Nine Deaths of the Ninja (1985)

Last month Chris from Bulletproof Action asked if I'd like to be a part of the Sho Kosugi collaboration post he was putting together for Mr. Kosugi's birthday, and of course I was in; but I realized in looking at the films he wanted us to rank, I hadn't seen this one yet. A major oversight on my part, but now that I have I figured I'd review it myself. In addition to us and Chris at Bulletproof, this has also been covered by the guys at Comeuppance, Kenner at Movies in the Attic, Mitch at the Video Vacuum, and Karl at Fist of the B-List. You can see how late to the party I am.

Nine Deaths of the Ninja has our hero Mr. Kosugi, as Spike Shinobi who, along with Brent Huff and Emilia Crow, are part of an elite anti-terrorist team. When a be-wheel-chaired former Nazi (Blackie Dammett) enlists a gang of women commandos led by a woman named Honey Hump (Regina Richardson) to hijack a tour group in the Philippines, former tennis pro Vijay Amritraj calls our team in as quickly as possible to take them down. But it's a race against time, as the baddie has a lot of hostages--including Kosugi's real-life kids, Shane and Kane--and he isn't afraid to kill them.

This is the fun ninja action that I'm looking for from something like this. Sure, we could've used more actual "ninja action," but between how much bonkers stuff is going on, and the solid 80s action quotient, it does what I need. Where do I start? Maybe the opening credits where Kosugi is demonstrating his martial arts techniques while scantily clad women are doing an interpretive dance routine around him. Or when the baddies first hijack the tour bus, and later that evening one of the grunts attempts to rape the tour guide, so a young Kane Kosugi runs up behind him and sets his blue undies ablaze, sending the guy running down the aisle while sparks appear to be shooting out of his buttocks through the underwear. Also, that tour guide's character name is listed as "tour guide." You've got Huff and Kosugi doing some kind of undercover work that doesn't always make sense, but somehow it gets them to where the baddies are. And then the head baddie himself, Blackie Dammett's Nazi in a wheelchair with a monkey in a diaper as a companion, only to be outdone by Regina Richardson as Honey Hump. So we have this fun ridiculousness, but at the same time, we have some great action sequences, like Kosugi undercover as an elderly gentleman doing some Old Man Fu while Huff is trying to hook up with a young lady that works for Amritraj; or the end scenes, which were fantastic. This is just a fun time all around.

We're at 8 Kosugi films on the site, but looking at his bio, there isn't much else after this. He did an 80s set in the 50s teen sex romp called Aloha Summer that's on YouTube that we could do, but that's about it. And I don't know that it matters. Sure, we'd love to have more Kosugi, but these 80s ninja actioners are so great in themselves that they have an outsized influence on the entire DTV action world beyond what another DTV star with only that many credits would've had. And while this may not quite touch the heights of his best ones, it delivers what you want, and in some ways because it's so much fun compared to some of his darker ones--I'm looking at you Pray for Death--it has a bit of an edge on those for me. His last film was 2009's Ninja Assassin, so if this is it for him, we really only have those 80s ninja films as his legacy, but what a legacy it is. Whenever I see one of those engagement-farm-y "name an actor who had a better run than..." posts on Twitter, I think for me I'd take the Pepsi Challenge with Kosugi's 80s ninja stuff against anyone else.

One interesting twist in this was Emilia Crow's character (credited as Emilia Lesniak). While Kosugi and Huff were more out in the field, she was the computer whiz, communications expert, and the person with all the intel that helps us with background on characters through plot exposition. Usually that part is reserved for a geekier looking guy, but I thought she did really well with it. There was also a sense that she had some sexual tension with both Huff and Kosugi, like we couldn't tell if she was jealous Huff was going on a date with the other woman, or if she didn't care because she wanted to hook up with Kosugi, or if she didn't care because she didn't want to hook up with either of them. Had this been an 80s TV show, they could've played on those interactions much more. What a cool idea for an 80s TV show, these three traveling the globe, taking out terrorists and other assorted baddies, with some Diane-and-Sam-style will-they-or-won't-they screwball comedy notes. It's kind of a reverse Three Kinds of Heat, but also a major missed opportunity.

