I think the biggest legacy of that is when those click bait-y "movie" sites make their top female action stars lists, and leave off Pam Grier but have names like Angelina Jolie, Linda Hamilton, and Scarlett Johansson near the top. It's like an attempt to diminish this whole contribution to the world of cinema, which not only smacks as ignorant, but I also think is a travesty. Shaft, Mean Johnny Barrows, Boss [N-word], Foxy Brown, etc., to me at least, are extremely important in getting us to where we are today in the art of film making, but also played a key role in making me the kind of fan of film that I am. As much as this movie had a getting the bang back together feel, it also was a celebration of that legacy of these stars, and 25+ years later, the fact that I was able to experience it on the big screen I think is pretty cool.

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can currently stream this on Tubi, Prime, or Pluto. Streaming it free is a great way to go. Queue this up for a Saturday night movie. You won't be disappointed.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117260

And if you haven't yet, check out my new novel, Holtman Arms, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

Cop Target (1990)

Back in May of 2021 I had the guys from Comeuppance Reviews on to discuss our top 5 Ginty films, and this was one I watched for it. It was on YouTube at that time, and now it looks like even that's not a possibility. In terms of other reviews, none of our friends of the site have covered this, but it is on Will from Exploding Helicopter's Films with Exploding Helicopters list on Letterboxd--which if you haven't checked out, you should!

Cop Target features our man Ginty as a maverick Miami cop on the edge, maybe Crockett style, though instead of having an alligator for a pet, he has a cat which is fed through a robotic feeder while he's away on cop business. And he's away on business now, to the fictitious island of San Cristobal, where he's escorting the widow (Barbara Bingham) and daughter of a DEA agent so they can accept an award on his behalf. As always, things aren't what they seem, and the daughter's kidnapped and held for ransom, and as always, Ginty's not supposed to continue on the case, but as always, a maverick cop on the edge doesn't follow the rules. He's going to get to the bottom of this no matter what it takes.

This is the fun 80s/90s Italian-directed actioner you came for. It has its moments, like that cat feeder, or Ginty ordering olive oil from room service so he can clean his gun with it; and beyond the Ginty fun, we also have Charles "Napes" Napier as his boss, which is always great to see. By the same token, it's not overly remarkable, it's more like one of those for completists, whether you're a self-styled "DTV connoisseur" like myself, or on a quest to watch every film with an exploding helicopter like Will, or like our friends at Comeuppance or Explosive Action who just want all of these kinds of movies, it's kind of more for someone of that ilk than a casual "I'm looking for a Saturday night time killer." If it were suddenly more available on sites like Tubi or Amazon Prime, I think I'd change that stance, because it is a fun low-budget gem, and maybe this gets to a bigger point about how we need more Ginty available to us overall, but as it stands, I don't know if this is worth the trouble it'll take to track it down if you're not an extreme completist.

We're now at six Ginty flicks on the site, which is still way off the pace of what we'd want, and considering I still have some that I watched for that pod episode in May of 2021, I have a lot of catching up to do--and honestly, I don't know how good I've been at doing it, because this is only the third Ginty film I've reviewed this year, and I think I have at least 4 left of the ones I watched back in May of 2021 for that podcast that I haven't reviewed yet! The thing is, this is everything you want in a low-budget Italian Ginty flick: he's equal parts charming and gruff, does a great job playing the Crockett like character director Umberto Lenzi wanted but giving it his own spin, and is just an all-around fun lead. It's a shame this isn't more readily available, because I think if someone were getting into Ginty, this would be a good one after the first two Exterminators and White Fire for someone's next film of his.

We last saw Napes earlier this year in Frogtown II, which was fun to see him in, but this was definitely more the Napes we look for: angry, behind a desk, telling Ginty he needs to cool it; then wearing tuxes to balls, eating at fancy restaurants, and putting his sport coat and a satchel of drug money in the trunk of his car. Look at that screen we got of him, complete with the Bush 41 picture on the wall, letting us know he's a government worker. It's pure Napes, he came to this movie to get shit done, and that's why we love him in stuff like this. He's one that I feel like should've been on the site more than the now 11 times he has, but when I look at his bio, he isn't in as many movies with the big names that we often spotlight on here as you'd think. For actors, our top five are Dolph, Daniels, Rothrock, Wilson, and Seagal, and he hasn't done a lot with any of them. I think as we start filling out some other filmographies though, like Ginty's, Williamson's, and even say a Z'Dar's, we'll probably start seeing more Napes as well. And who doesn't love seeing more Napes?

I thought maybe we'd done some other Umberto Lenzi films here on the site (or Humphrey Humbert as he's credited as here in the States), but this is the first, and when I looked at his filmography, I realized that he hasn't done much in the video age--and what he has done is mostly horror, which we don't do as much of here at the DTVC, so that probably explains why this is only his first. It's kind of too bad, because he goes into his giallo roots for a lot of the action and mystery here to give us something more fun than simply a Miami Vice Narco-thriller rip-off. That's something I've talked about on previous posts about films directed by Italian auteurs, they bring a unique element to the proceedings that we often don't get in modern DTV with the way line producers and distributors have so much say in how the film is made in order to get the most bang for the buck; but also, these Italian directors come from a school of filmmaking that means even if we gave modern DTV directors the same leeway we probably wouldn't get results like this. It's a piece of the late 80s/early 90s DTV puzzle that will always keep that era at the top for me, and hopefully more movies like this will be available to us more easily, so more people can enjoy something like this. Severin Films has been releasing DVDs of giallo directors like Lenzi, so maybe it's just a matter of time before they release Cop Target too.

