Do or Die (1991)

As we continue in our goal of getting all of Andy Sidaris's LETHAL Ladies films on the site, we have this entry from 1991, which has the distinction of being the only one from Hard Ticket to Hawaii on to not feature the great Rodrigo Obregon. Somehow we'll make it through, and with Pat Morita, James Lew, and Erik Estrada in the cast, that always helps.

Do or Die has Pat Morita as evil villain Kaneshiro, "Kane" for short, who is not happy that our heroes Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez keep disrupting his criminal plans in previous outings. So when he corners them outside a charity luau, you'd think he'd just kill them and call it good. But then we wouldn't have a movie, so instead he has one of his goons, James Lew, attach a tracker to Speir's watch, they send the ladies on their way, and then he has six pairs of mercenaries that will each go out to kill them. Why not send them all out at once so they win with their superior numbers? Again, if they did, we wouldn't have a movie, so they go two-by-two, while Speir and Vasquez round up the gang, including a newly minted hero Erik Estrada, and they head down to Dallas and Louisiana to draw out the baddies and take them down.

As an entry in this series, this may be one of the weaker ones, but the floor on this series is so high that that still makes this better than most DTV actioners you'll watch, especially when taking the Pepsi Challenge with anything from the 2010s or 2020s. Morita is a fantastic villain, there's a good mix of action and boobs, and all the fun you'd want from one of these is there. Even if we don't have Obregon, we do have the rest of our favorites, including Bruce Penhall, Cynthia Brimhall, Michael Shane as our Abilene who can't shoot straight, Richard Bumiller as the smooth-talking agency man, and Richard Cansino and Chu Chu Malave as our bungling assassins. I think where this might be weaker, is the plot is a bit contrived--again, why is Morita not just killing them, but also, when we have the assassin teams, they're always outnumbered by our heroes, which could be a good statement on how a strong team--a "family" per se?--that sticks together can overcome pairs of baddies--but it felt off because it always felt like the baddies were at a disadvantage, which removed any element of peril. All that said, that just makes this a weaker entry for me, not a bad time overall, and this still delivers on the fun and entertainment you want from a Sidaris LETHAL Ladies film.

Another area where this had a bit of trouble is, when they made Erik Estrada a good guy, it was hard to parse him probably wanting it to be his film, and the fact that these should be Dona Speir's films. She does have her own showdown with one of Morita's baddies at the end without any help from Estrada, but he gets more of the big action scenes, which takes some away from her as the main lead. This is Speir's fifth film in the series, and even with Estrada getting some more scenes, there's also still the overarching sense that this is another one of Speir's films, and that's something that I feel like can't be understated. Recently I recorded a podcast on Olga Kurylenko with Will from Exploding Helicopter (episode 127, coming June 13th, so make sure to look for it!), and I think Kurylenko is probably above Speir in work as far as a female action lead, but Speir holds a special place as a woman in the late 80s/early 90s helming an action franchise when that wasn't being done by anyone else in the US other than Cynthia Rothrock--you may give me Linda Hamilton, but Michael Biehn is the lead for the first Terminator, and Arnold the second. The LETHAL Ladies films after Picasso Trigger are built around Dona Speir as the lead, and, again, I don't think that can be understated, and even with Estrada taking some of the limelight, there's still no question she's the lead. 

Erik Estrada is back, but instead of being his previous baddie self--who was blown up by Speir in the previous entry--he's now playing a new character. It's an interesting idea, especially as I'm looking at the Fast and Furious films as part of my DTVC Extra series that I'm running on the off fortnights where I don't have main podcast episodes. Vin Diesel's approach is to take villains and turn them into heroes in later films, which can be a stretch with someone like Statham's character where he's killing people close to them. What if they did it this way, if Statham just came back as a new character? It worked here, but could it work in something like the Fast and Furious franchise? Probably only for people who watch Sidaris films, right? This is it for him in the series though, which means it could be some time before we see him again here, but we'll see if we can't at least mix in some Light Blast or Night of the Wilding. As much as I say this should be Dona Speir's film, back in the 90s seeing his name on the bill when this was on cable would have been a big seller for me, and it was great that they were able to bring him back for a second film like this.