Among the other names, this is Kane Kosugi's 8th film on the site, same as his father. When we think of someone paying their dues to get into the biz, Kosugi has to be up there, because he was playing hostages and kidnap victims quite a bit when he was younger. His collaborations with Kaos will probably get his tag count above his father's, especially with Kaos having something in post-production that also has DTVC Hall of Famer Peter Weller in it. This is also 8 films for Brent Huff--I found out as I was posting this that I forgot to tag him for 1997's The Bad Pack--which I also don't even remember reviewing! This was only a few years before Strike Commando 2, and while he spent much of the 80s and 90s in the DTV world, he's carved out a nice career for himself in modern TV, which is good to see. Then we had former tennis pro Vijay Amritraj, who from 1983 to 1986 did Octopussy, this, and Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. Talk about your three-picture run, it doesn't get much better than that. Finally Blackie Dammett, who plays the main baddie, has been on here one other time, in the Wings Hauser-Sybil Danning thriller LA Bounty, which is easily one of the greatest films we've reviewed on site.

Finally, with only the one paragraph left, I wanted to mention Lisa Friedman as Tour Guide. According to IMDb, she only did two other films, the 1980 Woody Allen film Stardust Memories, where she played "Fan in the Lobby;" and the 1981 car race thriller King of the Mountain, where she played "Spandex Girl." "Tour Guide" is definitely a step up from those two, but considering what the role entailed, I feel like she deserved better--like maybe a name? She starts out just being a tour guide, as her name suggests, but when the bus is taken hostage, later in the evening there's the assault, where this gross guy puts tape over her mouth while she's sleeping, then drags her to the back of the bus to have his way with her, only to fortunately have Kane Kosugi save the day. Later that same baddie decides he's going to have his way with her again, so he takes her behind some rocks, where fortunately our heroes step in this time to save her. It's definitely great that she was saved both times--we've seen darker versions of movies like these think it's necessary to go all the way--but just the fact that she was put through the ringer like that tells me she deserves better than just "Tour Guide" for her character name. Here's to you Lisa Friedman, you were a trooper.

And with that let's wrap this up. You can get this on YouTube or Plex here in the States. YouTube might actually be better because the version isn't bad, and Plex is horrible with commercials. This is a fun, lighter Kosugi film, which I appreciated. It's also a bit on the bonkers side, which may work in its favor. Also don't forget to check out the Ranked Kosugi list on Bulletproof Action! It was a lot of fun, and I was glad I was able to contribute.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089689

And my newest novel, Don's House in the Mountains, is available now on Amazon! Click the image to buy.

Rage of Honor (1987)

I could've sworn I'd done this before, but when I saw our buddy Ty at Comeuppance Reviews had covered it recently, and I went into my archives to see what I wrote, the realization hit me: I hadn't done it yet. Fortunately Netflix Watch Instantly had my back, and I was able to rectify this mistake. So without further ado, it's Shô time. (That was bad, wasn't it?)

Rage of Honor has Mr. Kosugi as a detective at the Drug Investigative Bureau who also happens to have major ninja skills. His buddy is captured and worked over pretty bad by a drug lord, and Kosugi swears revenge. Problem is, his boss doesn't want him to get involved, so he has to quit, and fly down to Buenos Aires with his girlfriend and pretend to be on vacation. Now she's in danger, and he has to save her and take down all these baddies. No problem for a too sweet ninja like Shô Kosugi.



This was a fun time. Was it good? I don't know, but it had some great fight scenes, Kosugi was solid as usual, and the rest of the action was on point. It was a little all over the place though, especially with Kosugi fighting tribesmen in the Patagonian jungle and later ninjas in camouflage. Also, Kosugi himself never dons a full ninja suit, which is an extreme disappointment. On the other hand, if watched in a group, this is an excellent bad movie night option. Sweet Kosugi ninja action-- even if he's never in a ninja suit.

This film seemed to get the Shô Kosugi paradigm right, though not completely right. His English, especially in 1987, was very poor, which is fine, but why make the man do scenes with heavy dialog? Fortunately there weren't many of them, and many more great fights. He totally gets after it, fighting in Miami Vice-style Member's Only Jackets or tuxedos, doing huge flips, tossing throwing stars and shooting crossbows. In one scene near the end, he's in an abandoned factory using everything he can find off the ground, like old saw blades and other hardware. If you came for Shô Kosugi, then Rage of Honor is the right place.