Finally, I want to go back to the Miami Vice influence on this film. While the show would've been done for a year or two before this was made, so much of what people think of the 80s came from the colors, styles, and mood of that show. I had Jon Cross from the After Movie Diner and Miscellaneous Plumbing Fixtures on a recent podcast episode (Rage and Honor 1 and 2 in the archives), and we talked about that, how the 80s were actually drab, with a lot of browns, and not all those showy neon and pastel colors. What I think Lenzi does here is splits the difference, giving us some of the Miami Vice esthetic, but also working in the darker giallo tones that he was more comfortable in, which gives this movie an interesting feel. It's like what I was saying above about the Italian directors overall, they almost do "covers" of movies as opposed to rip-offs, whether it's this, Stelvio Massi with Black Cobra, or Bruno Mattei with Cruel Jaws or Robowar. This is a tradition that goes back further than that though, like with all the Star Wars rip-offs--or "covers"--from the 70s that we see on Tubi now. What also made the "cover" work so well here in Cop Target though was Ginty, because he's no Don Johnson or Crockett, he's 100% Pure Ginty, the same way that Williamson was 100% Pure Williamson in Black Cobra.

And with that, let's wrap this up. As far as I can see, at least in the US, this isn't available right now, but maybe a brave soul will re-upload it on YouTube. I would say this isn't worth going too far out of your way for, but if you stumble upon it, it's a lot of fun.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099302

And if you haven't yet, check out my new novel, Holtman Arms, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

Frogtown II (1992)

Back in April (my birthday, April 1st to be exact), I was on the Comeuppance Reviews podcast to talk about our top five Robert Z'Dar movies. I felt like I needed to see this to have as complete a list as possible, so I found it on Daily Motion--only it was reversed! That's right, the video image was reversed, so I had to find a plug-in for my browser that put it back the way it was supposed to be. Until we get a nice Blu-ray version of this, I guess this is the kind of thing we need to do to watch it.

Frogtown II has Z'Dar taking over for Rowdy Roddy Piper in the lead role. In this sequel, a mutant frog leader has taken a scientist (Brion James) hostage, and is forcing him to make a serum that turns humans into frog people too. When fellow Ranger Lou Ferrigno is captured behind enemy lines, they start using the serum on him. Now their captain, Charles Napier (Napes), has no choice but to send their best, Sam Hell, in to save the day. With him he's taking scientist Dr. Spangle (Denice Duff). But when they get into Frogtown, things go sideways, and now it's going to take Hell everything he's got to get out alive.

This one was fun enough for what we had here. It was a fun cast, a fun concept, fun execution. I don't know that it touches the classic status of the original, this was more the 3am block on Up All Night level as opposed to the 11pm block, but if you were up that late on a Saturday this would've been a good watch. Speaking of Up All Night, we had Rhonda Shear playing Fuzzy, their communicator. Z'Dar was great as Sam Hell, playing the hero with equal parts serious guy who saves the day and tongue-in-cheek in on the joke comedic lead, and it felt like the rest of the cast fell in and played it all the same way. It is very low budget though, and, again, isn't quite what the first one is, but for the film it was, it worked for me.

Z'Dar finally hits double digits here at the DTVC, with this being his tenth film. Out of those 10, I think this is the first one where he plays a good guy, and may be the only one of his films I've ever seen where he plays a good guy. I think his size and face got him more typecast as a baddie, but seeing how well he did here, that's too bad. He has 122 credits in IMDb, of which a brief scan says maybe 75% would qualify to be here on the site, so he could potentially get up there into some of the more prestigious clubs. On the other hand, a lot of his films are in the lower tiers, which means we may not get to them as much. I'd say Hall of Fame this year might be a great place to start for him.

We last saw the great Brion James when we did the PM flick The Underground back in March of 2021. Here you can see he's playing the part of Carrot Top playing the scientist. It's a shame Brion is longer with us, because he'd have been great as Carrot Top in a Carrot Top biopic. The other DTVC mainstay we had in this was Napes, Charles Napier. Talk about your professional actor, he's the same here as he is in a big Hollywood film--the year after this came out Philadelphia, an Oscar winner, was released, and I think he was just as good in both. Guys like these add just enough to a film to make it work on a slightly higher level, and while it's too bad they're no longer with us, they gave us plenty of great moments. Here's to you guys, you're two of the great ones.

This was directed by schlock auteur Donald G. Jackson, who also did the first film, which is the only other film of his we've reviewed on here. Going back to the Up All Night connection, he also directed a film called Twisted Fate aka Kill Kill Overkill, which came out the year after this, that I remember seeing on the 3am block on Up All Night. The problem is, a lot of his movies are like this one: really tough to track down, and when you do find them, it involves things like plug-ins that reverse the image. It's too bad, because a lot of these look like a lot of fun and would be worth checking out for the site. Maybe a company will put the best ones out on Blu-ray?...

Finally, to finish the Up All Night tenor of this review, seeing Rhonda Shear was a welcomed piece of nostalgia. Early 90s sleepovers on Fridays and Saturdays usually involved Saturday Night Live, Headbangers Ball, and USA's Up All Night, especially if we didn't get a chance to go to the video store to rent a movie. I decided to look at what MTV and USA were airing the weekend I'm writing this. On Friday USA has a Fast and Furious marathon until 1:30a, when they move to a reality show about a NASCAR driver, a reality show about a wrestling star, a reality show about someone who's famous for reasons I don't even know, and then Dateline reruns; and on Saturday it's pretty much the same thing, only the Dateline reruns are replaced with reruns of Chicago PD. MTV you can probably already guess: all Ridiculousness reruns both nights. As far as SNL, it's an old trope that the older guy complains that the era he watched was the best cast, but you're talking about Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks, Dana Carvey, etc., with Sandler, Rock, Spade, and Farley all coming up. We really had it good back then, and while it's a shame that era is gone, at least we had it once.

And with that, let's wrap this up. You may still be able to catch this with the video in reverse on Daily Motion. Hopefully it'll get a proper release soon. And you can find the podcast episode I did with the guys from Comeuppance in their archives under the title "A Z'Dar is Born."

