Kickboxer: Retaliation (2018)

Because I did Kickboxer: Vengeance, I figured I'd need to do this one as well. And from there, I decided to do both posts back to back to get them out of the way. Why make you wait for the sequel, right? This has been covered by many other people, including our good friend Mitch at the Video Vacuum, and also Simon Abrams did a write-up for Roger Ebert's site. You know it's big if you're covering a movie Roger Ebert's site is covering.

Kickboxer: Retaliation takes place a year or so after the first one. Alain Moussi is back as our hero, this time being kidnapped and whisked away to a Thai prison, where Christopher Lambert is forcing him to fight a giant from ESPN2's World's Strongest Man competitions. When the usual attempts at coercion don't work, Lambert goes back to the tried and true damsel in distress motif, kidnapping Moussi's wife, Sara Malakul Lane, reprising her role from the first one. To train Moussi to fight this mountain of a man, we have all nature of inmates, including Van Damme again, Mike Tyson, Ronaldinho, and Roy "Big Country" Nelson. Will Moussi prevail?

This was 110 minutes long. One of my biggest rules is anything over 88 minutes is borrowed time, and here we were at almost 2 hours for a standard prison forced to fight story. That's what made me like this one less than the previous one, because that one was a cool 90 minutes. For something as paint-by-numbers as this was, closing in on two hours is beyond excessive. The Coen Brothers were able to get Hail, Caesar! in under that time, and they weren't covering well-worn territory, and had an even more prodigious cast than this. There were some good fights, which were hampered a bit by slow motion affects, but still nice to see and something I can appreciate. The final fight between Moussi and the strongman went about 30 minutes, and really just involved a lot of hitting and the people getting hit spitting Hawaiian Punch out of their mouths. The reality is, this movie was just a better version of Bloodsport 2, but longer, which made it a worse version.

Van Damme is back in the role that IMDb said was originally supposed to be Tony Jaa's, and he was great again. I can't blame him for the fact that this was too long, though he was an executive producer, so maybe I can. When you look at his current stuff, he tends to err on the side of longer movies instead of tightening things up, so I could see him thinking 110 minutes was actually too short, why not make it two and 1/2 hours? One could make the case though that Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning was five minutes longer, and I really liked that one. Yes, but that one was also covering new territory and doing new things with the characters. This is essentially Bloodsport 2, we knew where we were going, we knew what the end would be, so to delay us getting there any longer than we had to was excessive for me. One interesting thing to note with Van Damme as well: this is his 30th tag, but not official entrance into the 30 Club, because one of his tags is post 400, the Van Dame Film Fest. He'll get there soon enough though, I promise.

It's been over nine years since we last saw the film's other Hall of Famer, Christopher Lambert, here on the DTVC, which feels like too long. (The funny thing is I mentioned Hail, Caesar!, and he was in that as well.) Lambert is essentially playing the Ben Franklin role from Bloodsport IV, and it was fun to see him here as a baddie. I've looked through his IMDb, and a lot of his stuff is of the foreign language art house variety, which I enjoy, but doesn't really fit what we're doing here for DTV. One thing this had that was nice was a sword fight between Van Damme and Lambert. One thing it was missing which really disappointed me, was the two of them speaking in French to one another.

A fascinating aspect of Van Damme's career has been the DTV sequels to his movies that star someone other than him. We've talked about the Kickboxer and Bloodsport ones. There was also a Time Cop sequel and syndicated TV show. Universal Soldier first had made-for-TV sequels, then had two DTV sequels that did star him. And maybe when that happened it opened the door for him to try these two as well, because they are, essentially, DTV sequels, trading on a franchise name that he established theatrically. What's interesting is that in this age of franchises and using franchise names on the tin to draw streams and rentals, all but these and a Scott Adkins Hard Target sequel have disappeared. You'd think that someone would make a new Bloodsport or Universal Soldier, if only to trade on the name the way these are, but so far that hasn't happened. I guess we'll see.

While there are these Kickboxer reboots with Alain Moussi--and a third one is in development--there are reports that Albert Pyun was working with Sasha Mitchell to do their own Kickboxer sequels. How amazing would that be? The thing is, these new Kickboxer reboots would have a lot more resources than Pyun would have with his own, especially when he works independently--I bet this film's Hawaiian Punch budget would be more than the budget for an entire Pyun production. But if he can keep them between 80 and 90 minutes, I think they could give these a run for their money. (Seriously, every time someone in this film gets hit in the face, they spray this stream of Hawaiian Punch spit into the air. It's like they're using cases of it, or constantly chewing Cherry Starburst in order to produce that effect.)

And I guess this wraps it up. Like its predecessor, you can get this on Netflix. This wouldn't be a bad DTV actioner if it had a tighter runtime. We're covering ground that has been covered plenty of times before, which is fun, but maybe not almost two hours fun, if that makes sense. It is nice to see all the people in it though, and there were some good fight scenes. I also now have a hankering for Hawaiian Punch...

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5208950

Kickboxer: Vengeance (2016)

This is one of those ones that came out while I was on hiatus, but knew I needed to look at. I remembered it being advertised as a theatrical release, but never made it out to see it, and when I looked it up on IMDb, discovered it barely crossed a quarter of a million dollars worldwide. With all that star power, plus Van Damme being attached to it, what happened? Well, let's see if we can dive in and find out?

Kickboxer: Vengeance is a reboot of the Van Damme original, this time with Alain Moussi playing the Kurt Sloan character. After his brother, played by the late Darren Shahlavi, is killed in the ring by Tong Po when shady fight promoter Gina Carano sets up the match, Moussi vows revenge. So he goes to Thailand, gets beaten up by Tong Po, gets arrested, and then gets trained by Van Damme so he can win. Also, he meets a love interest in local police office Sara Malaku Lane, who is investigating Tong Po for a criminal operation he might be running. The question is, can Van Damme train Moussi well enough to beat the seemingly unbeatable Tong Po?