I mentioned above that Kosugi gets into it with some tribesmen. That's not entirely accurate. Genocide in self-defense is more like it. He wipes out two-thirds of them as they attack him for whatever reason. This is one of the great things about a film like this, its kind of everything-but-the-kitchen-sink approach, where they just toss in a bunch of dudes with painted faces throwing spears and arrows at our hero, and he takes them out with his sword. It makes absolutely no sense, yet is given to us with exactly no irony whatsoever-- just the way I like it.

Was this a ninja bait-and-switch based on the cover? Perhaps. Yes, Kosugi's character is technically a ninja, but are throwing stars enough? I don't know, I need the whole ninja attire, the mask and the feety pajamas. It's weird how some movies do this, the ninja bait-and-switch, as if ninjas are something that will sell us on renting it. I mean, is it that hard to just put the damn ninjas in the movie? Was this made by some guy that wanted to go out on a limb and keep Kosugi out of the ninja outfit, and then after the fact the film company was like "whoa, we can't sell a Shô Kosugi where he doesn't dress like a ninja! We need to rectify this!" Come on, just call the damn costume designer and get Kosgui a damn ninja suit.



Speaking of wardrobe, check out that too sweet Munsingwear Penguin polo this dude is rocking. Vintage 1980s right there. I remember in the mid 2000s the Munsingwear Penguin was rereleased as Original Penguin, and the polos were like $60 a pop. I never bought one, but if you watch Cheap Seats, you'll see the Sklar brothers in them quite a bit. Seeing one here makes me want to go out and get one and pair it with a blazer like this.

I don't know if I'd go solo on this one, but the Netflix Watch Instantly availability makes it a great and easy choice for a bad movie night feature. Get together with some friends, and just laugh at the silly parts and love the great Kosugi fight scenes.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093820/

Ninja III: Domination (1984)

I've been warned to avoid this one for some time, and I totally understand why, because it's a pretty bad deal. The thing is, though, it just doesn't feel right not having the third of the three Ninja movies up here, even if the first two had nothing to do with this one, or each other. The other thing is, we at the DTVC feel it's as important to warn people off about the bad ones as much as celebrate the great ones. So with that being said, here's Ninja III: Domination.

Ninja III is about a bad ninja almost killed by the cops after he assassinates a scientist enjoying 18 holes at his local muni. Before he goes, though, a Solid Gold dancer making extra cash as a technician for the electric company happens to see him struggle and tries to help, only to find herself bewitched by his evil spirit. We don't know which is worse, that or the stalker cop who she suddenly falls for and has lick V-8 Juice off her neck, but regardless, she's now blacking out and committing murders dressed as a ninja, and only Shô Kosugi knows what the deal is, and only he can stop her. Throw in James Hong again acting as an ethnicity not his own, and you've got Ninja III.



This starts off amazing, with the bad ninja kicking ass and taking names. Helicopters are exploding, golf balls are being crushed, and stuntmen are dying all over the local muni. I was even cool with the girl being possessed, because it was so funny. But the hairy stalker cop turned hero was just too much, and just too creepy. I also get that they were trying a Kwaidan Japanese ghost story type deal, but the execution was just ten kinds of wrong, with a lot of bad Poltergeist rip-offs and so forth, and the movie ended up being all over the place.

The stalker cop was probably the most irresponsible thing in the film, even more than James Hong as a Japanese man. To me it was actually kind of scary, our heroine meets this cop while she's telling the police about the dead ninja, and the cop hits on her, even after she tells him no multiple times. Then he calls her (how did he get her number? illegal police procedure probably), and after being rebuffed again, follows her to the aerobics class she teaches. As if that's not enough, when she's accosted by some bodybuilders in an alley outside the gym, he doesn't help, makes her fend for herself, then takes her away under the pretense that she's been arrested for assaulting them. What is that? And what recourse does she have if she doesn't fall in love with him and invite him back to her place to lick V-8 Juice off her neck? What, she reports him to the same police department he works for? Yeah, I bet that'd go over great, considering you're giving the report to the guy's friends. Now her report gets "lost", and he's suddenly "patrolling" in her neighbor hood 24-7. Police officers are entrusted with a very great responsibility, and to have a cop hero condoned and even vindicated in his stalking practices is simply appalling.