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106970

And if you haven't yet, check out my new novel, A Girl and a Gun, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

Down 'n Dirty (2000)

In my continuing efforts to get more Fred Williamson on the site, I across this one on Tubi and figured I'd give it a go. It has an extremely prodigious cast, which always helps, including 3 Hall of Famers, with Busey and Carradine joining the Hammer. In addition to us, our friends at Comeuppance have reviewed this, so you can see what they said (in fact, as I write this, they are one of only two critic reviews on IMDb). So, without any further ado.

Down 'n Dirty has Williamson reprising his role as Dakota "Dak" Smith, LAPD detective who knows how to get the job done and get the girl. When his partner is killed on a bust, something about it doesn't smell right. His boss, Charles Napier, thinks he needs to let it go, so he does, the credits roll, and we all live happily ever after--or Dak doesn't listen and he keeps digging, and when he digs, he ruffles feathers. But the heat he gets isn't anything he can't handle. When the corruption goes all the way to the top, it just means they have that much further to fall when Dak takes them down.

 

There are a lot of ways to go with this one, but for me, I'm looking at it as a Fred Williamson fan. On that score, this really delivers the goods. Williamson is in most scenes, and he delivers almost every time he's onscreen. When I see Williamson on the cover, that's all I need. From there, we do have a lot of smaller parts by bigger names: I think Busey and Carradine don't show until after the hour mark, Andrew Divoff comes in a bit after that, and Sam Jones only has one scene. Beverly Johnson, Bubba Smith, and Charles Napier have a little more time than that, but not much. Again, I'm okay with all of that if the Williamson delivers, and it does here. On the other hand, if Williamson alone doesn't make a movie for you, there's a lot in this to take issue with. It's pretty standard fare, not a huge amount of action, and the plot doesn't have a lot of suspense or intrigue in it. With that in mind, this is probably for Williamson fans only, and maybe a bit further down the list after you've seen some others first--but it does deliver for Williamson fans, that's for sure.

Our plan to get more Williamson on the site was derailed a bit by me having trouble getting posts by anyone on, and now I'm down to only 1 a week. Maybe a plan to do one Williamson every other month while I'm at this lower output is the way to go, but at the very least, I need to keep making him a priority. This is one of his own productions and he directs it, so a lot of times I'm not as tough on those because I appreciate what he's trying to do overall when he makes his own films. On top of that, his screen presence is so fantastic, I always love watching him get after it. We're now at 19 Williamson films on the site, and when I look at his IMDb bio, I'm seeing anywhere from 30-40 more that we could do, so we have a long way to go to exhaust his filmography. With me close to finishing up guys like Dolph and Seagal, there will be more room to get more Williamson on here, which I think we'll all be a lot better for.

 

Movies like this with a big cast are often gold for the DTVC, because one post can get a bunch of tags for people. It can be fool's gold though, because if the film doesn't deliver on those names, I'm left with a bad post on a film no one cares about. I think for a lot of years that's what plagued guys like Busey, Carradine, and Williamson, is they often did these kinds of movies where they had small cameos and got to have their names splashed across the cover, and I got to say I did a Busey film or a Carradine film. This was one of the rare occasions where the gamble paid off, because at least there was plenty of Williamson in the film, so the smaller Busey and Carradine roles were mitigated by that. I'll talk a bit more about the Busey, but the Carradine is a total sit-down role with him in (I think) two scenes in a limo barking out orders as the main baddie. Nice work if you can get it, right?

Now for the film's Abusive rating. This is a unique one, because we're rating based on quality over quantity--which is odd, because often the quality of the Busey is determined by the quantity. Anyway, I'm giving this a 5 on the Abusive Scale, because there isn't a lot of Busey, but what we got was a lot of fun. Look at that picture below: a woman at his place is about to go down on him, but while she's undoing his robe, he makes that face. What was that? Did she suddenly reveal she has spiked, metal teeth? Did Busey just remember he left the iron on? Did he realize forgot to tape Reba? Whatever the reason, it was pure Abusiveness, and that alone almost earned the entire 5 I gave this. Gary Busey is perhaps our greatest national treasure.

 

Finally, this movie has a pretty nice Williamson soundtrack, but I didn't realize how nice until I saw that The Dells were one it, as in "Stay in My Corner", "Oh What a Night", and "The Love We Had Stays on My Mind" The Dells. I looked into it some, and they actually performed on the Original Gangsters soundtrack as well, so Williamson had already worked with them. It's a very rare thing on our site that we get a group of that caliber performing on the soundtrack--it's rare that we do movies that even have soundtracks--so I wanted to spotlight it. 

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can stream this free on Tubi here in the States, and I think it's also available on Prime. For Williamson fans, I think it's a fun time; for people who aren't as big a fan of his, there may not be enough there--but seriously, who isn't a big fan of Williamson?

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0253056

One-Eyed Monster (2008)

This movie was the second of three for October's edition of the Netflix Bad Movie Night, and let's just say it didn't have it's work cut out for it, because the film before it, Die You Zombie Bastards!, hurt immensely. One-Eyed Monster could've been based on a 1000-page L. Ron Hubbard novel, and it still would've looked promising compared to Die You Zombie Bastards! Fortunately it wasn't based on a Hubbard book, it was pretty decent, and it featured one of the best movie monologues I've ever seen.

One-Eyed Monster is about a porn film that's shooting in a remote cabin in the mountains of Northern California during a blizzard. Then something strange happens. Ron Jeremy loses control of his penis as he's doing a woman from behind, and the next thing you know, his manhood is disarticulated and running around on the floor, and Jeremy dies. Long story short: an alien life force has taken over Ron Jeremy in order to spawn its alien babies and take over the world, and based on it's calculations, the rest of Ron Jeremy's body is deemed superfluous, so it's dumped. Now the gang needs to fight back as this murderous member picks them off one by one in grizzly fashion. Can the addition of a mysterious old man from out in the storm turn the tide in their favor?



