Chief of Station (2024)

It's October, and you know what that means, Hall of Fame inductions! We're starting with director Jesse V. Johnson, who has been steadily creeping up the all-time director tags list, so I figured it was time to get him in, and with his newest film on Hulu, this made sense as the one to go to. In addition to us, Chris the Brain at Bulletproof Action has covered this as well.

Chief of Station has Aaron Eckhardt as a CIA agent who sees his CIA agent wife die in a horrible explosion in front of him. Six months later, the CIA IG is giving him the business about it, which gets his gears going. Could there be more to her death than just the accidental gas main leak the authorities were chalking it up to? After he does some digging, turns out it was just an unfortunate gas main leak, and the rest of the film is Eckhardt wandering aimlessly through grocery stores and enjoying coffee at cafes in Europe... NOT! Ho ho, didn't see that coming, did you? It's as spy thriller-y as you'd expect, as Eckhardt has to see which Johnson mainstays he can trust as he tries to get to the bottom of things and save his son, who the baddies grabbed while the son was getting some in Croatia.

This is a pretty good deal. As far as Jesse V. Johnson goes, I wouldn't put it in my top five of his films, but for 90 minutes on Hulu, it's going to be better than the bulk of the DTV stuff you'll find on there. Eckhardt is great in the lead, and then Johnson pulls in some great names in supporting roles that have worked with him before, like Olga Kurylenko, Daniel Bernhardt, and Nina Bergman, plus a fun performance by Alex Pettyfer. There are some parts earlier on where things are a bit slower, plus we have a gratuitous torture scene that was unnecessary--more on that later--but when you have a tight runtime, great names used well, and solid action when it's there, those things can be forgiven in a way that a longer movie with a bunch of names in one-scene cameos and a lot of bad computer effects can't. 

When I looked at the names of directors who were already in the Hall of Fame, I realized that Jesse V. Johnson was going to be passing some of them for tags once we started catching up on his filmography (this one at 13 ties him for third all-time with Hall of Famer Sam Firstenberg), and when I factored in the longevity of his career as a director--roughly 25 years--and some of the classics he's done, like Avengement or Savage Dog, I saw it was time to get him in. When you go from 2017 to 2024, he has 13 films released, and while I haven't seen them all, the 10 I have seen are all pretty solid. To be able to pull that off in the current DTV climate, where budgets are shrinking and the more cynical approach is to just slap a bunch of names on the tin and get in and out for as little money as possible, Johnson has been able to successfully navigate that and continue to provide a level of quality that us action fans appreciate. Much deserving of his Hall of Fame induction this year, here's to you Mr. Johnson, you're one of the greats.

The last time we saw Aaron Eckhard, it was in the film Erased, which we've not only reviewed on the site, but featured in a podcast episode, all the way back in episode 13 in the archives, a little over ten years ago in September of 2014--and that film also had Olga Kurylenko. It looks like he's now working as a DTV leading man, as this is the fourth of five films he's had come out between 2023 and now. I really liked him here, he's the kind of leading man you'd want in a movie like this, whether he's just looking good in a suit, wandering aimlessly in a grocery store as he thinks about his late wife, scowling at a computer screen while he's trying to make sense of the cryptic data in front of him, or beating up a bunch of guys at a poker game while a mustachioed Russian spy Nick Moran looks on. I could joke that he's an elevated Thomas Jane, but we saw from One Ranger that Jane brings something completely different to the table--Jane wouldn't have worked as well as the lead in this film, and Eckhardt wouldn't have worked in One Ranger the way Jane did. I don't know how much we'll get into Eckhardt's burgeoning DTV oeuvre, but based on the numbers, I imagine this won't be the last time we see him here--he has another with Johnson in production, Thieves Highway, so we know we'll be doing that one at least--and if this performance is any indication, I'll be looking forward to it.