What do you think happened? Paint-by-numbers doesn't begin to describe this, and I guess for what it was, it wasn't bad. I really liked Van Damme as the trainer, that was probably the major standout. Beyond that, I was left wondering why this was made at all, because it didn't attempt to cover any new territory from the original. On the other hand, at a compact 90 minutes, it is good for a standard DTV fight film--the thing is, you could have called it any number of titles and it would've stood out as a solid Van Damme flick. I think that may be why this didn't do so hot in the theater, people probably looked at it and thought "I don't know who this Moussi guy is, and I don't get why Bautista is Tong Po, and I have the original Kickboxer on DVD, why don't I just watch that and not pay the exorbitant theater prices?" Beyond the fact that it has names in it, there isn't much to distinguish it from the Sasha Mitchell/Albert Pyun sequels, which I don't think Van Damme was going for when he signed on for this.

Van Damme as our film's one Hall of Famer does show up in a big way as the trainer. This is the problem though that you have when introducing us to someone new: the established name tends to overshadow them. It seems like a great idea at the time--make Van Damme the trainer--but when he's killing it in every scene while Moussi's trying to establish himself, it's hard for the audience to not just say "why isn't Van Damme training to fight Bautista?" I guess too there's the issue that Van Damme's character was killed off in the Pyun part two, so maybe they were afraid we'd cry foul if they brought him back when he was supposed to be dead and make a Universal Soldier style sequel. The thing is though, the two John Hyams sequels after that one did cover new territory, especially the second one; and Scott Adkins was established enough to be able to carry it and not be overshadowed by another great Van Damme performance. I read in the IMDb trivia that Van Damme wasn't even the original choice, it was supposed to be Tony Jaa, which is even crazier. At least with Van Damme we can say "you've done so many martial arts movies, we're okay with you being the trainer," but with Jaa all we would've thought is "why aren't you fighting Tong Po?"

I think the thing that would have made this something better and different would have been casting Gina Carano in the lead instead. That's doing something new with it. Carano is trained in Muay Thai, so she'd fit, and casting a female in the lead, especially one with the established star power of Carano, would take this franchise into the 21st century. Not only that, but her name would've gotten people into the theaters to see this. I'm not saying I don't like Moussi, on the contrary I think he's great, but he's also safe, and this is what safe got you, a standard solid Van Damme DTV flick that made a quart-million worldwide. I don't know if you'd have Carano fight Bautista, but why did we need Bautista as Tong Po anyway? Michel Qissi was only 6'2", that's plenty tall enough--actually what if Moussi had played the baddie, he's also 6'2". Now you can introduce Moussi, he takes his lumps by losing to Carano, and everyone's happy. Van Damme really took a chance with JCVD, it's a shame the people making this didn't here.

That's the problem with the binary zero-sum way we have of looking at things, if I say Carano would have been a better choice for the lead because it would have done something to push the franchise forward, it sounds like I'm saying I don't like Moussi, and that's not true. I thought he was great, and think he could be a great up-and-comer in the DTV action realm. Add him to the list after Adkins, Tony Jaa, Iko Uwais, Matt Mullins, Natalie Burn, Stu Bennett--and now it looks like Carano is doing more DTV stuff too. It's a big break for him to get this franchise, and I think it'll be interesting to see what he does from here.

Finally, it looks like this was the last feature film that Darren Shahlavi did before he passed in 2015. I said in the Pound of Flesh post that it was a shame, because he was starting to really break through. He has only a small part here, being the brother who's killed by Tong Po to spark Moussi's revenge quest. According to IMDb, Scott Adkins was originally offered this part, and he said no. The reality is, with what this turned out to be, Adkins was too big for a part like that, so it was good he turned it down; but for Shahlavi, someone still trying to get to where Adkins was, this was a step in the right direction, and it's a shame that we'll never see where the rest of the steps were going to take him. He may not have had the films or influence to merit entry into the DTVC Hall of Fame, but he is included in our Legends Who Have Left US page, so at least we've been able to honor him there.

On that note, let's wrap this up. This isn't horrible, it's good for a standard DTV fight film. It would have been nice if they did something new with it, especially since they're rebooting a franchise as iconic as Kickboxer, and the fact that they didn't has me wondering why they decided to reboot it at all; but take the name away and forget it's a reboot of something, and it works. Also, getting it on Netflix where I'm paying less per month to stream all their films as opposed to paying more than that for one movie ticket to see it in theater makes me a bit more forgiving.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3082898

Pound of Flesh (2015)

I needed to get some more Van Damme on the site, and this one was available On Demand from my cable company. I think it was one I was looking to do before my unplanned hiatus, but that could have been another Van Damme project coming out at that time, you never know. Either way, let's see how it ended up. Also, our friends Brett and Ty at Comeuppance Reviews looked at this one, so you can see what they thought too.

Pound of Flesh has Van Damme as a guy in town in the Philippines who saves a nice lady from her abusive boyfriend (the late Darren Shahlavi), and for his trouble, she slips him a mickey, and while he's out a surgeon slips in and steals his kidney--it's urban legend meets JCVD! Problem is, that kidney was meant for his niece, and if they don't get it back, she's dead. So Van Damme teams up with his estranged brother and local crime lord friend, Aki Aleong, to track down his missing organ. As they dig deeper, they find not all is what it seems. Can they get to the bottom of things and find that kidney before it's too late?