Going back to the Fast and Furious films, these films kind of follow a similar tract, two or three decades before Vin Diesel created the model. From Hard Ticket on, it's always about teams, working together to take down a horrible baddie, and while they may not be as culturally diverse as the crew in the Fast and Furious films, they were early in spotlighting females in lead roles--and actually unlike the Fast and Furious films where women are always supporting roles, this one goes from Speir as the lead to Julie Strain as the lead. And with this cast working on multiple films together, that sense of family bleeds through the same way Vin Diesel has it bleed through in the Fast and Furious ones. I'm sure if you asked Sidaris, he'd have loved to have had the budget Universal gives the Fast and Furious films, but based on the success of the LETHAL Ladies films, maybe when Fast Five came out we should've expected the series to be that successful too, because Diesel was working from Sidaris's playbook, only with more special effects and fewer boobs and buttockses.

Finally, I learned from this film that Dallas, TX and Shreveport, LA are less than 3 hours away from each other. It's one of those quirks about America, unless we've really been in an area for a period of time, we often don't think about how the states are connected in certain areas, or how far one place is from another. Like in my head, Dallas is further in the center of Texas, and I never think about the fact that Louisiana borders Texas, even though if you gave me a blank map of the US I could name both states and see that they border each other. It's a similar thing for me in Philadelphia, people often don't realize how close we are to New York City and Washington, DC--both cities are closer to me than Dallas is from Shreveport. This was not one of the ones that I saw when it came out--much later I saw it on TBS after 2am, that beautiful classic Sidaris opening credit sequence like comfort food for my alcohol soaked brain as I'm eating leftover junk food and trying to keep the room from spinning, I was in no position to question how the team could drive from Shereveport to Dallas so quickly--but had I seen it in middle school or high school, the geography lesson would have been invaluable. Who said Andy Sidaris films can't be educational?

And with that, let's wrap this up. As of this writing, you can catch this and all the other LETHAL Ladies films on Tubi here in the States. While it may be one of the weaker entries, it is still a lot of fun, and delivers in ways that a lot of modern films can't.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101744

And if you haven't yet, check out my new novel, Holtman Arms, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

Shadow Fury (2001)

Back in June I had Rich Hawes from DTV Digest on the pod to discuss this film. It's one's he's been a fan of for some time, and even asked me and Ty from Comeuppace if we'd ever consider doing it for our sites--which was a big reason why I suggested it to him as a topic for an episode he was guesting on. In addition to us, he's covered it on his old site, Have a Go Heroes, and Chris the Brain at Bulletproof has done this as well.

Shadow Fury has a group of scientists in the near future who have figured out how to clone a super soldier. One of them, Pat Morita, goes rogue, and creates a super samurai, Masakatsu Funaki. The others call in mercenary Sam Bottoms, an alcoholic in serious need of a new liver, which, it just so happens, Funaki is a perfect match, so if Bottoms takes him down his payment is Funaki's liver. As always though, things aren't as they seem, and when Bottoms discovers one of the other scientists, Allan Kolman, has created his own super soldier--first a young Taylor Lautner, later an adult Bas Rutten--he teams up with the last remaining other one, Alexandra Kamp, and Funaki, to take him down.

This movie was a lot of fun. It borrows from a lot of traditions, the two biggest being the lone gunman in the Western with Bottoms, and the ronin, or masterless samurai with Funaki. The director is Makoto Yokoyama, who was part of the Alpha Stunt team responsible for the Power Rangers movies that Isaac Florentine was also a part of, and more notably, the late 90s Mark Dacascos classic Drive. While this isn't quite at the Drive or Florentine actioner level, it still delivers enough in its fight scenes to elevate it beyond the limitations of its budget. Beyond that, we have really fun performances from Bottoms, Funaki, Fred Williamson, Morita, and Kamp. Also, as Chris the Brain at Bulletproof said, how many movies can you see where Taylor Lautner grows up to be Bas Rutten?