Shô Kosugi isn't in this anywhere near as much as he should be. When he's there, he's great, but what the hell does that even mean, right? He's always great when he's there, it's always just a matter of how much there there is, right? Go to Revenge of the Ninja or Pray for Death for the good Kosugi.

Is there anything hotter than a chick in a leotard playing a classic arcade game? In this case, unfortunately, the game is Bouncer, one that was still in development and didn't make it big, instead of something truly awesome, like Galaga. Women, if you've got a guy in mind you want to impress, this is the way to his heart. You don't exactly have to go the leotard route, especially since classic arcade games can be pricey, and you may have to play outside of your home, but you take a guy to the arcade and you start killing it on Pac-Man or something, he'll be yours forever.



Did I mention the cop guy was hairy? Like gross hairy, all over the back and shoulders, and in one scene he's rocking a tank top. Part of me wants to say "hey, more power to you", but no, that's just disgusting. You need to have more consideration for the people around you, and as a director, Sam Firstenbirg needed to step in and put some sleeves on him.

This isn't out on DVD, and perhaps that's a good thing. Sautéed in wrong sauce doesn't begin to describe what's going here. It's like they took all the awesomeness from Revenge of the Ninja, and decided give us ten minutes at the beginning to remind us of what they were capable of, knowing full well they were going to hit us with a hairy stalker cop and bad Poltergeist rip-off graphics.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087805/

Pray for Death (1985)

When this thing turned up on Hulu as I was looking up Shô Kosugi during my Ninja Assassin review, I figured it was a good idea to make it happen. Of course, it had been maybe 20 years since I'd seen it last, and I had this odd sense that it wasn't good, or that I didn't quite like it, but I couldn't remember why.

Pray for Death has Shô Kosugi as a Japanese businessman trying to leave behind his ninja past. He has an American wife and two kids, and when the wife suggests moving back to the States, he's all over the idea. When he gets here, though, he finds out the property they bought is in a bad part of town, and even worse, some local baddies hid an expensive necklace in a boarded up section of their new place, and when it goes missing, they take it out on Kosugi and his family. Kosugi wants to do things by the book, but the cops are little help, so he has to take matters into his own hands to protect his family.



Now I remember why I didn't like this. It was ten kinds of awesome in terms of great ninja action, and Kosugi brings it. What killed it for me was the film makers killing off Kosugi's wife. It's like, first the baddies kidnap his son, so he rescues him. Then they run over his wife and son, so he goes and threatens them to leave his family alone. Finally, after all that, they then kill off his wife. Jesus, why not burn down his house and send the IRS after him too while you're at it. And that made for an awesome last scene too, with Kosugi and his two sons at their mother's grave. That's what I want out of an action flick, a somber ending. Maybe they could mix in Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" while they're at it. Good work, guys.

We always talk about not wanting the plot to get in the way of the action in the sense of lowering the overall action quotient, but here what happened was the bad plot killed any fun the movie should've had. They wrote themselves into a corner to start with, when Kosugi invades the baddie's party boat, but then he leaves the head baddie alive, warning him not to mess with his family, because they really had nowhere to go from there. They also needed to kill off the wife to give us the baddie's ultimate death of getting sawed in half, which I guess we wouldn't buy if the head baddie just kidnapped the wife I guess. The thing is, we didn't buy it anyway because they didn't show it. What we needed was for the wife to be kidnapped from the hospital, Kosugi saves her, and the end scene is the family at their restaurant. Keep everything else, and this would be one of the best films of all time.



And a big reason for that was how awesome Shô Kosugi was, yet again. The martial arts were spot on, and his ninja costume was sweet as all get out. I think the biggest impediment to his overall success here in the States is his poor command of the English language. It's not an indictment on him, just a point of fact. Now he's 62, which puts him in that wise sensei category, which worked fine in Ninja Assassin, so maybe we'll get more of that from him. In this film, it was some of his best stuff, which makes it all the more annoying that his character couldn't get a break. I'm surprised after killing off his wife they also didn't have his fledgling restaurant destroyed by an earthquake or something.

I should probably get together a list of my rules for action films, because I got another one right here: kids look silly doing martial arts. Pray for Death features Kosugi's kids yet again, and when they're fighting bad guys, it looks too ridiculous for words-- not to mention, it takes away from time we could have of Kosugi's great martial arts skills. I mean, when we sign on for a Shô Kosugi film, we're signing on to watch him fight, not his kids. If I wanted that kind of thing, I'd rent 3 Ninjas.