Speaking of Kurylenko, she has a smaller, but very impactful part in this. She's kind of Ghost in the Machine-ish, only Johnson teases her earlier in the film, so I guess Chekhov's Kurylenko beats Kurylenko as Ghost in the Machine. Her entry is such a badass scene, and even though her character wears a ski mask at first, you know it's her before she removes it. She comes in while Aaron Eckhardt is being tortured for information and saves him, which made the torture scene unnecessary--if she's just going to save him, why not have her come in before he has needles stuck under his fingernails and charged with electricity? The other problem with it was it required bandage continuity, because Eckhard had the fingers that were used in the torture wrapped, but some scenes it looked like they weren't. Just save us the discomfort of having to watch that, and the script supervisor the trouble of having to keep up with it, and have Kurylenko save Eckhardt before he's tortured, it's so much easier. Anyway, Kurylenko has a ton of stuff in her filmography that we need to get to, plus, a bunch of new things coming--and I can't wait to see her on the big screen next year in Thunderbolts--so it's just a matter of me getting caught up on it all. She's continuing to make a name for herself as one of the top women in the action world, and I can't wait to see what else she has for us, but for now, she's great here in a smaller role.

Finally, a name that is probably overdue for his own Hall of Fame induction, Daniel Bernhardt is great in this as a baddie. I was trying to figure out why he wasn't in already, and I think it was because, while he was a mainstay in the early days of the site, especially with his Bloodsport sequels, in the late 2000s when bigger names like Seagal and Van Damme were dropping down to DTV, and names like Bernhardt were getting fewer leading roles, instead of trying to force it with lower-tier stuff, he went with smaller parts in bigger films. Stunt work and fight scenes in movies like The Matrix Reloaded, which led to bigger things like John Wick, it didn't mean he wasn't doing DTV stuff, but it wasn't as much, and I kind of lost track of him myself--though when I look at his tags on here, which is now at 16, I've haven't completely lost him, he's had some recent reviews. I think it's just an oversight on my part, but we can pencil him in for next year's inductions.

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can currently stream this on Hulu in the States, which I think is a good deal, but if you live in an area where this is a rental only, you could do a lot worse. And congratulations to Jesse V. Johnson on entering the Hall of Fame! It's much deserved.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt21301418

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Precious Cargo (2016)

I recently had Sean Malloy from I Must Break This Podcast on our pod to chat about this film. The idea started when he showed me a Vulture article about the low-budget film world that Bruce Willis has been inhabiting, and how he's making these DTV flicks for a quick payday with barely any screen time. It was a great conversation, where we discussed Willis's career in more detail, and how it ended up here with films like this one. As always, if I haven't reviewed the movie we're discussing yet, I do it at some point down the road, so here we are.

Precious Cargo has Zack Morris sans large cellphone as a professional thief who's run afoul of crime boss Bruce Willis after his ex-girlfriend Claire Forlani stiffs Willis on a big score. To make it up to Willis and get Forlani out of the trouble she's in, Gosselaar agrees to gather a crew and carry out an armored car heist to pay Willis back. Problem is, as in all heists, things aren't what they seem, and it's up to Gosselaar to out not-what-they-seem Willis in order to get out of this situation with everyone safe and a lot richer.

And that's about it. This film is about as much painting by numbers as you can imagine. Our hero always has it figured out, except when he doesn't and the baddies get the drop on him. Our baddies always seem to have it all figured out, until they don't and Gosselaar and his crew get the drop on them. We know how this game is going to end too, with Willis holding the bag and Gosselaar and his friends escaping, millions of dollars richer. Then why are we watching it? Because it has Willis and Gosselaar on the tin. That's why they pay Willis as much as they pay him for one day of work in one location, and some scenes that are more his Fake Shemps (credit to Ty and Brett from Comeuppance for that one) standing in for him than actually him onscreen. The reason why Sean and I watched it is because we wanted to cover this current state of Willis's career, Precious Cargo was available for free on Tubi, and I liked the conversation starters of having Zack Morris in it as well; and now I'm reviewing it because, as I mentioned above, I always review the film we discussed on the pod to have it archived here on the site.

The Bruce Willis Paradox, as I titled the podcast episode, is that we have this fantastic 80s and 90s output from him, including some of the most iconic and game-changing films from that era; and now we have a different kind of game-changing taking place in the 2010s and 2020s with how he's helping form a new DTV paradigm. Sean made the point that he's shitting on his legacy, but as we think about it, is he though? In 2021 he had 9 Precious Cargoes come out, yet the talk all around the holidays was "is Die Hard a Christmas movie?" and "check out my John McClane Christmas ornament!" And the thing is, the movies are getting exactly what they want by putting Willis on the tin. Precious Cargo has 41 critic reviews on IMDb, and every time a new one of his Precious Cargoes comes out, tons of sites are excited to be one of the first to review them and let us know they did so on Twitter. The question I guess is, at what point do we reach a saturation point? At what point is it really shitting on his legacy? Right now it seems like that legacy still carries a lot of weight, a weight that a lot of people want to be attached to, so I guess we get 9 Precious Cargoes every year until the wave crests.