Usually we start with the film's one Hall of Famer, but because Williamson's part was smaller, I figured I'd go with Sam Bottoms first. What's interesting about him in this is when we last had Rich on the podcast, we discussed Total Force and Absolute Force, which starred his brother and Bush 43 lookalike Timothy. What Sam does here with this part is he plays up the lone gun for hire part really well, making him both dark and brooding, and a hero with a sense of humor at the same time. You can see your classic Clint Eastwood hero in him, but also someone like a Richard Boone in Have Gun Will Travel. You wouldn't expect Sam Bottoms in the lead to work in an action film, but because he got what Yokoyama was going for with the character, he was able to draw on that tradition in a way that made this work even better than I think Yokoyama was hoping for. When we're watching low budget movies like this, often it's that kind of thing that's needed to elevate the material beyond its limitations, and Bottoms does that for us with his performance.

From there we have Masakatsu Funaki as the ronin figure, who loses his master, Pat Morita, early on, and from there is on his journey to find his purpose. He gets that in a lady of the night that he saves from her pimp, Cassandra Grae--who didn't do much beyond this film. Usually that construct of the hero saving the lady of the night is a worn trope--especially in those Seagal-type films where it's saving a pretty Eastern European lady from human trafficking and she falls in love with the hero--but here it works to not only underscore this drive for purpose Funaki's character has, but also the drive to discover his humanity. He's part masterless ronin and part Frankenstein, and with Grae's character, we as the audience can join Funaki as he leans into both aspects of himself. On top of that, as an MMA fighter, he does great in the action sequences, but I don't know how well it would've worked if he hadn't leaned into those other aspects of the character the way he did. Like Bottoms, his approach added elements to the film that further elevated it beyond its budgetary constraints.

Because his part was so limited, we're waiting for this moment to finally discuss our film's one Hall of Famer, the great Fred Williamson. He plays the Machine Gun Joe type who provides Bottoms with the weapons he needs in a back room of the bar he runs--which works out for the alcoholic Bottoms, he can get his drinks and his tools of the trade. This is now 26 for Williamson, which puts us that much closer to the 30 Club for him, probably something we'll hit next year. While I prefer him as a lead, seeing him in a small part like this is also fun too, and for a lot of the names that have the bigger numbers here, parts like this help get that tag number up to get him into those more exclusive clubs--though when you look at Dolph and Daniels, our two with the most tags, they don't have many supporting role films. The other thing I've noticed is, when I look at his IMDb bio, there aren't a lot of films from this period of his that I'm missing, it's a lot more of the hit or miss variety in the 2010s, or his 80s stuff that I can't always find. That's one difference between him and Dolph or Daniels, is there is a lot of Williamson stuff out there that's either hard to get, or maybe even impossible to get. I think that's another reason why he's fallen behind some of the other bigger names, but hopefully we'll rectify that over the next year and get that tag count up higher.

Finally, in trying to think of what the last paragraph should be here, one thing that stood out was how much Bottoms was drinking, despite being on the liver transplant list. In real life, there's a zero tolerance policy when it comes to that. It might not be common knowledge--I only found out when a close family friend was in that situation in the late 90s, and then it came up again recently when I was watching Scrubs with my wife. It makes sense, right? There are only so many livers to go around, why give it to someone who may just destroy that one through drinking too. Just the same, it would've made for a better plot device here, the idea that Bottoms's character can't get a transplant because he won't stop drinking, but these scientists offer to do it for him anyway with Funaki's. 