This isn't as bad or as lowest common denominator as the synopsis might sound. Sure, some of the dick jokes are a bit much or a bit expected, but for the most part it's a pretty funny idea and is carried off well. Oh yeah, and then there's Charles Napier. That's right, the Charles Napier. He's the mysterious old guy, and he straight kills it. It's like someone came to him with the idea of the plot, he instantly got what they were going for, and he was all in. And his monologue (which is on YouTube, so I embedded it on the image page and will be posting it to the Tumblr) is easily one of the best I've ever seen in a movie. That alone is worth the price of admission. On the other hand, this could've used more Napier, and if I have one main complaint, it's that, because the quality drops drastically once he departs. Still, overall, it's not horrible, it's pretty fun actually, and might be worth checking out.

We usually don't associate the late Charles Napier with comedic roles, but should we be surprised when he can pull it off so well? And not only does he pull it off, but the way he completely steps into the movie and picks it up on his shoulders and carries it for his time on-screen is great to watch. This is only a semi-decent horror comedy until Napier shows up, then it becomes something much more awesome, the kind of thing where I'm like "you gotta see this!"



One of the many things us people who write blogs have to consider is whether or not we want to go full out obscenity and stick the parental warning on it, or if we want to keep it clean and open it up to everyone. As you can see, I've gone the latter route, and I've done that because I started watching movies like this when I was in my early teens (actually even younger), and I want to make sure kids that young can come and learn about these movies that were, in many cases, released before they were born. What that means, though, is reviewing a movie about a killer penis isn't always easy. I'll say this though: this is not an X-rated film, and nothing a kid who's seen any R-rated flick couldn't handle-- just has a little more male genitalia than you're probably used to.

This did have a few other names in it. We already mentioned Ron Jeremy. He dies early on. They keep saying in the credits that they're "introducing" him, even though he was Orgazmo, so it was obviously a joke, but not a very funny one. Buffy fans will recognize Amber Benson, who played a member of the porn movie crew, like craft services or something, and then she's impregnated by the One-Eyed Monster. Going out a bit on a limb, we had also Jeff Denton as the porn director. Denton has starred in some early Asylum films, including one we've done, Transmorphers.



As you may know, I'm a sucker for mountains in my movies, and considering it made for a good substitute to showing a prosthetic penis and getting my blog flagged for inappropriate content, I figured I'd go with it in this spot. Not sure what peaks those are. The film was shot in Mammoth Lake, California, so maybe someone has a better idea-- or maybe they aren't even from there, they're just file mountains that were taken from somewhere else. Either way, I definitely want to hike them.

But enough of that, we don't want to give people the impression that I'm not just a dude living in his parents basement getting fat off of mac n' cheese, and hiking goes against that image. What we do here when I'm not hiking is review movies, and this one, mostly on the strength of the great Charles Napier for a segment of the middle of it, is pretty sweet. At the very least, go to the image page or Tumblr and see what you think of that monologue, then take it from there.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0988043/

Deep Space (1988)

When I heard that the great Charles Napier passed away, a bunch of potential movies for a tribute post popped into my head, but none of them felt quite right, because they featured Napier in his usual supporting role. That just wouldn't cut it here. Then I thought of Deep Space, which also just happened to be on Watch Instantly. Now this will do.

Deep Space is a Fred Olen Ray directed piece that actually has nothing to do with deep space. The US government has engineered a killing monster and keeps it incubated in a satellite orbiting above the earth, the idea being they send the satellite down to wreak havoc on a country that might threaten democracy, freedom, and money. Something goes wrong though, and the thing crash lands in SoCal, prompting a meddling teen and his girlfriend to investigate, and wake the thing up. When police detective Napier is sent out to investigate, things don't add up, so he pursues it, along with his buddy (Ron Glass from Barney Miller fame), and against police chief Bo Svenson's wishes. The question is, can even the great Charles Napier kill the ultimate killing machine?



This movie would've been perfect had the end scenes not been so dark that I could barely make them out. Otherwise, everything else was great. Maybe my screen was too dark, but I doubt it. Anyway, this was pretty solid Fred Olen Ray fare, schlock horror, sci-fi, and action all mixed into one for a fun time; but the thing takes on another level with Napier as the lead. As great as he is as a supporting character, he's that much better when it's his show. He also carried a lot of the down times that would've torpedoed this with a lesser actor. Overall, I think you'll enjoy this, and maybe you'll have more luck with the ending being dark than I did.

If we needed to do an In Memoriam post for Charles Napier, this is one the best ones to choose. We see him in a kilt playing the bagpipes, we see him in an apron cooking steaks, we even see him in bed after a long night of drinking answering the phone with a pair of panties draped around it. And that's not even getting to how much ass he kicks. In one scene he's chasing one of the monster's spawn into this woman's house, and she's cowering in the corner afraid of it. He says to her "Let me borrow your bat and I'll go after it." Not "give me your bat" or "give me the goddamn bat lady!", but in a calm, polite manner "let me borrow your bat." Then, when the thing attacks her, he gets her to push it into the air, so he can bat it through the window. If you're a Napier fan and haven't seen this, put it on your list.



You'll notice that the alien looks kind of like the one from Alien. He attacks people in a more The Thing kind of way, with tentacles that come out of his body and pull people to him. From there, it's just buckets of blood tossed on the wall. I like all of that stuff. Sure, it's good to have great special effects, but a bucket of blood splashed on the wall and some screaming in the background is good too. What I can't abide is making the scene so dark I can't make out the action, especially when I want to see Napier going at this alien thing with a chainsaw. Fred Olen Ray giveth, and Fred Olen ray taketh away.

I loved the Ron Glass. Growing up, my parents always watched Barney Miller, though I really don't remember any episodes specifically. Seeing Glass here makes me want to go back and see some old Barney Miller episodes. Unfortunately, they aren't on Watch Instantly or Hulu, or even TV Land. What's the point of having a channel like TV Land if it doesn't show Barney Miller?