This had the makings of a great Van Damme actioner, but it never quite got there. Why you ask? First and foremost, we have a 104-minute run time with what was maybe at most 80 minutes of material--but probably better a 40-minute short film or syndicated TV show episode length. To pad out that extra time, we have this added piece with Van Damme and his estranged brother, which I think weighed the movie down. A better approach would have been he's just pissed someone stole his kidney and he wants it back because he's a crazy assassin guy. Make it more hubris than anything, and make him a one-man force unleashed on all the baddies--they stole the wrong man's kidney! Action is better when it's short and sweet, and this film went in a different direction with too many plot twists and added elements that we didn't need. The film does have its moments, so it's not a total waste--and I may not have put it as much of a disappointment as Black Water, but it still dragged, and still felt like a missed opportunity.

Van Damme is closing in on the 30 movies territory, but with the great big screen career, I don't think pushing him to milestones like that is as important as it would be for someone like Cynthia Rothrock or Don "The Dragon" Wilson. Just the same, I don't want to ignore his DTV work, because I think covering films like these is necessary. He's very different from Seagal or even Dolph in current DTV films. Van Damme is really invested, and it seems like he's also choosing projects that pique his interest. I don't know if he's the reason this went beyond what it should have been, but it's possible. I feel like if Van Damme took the baddie he played in The Expendables 2, and did that as a good guy in an 80-minute high octane actioner, it could be really exciting. I don't know that he's ever really done that before, but it would be nice to see.

When I said the film had its moments, that shot above is one. If this were a big screen movie in the mid-90s, this would have been the money shot in all the commercials. Classic Van Damme right there, and nice to see that he's still pushing himself and wants to go there twenty years later. That's why I can't kill this movie entirely, despite the fact that it was draggy and a bit long, he's fully invested and doing his part to make this work. Whether he's doing it for us, or doing it for himself to prove he still has it, it doesn't matter, it was exciting to see. By the same token, bringing back the old Van Damme buttcheeks may have been a bit much for people--not the "pound of flesh" they were expecting! I get it, I understand, but for me, the buttcheeks were part and parcel with the splits, and I was willing to take it for the nostalgia factor.

At the DTVC we talk about the ways in which a film can be derailed, and the two biggest are run time and letting the plot get in the way, and this film committed both sins. And the thing is, to consider dumping the brother character, who plays a big part, seems like a drastic cut to make the film; but the reality is, making Van Damme a crazed assassin character whose quest to retrieve his kidney is more hubris than anything works if it's 80 minutes and has fights or shootouts every 15 minutes. They don't even have to be all Van Damme. We could have Shahlavi do one with someone else. Looking at the split above, plus the Bible Fu Van Damme did in a scene at a Philippine nightclub, the action was there to carry 80 minutes of a hubris-filled quest to get his kidney back. Sometimes that's all we need.

This was one of Darren Shahlavi's last films, and I think the saddest thing about that is, not only that he was only 43 when he passed, but that you could see here how he was turning the corner in his career. Someone who was so great in Bloodmoon and should've been getting bigger roles for years, finally was, and it looked like it was only going to get better from there. He had the skill and presence to be up there with Adkins and Michael Jai White, not to mention stars like Tony Jaa and Iko Uwais who are starting to be big from Asian markets; and there was going to be a lot of films made and a lot of roles for someone of Shahlavi's talents to showcase what he could do. Here's to you Mr. Shahlavi, you were one of the greats, and we will miss you.

On that somber note, let's wrap this up. While this had its moments, it's ultimately too long and gets too bogged down in its plot and many moving parts to fully work for me. Right now you can stream it through MoviePlex On Demand on cable, or if you have Stars, you can stream through that or their Amazon Prime service.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3488328

The Package (2013)

You don't need me to tell you that this one looks like a big deal.  Dolph Lundgren and Stone Cold Steve Austin as the leads?  Sounds great.  Darren Shahlavi and Jerry Trimble in supporting roles?  Definitely.  Would I be more excited about this if it were made ten years ago?  Of course, but let's see how it went anyway.

The Package has Austin as a loan shark enforcer who's sent by his loan shark boss to deliver a package to fellow crime boss Dolph Lundgren.  The problem is, other people want the package, and they'll kill Austin for it.  Austin wants out, but the problem is his brother, Lochlyn Munro (of Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? fame), owes the loan shark a lot of money, so if Austin cuts and runs, it'll spell trouble for Munro.  What a dilemma, huh?



This one started off as a good one with some bad parts, but devolved into a bad one with some good parts, which makes it ultimately a bust for me.  The crux of the problem was in the degree to which Austin's character was written as unlikable, and Dolph's was so awesome.  When they have their inevitable clash at the end, this creates a major Destro Effect, and no amount of canned, stock triumphant music playing as Austin bests Dolph can overcome the previous 90 minutes of Dolph being so fantastic.  Austin's character had his moments, but was pretty much this boring one-note, awe shucks, down-to-earth, blue collar guy, whose bad ass moments weren't always that bad ass.  What a waste, because we know from years of WWE work that he's plenty capable of plenty of bad assery and natural charisma, both of which were stymied.  The plot twist at the end was a waste as well, not to mention we find out that the guys that want the package from Dolph only want it so they can leverage money from him for it, meaning it's not a big deal if they win-- another bad plot device.  We had some great action moments, but we also had some boring non-action ones of Austin talking with his wife that went nowhere, or talking with his boss that also went nowhere.  Just give me a good action movie and cut out the rest of the bullshit, that's all I ask for, but it seems too hard to deliver.