And with that, let's wrap this up. As you can see from the quality of my screens, this is only available on YouTube, and it's not the best transfer--even if it does say it's high-def. I think a movie like this could use a nice Blu-ray, so hopefully that'll happen soon, or at the very least a better quality version on a major streaming site. Until then, YouTube is your best bet, and I think this is a fun enough actioner from the early 2000s, which overall wasn't as great a time for this kind of thing. And if you want to hear more about Shadow Fury, check out the DTVC Podcast, episode 102 from back in June that I did with Rich from DTV Digest.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0288215

And if you haven't yet, check out my new novel, Holtman Arms, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

Miracle Beach (1992)

This is another of the Netflix Dump 8, which I chose because it stars one of my all time favorites, Dean Cameron aka Chainsaw from Summer School, aka Dave Marshak from Ski School and Ski School 2.  I love seeing this guy in anything possible, so this was a must.  It also starred Ami Dolenz, Pat Morita, Martin Mull, and Vincent Schiavelli, making it all the more sweeter.  Let's see how it went.  Also, our friends over at BMovieChicks.com did this one too, so go over there and see what they said.

Miracle Beach stars Cameron as a down and out beach bum who catches his girl in bed with his boss, meaning he's fired, and two seconds later his landlord evicts him.  At the same time, Ami Dolenz lives in a world of genies-- yep, that kind of genies-- and she's sent to Earth to be someone's genie.  She and Cameron seem like a match made in heaven, and Cameron can't wait to use her omnipotence to change his fortunes.  He opens his own beach resort, chases the local hottie, gets said local hottie a gig with major Hollywood producer played by Martin Mull, and sets his two buddies up with a sweet situation at the resort with some bikini models.  But Dolenz is falling in love with Cameron-- can you blame her?-- and she starts to sabotage his dating of the local hottie, causing friction between the two.  Will Cameron discover his love for Dolenz before the genie review board puts her away in her bottle for good for meddling in her master's affairs?



Unfortunately this one was a disappointment for me.  I felt like Cameron was wasted.  This was not the Dave Marshak we wanted, and the genie aspect removed the best part of Cameron's characters: their resourcefulness.  It's always great watching him plan things, and then watching his elaborate plans come together.  The material also didn't give him many opportunities to be funny, which was too bad too, because we know how funny he is, and that's what we're watching an early 90s beach romp starring him in it for.  Dolenz was fun, and Morita, Mull, and Schiavelli were all great too-- as was Cameron despite how poorly his role used him--, but this suffered from the fact that the genie aspect didn't take off.  It still has some USA Up All Night nostalgia factor, so in that sense, it might work for some, it just didn't work for me.

The good romp involves a few factors.  First, charismatic characters.  We had it in Cameron, Dolenz, and Morita, but it lacked sorely in Cameron's two buddies.  They were just women chasing blah, no real personality, simply afterthoughts.  These guys make the film when they're good, and annoy the viewer when they're bad.  Second, adversity.  There need to be heels that need to be overcome.  Jerk ski instructors, asshole businessmen, etc.  Because we had the omnipotent genie aspect, heels had no pull in this.  Dean Cain has a small role as a potential heel, but he's gone immediately.  Without that tension, the script just plods along.  Finally, the lead needs room to be the lead.  He needs to be out there riffing and doing crazy stuff.  Having his genie give him things to impress a woman isn't enough.  This was a romp that lack in romp-iness.



A Dean Cameron Ami Dolenz Romantic Comedy is something that could've really worked though in a better scenario.  They had the chemistry, just not the material.  I don't know if the better setting would be Cameron wooing Dolenz, or if she were the other woman trying to make Cameron notice her, but in a classic 80s/90s romp paradigm, it would've been so much fun.  The thing is, why can't we see that now though?  What about a remake of Back to School, with Marshak as the billionaire who buys his way back to school, and Dolenz as the professor who has a thing for him, but doesn't know if she can take him seriously enough.  Bring Dean Cain back in too as the guy she's engaged to.  Seriously, how great would this movie be?