One of the best parts of the film comes when Kosugi jumps over a truck. Real or not, it was great in an 80s 90s DTV action sort of way. The truth is, the film was more parts like that, and collected together make for an awesome film. Unfortunately, by killing off Kosugi's wife and his kids' mother, all that fun goes out the window. Sometimes these film makers just take themselves too seriously. Had this been made by Golan-Globus, you know it would've been much more fun.

And there you have it. This is great in terms of Shô Kosugi and his action; but the whole thing took a weird turn for me because the film makers just had to keep sending Kosugi's character through the ringer, ultimately killing his wife. I'm surprised they didn't also have him buy a winning lottery ticket, only to have it fly out of his hands when he finds out it's the jackpot.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089835/

Ninja Assassin (2009)

Much of what this blog is based on comes from the great Golan-Globus ninja films of the 1980s and early 90s. Shô Kosugi and Michael Dudkioff kicking ass in everything-but-the-kitchen-sink style action films really got me into the kinds of movies I write about here four times a week. As we all know, over time, the ninja fell off in popular culture, and in DTV films as well; but recently it has seen a resurgence. Now Ninja Assassin was not a DTV film, and it wasn't a bomb at the box office either. It makes our Wild Card post this week because a lot of readers dig the 1980s-90s ninja flick as much as I do, and we all want to know how this stood up.

Ninja Assassin is about ninjas who have trained and worked as secret assassins throughout the world for centuries. A woman working for Europol thinks she can link ninjas to a bunch of political assassinations, and when she does, she brings a lot of heat on herself. Luckily for her a ninja has turned his back on his clan after a falling out with his sensei, and he's come to her to protect her and use her help to get back at him. Now they've got to battle the world's major governments, and an army of angry ninjas. The odds don't look good.



This is as much a ninja film for action fans as it is a ninja film for horror fans. Right away, we're treated to a slaughter fest of blood and dismemberment. The thing is, the film really can't maintain that level of intensity for 90 minutes, so it backs off for a while, inundating us with flashbacks and training sequences. When it jumps back in, it's pretty sweet, especially the end battle, which is a war zone of elite international law enforcement versus highly trained ninjas. That was amazing. Plus, our hero's fight with Kosugi made up for the lack of Kosugi fighting we had throughout the film, which I liked.

The thing is, for the people who think the Golan-Globus films are "cheesy", this wasn't any less cheesy-- I mean, ninjas were still omnipotent like they were back then-- and for the people like me who loved those flicks, this took a lot of the fun of those films out and replaced it with a slasher flick. Don't get me wrong, I dug that. I love half a head flying through the air as much as the next guy. It's just, if I have a choice between Michael Dudikoff catching an arrow in his teeth and a dude's hands chopped off with a throwing star, I'll take the former any day of the week.



The female lead was played by the very attractive Naomie Harris. You probably don't recognize her from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, because she's so much hotter here. One thing that was interesting about her part was that, though she needed to be saved in a few situations from the hero, she spent more time rescuing him than he rescuing her. She also understood when she was over her head when the ninjas showed up. This is a much more organic strong women compared to the one we had in 12 Rounds, where pretty much a woman who spent the majority of the film as a helpless prisoner was sold to us as a strong woman through one scene of her working under a busted sink. Harris' character really was strong, and it really added to the film.

That's Shô Kosugi if you need him. There'd be no 80s ninja craze without him, and he let us know every moment he was on screen, even when he was losing to the hero (because he was the bad guy after all), that he was the man. I'd rather he be a good guy, but one can't have everything. He actually has a film called Pray for Death available on Hulu, which might be worth checking out. I think he's one of those guys, like Klaus Kinski, who doesn't have a large DTV oeuvre, but his influence on the DTV world is so strong he deserves a place in the Hall of Fame.



This movie took place in Berlin. That's a very interesting place to set a ninja movie. Other interesting places to consider: Milan, Cairo, Lima, and Cincinnati. Ninjas seem like they can go anywhere, so I guess it doesn't matter where the movie's set, but Berlin just seems interesting. It added a cosmopolitan element to see a Japanese guy walking around a German city, knowing deep down he's a ninja and could kill all of them with his bare hands. I don't know why having him walk in New York or LA would be any less interesting, but as far as I know, those cities have higher Japanese populations, so maybe that's why.