Let's start with Dolph, because he's the man in this.  Another major flaw in the writing was how much fun Dolph's scenes were, even the ones where he wasn't fighting, which, when juxtaposed with the lifeless ones Austin was stuck with, again made Dolph look that much better.  The fight between he and Austin at the end had its moments, but at the same time, was filled with plot convenience theater, because throughout the film we're given Dolph as this superior, well-trained, experienced fighter, yet on two occasions he commits real boneheaded mistakes that allows Austin to get the upper hand.  It's almost like the Superman problem, where they made him so powerful, they had to invent kryptonite to make him vulnerable.  I guess here they made Dolph so awesome they had to resort to plot convenience theater.



As much as we love Dolph, Austin's character was the key, and I think if we go back to what made him so successful in wrestling, we can see why his character was doomed to fail before Austin even saw the script.  Austin revolutionized the WWE by being the first real heel that fans really rooted for.  It's one thing to go from heel to hero and back, but with Austin, he was the bad guy, but people were rooting for him anyway.  Vince McMahon saw what this meant and went with it, to large success, because Austin became one of the biggest stars ever.  What this movie did though, was go in the reverse of what McMahon and Austin did, and decided to keep the hero vanilla and one-note, and ignore everything great that Austin brings to the table, ultimately to the film's detriment.  We had one scene in the beginning where he seems great, and that devolves into a scene with his boss that's just bad dialog.  Then there was the one with Austin and Trimble, which was one of my favorite scenes in the movie.  First we have some great banter between the two-- one of the few moments we see that great side of Austin--, followed by a great fight.  We needed more of this.  Instead we had a lot of that blah dialog that wasn't Austin, and didn't feel right-- which then made the moments when he had great lines seem out of place with his character.  Even the bad assness had its flaws, like when Austin, tied to a chair, headbutts a guy in the nose and kills him.  What?  You stole that from The Last Boy scout, are you kidding me?  Austin is plenty bad ass himself, he doesn't need second-hand bad assery.  And don't get me started on the silly scene of Austin running away that was sauteed in wrong sauce.

I'm not sure I understand why Darren Shahlavi doesn't have more parts, and more big parts.  Maybe because he's not a big name, but I'd like to see him as the lead in some DTV flicks, or maybe a buddy picture with him and Scott Adkins, just tearing it up.  He gets in these things, and gets maybe one good fight scene, and that's it.  We haven't seen anything to rival his part in Bloodmoon, but hopefully that will change.  Jerry Trimble was a pleasant surprise, because often when we see him in new stuff, he's barely got a cameo, so to see him have a legitimate part with a great fight against Austin was pretty sweet.  No amazingness along the lines of Live by the Fist, but very little is.



Finally, in another case of missed opportunities, Monique Ganderton played a member of Shahlavi's gang, and she has this one sweet scene where she throws this guy in a triangle choke, and kills him.  Where was that the whole movie?  And then she devolves into just "I'm an expert at torture, and I'm going to get close to torturing you Steve Austin without doing it for ten minutes, before you take me out." How could you have had this woman in the movie so long without using her skills, then waste them so casually?

Ugh, I need to stop, or I'll turn this into the worst movie ever.  It's not the worst ever, but it's not exactly good either, and not anywhere near as good as it could've been considering the talent we had.  I know action movies aren't as easy to write as they seem, and I know things happen throughout the production process that can derail even the best-intentioned movie, but that doesn't change the fact that this was a major disappointment.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1884457/

Tactical Force (2011)

I keep wanting to call this Tactical Assault, the fighter pilot flick starring Robert Patrick and DTVC Hall of Famer Rutger Hauer. This is not that, it's Tactical Force, a new actioner starring Stone Cold Steve Austin and DTVC favorite Michael Jai White. It took me a while to get it from Netflix, but it's here finally, so let's see how it did.

Tactical Force has Austin as the head of a SWAT team in LA, featuring White, Lexa Doig, and Steve Bacic. Their tactics are a little aggressive, so they're sent out to some hanger in Big Bear to do some training. Problem is, two gangs are after a piece of property hidden in that hanger, and just happened to be there to get it when our team shows up. Now they're trapped with two sets of bloodthirsty criminals after them, and only training rounds in their guns. Will they make it out alive?



This was okay. Great action, solid story, and excellent performances from Austin and White, including some solid fight scenes with Darren Shahlavi and Keith Jardine (the latter I'm assuming was told by the director to pretend he'd just drank sour milk, because that was the only expression he had on his face for the entire film). So you're probably asking me, why is this only okay with all of these great attributes? One guess. Yep, bad gimmicky editing. The transitions from scene to scene, with the "whoosh" sound effect and blurred screen was annoying, but I could've looked past that. The snapshot effect within a scene, where we'd hear a "poof", and the screen would go black then move ahead a frame, irked me, but only so much. Then it gets really bad. Earthquake effects when Austin fought people. Really? Earthquake effects? Why not just go with the Batman "Pow!" "Boom!" "Zoink!"? Really, who thinks that's a good idea? Then there was this constant jumping effect between action that was supposed to be happening at parallel moments. I get what they're trying to do there, but what happens is we lose the rhythm of both. This was especially egregious when they did it for the White/Darren Shahlavi fight, because that would've been pretty sweet, and instead it was butchered. I guess the question is, and I think I've asked this a lot: is this what we have to settle for in modern DTV action? Movies that would've been great in the late 80s/early 90s reduced to a mess of gimmicky editing ruining all the fun and entertainment value? Please, someone out there, just go back to the Cannon and PM Entertainment catalogs and tell me how many of those used earthquake effects or butchered their best fight scenes with jumpcuts? Exactly. I'm begging you, modern DTV action movie maker, stop ruining my favorite movie genre.