Unfortunately, Pat Morita won't be able to star in any remake, as he's no longer with us.  I loved seeing him here though as the beach bum that Cameron befriends and gives a job to at his resort.  Schiavelli played a local mystic, who may be more of a scam artist that has bitten off more than he can chew when Cameron shows up asking him about a magic lamp.  Martin Mull as the sleazy producer/director whom Cameron has the genie make into his old friend so he can introduce the local hottie to him was a lot of fun too-- we'll have him play the dean at the college Cameron attends, the Ned Beatty role.  Dean Cain was like an almost heel that never was, and is credited only as "Volleyball Player #1".  Seriously.  Finally, I totally missed this, but Alexis Arquette played one of Cameron's buddies, only as a dude.  I missed it so much, I didn't even get an image of her in it.  That's the problem with these Netflix dump kind of things, if I miss something, I can't go back and rectify it.



Finally, Dolenz has a scene where she's watching TV while Cameron is on a date.  Flipping through the channels, she finds a movie with DTVC favorites the Barbarian Brothers, and a basketball game featuring my Celtics and the LA Clippers.  Gary Grant himself appears on-screen, as Dolenz transports him to her living room so she can give him a pep talk, and send him back to the arena to take down my C's.  It was a great blast from the past, especially seeing my C's in better days-- though '91-'92 was when they were hoping McHale and Bird would be healthy enough for one more run, not unlike the current situation with my team.  Unlike my C's, the Clippers are finally a much better team, something that 20 years ago would've seemed impossible.

So this is a pass for me, unfortunately.  I wanted so much to like it, but ultimately the entire thing was sauteed in wrong sauce.  Hopefully that remake of Back to School with Cameron and Dolenz will be made, which will make up for what we didn't get here.  I'm not holding my breath for that though.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104879/

American Ninja V (1993)

This was recently placed on Netflix's Watch Instantly. I'd been meaning to get to it for a while, since I have all the others reviewed here, but other things keep popping up. Also, with David Bradley's performances in some of the other films we've done of him recently, I wasn't too excited about the prospect. Still, if this is the Direct to Video Connoisseur, then it needs to have all five American Ninjas on it, whether I like it or not.

American Ninja V has Bradley as a dude teaching martial arts in Key West, when his master, Pat Morita, makes him watch his 12-year-old nephew Hiro while he's away. Bradley also has a date, so he brings the boy along. As luck would have it, the date is the daughter of a scientist, and the bad guys decide to kidnap her so the scientist will do what they want. They kidnap her on the date, and Bradley chases after, the nephew not far behind. They stow away on a plane, track the girl down, Bradley teaches the boy the ways of the ninja, and they fight a James Lew whose dressed like M. Bison in drag, and save the day.



This had to be a comedy. Like more than American Ninja 2 was a comedy. I mean, as a comedy, it was pretty funny, if their goal was to spoof the previous American Ninja films. I don't even know where to begin, though. Maybe the bad guy guards. They were dressed in plain white T-shirts, billowy khaki shorts, and high tube socks. If it wasn't for the machine guns they were toting, I'd think they were taking a break from a nearby tech convention. Then you got James Lew in his outfit. Had it been purple with a purple mask, he'd be the Phantom Fireworks guy. The nephew was played by a somewhat annoying kid (Lee Reyes, who may or may not be related to Ernies Reyes jr.), but he would do all these things like drive a car or fly a plane, and the reactions were always like "Oh you," or "what're we gonna do with you, Hiro?" I'm not kidding either, he really would just drive cars and fly planes. Throw in all your average funny ninja stuff with none of the gore, and you've got a hilarious family ninja movie.

David Bradley's taken some heat here at the DTVC. There's the poor performance in American Ninja 3 that I gave him a mulligan on because it was his first starring role; and then the fanny pack in Cyborg Cop, which I definitely didn't give a mulligan on-- that was unforgivable. Just the same, I also gave him props for the amazing Hard Justice, one of the best DTV films of the 1990s. Here we get something in between, which I was okay with. His martial arts skills were solid, and his ability to do tongue and cheek was much improved from AN3 four years before. He was just a much more believable lead. I'm not sure what happened to him in 1997, which is the date imdb gives for his last movie, but that's it, 15 pictures in 8 short years, and he's gone.