When Willis makes these quick and dirty DTV flicks, he's usually in as few scenes as possible in even fewer locations, while a younger actor does all the heavy lifting, and in this case that younger actor is Mark-Paul Gosselaar. It's a match made in heaven when you think about it. Willis and Gosselaar on the tin, someone browsing Tubi or another streaming service may see that and think "what has Mark-Paul Gosselaar been up to since Saved by the Bell? And then Bruce Willis is in this too? Yes, sign me up!" And then they watch it, wish they hadn't, and by that time, they've already seen myriad Tubi ads for whatever products are hawked on Tubi, and there's no way Tubi's giving anyone a temporal refund of their 90 minutes back--at least I can make lemonade out of lemons and get a podcast episode and a review post out of it. And the thing is, I don't think Mark-Paul Gosselaar is bad here, I just don't know what Mark-Paul Gosselaar being good here gets us. "Man, he really did a great job selling us on that third plot twist/double-cross we knew was coming!" Still, I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for Gosselaar because of Zack Morris, and I hope despite Mixed-ish getting cancelled that he'll get something else soon.

The man behind all of this is a producer named Randall Emmett, who has been pumping these bad boys out since the early 2000s. The formula is pretty simple, and if it's not Willis, it's Steven Seagal, or Robert DeNiro, etc. If we tagged Emmett, by my rough count, he's produced 22 movies that we've covered here. And it's not just cynical assembly line-style DTV fare either, he's produced big screen films like 2 Guns, and major Netflix originals like The Irishman. There's the article in Vulture on him that Sean sent me that was the impetus for reviewing this film for the podcast (which later our friend Will from Exploding Helicopter fortuitously sent me it again, because I'd lost track of it). It's an interesting read, especially for those curious about how the modern DTV sausage is made. The reality is, Emmett has found something that really works for him and the big screen stars of yesterday that star in his films, but is this a formula that works for us? I guess it does until it doesn't.

We couldn't finish this review without giving some shine to DTVC favorite Daniel Bernhardt. The one hope with more of these movies getting made assembly-line style by Randall Emmett's machine is that guys like Bernhardt get more work. Looking at his IMDb bio, he's getting a lot of smaller things in big budget productions, which is great too. Personally, what I'd like to see is some new Bloodsport sequels. Maybe another Dark Kumite run by Benjamin Franklin inside a prison. Bloodsport V: The Darker Kumite. Actually, Bruce Willis could play Ben Franklin. He's from the Philly area, it'd almost be like going back to his roots. Randall, baby, you gotta like what I'm bringin' here. Just give me the green light, and I can bang out 88 pages in no time. 

And with that, let's wrap this up. This is Bruce Willis's tenth film on the site, and while I don't think it'll be his last, I do think I won't be doing many more of these Willis-Emmett collaborations, so that number may stay at 10 for some time. If you're so inclined to check this out, it is available on Tubi. And the DTVC podcast episode on this that I did with Sean Malloy is available in the podcast archives, episode 88. Thanks again to Sean for coming on, it was a great time!; and if you haven't yet, you should check out his Dolph-themed podcast, I Must Break This Podcast.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4651410

And if you haven't yet, check out my new novel, A Girl and a Gun, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

 

 

 

Kill 'Em All (2017)

I saw this was free on Tubi, and I had to make it happen. For a while, a lot of Van Damme's DTV stuff was harder to get on free streaming services, so I wanted to take advantage of a time when one like this was. Now it looks like a lot of them, including this one, are available again, so the rush to make it happen may not have been warranted, but you never know with streaming services, and at least it's been watched, so now I'm reviewing it. In addition to us, our friends at Bulletproof Action have covered this, so you can go there to see what they thought.

Kill 'Em All has Van Damme as a mysterious man who we find on the verge of death, probably having gone through a horrible ordeal. We also have Autumn Reeser as an emergency room nurse being interrogated by the FBI about a shootout that happened at her hospital. What does she know about this mysterious Van Damme guy in black? As she tells them what she knows, we get to see the film in flashbacks--her flashbacks, but flashbacks nonetheless. What is this Van Damme guy up to? What are his motives? What do the Serbian mafia have to do with it all? I guess we need to sit back for 90 minutes and wait to find out.