Speaking of TV shows I love, we had Julie Newmar here as a psychic or something that gave Napier anonymous tips on the case. We all know her as the first Catwoman on one of my favorite shows of all time, Batman. You may recall we had the voice of Eartha Kitt in Pink Chiquitas, meaning we only need a Lee Meriwether to have all the Catwomen on here. Of course, during our look at comic book movies back when I did Wild Card posts, we also reviewed Catwoman-- I won't say anything else.

If you miss this while it's on Netflix Watch Instantly, then the only other way to make it happen is used VHS. I think, if you're a big Napier fan, or a fan of camp Sci-Fi, this is worth it, especially as a cheap bargain bin find. Keep your eyes peeled for it, I think you'll have a fun time.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092863/

Extreme Honor (2001)

I saw this on Netflix, saw Olivier Gruner and Michael Ironside on the cover, checked it out on imdb and saw it had a bunch of other people too, and knew I had to get it. The Netflix synopsis gave me some pause, when it mentioned that Gruner was essentially the bad guy, but I figured there was enough star power to make up for that, right?

Extreme Honor is about a 300-pound pork roast of a man who is dumped from the Navy SEALs in a rather dubious decision requiring a massive leap of faith on our part. His son has cancer, and he needs to raise $5 million for some experimental treatment (I know, another leap of faith). So he breaks into evil billionaire Michael Ironside's and grabs the cash. Now Ironside wants revenge.



This film angered me, deeply. First and foremost, let's hit the bait-and-switch. It's not only an Olivier Gruner bait-and-switch-- he's barely in it for two scenes-- it's also a Michael Ironside bait-and-switch and a Michael Madsen bait-and-switch. All three mentioned on the cover, all three barely in the film for a quarter to half of it. The bait-and-switch was so obvious, in the DVD menu, in the biographies section, they don't even list the 300-pound pork roast who was supposed to be the star. Second, after the bait-and-switch, there was a serious lack of action. I mean, we're talking half-hour stretches of gratingly bad dramatic scenes about the most inane crap by people thinking they're pulling this crap off. Seriously, no one cares how the 300-pound pork roast is doing in his new job post Navy SEALs, if he's in a bar with his buddies, spend that 10 minutes with a bar fight. It is an action film, right? Third, kids, cancer, and action flicks do not mix. Totally sauteed in wrong sauce. And finally, speaking of sauteed in wrong sauce, who centers an action film around a 300-pound pork roast, and tries to sell him to us as a smooth Navy SEAL? What's next, Donald Gibb from Bloodsport will be the next James Bond? Bad, bad, anger-inducing bad.

That's right, egregious Olivier Gruner bait-and-switch. I mean, it wasn't even funny how bad it was. He's pretty much here for a little in the beginning, and then comes back in the end so he can be thrown around a hospital kitchen by a 300-pound pork roast. God damn it! I put this frickn' DVD in my queue for that shit? What about the poor saps who bought it. I almost feel like reporting the distributors and packagers of this sack of asscrack to the Better Business Bureau, because this is so dirty. Just look at that cover and tell me what you think the film is about. You'd think it's an Olivier Gruner asskicking fest, right? Highway robbery.



You might think by my constant use of the term "300-pound pork roast" that I'm picking on the lead too much. That would be the case, if the actual people selling this film had thought he was important enough to promote, or even put on the damn cover, since he's the lead. Hey, if it's not a big deal to them, then it's not a big deal to me, hence 300-pound pork roast. The other reason why I keep driving this home, is to elucidate how much his being cast for this part was so wrong. We've seen big guys in action leads really kill it-- One Man Force is an obvious example, but in that one, the lead, John Matsuzak, wasn't given to us as a smooth talking Navy SEAL, he was a big, boisterous, ass kicking cop, charging at guys with refrigerators and trashing his superior's desk yelling "fuck you!" Also, I don't know if you noticed this, but Matsuzak's face is all over the cover. Exactly.

This had some mega star power in cameo and supporting roles. We already mentioned Ironside and Madsen. Then there was Martin Kove, Charles Napier, Antonio Fargas, Philip Tan, Arnold Chon, Grand L. Bush, Sven Ole-Thorsen, and Edward Albert. All of these guys have been in a film reviewed at the DTVC at least once, and some of them multiple times. Michael Ironside was the closest to having more than a cameo, but, as much as he was great as the baddie, it was so poorly written that it did him as an actor a disservice. Our hero never at any time faced an obstacles in defeating him. Dude, you got Michael Ironside here, show some respect, write him a better part. I think with Michael Madsen, because he's an old buddy of the 300-pound pork roast, was there to make him seem cooler and less like a 300-pound pork roast. That move never works, as much as us guys like to think it would. If Michael Madsen was ever nice enough to hang out with me one night, I too wouldn't be any cooler, any more appealing to the ladies, just because he's so cool.



I wanted to wrap this up with a little what would you do paragraph. In this movie, all the guys in on the Ironside heist with the 300-pound pork roast got $1 million for their troubles, and they were told "no shopping sprees for 6 months", as in, chill out and don't call attention to yourselves. I don't think that would be such a problem. I'd probably catch a bus out of town somewhere, go to a city, spend a little here and there on food and what not, but nothing big. The biggest problem would be the hotel, because you'd need a credit card for that, and that leaves a paper trail. Depending on the time of year, one could hit a sporting goods store and grab a one-man tent and sleeping bag-- but you'd need a car to take advantage of campgrounds, and cars are always easy to track. Youth hostels? I'm too old for those. Nope, I'd be a sitting duck, waiting for Ironside's men to pick me off...