This is the second film I've reviewed in a week which featured That Guy James Lew in a bigger role than just a hatchet man in a baddie's gang, the other being Circuit 3. He was definitely used better here than he was in that one. First, the mullet was in full effect, though often pulled back in the classic ape drape ponytail, you know, the kind that's really business in the front, and then, instead of party in the back, it's 80s hipster doofus. Gotta love that, but hold on cowboy, we're not done. Red gloves, red ninja outfit, and red cape. Yep, you guessed it, M. Bison's drag outfit. Again, this had to be a joke, because it was hilarious.

Most of these movies I review from the 80s and 90s have a nostalgia aspect, whether it's the clothes, hairdos, or Zack Morris cell phones. Usually it stops there, though, but not in American Ninja V. First, you got the nephew rocking the Miami Dolphins Starter jacket and hat. Classic. Then, he's playing the Game Gear. I forgot that existed! Now I want one really bad. The McDonald's they passed in the car chase looked modern, but the Doritos bag Bradley and the kid found was totally old school-- we're talking like Jay Leno commercials era... whoops, sorry, that's a bad name around here.... (The Game Gear image is above, and if you click on it or any other image in the post, it will take you to the image page, which has pics of the other things I mentioned above.)



One thing that was great about this was how Bradley fought different waves of ninjas through out, but each wave was a different color. The color didn't mean anything though, they didn't fight differently or better than any others, that just seemed to be how it was. Again, I think this was all done for the silliness of it more than anything, but coming from the Mortal Kombat school of ninjas, it was a little disappointing. Ninjas in different colors should all do different things. I found a website (http://www.mortalkombatonline/) that talks about the games, and I guess in some of the newer ones, the ninjas aren't all color swaps, they're actually given individual looks, which was a disappointment. Hopefully they'll make a new one that's all 2-D, with some of the classic characters, and myriad unlockable color-swapped ninjas. Maybe something downloadable for Wii Ware.

This movie isn't a bad deal, especially if you get it on Watch Instantly. It's funny-- whether intentional or not-- the martial arts is decent, and the action isn't bad. David Bradley turns in a redeemable performance, though not one that will allow us to forgive him for the fanny pack faux pas. It'll be interesting to see what we have next for him, but for right now, you could do a lot worse than see this one.

For more info:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106257/

King Cobra (1999)

This was a late night deal I did to battle a bout of insomnia. It didn't work out so well, in that I lasted through the whole thing. It drew my attention because it had the late Pat Morita and the even later Hoyt Axton. I'm also a fan of snake movies.

In King Cobra a poor man's Carrot Top (which if you do the math out, that would mean poor man's as in guy collecting bottles to buy a forty) goes over his boss's head in a lab experiment and things go horribly wrong, leading to an explosion and the creation of a 30-foot cross between a rattler and a King Cobra. As most of the beasts are wont to do, this one terrorizes a small town. As people die, the boss scientist comes looking for it. A doctor looking to leave town and his police officer girlfriend help the scientist, along with Pat Morita, resident herpetologist. The doctor is about as close as you can get to being Jonathan Silverman without actually being him. Anyway, more people die, before Morita has a last stand with the snake. Then he dies, and the police woman tries to kill it. Just as the cobra's about to bite her, the doctor drop kicks it (I'm not kidding), and the two stick it in some device that gases it. There's a special appearance by Erik Estrada.



