Warlock: The Armageddon (1993)

I first saw this film back in high school when some buddies and I rented it. We heard there was this really cool scene where The Warlock turns a guy into a piece of art. Unfortunately, the scene didn't really live up to the hype. As a more mature viewer, I now appreciate the film for its silliness and Julian Sands, who's a pretty cool dude.

Warlock: The Armageddon is the second in the Warlock series, and it follows our hero Julian Sands, as he collects some stones in order to complete a ritual to bring Satan to Earth (The Devil, not the famous hockey player Miroslav Satan). In his way are a group of Druids in a small town in the US. Two of them have kids, and those two kids are supposed to be the warriors that'll stop Sands from fulfilling his mission. Though the two are in high school, one is the 29-year old Paula Marshall, and the other the 22-year old Chris Young (who you may remember as the kid going for the tour in PCU). All they needed was Luke Perry and Ian Ziering to make it perfect. Anyway, Sands comes close to bringing about the end of the world, if only he'd understood the invention of headlights for automobiles in the past 400 years.



The first Warlock was somewhat original and had some interesting death scenes and whatnot. This film tried to carry on that tradition, and failed miserably. When he turns the guy into an art sculpture it was more weird than it was cool. For some reason it didn't kill the guy, so the sculpture had blinking eyes, making it look like an element in a Peter Gabriel video. For me, the only thing close to as awesome as Julian Sands was the local jock who had a too sweet mullet.

I'm not sure what you can say about Julian Sands that hasn't already been said. He makes this movie. My favorite part was when he picked up this midget woman and threw her into an iron maiden. There was another pretty cool part when the old Druid guys try to shoot him with a shot gun, and he kills them by making a firearm out of his fingers. Then for good measure, he blows the smoke off them. I'm not surprised he left the series for the third movie, because he must've been bored with these silly scenes; but I have to say the silly scenes wouldn't have been as enjoyable without him involved.



Paula Marshall's in this. She's one of those actresses that looks better in her forties than she did in her twenties. Not that she didn't look good then, she just looks better now. I remember her as being pretty hot in a Diagnosis Murder episode my mom was watching recently. Anyway, her claim to fame seems to be killing shows, because everyone she's in dies out before the end of the first season, most notably Snoops with Gena Gershon, and Cupid with Entourage's Jeremy Piven. According to imdb, she's been guest starring on Nip/Tuck lately, so we'll see what happens there. Maybe she wouldn't mind killing a few of the ten or so crime dramas that've taken over the airwaves.

Speaking of Jeremy Piven, this film also has the kid from PCU who came to campus to take a tour. He's supposed to be a geek turned hero in this movie. I'm wondering if screenwriters who come up with this type of scenario are trying to right some wrong from their past, as if every heroic thing the geeky kid does removes one more wedgie, or relieves the pain of one more swirly. I'm not saying every hero should be some beefy Dolph Lundgren type with a character name like Smoke Man Musk (or maybe I am), I'd just rather not have to deal with the writer working out unresolved issues from his childhood when I'm trying to enjoy a bad Julian Sands film.



This film didn't a have a great opinion of organized religion. It painted a picture of it as this close-minded, out-dated, intolerant, belligerent institution. I'm not a very religious person myself, but I feel I'd be remiss in ignoring the same kind of monolithic approach to a subject that I berated in films like Hunt For Eagle One and Second in Command. It's like we have here an ultra liberal stance on religion like the ultra conservative ones on terrorism or communism in the other two films. I've always had a problem with being preached to when I watched movies, and it doesn't matter if it comes from the far left or the far right.

As a Julian Sands vehicle, this ain't half-bad, but beyond him, this is a poor film. It's no where near the seminal work the first Warlock is, and if you're considering renting something, try that first. If you see it on Sci-Fi like it was recently, you may want to TiVo it, but I wouldn't go much further. It's fun to make fun of, but you could probably do better renting something else. I personally got a kick out of it, but not enough to spend any money on it.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108517/

Werewolf Hunter: The Legend of Romasanta aka Romasanta (2004)

I saw this movie on one of the Showtime channels a little while ago. I believe it is currently on either Showtime or The Movie Channel ON Demand. It has Julian Sands, which is the selling point for me. He's not a bad guy.

Romasanta has Sands in the lead role, as a sexy seducer of women in 1851 that also kills them and makes soap from the fat of their thighs and buttocks. That means he doesn't dig anorexic chicks. Anyway, a potential victim catches him making soap after a night of long lovemaking, and she escapes. She bumps into a fat guy that explains Sands is a werewolf, and Sands turned him into one too. After a frightening image of the fat guy running naked with Sands, the woman goes to the police, and they go and arrest him. He's found guilty but insane, and is sentenced to an asylum.

Romasanta was a real dude, one of the first recorded serial killers, and the idea behind him was he thought he was a werewolf. This movie was a what if kind of deal. By making it a what if, the film makers take any of the intrigue out of it. It would've been cooler to show Sands as the real Romasanta, who was nuts and thought he was a werewolf, instead of saying "what if werewolves really exist", when we know they don't. For me this movie was a lost opportunity.



Sands is great in this, as he usually is in anything. My buddy did some research, and he said Sands and Bruce Payne went to acting school together. That's pretty cool when you consider Payne took over for Sands in the Warlock series. The two actually made their first film together in 1982, Privates on Parade. Maybe, just maybe, the next Highlander movie will cast Sands as their baddie. How can you do worse?

A woman named Elsa Pataky plays the chick that eventually brings Sands down. You may remember her as the Latin woman with the baby that sucks the poison out of the boy's wrist in the 2006 hit Snakes on a Plane. She gets naked in this, and Julian Sands washes her nude body with the soap made from other women's thighs and buttocks. She's hot enough that you can get past the grossness of the people-soap, but just the same, it's still kind of weird.

While we're on the subject of nudity, there's a nude fat dude. He runs with a Sands in wolf-form with mud all over him. But this is full frontal nudity, so you get the twig and berries, not just a big pair of buttcheeks. I'm not sure why this is in the film. If it's to legitimize the Pataky nude scene, i.e. to tell the audience they weren't just looking for an excuse to get her naked, but that it was part of the film, that's dumb. When we watch bad movies, it's understood the film makers look for any excuse to get the hot lead females naked, and we thank them for it. The other possible explanation is that the nude guy is there for the women. If that's true, then I feel bad for them, because they got short-changed.



This film had some great moments. Sands kills a little bird by shoving sticks in its eyes and watching it fly into a tree. This scene is all the more macabre because the bird was in a little girl's hands. After he kills the girl, he gives her the same sticks in the eye treatment. There's also an autopsy where a couple dudes go over his victims while the bodies are preserved in salt. Totally gross. This film also had your classic accent issues, where Pataky and some others have Spanish accents, and Sands and a few others have English ones. I actually get behind this. Why not have Brits sound like Brits? Who cares what nationality their character's supposed to be from.

If you or someone you know has Showtime or The Movie Channel On Demand, give this film a look. When it's free, it's not a bad deal. You may want to consider renting this, but not for new release money. Get it on a night when your rental place has some kind of deal, like two for one or something. Definitely don't buy this before you see it.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0374180/