Stay away from this sack of asscrack. The lowness of the bait-and-switch alone makes this beneath your time and money, but beyond that, the movie is boring and poorly made. The sheer star power give this a siren song effect. Don't fall for it, they're barely in the flick, and all you're getting for your trouble is a 300-pound pork roast.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0264606/

Armstrong (1998)

I've been meaning to get to this one for some time now. First it was on Netflix Watch Instantly, then it wasn't, then I went on hiatus at the end of the summer, then I came back, it came back, but other movies kept bumping it down the pecking order. Now we're finally here. Also, this has been done by two other blogs that are well known to readers of the DTVC, Ty at Comeuppance Reviews, and Sutekh at Explosive Action.

Armstrong has Frank Zagarino as an ex-CIA dude in Russia training their new version of the KGB that's supposed to be more US friendly. At the same time, a very moist Charles Napier has been sent by the President to look into some nukes being sold by rogue members of the Russian military to terrorist organizations. He's killed by Joe Lara, but not before Zagarino gets the proof he needs on a video tape. The problem is, how far up the military chain does this go in Russia? As far as Richard Lynch?



I kind of dug this one. It was a little long, but the whole thing was so gratuitous that I kind of let that pass. I mean, the plot was pretty well worn but funny, the action scenes were hilarious but in a fun way, plus, this was directed by Menahem Golan, and we know he knows how to do bad action. In fact, this felt like something that was made in the early 90s, not 1998-- only the style of the Pepsi logo in one scene gave the shooting date away-- so you could see how it might have fit Golan's other "Cannon", get it? This is the kind of movie you're dealing with here: Kimberley Kates has a full-frontal scene when she comes out of the shower, which transitions into her putting on wet clothes, no underwear, Lara pointing a gun between her legs and looking up her skirt, then her running around in a see-through wet blouse during a foot chase. The foot chase goes on way longer than the action warranted, and really kills the film's momentum, but there was a sense that Golan and whoever else that was involved in making the film were like "hey, we convinced Kimberley to do the wet T-shirt scene, let's get our money's worth." If you dig that kind of thing, you'll dig this.

Frank Zagarino is back again. This will be his fourth film, but only his third starring role. We didn't do this one though solely for him, though having him helped. The Napier and the Lynch didn't hurt things either, plus, having Lara as the heel really worked. I mean, replace Lara's double-breasted suit with a Star Trek: The Next Generation T, and he'd be one of those guys they showed in Trekkies selling replica Klingon weapons at the convention. It would've been nice if he and Zagarino had a better end fight, but it was still good.



Richard Lynch was in this as a Russian colonel, so he affected a Russian accent. It was funny, because his native Brooklyn accent is still pretty apparent. Try to mix those two together. He was also kind of a secondary baddie to Joe Lara, which didn't feel right-- Lynch should always be the big baddie. This is only his sixth film on the DTVC, and I know we had talking in the past about making a concerted effort to get more of his films up here, because he is such a great DTV baddie. He's always on my radar for that reason, it's just a matter of making it happen.

This had to be the most moist film we've ever reviewed on here. Everyone was just covered in Patrick Ewing style perspiration. First it was Napier, but then the rest of them followed suit. I'm talking like "I've been hiking in 90-degree weather" dripping wet kind of moistness; or "I'm way overweight and the AC doesn't work at the Chinese food buffet" kind of moistness. Whose idea was that? It wasn't appealing, it was gross.



As I mentioned above, Kimberley Kates has a full-frontal nude scene-- we're talking top and bottom. Then she runs around for a good ten minutes of screen time in a wet see-through blouse. There's even a very tasteful part where she sits down in front of a room service cart to eat, and Lara pops out from underneath it and points his gun between her legs, making sure he gets a good look too-- she's wearing no underwear. She also gets punched in the face a few times, tied to a chair, and when all is said and done, she's rescued by Zagarino and his Russian friend, and the three walk off into the sunset together, none the worse for wear. One of the funnier things she did was make this pirate "Arrgh!" when she's first getting tied up.

This is pure bad Menahem Golan, reminiscent of the Cannon days, but not quite as good. I saw it as a solid bad movie night film. It's not just so bad it's good, but it's gratuitously bad it's good, and sometimes that gratuitousness (gratuity?) can be too much for some people, i.e. the film takes on too much of that lowest common denominator principle. I can see that, and Armstrong definitely pushed it, but in the end it worked for me.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0139029/

One Man Force (1989)

I saw Mr. Sutekh's review of this on his blog, Explosive Action, and I knew I needed to get me some. Then the light bulb went off in my head, and I realized I could post this film and showcase our man from downunder's site at the same time. Go check him out-- after you finish reading this post, of course. Cheers myte!

One Man Force is about this big bear of a man, Jake, played by John Matsuzak (Sloth from The Goonies). He doesn't do things by the book, and has a penchant for using large appliances to attack people (I was going to say "penchant for attacking people with large appliances", but the dangling participle made it sound like he attacks people who have large appliances...). This reckless style gets his partner dead, and in order to make amends and bring his partner's killers to justice, he goes out on his own. But what does the kidnapping of pop star Stacy Q have to do with his partner's killing and Latin drug cartels? Does it matter?



Nope, it certainly doesn't. In the very beginning, when Jake's partner expresses his misgivings about the raid they're about to make on a drug deal, I got nervous. I was wondering how I'm supposed to like this when the hero is such an enormous tool that he gets his friend killed. Then this hilarious music plays while the friend takes a few deadly slugs to the torso, then Jake proceeds to lift up a refrigerator and charge another shooter. From there I was hooked. It was like watching a great physical comedian with Matsuzak. How can you not laugh when Ronny Cox tells him he's suspended, and he freaks out, violently clears off Cox's desk, and yells "fuck you!" Somewhere around the 35 minute mark, my attention started to wane, but out of nowhere, Jake's in a car chase, and he sends the people chasing him into a Pepsi sign and an exploding boat, and the next day, in the crash aftermath, he's drinking a 2 liter bottle of Slice. I could go on, but I don't want to give too much away, like the brawl in the S&M bar, or the poor stunt double that was taken through the ringer as Jake hangs from the window of a speeding truck, trying to choke out the driver. There was so much to love.