This is worth checking out, but not for the faint of heart, and not for the easily bored either, because you have a big middle section to endure. Kosugi was awesome, though, and so was the action when it existed, especially the very end. Overall, if I have my druthers, I'll stick to the old classics, but this is an interesting addition, and hopefully a sign of things to come in the world of ninja movies. And for my horror readers, this action film was made for you.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1186367/

Enter the Ninja (1981)

If you want to look for the genesis of the ninja in American pop culture in the 80s, this is a great place to start, even though this film itself is a little light on the Japanese assassin. It really was the American Ninjas and the ninja films later in this series that started the boom, but that doesn't mean this is any less worthy of a review.

Enter the Ninja is a Golan-Globus film with Franco Nero (from this point on, The Stash) as a Westerner who becomes a ninja, and visits his friend in the Philippines. Beyond the fact the friend looks like a smaller James Caan in The Godfather, he's also having trouble with a local strongman that wants him to sell his huge ranch. His wife loves the ranch, and doesn't want to sell, and The Stash thinks if his friend wants his ranch, that no strongman will take it from him, so he takes out wave upon wave of local toughs. Finally, the corporate dude funding the strongman decides he needs to hire his own ninja, so he employs Shô Kosugi, The Stash's rival from ninja school, to take him down. Do we really see that happening?



This is pretty ridiculous. First off, Kosugi would've made a better lead, and this problem was corrected in Revenge of the Ninja. I agree that it was plenty believable that The Stash could take Kosugi, because everyone fears The Stash, I just would've preferred Kosugi as the hero. Second was the lack of actual ninjas. If you compare this to the American Ninja films, which were chock full of ninjas, it's a disappointment. Finally there's The Stash. How can you not love The Stash? I'd love him more if he was dressed as a ninja more often, or if he was fighting more ninjas, but I'm not sure how much you can blame Enter the Ninja for that, because they were just starting the ninja film paradigm, and they (Golan-Globus) certainly corrected those mistakes in subsequent films.

The Stash has done some other pictures since this one, most notably Die Hard 2. Actually, he's a pretty accomplished Italian actor, more than simply The Stash. Alas, no more ninja films though. As a Westerner donning the ninja gear, he would've totally sucked it it wasn't for that amazing patch of hair on his upper lip. He had nothing going for him compared to a Michael Dudikoff, who was an amazing Caucasian ninja. I would say, though, that he was much better than David Bradley, so he has that in his favor. Here's to you, The Stash.



This has barely any Shô Kosugi, and we know from the beginning that it's only a matter of time before The Stash bests him. If you're someone, like myself, looking to get into more Kosugi, this is not a great place to start. Revenge of the Ninja is more like it. That doesn't mean Kosugi isn't great, just that he doesn't have a great role, which was a bad decision, in my mind, The Stash or no The Stash.

My friend at Movies in the Attic thought the female star, Susan George, was out of her element here, because she's more of a theatrical actress, but I'm not so sure. I thought she was hot, and somehow she eked out a fully rounded, complete character out of the scant material she had. She was at times a spitfire, feisty, hard nosed, and at others scared, emotional, and frustrated. Of course, in an action film, we often don't look for nuance, we want black and white-- if a woman starts out as feisty and tough, when she's kidnapped, bound and gagged, and held at gunpoint, we expect her to be just as defiant, as opposed to being scared, hoping The Stash would save her, which is probably more realistic, even if that realism was coming in that most realistic of mediums, the ninja film. Perhaps my colleague was more right than I originally thought.



I don't really have much for a seventh paragraph, so I thought I'd discuss my favorite ninjas in pop culture, the Mortal Kombat ones. They were really only one ninja and ten color swaps, but they were still cool. They started with two, Scorpion and Sub-Zero, but if you knew what you were doing, you could fight Reptile, a green mix of the two, at the bottom of The Pit. In part two, they added Smoke and Noob Saibot (the last names of the creators spelled backwards). Again, it was all color swaps, and all Smoke and Noob Saibot were were versions of Scorpion. They also had female ninjas, Kitana, Mileena, and Jade. You gotta love female ninjas-- very hot. In the third one all bets were off, as they added robo-ninjas, classic and old versions of Sub-Zero, and more color swaps. I haven't really played anything after part III, though I tried my brother's DC vs. Mortal Kombat game, and the one thing that sucked was the lack of unlockable ninjas, which was for me what made the earlier games great. I think it had Scorpion and Sub-Zero, but that was it. If anyone can kick Superman's ass without Kryptonite, it's a ninja, and they dropped the ball by not including more.