This was the Stone Cold Steve Austin role we've been looking for. No, it's not exactly him riding around on a motorcycle, crushing beers and Stone Cold Stunning stuntmen-- that would be the ultimate-- but this one more than any of his recent DTV flicks played to his strengths as an offbeat and charismatic action lead. This was why we loved him in the WWF/WWE, because he was so cool to watch. We don't need the brooding hero with a past, and this movie understood that and didn't drag us there. Really great stuff, and I hope we get more of this style in the future.



As good was Michael Jai White. He takes something of a backseat to Austin-- and now that you mention it, he and Austin both take back seats to all the bad guys as far as screentime, which isn't a great formula for success, but whatever. Hopefully a role in something like this will get him out there more so we can see him as the lead in more films, because Black Dynamite and Blood and Bone were both far superior to this. Michael Jai White is not a supporting player, he's the lead.

Darren Shahlavi has a really weird role in this. He's like an Italian or something, and he affects this Brooklyn accent or something, and is supposed to be like a dumb henchman or something to this really annoying douchey guy-- that's also from England in real life. Why not have them both speak in fast talking British accents? And have them play off each other instead of making the one guy (Adrian Holmes) be a douchey American style gangster that's been done to death-- and very poorly to death too. Why not make these guys cool when you have the opportunity? You did a good job with Austin and White. Here's the rule: British, Irish, or Australian accents are always cooler than poorly affected Brooklyn or American Ebonics accents.



Finally, I'm wondering if I shouldn't charge Pepsi for advertising on this site, because it seems like all the movies I watch lately have heavy-duty Pepsi product placement. As I said in the Cobra post, I wish Pepsi would pull all their horrible TV advertising and replace it with cool product placement like this. I don't actually drink soda that often anymore, but when I do, I'm more of a Coke guy. I'd be willing to change though Pepsi, if the price were right...

As I said above, this one was okay, but it's an okay that should've been amazing, but again, the modern DTV action tendency to over edit and go all MTV on us killed another one. Maybe someday the pendulum will swing back to solid action that focuses on good, mindless substance, over tacky, hard to watch non-style. We've seen a lot worse, but this could've been a lot better.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1458915/

Alien Agent (2007)

I've had this one in my queue for a little while, kind of on the back-burner, but when the movies above it weren't available, this jumped up the list and into my mailbox-- outta my dreams and into my car. This was also reviewed by Cool Target Action Reviews, which you can check out if you want to compare notes.

Alien Agent is about a race of aliens far away whose planet is dying. Some bad elements have decided that Earth wouldn't make a bad substitute, and they want us off of it. Mark Dacascos is a good guy alien sent by his people to stop them. The pocket he's currently fighting involve a hot TV commercial actress and Billy Zane, looking to use the expertise of Renfro-esque Earthling Kim Coates to create a portal in rural Oregon that will beam all their buddies over here for the invasion. In the process of stopping them, Dacascos befriends a young girl who wants to know him Biblically, and while Dacascos thinks that's inappropriate, he likes her company.



This felt like it should've been a syndicated sci-fi action series from the late 90s/early 2000s, and there is some basis for that, because it was meant to be a film in 2001 starring Dolph Lundgren (check out Dolph-Ultimate for a blow-by-blow of what happened), but some aspects of it were deemed off-color in the wake of 9/11, and from there the project sat, until 2007. It starts off really sweet with great action, but then it becomes run-of-the-mill when it really had no business doing so. Billy Zane was a great baddie, but he's barely used. Dacascos has a few great fights, but they're so few and far between that it's a miss too-- a really great one with Darren Shahlavi to start with was not exactly a sign of things to come. I don't know, it wasn't horrible, but it could've been so much better. It's almost as if, with the project sitting for so long, they forced it out there more than they made it.

Dacascos turns in a solid performance, and his great fight with Shahlavi, plus another one with Pit Fighter's Dominiquie Vandenberg, reminded us of his great skills. On the other hand, he spent more time in a car or in a hotel room talking to the young girl. That's an area where syndicated TV show would've been better than 90 minute movie, because too much time is devoted to cramming in all this alien backstory that weighs things down. Problem is, by the times this was made, 2007, the syndicated TV market had dried up, with only the brave Legend of the Seeker making an attempt to buck the trend.



But while Dacascos was great though slightly underutilized, Billy Zane was great and totally underutilized. It was almost like what's the point of casting him? He was such an amazing baddie, really nonchalant and sarcastic-- very Billy Zane in Titanic actually (and don't fill up this comment sheet with how much you hated Titanic, I wasn't a fan either). There were a lot of scenes with the TV commercial actress and either Kim Coates, or no one, that could've been great scenes with Zane and either Kim Coates or the TV commercial actress. As much as a great hero makes a movie, so does a great baddie, and while this had one, they didn't use him enough.

The TV commercial actress is named Amelia Cooke, and she played Zane's second in command. Seriously, she's been in like 30 different ad campaigns here in the States, though she doesn't have the black hair she does here. She was really good, it was just odd that there was more of her than Billy Zane. The other female part, the young girl traveling with Dacascos, was played by Kiwi Emma Lahana. She's much older than the character she played, so it's okay to think she's hot. Usually her type of character-- the tag-along to the main hero-- is very annoying, but she was pretty good too, which is a rarity in a movie like this. According to imdb, she's on a TV show on ABC Family, plus I remember her from an episode of Psych.



That looks like Mt. Hood, though this was shot in British Columbia, so they must've used a file photo. This marks an official entry for Oregon in our 50 States of DTV page. I have been to Oregon before, visiting Portland for the day while I was seeing my sister in Seattle. I've heard that the Black Velvet Painting Museum has closed, which sucks, because that would be my vote for coolest thing to do in Portland. Voodoo Doughnuts would be next in line, so if you're ever there, I'd go check it out and grab a frosted dipped in Fruit Loops, or a maple frosted with bacon on it.