Matsuzak passed away earlier in the same year this was released. That's too bad, because it looked like maybe he was making a shift from bit parts in various TV crime dramas and action shows, into the DTV world. Based on what we saw here, the potential was enormous. He was just this big force, yelling out these hilarious obscenities and throwing his weight around. I don't know if it was all intentionally funny, but it all worked. It's a shame that he's no longer with us, but it looks like we also missed out on a lot of great work that never was.



This film brought together three classic That Guys in Charles Napier, Ronny Cox, and Richard Lynch. One of these guys in a film would be fantastic, two, amazing, but all three? Oh snap! On top of that, you had Stacy Q-- who did "Two of Hearts" for of my readers born after 1980, or who aren't 1980s music aficionados-- and Sharon Farrell, who, among her many roles, was in one of my all time faves, Can't Buy Me Love-- I have to give a mention to fellow Mainer Patrick Dempsey whenever possible.

I have no clue why, but this stance of Matsuzak's below cracks me up. Am I crazy, or am I right? I mean, what is he doing there, stretching out his hamstrings? Getting ready to run? No, he's making small talk with the cop manning the evidence room. There was so much that Matsuzak did that was either intentionally or unintentionally funny, but for some reason this stood out as absolutely hilarious.



Finally, this movie showcased a lot of product placement. Matsuzak only wore Adidas, while his partner's son wore Quicksilver. Then there were the Pepsi, Slice, and 7-Up appearances. There was even a Discover card sighting. The one that stuck out the most was the Miller Lite though, because I'd forgotten the old "Tastes Great, Less Filling" days. Back then I was young, and didn't understand that Miller Lite was only cool for kids in college playing beer pong (I didn't even know what that was), or what a person throwing a barbecue serves to avoid giving out anything really good that might cost more. Only a tool actually orders Miller Lite at a bar, at least if it's not on a special or something. Now their ads tell us "Man up and drink Miller Lite". Is it possible for commercial products to jump the shark? They do know they're Miller Lite, right? While they're suggesting that certain members of the male population are tools, they have to know that their product is the number one contributor to male tooldom in America. Either man up and order some straight bourbon, bitch, or don't start calling us out for not being manly enough-- especially because we don't drink watered down beer.

That rant went on way too long. I think it's because I watch too much ESPN, and those dumb beer commercials are ubiquitous. Anyway, we got off track, which is too bad, because One Man Force is awesome, and if you haven't seen it, you need to make it happen. It is available on DVD, but it's out of print and can be expensive. VHS is the better route, and if you're a collector of of bad DTV action, this is a must. Fantastic. And take a look at Explosive Action while you're at it.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098026/

Steel (1997)

This is a film that my box office bomb wild card review was made for. The only problem was, it wasn't out on DVD, so I put off getting it. When I decided to do this series of comic book movies, I had actually forgotten this was based on one, and didn't consider it, until a few readers suggested it. That's when I realized it was time to stop procrastinating and make this sack-of-asscrack happen.

Steel has Shaq as a dude who makes weapons for the Army, along with Judd Nelson and Annabeth Gish. While trying to impress a visiting senator, Nelson gets overzealous with one of the weapons, things go bad, and in the process Gish ends up paralyzed, Nelson is dishonorably discharged, and O'Neal quits the service. When he gets home, though, he starts seeing his weapons pop up in the hands of the local street gangs. He calls in Gish and an old buddy in Richard Roundtree, and together they take down Nelson before he can sell his guns to anyone bad.



There are days when I absolutely love what I do here, when I find some great gems, or someone sends me the funniest bad movie ever. Then there are times when I wonder if it's worth it to put myself through the ringer-- and this was one of those times. I knew I was in for it it when I hit the display button to see how far in I was, thinking it must've been like 45 minutes, only to discover to my horror that that 45 minutes was merely 18 minutes of real movie time. They should've had Mr. T in the very beginning, warning us "My prediction for this movie: Pain!" It's almost traumatizing to relive it again so soon, considering I only saw it a few hours ago.

I don't know what was worse, the script or Shaq's acting. It's amazing that a guy that's so naturally charismatic could be so bad at reciting lines in a manner that sounds like something more than just a guy reciting lines. At times I wondered if he was on SNL reading from cue cards off set because the writers just got done with it with no time to rehearse. And maybe that's how this whole thing was done, because the script at times sounded like something Ed Wood would've thrown together, especially at the end. It seemed like it wasn't even proofread. It was hard for me to reconcile that this was a feature film that played at my local movie theater, as opposed to one long sketch on Mad TV.



There was one very bright spot, though, and that was Judd Nelson as the head baddie. If he didn't make such a great villain, I would've been rooting for him over Steel, but because he did such a great job being evil I wanted Steel, no matter how ridiculous he looked, to win. My friend at Movies in the Attic has been on me to get more Judd Nelson on my site, especially since this is the first film of his I've reviewed (I think). I couldn't agree with him more. Not only that, but Nelson is from Portland, ME. Who knew?

I have very little exposure to the comics that this character is based on, so I went on Wikipedia and gave myself a crash course. One striking thing about him is he's the exact opposite of Superman. Superman's has so many superpowers, the writers had to invent Kryptonite to make him vulnerable to something; while Steel has no superpowers whatsoever, he's just a human who's very smart. Also, Steel fits your classic hero paradigm-- he's John Henry Irons naturally, and dons his costume to become Steel. Superman is the opposite-- he's Superman naturally, and he dresses up to be Clark Kent. It's almost like Steel is Batman more than he's Superman.



I had always considered that Shaq, between his charisma and athleticism, would make a good action hero. One could teach him martial arts pretty easily, and he'd be a natural on screen. Obviously, after watching this, I can see that the natural on screen part is out, but I also saw why he wouldn't really make it as an action star: he's too tall. In one scene with A-List That Guy Charles Napier, it was just really awkward as the two walked down the road together. I still think he'd make a great baddie or baddie's hatchet man if he learned to fight, but leading man would be too much. Dolph or Dennis Rodman is probably the ceiling on height.