Okay, that was a longer rant than I wanted, but I just got all nostalgic. This might be worth giving a looksee, but don't expect the ninja fest some of the later films were. Also, it's available on Hulu, which was annoying with the random ad insertions (on TV the ads come in natural spots, on Hulu you'd get one in the middle of a sentence), but for a movie like this, it wasn't so bad. Maybe catching this for free is the best option. Also, it's not out on DVD yet. Almost forgot to mention that, so it's either Hulu or VHS.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082332/

Revenge of the Ninja (1983)

For our last post in our Golan-Globus week, it was decided that we needed to have a ninja movie. I had pretty much covered the American Ninja series, so those were out. Then there was Enter the Ninja, the first in the three part Ninja series, but that doesn't have a lot of actual ninja fighting, and Shô Kosugi was a bad guy and in it only at the beginning and the end. So it was settled, Revenge of the Ninja would be our ninja movie to end the week.

Revenge of the Ninja doesn't exactly take place after the first one, because Kosugi's beheaded at the end of that, and here he's a good guy. Anyway, his clan is slaughtered except for his mom and infant son, so a buddy from the States offers to put him up in Hollywood so the two can open an art exhibit. Turns out the friend is also a ninja, and he's using the store as a front to sell drugs. Shock, horror, gasp! Even worse, he's pissed off the mob, and they're kind of taking it out on Kosugi.



This is amazing. Very close to the first two American Ninjas in quality. Kosugi shines, and it was a much better move to focus the film around him instead of The 'Stash like they did in part one. Sure, it's extremely silly, but the question is, how exactly would you like your ninja film? I personally prefer them catching arrows with their teeth, having the capacity to store a Walmart sized inventory of weapons on their person, and the ability to dispatch anyone not trained in ninjitsu with relative ease. This also came correct with a great ending battle, where the bad guy somehow stored a few dummies of himself in the area, knowing he and Kosugi would be fighting there. From front to back, side to side, an amazing piece of cinema.

One advantage to having Kosugi not only in the protagonist role, but also fighting a guy without a moustache at the end, was that we were able to root for him. No one expected him to defeat The Stash in the first movie. Really, it was the only way we could accept him losing, I mean, it's understandable to take one on the chin to a guy with that kind of facial hair. But in Revenge of the Ninja, he was the real deal, and we were all better for it. This was also a much better use of his great skills than Black Eagle was. I'm curious to see what he does in the new Ninja Assassin, because imdb says he's in it. It better be good, that's all I have to say. They have a lot of great Golan-Globus ninja films to live up to.



A lot of people would write a film like this off as "cheesy". "Oh, look at that, you can see when he jumps off the building that he's bracing himself so he lands on the safety mat, then they cut away to him landing on his feet. That so cheesy!" Is it? Is it really? "That sword blade barely touched that guy, and now he's dead. That's so cheesy!" Is it? Is it really? I say it's awesome, that's what I say. I'd rather see a guy jump from a building then cut to his landing, than see him jump in front of a green screen. Maybe if Golan-Globus were still around today they'd be wearing the green screen out too, and I'd call them to the carpet for it just like I do the rest of today's film makers. Which was the better movie, the first Star Wars in 1977, or the one Lucas made in 1999 with all the computer shit? Call Revenge of the Ninja silly, call it ridiculous, call it fun, but don't ever call it cheesy.

I could've sworn John Miller from Undefeatable was in this as the police officer in charge or martial arts training who helps Kosugi out, but from imdb I can't tell. None of these bastards ever have pictures, and I never pay attention enough to the film to find out the characters names, so when I look them up, I'm like, "was that what that character's name was?" He looked a little rounder, but he delivered his lines in exactly the same way-- this kind of slow, halting style. I mean, I didn't see a John Miller in the Revenge credits, but who knows. Maybe I'm just losing it in my old age.



Before I wrap things up, I needed to mention a scene where Kosugi and the John Miller look alike take down the Village People. I'm not sure exactly what they were going for with that, but it was amazing. Cowboy in a blue outfit, sure, why not? "Look at the guy dressed like a cowboy. That's cheesy!" Is it?... okay, I'll stop.