As far as Alien Agent goes, nothing special, more like a syndicated TV show ten years too late. Usually nothing special wouldn't be too bad, but here, with missed opportunities like Billy Zane as the baddie, nothing special becomes a waste of something that could've been really fun. It's available on DVD from Netflix, but is probably only for Dacascos completists.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0820466/

Born to Raise Hell (2010)

I've been waiting to sink my teeth into this dirty SOB for sometime now, and like the dude at the table whose order was screwed up, I waited impatiently as our buddies over at Explosive Action and Straight to DVD Heaven--taking advantage of the fact that this was released in the UK well before we got it over here--enjoyed their meal, paid their bill, tipped their waitresses, and were already out the door before the cook even fired mine off. Those Brits and Aussies with their Region 2 DVDs have all the fun.

Born to Raise Hell has DTVC Hall of Famer Steven Seagal as an international DEA agent working in Bucharest named Samuel Axel (Foley?). Somehow he's put in the path of evil drug dealing and lady raping and killing baddie Darren Shahlavi. Having trouble getting Shahlavi, he twists the arm of a local Russian mobster, and despite the fact that this guy deals enough coke to make Scarface jealous, and has one of his lady's cut off Shahlavi's girl's ears with a pair of garden shears, somehow this guy is all right in Seagal's book because both he and Seagal want to take down Shahlavi. Add bad MTV video effects and edits, then end scene.

You know what? This one was close--rather, it should've been there, and other than the silly effects, getting onto the hour mark, I thought it was going to get there. But with those silly effects, I knew they were trying to cover up some major short comings, so I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and boy did it ever. In a sad and muddled attempt to take what was otherwise silly and try to make it dark, we have the ear cutting off scene. Really? And then, to have a guy do this, only for him to team up with Seagal and get away with everything else he's done, wow. This had so much potential too. It had some of the better Seagal fight scenes I've seen in his newer stuff, and for the first 60 minutes, the story was pretty sweet too--if Seagal as an international DEA agent named Sam Axel is your idea of sweet, and it's definitely mine. It just feels like these modern DTV flicks don't know when enough is enough. It's like they go to the butcher shop, buy a $30 steak, then throw it in the deep fryer. Dude, just poor a little salt on it, and toss it on the grill. If it worked in the 80s and 90s, it works now.

I mean it when I say this was some of Seagal's better recent stuff. He did some great ass kicking, and they actually didn't over edit it, which was refreshing. (No idea why they over edited so many other scenes--steak in the deep fryer again.) The guy just turned 60 a few weeks ago, which is insane, but for him to be nearing that age and do a film with some of his better fight scenes, shows that he could be doing this for a little while longer, which is fine with us. Here's to hoping he's solid in his next flick too.

The one big role Darren Shahlavi has had was in a DTVC favorite, Bloodmoon, also starring Gary Daniels. He plays a baddie here, and he was pretty sweet as well. The problem was, they made him into a Russian with a bad accent. Why? The guy is of Persian ancestry, why not let him use his natural English accent, and have his character be called "The Persian"? That's the problem with these movies, they think they're so cool, but they aren't, not even close. Instead of worrying about how you can graft in a scene of a chick getting her ears cut off with gardening sheers in order to make it fake dark, why not try going back to the traditions these films came from and making something we can enjoy. Also, Shahlavi is a great martial artist, and he barely gets any scenes to showcase that. Huh? I can understand if Seagal is getting up there in age and you don't want the one with him at the end to be too knock-down-drag-'em-out, but there are plenty of Romanians out there you could throw in his path for a few scenes, I don't know, maybe have some dudes start trouble at his club. Please, help me out, throw me a bone for Christ's sake.

Is it just me, or is there an abundance of hot women in Romania in short skirts and big black boots. This movie has all kinds too, hot women as drug mules, hot women serving drinks, hot women assassins, hot women drinking beer naked while watching guys play video games. Probably the prettiest one is the one who meets a bad end at the hands of Darren Shahlavi early in the film. Her rape and murder was one of the few scenes where the MTV edits actually made sense. That's a spot where you want to distort the image and take some of the edge off, while at the same time show us how evil Shahlavi is. When you have a good scene, where your cinematographer actually got you a good shot, is where you want to put a lid on that shit. Seriously, we all have these nice TVs and Blu-Ray players so we can actually see the movie. Again, steak in the deep fryer.

Silly bands at the stash pad? They look like it, don't they? "Seriously Sal, you brought Silly Bands to wrap the cash with? You moron!" "Hey, Vic, whatcha problem, huh? My kids love them shits. It was dark this mornin' when you came and got me. I musta grabbed the wrong thing. It was an honest mistake..." An honest mistake, which is more than I can say for this movie.

For the first hour, other than that bad MTV edit crap, which does die down some as the film goes on, this wasn't a bad flick. But it threw the steak in the deep fryer, and the whole thing turned into a muddled mess from there. Is a 90 minute solid DTV actioner without silly bad music video edits and without a chick getting her ears cut off too much to ask for? Apparently it is in 2011.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1528718/

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Guaranteed Overnight Delivery aka GOD (2001)

This is one I've been wanting to do for a long time. In part because it's a Gruner flick, and in part because it's got Jalal Mehri in an actual action role. Sure, he was in the two Circuit films, but he just sat behind a desk. Now we got him on his feet and kicking ass.

Guaranteed Overnight Delivery is about a bank security guard, Jalal Mehri, who is unhappy about his job because he used to be a police sergeant in his native India. Anyway, there's a bank heist, and he loses his job for it-- not for the shootout he set off by trying to be the hero, but because he didn't guard the bank (how can you not love the twisted logic of action movies?) Anyway, his wife died in the shootout while bringing him his lunch, so now Mehri is down and out and living out of his franchised delivery truck. Things change, though, when some white slavers decide it would be a great idea to have him deliver a woman in a trunk to a buyer. Sure, I can't imagine she'd make any noise and Mehri would find out. He did, but he can't go to the cops because he needs the money, so they have to confront her kidnappers.