This movie has a built in bad movie warning in the opening credits. The moment you read "Special Appearance by Erik Estrada", you either say to yourself "sweet", or you say "this looks dumb". I'm the kind of guy that says "sweet", and as such am not scared off by such warnings. I hope you the reader aren't either. As far as the appearance went, it was just Estrada overacting as a gay guy planning a beer festival that coincides with the snake's arrival. In my mind, the actual line in the opening credits telling us there'd be a special appearance was better than the actual appearance.

The snake was of great quality. Instead of going the CGI route that most of these bad monster films are going, this one went animatronic with stop motion animation. The result was a higher quality and funnier snake than the CGI ones. It's like the CGI monster is the sweatpants of the genre, and the film maker that uses it is just telling the world that he or she has given up. Well the people who made this one haven't given up... at least not yet.



Pat Morita is fantastic in this. At three or four in the morning, by myself, I was laughing out loud at the end where he had goggles on, and was wavering as the snake kept biting him. It almost as if the animatronic snake was making an expression of "will you just die already." He just looked so silly, especially with the goggles. I guess the idea was that his blood had lots of anti-venom, so the snake had to bite him a lot. Either that, or they needed to pad the film, so they shot the snake, then shot Morita staggering as he tried to outlast the attack, then looped it over and over.

This was Hoyt Axton's last film. In it, he looked a lot like an aged Joe Don Baker, which is funny, because Hoyt did the theme song to Mitchell. For groups of people watching this, the near Joe Don-ness of him is a sweet addition. It's like I don't have to think to make jokes when he's on screen, I just go to my Mitchell well. "Bite me Mitchell".



The main character, the doctor, is almost Jonathan Silverman. When he drop kicks the snake at the end it is priceless. I've never seen anything like it in all the years I've been watching movies. I was beginning to doubt my decision to stick with the film as long as I did, but in quick succession at the very end, I got Morita's hilarious death scene, then the even funnier snake drop kick. I'm not sure whose idea it was, but whoever thought of it should get a Nobel prize in herpetology or something.

If you see this on Sci-Fi or something, TiVo it. At the very least, you can skip to the end. The drop kick alone makes it for me one of the best of the bad horror films on Sci-Fi. I'm not sure it's worth buying it or renting it for that, but TiVoing won't cost you much beyond the space it takes up on your DVR. You don't need to see the rest of the film, but you won't forgive yourself if you miss the Morita death scene, followed by the drop kick.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0138797/

Bloodsport 3 (1997)

I had seen Bloodsports 1, 2, and 4, so I guess it was inevitable that I'd get out there and see this one. I'm not sure if there's a plan to make a fifth in this series, but I hope so. I'd like to write it maybe. Here's an idea: Bernhardt has to go to Colombia, undercover, to fight in a Colombian Kumite and take down a drug lord. The catch is, he has to beat the famous Mexican wrestler King-- the one from Tekken fame. Bernhardt has to find a way around the dreaded Giant Swing.

Bloodsport 3 takes place who knows how long after part two. Evil crimelord John Rhys-Davies wants to hold his own kumite, and have Bernhardt throw the final fight so he can make some serious cash on the betting. Bernhardt refuses, so Rhys-Davies blows up James Hong's apartment with him in it. Bernie's pissed, so he asks Pat Morita for advice. Morita suggests he learn from Hong's brother, the guy who ran the last Kumite. He trains, only to find out Rhys-Davies doesn't want him in the kumite anymore, because he can't rig with Bernhardt in it. In a ruse reminiscent of Conan the Barbarian, Berndoggy dons a cloak and sneaks in. Once in, the fans would get suspicious if Rhys-Davies made him leave, so he's gotta stay. In the end he beats this big Kazakh warrior. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention it's told in flashback format by Bernhardt to his son while he's teaching the kid some discipline.

I actually think this wasn't as bad as 2 or 4. Unlike the others, where Bernhardt plays an underdog, in this one he's a pissed off favorite. It's pretty cool. I just saw The Quest the other day, which is a film Van Damme did with Frank Dux that's pretty much Bloodsport set in 1925. It was boring. Bloodsport 2 was pretty much just Bloodsport one without Van Damme and Bolo Yeung. This film actually switched up the Bloodsport paradigm some, and it's a shame more films like this don't do that.