Perhaps no film better embodies the Golan-Globus bouillabaisse sense of film making than this one. You had Native Americans, six-year-olds, and grandmothers all fighting at some point. People were stabbed, slashed, gouged, etc. in myriad ways. Plenty of car chases, fight scenes, and explosions too. It was a virtual cornucopia of amazing action without a hint of pretense. How else would you take your action?

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086192/

Black Eagle (1988)

One of my favorite readers, Jill, is also a huge Van Damme fan, and she warned me that this is a dull film. "I know," I said, "but I still need to do them all for my blog." So I watched the trailer while Ian (another one of my favorite readers) was checking his mail, and I must confess, based on the trailer, it looked pretty hot.

Black Eagle is a Cold War spy vs. spy yawn fest starring Van Damme as a bad guy hatchet man for the Soviets who are in Malta trying to get some kind of weapon. Shô Kosugi is called in by the CIA despite his vacation to make sure this weapon or whatever is kept in safe hands. Stuff happens, Kosugi and Van Damme have a disappointing fight, and that's it.



Okay, so she was right, and it was dull. Very dull. But, at the DTVC, our job is to review everything, good and bad... and this was bad. First off, Kosugi was wasted. He had some good fight scenes, but his hair looked ridiculous and his clothes were worse. In one scene he was supposed to be this cool spy playing roulette with the hot chick spy working with him, in one of those tense Bond-esque scenes where the Soviets are at the same table, making small talk. The problem is, Kosugi looked like Ernie from My Three Sons. "Hey Uncle Charley, can we take out some Commies today?" And that fight at the end with Van Damme, what the hell was that? Two great martial artists, and you give us a boring stalemate? It looked like a couple karate guys on the local news advertising their dojo, only they weren't wearing their Gi with the company logo on the back. Lame, lame, lame.

You could see, though, in this effort in total lame-itude that Van Damme had talent. He was going to be somebody. I was looking for images of this on YouTube, and someone put a video of his first kill, which is in this movie. Why is that a big deal? I'm serious, who gives a shit who the first guy he faked killed in a movie is? Anyway, Bloodsport came out the same year as this, and Cyborg came out a year later, so he didn't have long to wait for his eventual fame. My friend at Movies in the Attic mentioned that Van Damme really came from the DTV world and made it big, as opposed to Dolph and Seagal, who started in the mainstream. It's something I never considered before, but it explains why he's been so reluctant to come to terms with his fall from the Big Time. He doesn't want to make another Black Eagle, and he feels like he's one Cyborg or Bloodsport away from making it back. He needs to be more pragmatic. If Val Kilmer and Cuba Gooding jr., are joining him in the ranks of the DTV, it means that's probably where he's fated to remain as well.



Shô Kosugi is someone I need to have more of up here, and I've known that for some time. Next week, when I do my Golan-Globus tribute, he'll be there with Enter the Ninja, so that should be good. If you're someone that's a fan, or looking to get into Kosugi, this isn't a great place to start. I am curious to see how he does in the new film Ninja Assassin. I'm kind of surprised it's taken this long to bring back Ninjas, since everything else from the 80s has been.

This film took place in Malta. I guess it's like a poor man's Sicily. That was the impression the film gave anyway. Good thing the Iron Curtain fell and Eastern Europe is becoming a part of Europe now, because I'd much rather have my low-budget actioners in Sofia or Bucharest. Malta, at least in this film, seems like the tired old country store of Europe, where people stop, look around, and then sigh and say "Geez, we better get back on the road.", and walk quickly to their cars and drive off, probably a little faster than necessary.



I don't really have a seventh paragraph for this movie, but I thought since I was bashing a Van Damme film, I might bring up some good news regarding him. In two weeks, when I hit my 400^th post, I'll be celebrating by outlining a Jean-Claude Van Damme film fest. I'll go over 8 of my favorites from him, most of them not DTV. It should be a fun time, much more fun than this snoozefest.

I'd almost go as far as to say even if you're a Van Damme completist, stay away. I probably should've skipped it for the review, despite the fact I want all of his DTV films up here. We still have No Retreat, No Surrender to do, and it looks like after we do that that will be it for a while, because The Eagle Path looks like it's coming out next never.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094750/