This could've been a little better. Gruner could've fought more. I would've liked more Darren Shahlavi, considering how great he was in Bloodmoon. They would've elevated the level of the fight scenes. The plot was beyond ridiculous, but that may have been to its benefit. Why wouldn't a trained police officer initiate a shootout with crooks on a crowded street? Though if Mehri's character was supposed to be from India, that would make more sense. The cops are probably trained to "accidentally" shoot the untouchables. Then the premise of sending a kidnapped woman to her white slaver in a trunk via a delivery service just seems like a perfect idea. I mean, I'm not in the business of kidnapping, but I have to figure as few people involved the better, right?

Olivier Gruner has about 12 movies between when this came out and now, and only about half of them are available to Americans right now. One of them, Blizhiny Boy: The Ultimate Fighter, has Busey, Bolo Yeung, Eric Roberts, David Carradine, and Cary Tagawa. How do we not get a film like that? Who is in charge of releasing films in the US? According to someone posting on imdb, the production ran out of money and couldn't afford to pay the extras, and that's that. Awesome. As far as GOD goes, Gruner doesn't fight much at all, which is a waste of him. Even his final fight with Mehri was kind of lackluster. He should've been paired up with Darren Shahlavi-- that would've been a sweet fight scene. Perhaps this wasn't the best film to cover for Gruner's induction week. My bad.



I haven't done much with Jalal Mehri, which I know is an oversight on my part. Unfortunately, a lot of what he's done isn't on DVD. He's more of a director and producer than actor, with a lot of his credits coming in small roles, so a film like this where he's the hero is a rarity. I really want to get into his collaborations with Billy Blanks, someone else I should be including on here more, huh?

Anyone who's seen Bloodmoon knows how good Darren Shahlavi is, and for the one scene he had here with Mehri he was good too. Why then does he have all these bit parts, like he did in GOD, instead of more starring roles, like Bloodmoon. I have a film he did with Mark Dacascos in it called Alien Agent in my queue. Might be a good next place to go to see if there's more Shahlavi out there.



While on the run from Gruner's men, Mehri goes to a B&B owned by an old friend, and that old friend is the awesomest guy ever. I've never seen anything like it. This fat, obnoxious bad guy shoots him in the stomach, obviously because he couldn't handle the guy's amazing awesomeness. I just wish there were more guys like this in movies. I mean, look at that picture above. Is that not awesome personified. By the way, I don't know how many of my readers saw the Patriots/Dolphins game last Sunday, but Dan Dierdorf called every player [insert character trait here] personified. "He is [toughness] personified." "When you see [resilience] in the dictionary, his picture's there." "The quintessential [football] player." I know you got three hours (an hour and a half minus commercials) to fill, but there's a point when the hyperbole becomes stale. Sorry Dan, but you're bad announcer personified... Oh Snap!

Check this one out, it's pretty funny. The action could've been better, especially with the talent involved, but it was good enough. Throw in a ludicrous plot concept, and you're well on your way to a laugh fest. Oh yeah, and there's also the awesomest man of all time.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0225828/

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)

This was supposed to be the box office bomb from two Fridays ago, but between being sick and my trip to visit friends in Mass, I fell a little behind. It worked out, though, because I was able to watch this with my buddy and his wife, and she's a huge Lord of the Rings fan, which gave me a better context to put the movie in. I'm not sure if you noticed, but I'm not huge on the fantasy genre, though I hear the chicks dress pretty hot at the conventions.

In the Name of the King is an Uwe Boll film with Jason Statham as Farmer, a dude whose wife is captured and son and in-laws are killed by gross demon characters controlled by Ray Liotta. His king, Burt Reynolds, wants to conscript him, his brother in-law, and Ron Perlman, but they'll have none of it, and want to take on Liotta's army on their own. What they don't know is Liotta is working with Reynolds' conniving nephew, the always annoying Matthew Lillard, and is seducing the king's magus' daughter (John Rhys-Davies and Leelee Sobieski respectively). The kingdom's only hope lies in the hands of this Farmer and his magical boomerang.



This was a pretty fun deal. It sucked that it was two-and-a-half hours long, that was the biggest complaint-- and obviously no one is meant to take it all that seriously-- but for me and my buddy, it was a pretty solid nonstop laugh fest. Statham was great as a fighter named farmer. Who comes up with that? It's great. Even better, he was raised from a boy by Ron Perlman. Of course he would be. And who else would you want as your king? Or your evil sorcerer? Again, the story was a little long, but it was much easier to take than a Lord of the Rings or Dungeon and Dragons movie. Fantasy has a certain place in the movie industry: done by German directors making the crappiest big budget movies possible to take advantage of a German tax loophole for film makers.

That's right, according to his Wikipedia entry, Uwe Boll has gotten funding for movies like this ($60 million budget) by using a German tax loophole that, until it was amended in 2005, allowed investors to write off 100% of funding for a movie, and also to write off fees associated with borrowing additional money for it. So despite the fact that this movie made about $10 million worldwide, his investors were able to get a good chunk of that money lost back. It kind of sucks that Germany's no longer subsidizing Uwe Boll's ridiculous video game movies. The result was the much less fun DTV BloodRayne 2, which I reviewed back in 2007 I believe.