I used to complain that this wasn't out on DVD yet, but some movies just don't need to be transferred. You could even say some movies don't need to be made when you're talking about something like this, let alone released on DVD. If you're a sadist, or maybe you did something bad and want to repent in a way that won't leave any visible marks, by all means, check out Steel. Just remember, though there may be no visible scars, the ones on the inside might be even worse.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120207/

Riot (1997)

This is another flick that I had said I'd review some time ago, forgot about, then discovered as I was updating the archives so they'd have images that linked to larger versions of the original when you click on them that I had said in a comment that I would review it. I should make this clear to everyone who has ever made a request or suggestion that I said I'd get to then didn't: it's not on purpose, they just sometimes get lost in the shuffle, and if I do forget about one you wanted, don't hesitate to say something-- I won't take it personally.

Riot takes place in LA on Christmas Eve, and a riot has broken out after some kids were killed by the cops. In the wake of this riot, the British ambassador's daughter is kidnapped, and special forces dude Gary Daniels is sent into the war zone to get her out. As things shake out, Daniels realizes it's not simply a matter of a gang-banger seizing an opportunity for a quick payday, it goes much deeper. Doesn't it always, though? Suddenly, when we think the movie's almost over, it becomes an anti-Irish Catholics in Northern Ireland pro-UK pro-Protestant propaganda fest.



I can see why a lot of people like this, and I did too-- for the most part. The action was there, Daniels was great, the problem for me was it suffered from the Ninja Gaiden II Syndome. If you remember Ninja Gaiden II, it seemed like it would never end. There were like three last bosses; you'd beat one, and either another would take his place, or he'd transform into some kind of demon or something. Anyway, Riot has that same issue. At about the hour mark, it looks like it's wrapping up: Daniels and the girl are near the end of the riot zone, the head baddies are there for the final confrontation, life is good. Then the girl cuts herself, Daniels decides he can't take her over the riot zone like that (why?), and he finds a house owned by the Cold Case guy. Even the final confrontation with the head baddie went on forever, with a fight in the street that ends up in a parking garage with Daniels riding on the hood of a car. I felt like I was at a party, and my ride home just would not leave, and he'd like get his coat on, or the conversation he's in will seem like it's run its course, only to have him sit or take his coat off again. This also became poorly disguised pro-UK pro-Irish Protestant propaganda, which irked me too, and I'll get into that later.

And that's too bad, because this really did have some top notch action in it. The scene with the helicopter dangling on the edge of the skyscraper was big budget action quality. That wasn't the only scene. The end in the parking garage was great-- too bad it didn't come sooner. If they cut the entire Cold Case guy's part, and made some of the other crap a little shorter, this could've been great. There were other areas where bad editing detracted from the action. There was a great homage to 1990: Bronx Warriors with guys on Rollerblades with hockey masks and hockey sticks attacking Daniels. It would've been great, if they had focused on the action and fighting, and not wasted five minutes of them skating and circling him. They did the same thing again when guys on dirt bikes attacked him. This isn't the X-Games, and even if it was, guys just doing wheelies on dirt bikes wouldn't be cool for that either. Yes, it got good when the guys on dirt bikes started crashing and getting set on fire, but the effect is dulled some by the whole Disney on Ice thing. This is an action film, don't waste my time, get those fuckers on the dirt bikes crashing and exploding as soon as possible.



I think as far as Gary Daniels goes, he was good, and one of the many redeemable parts of the film. Again, with some better editing, this could've been a classic, and Daniels was a big reason why. I was looking through Netflix and imdb to see what the next Daniels film should be, and a lot of the ones I'd like to do aren't available through Netflix. To give you an idea of how ridiculous this has gotten, Bloodmoon, which I got from Netflix back in May, is no longer available. I don't really know what the rules are that govern renting movies, but is it really the worst thing in the world for them to make available films that are out of print? And what do they do with those DVDs if they aren't renting them out? Can we buy them? Regardless, it's frustrating, because Gary Daniels has a great filmography, and a good chunk of it is unavailable through Netflix, including ones that are available on DVD.

Sugar Ray Leonard is in this as Daniels' right hand man. He wasn't bad. In his fight scenes, he really only punched, but that was fine. I'm surprised he hasn't done much more, other than some TV shows and whatnot. He'd be great as a detective opposite someone like Daniels. I guess with the money he has from fighting he probably doesn't need to make low-budget DTV actioners.



If rule number 1 of action films is don't let the plot detract from the action, rule number 2 is definitely: be careful when you get political with it. The review I saw of this on imdb suggested the film was racist. The reasoning behind this was that almost every black person on screen was a bad guy. I didn't see it like that. You could infer that, because all of the African American males are either bad guys or good guys that served in the military, that black men have only two options in society-- crime or the service-- but even then I'm not so sure that's racist as opposed to making a statement about the need to make better opportunities for people living in the inner city. What I did sense, though, was some definite pro-UK pro-Protestant Irish sentiment, which I didn't like. Especially galling was when the IRA terrorists were banging on people's doors in the riot zone looking for Daniels, because it called to mind for me the Irish Protestant practice of knocking on the doors of Irish Catholics and taking the men off to torture and kill them. If a movie's going to bring the IRA into a film and make them the baddies, they need to make sure they present both sides of that conflict, otherwise they're coming off as propaganda, which is what this film ended up being.

Sometimes movies just go too far, and this was one. It was too long, needed a lot of it trimmed, and devolved into anti-Irish Catholic propaganda. That was too bad, because Daniels was great, the action was big budget quality, and all of that was, for me at least, overshadowed by the shortcomings. These shortcomings may not be too much for other viewers, so if you're a Gary Daniels fan, you may still want to give it a try and disagree with me.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117481/