On the other hand, the requisite training scenes mired this film in every-other-movie-ness. I can't really figure out why he needed the training, if he was understood to be the best fighter in the world. It's like they did it because they felt they had to. That was one thing Bloodsport 4 did away with. I could see a few scenes of him in the gym trying to make it work, but a whole trip to the mountains to learn to fight all over again just seemed superfluous.

This may be my favorite Bernhardt role. It was just cool at the end to see him so pissed off and determined. If they carried that through to the end baddie, it would have been perfect. Sasha Mitchell did a similar thing in Kickboxer 4, and I'm a big fan of it. I like the idea of the hero being a bad ass who kicks it into gear and delivers some brutality.

This is a good bad action movie for a bad movie night rental. I've seen it listed sometimes on channels like Encore Action, and it's worth TiVoing if you catch it on one of those. It helps some to have seen 2 first, but only so much. You could buy it, but don't pay more than a few bucks.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115714/

Bloodsport 2: The Next Kumite (1996)

I found out as I was doing research for this film that it is in fact not direct to video. It grossed over $600,000. I wrestled with the dilemma of reviewing it anyway for over five minutes, before I just decided, what the hell.

Bloodsport 2: The Next Kumite is about Daniel Bernhardt as Alex Cardo (the same character as in Bloodsport 3, but not 4, even though all three are played by Bernhardt), a master thief sold down the river by his partner after stealing the late Pat Morita's katana. In prison, Bernhardt meets James Hong, who teaches him the Iron Hand after he sees him get his ass kicked by vicious prison guard Demon, played by Ong Soo Han. The point of Hong teaching Bernhardt is so he can fight in the kumite and win it for him. Some strings are pulled by Morita to get Bernhardt out so he can retrieve the sword: it's the grand prize in the kumite. The delightful "Tiny" Don Gibb, who got his ass kicked by Bolo Yeung in the first Bloodsport, returns to reprise the role no one really gave a shit about.

Bernhardt has to balance dealing for the sword from his old partner and winning the contest, and the whole thing almost blows up on him when he gets the sword, but is slashed in the ab by it too. Oh yeah, and his final opponent in the kumite is Demon, just 'cause.

This film is ten shades of hilarious. Dialogue is strung together in this unnatural manner that gives one the impression of 8th grade theater. There's a great scene where Bernhardt starts a conversation with some guy who's a "Street Fighter," and the useless Tiny lectures him on not talking to the fellow fighters. Why, I have no idea, because they all end up being friends two scenes later. There's also a guy who fights Bernhardt, loses to him, then helps him win by being his corner man or something. Bernhardt's getting his ass kicked, and the guy yells "Do you want to beat him? Then attack him on his left side!" and Bernhardt's response is to slam his hands on the mat like he's just been told to go clean his room, even though he gets up and wins the fight.

James Hong makes it to the final battle, and he reminds Bernhardt when fighting Demon to use the Iron Hand. Also, a shaking water pail reminds him too. I'm just not sure you could make a spoof of fight films better than Bloodsport 2. I really didn't get why Bernhardt needed to have his ab slashed for the fight. I think beating Demon would've been enough for the audience. Making him win with a deep, potentially fatal, open wound is just pushing the audiences credulity--even for bad action.

But I think all that makes this ridiculous is what makes it endearing. As a viewer, it's great to see every cliche utilized to its utmost. When playing the bad action movie drinking game, a film like this really gets everyone wasted pretty quick. It's filled with great material to mock. If I were to make an action film, I'd borrow a lot from how this was made.

If you've seen either Bloodsport or the MST3K episode of Future War, this is well worth your time. You should be able to buy it for like $5. I've seen it listed on TV too, but not recently. This is also the perfect rental for a bad movie night. You really can't go wrong with it.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112536/

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/