This is the third Jason Statham film we've done at the DTVC. I think out of all the new crop of action stars, he's the best bet to carry the torch. My friend and I were looking at how long gone are the days of Terminator 2 and True Lies. The question is, what's next? I think Statham's newer, slimmed down, more sophisticated version is probably the best option. I do like Vin Diesel, despite what most of my friends think, but he allowed Paul Walker to outcool him in Fast and Furious, and that should never happen. Throw in that Crank: High Voltage was pretty cool, and I think it's unanimous that Statham is our current biggest action star, and he was as fun to watch in this as he was in anything else.

This is also the second movie we've reviewed with Statham and Liotta (Revolver). At one point I quoted the beginning of Goodfellas, and my friend was like "Oh my God, don't remind me he did such a good movie." I've found the best thing to do when faced with a Ray Liotta sighting in a bad movie is to sing "Rah-Rah-Rah-Ray Liotta" to the tune of The Knack's "My Sherona." What was great about him was he didn't try to affect an English accent for the role. Good for him.



Most people know that I'm pretty tough on The Lord of the Rings movies, books, etc. I guess I just don't get it. I don't get talking trees, and I don't get how talking trees are any different from Painkiller Jane in this movie leading a clan of swinging tree women with magical vines. I understand that Tolken begot a fair amount of fantasy stuff that came after, but I guess the question is, why does that matter? The Middle Ages sucked ass-- it's a historical fact. Why would anyone want to glorify that? I get it Tolken, you were upset that the lower classes in England were being elevated by social reforms, and you thought it would bring about the downfall of civilization, and you longed for the times when everyone knew their place and did what they were born to do. I guess I'm just too American, and I think by virtue of my being born poor I'm good for more than just neck tattoos and bunch of kids born to a bunch of different moms. Maybe it's just me.

All right, now that I'm safely off my soapbox, I'll wrap this review up. Rent it. You'll love it. The length is the only real issue, so just be ready to have a bunch of friends and your A material, and you should be fine.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0460780/

Bloodmoon (1997)

I had this movie buried in my Netflix queue for who knows how long. After I put up No Tomorrow, one of my readers, elementarybeatboxoperator (listed in the Followers section of the blog), mentioned this and White Tiger as two great Daniels films. I went to Amazon for them, and saw them on VHS, and figured that was how I'd get them. Then for whatever reason I was looking up other Daniels movies on Netflix, and saw that they not only had both films, but that I'd also already added them to my queue. To give you an idea, my queue is 267 movies long. Maybe I should do something about that.

Bloodmoon has a serial killer in NYC killing people who are good at fighting. A dude pretending to be Eddie Murphy is on the case, but his boss, Frank Gorshin, thinks he should call in serial killer expert Gary Daniels. Luckily for everyone involved, Daniels is more of a martial arts expert than serial killer expert, because A: it takes him forever to track the killer, leaving more time to kick people's asses; and B: we'd have a horrible ending if Daniels couldn't fight the baddie.



This is pretty sweet. The fighting is actually pretty good. That's the serious critique. Beyond that, this thing plays out like a Troma film, from the close-ups, to the gross fat guy of a computer nerd, to the Willmington, DE that looks more like the Hoboken Troma usually uses for their NYC. There were scenes where Daniels and his wannabe Eddie Murphy would flip over things to get to their destination, and I'd be like "why would you do that?" Then there's the bad guy's costume. I probably should've gotten an image of it, but I forgot. This is a great mix of silliness and solid martial arts work. Not a bad deal.

I've always loved Gary Daniels, and I don't know why it's taken me so long to get more of his films up here. Maybe I was too busy focusing on Seagal and Lundgren films. Whatever the reason, Daniels is a force from off the chain, and he needs more recognition. Call this the Summer of Daniels, as I try to remedy the dearth of posts of movies with him in them. One film I need to get my hands on is Heatseeker, which was directed by Albert Pyun. I see it on Amazon for like $3 (which is $6 after shipping), which is probably my best bet. I wish there was a Netflix that specialized in VHS movies so I wouldn't have to by crappy used copies of all the films I want that aren't on DVD yet.



I kind of liked the Eddie Murphy wannabe in this. He did a pretty solid impression. He was almost a dead on Axel Foley. According to imdb, there's talk of a fourth Beverly Hills Cop. I kind of like that, if they don't decide to make it absurd like the fourth Die Hard. I was surprised to find out that Eddie Murphy is not only an Aries, being born on April 3, 1961, but that he's ten years younger than Steven Seagal. It's just hard to imagine that Seagal will be sixty soon. Is imdb right? Was Seagal really born in 1951?

The baddie was played by a dude named Darren Shahlavi. He was a pretty solid fighter, and he's been in a fair amount of stuff, including I Spy. I wonder if early in his career, when he made this movie, he said "Someday I'll be big enough to act in a movie with the real Eddie Murphy", and then 5 years later, when he was on the I Spy set, he was on screen with Eddie Murphy, and he took a moment to take it all in and thought "I really made it." I say good for you, Darren Shahlavi.



Almost two months ago I did a Miles O'Keefe film called Moving Target and forgot it had Burt Ward in it, partially because I didn't recognize him. I made sure I wouldn't make that mistake again, so when this movie had Frank Gorshin, I was all over it. I think the old Batman TV series is my all time favorite show. I know everyone liked that new Dark Knight thing, and Jack was good as the Joker in Batman, but nothing can really get down to the essence of what Batman was all about like the TV show from the 60s. Where was Cesar Romero's Best Supporting Actor Oscar in 1966 for that Batman movie, huh? (Oh yeah, I'm sure this is getting old, but Frank Gorshin is another Aries, born April 5, 1933-- only five years before Bolo Yeung!)

Bloodmoon is a definite. Great martial arts action, coupled with so much silliness you and your friends will have no trouble making fun of it. Throw this on your Netflix queue and have your buddies over for a bad movie night.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118745/