 

This is one of those ones that isn't horrible, but the storytelling device I mentioned above gets in the way a bit. I liked what they were trying to do, but from a movie standpoint, I always find that jumping back and forth to be disruptive. Beyond that, there was a great cast: beyond Van Damme and Reeser, we had DTVC favorite Daniel Bernhardt; big picture stalwarts Peter Stormare and Maria Conchita Alonso; and someone we haven't seen since we reviewed 2002's painfest Whacked! in 2008, Paul Sampson. On top of that, the action is pretty good, but we're also saddled with this construct of Van Damme's character having a concussion that, like the classic leg wound, is an issue when it is, but isn't when it isn't, if you know what I mean. By 2017's DTV standards, this isn't bad, and if you're a Van Damme fan, a free stream isn't a bad deal to make it happen.

Mr. Van Damme is closing in on his 61st birthday in a few weeks. 12 years ago, when we covered JCVD, I mentioned then that in that film he was complaining how he was almost 50 years old and he couldn't do those one-shot scenes anymore. By the same token, he was in Pound of Flesh seven years later at 55 showing off his trademark flexibility and trademark buttcheeks. In that latter film, like this one, he's playing someone younger than himself, someone born in the early 70s instead of early 60s. I kind of get it here though, as he needed to be the right age to fit with the unrest in Eastern Europe that his character was born out of. From an action standpoint, he's good here, but it felt like a lot of his fights were him dominating--especially his one with Bernhardt, which I'll get to later. It's like the Seagal problem, where he can never lose, only at least here the fights have more choreography and Van Damme isn't spending the whole film sitting. Maybe we should take our small victories when we get them.

 

Speaking of that Bernhardt fight. My issue was, it wasn't a good "these guys both know how to fight" fight, it had Van Damme dominating, so it didn't really show off what Bernhardt could do, or really give us the payoff we're looking for when we're pitting Van Damme and Bernhardt against each other from the start. It wasn't as bad as Seagal and Byron Mann in A Dangerous Man, but bad enough. As far as Bernhardt, this is now his second film on here since we've come back from hiatus, the other being Santa's Summer House, and while he had more martial arts and action in this film, I think his part in Santa's Summer House gave him more to work with. He was one when we started the blog that we had pegged as a future Hall of Famer, especially with his work in the Bloodport sequels; but then he tailed off, and we even recognized it then, in the late 2000s, that he was doing more smaller parts in big budget films--or even smaller parts in DTV films that had bigger names in them. This was more than that here, but to some extent it also followed the trend a bit too. I wonder if the main issue was, once JCVD fell into the DTV world, the parts for Bernhardt dried up. A similar thing happened to Gary Daniels, and he went a different route, getting leads in lower budget fare in places like Thailand--even doing faith-based films. How can we knock it though when Bernhardt is getting parts in big films like the John Wick franchise?

I want to get back to the storytelling device used here. For me, as someone who enjoys writing novels in my spare time, I can see how this may have looked good on paper--though even trying to map it out as a novel, it still feels like it would come off as something that would hurt the momentum of the plot to go back and forth like that, so imagining it in an action film is worse. They attempted to mitigate that by making the interactions between Reeser and her interrogators, Stormare and Alonso, more tense, but I feel like a storytelling device shouldn't need to be mitigated. Beyond that, I get that there's a bit of a Rashomon element here, as we're getting the story from the viewpoint of what Reeser wants her interrogators to know, but when we think of Rashomon, we don't see this kind of back and forth approach, each story in that is delivered individually. Action is a tricky thing, and I think we see just how tricky with all of the attempts we've witnessed over the years to reinvent the wheel with it.

 

This is another one that has Van Damme's son, Kris, in it, which I always like seeing. It seems like Van Damme kicks his ass a lot, which I kind of also get too--you need to pay your dues in this industry before you get to be the lead--look at Frank Grillo, who's finally getting those parts now. By the same token, there's a sense, whether it's Kris or his daughter Bianca, that Van Damme is passing this business down to his kids. That feels more authentic than just "your dad's Van Damme so he's going to get you into the movies," if that makes sense. According to IMDb, Kris hasn't done a film since 2018, but hopefully we'll see more of him in the future, especially getting his ass kicked by his dad in movies like this.

And with that, let's wrap this up. As of this writing, this is free to stream on Tubi, Crackle, and Plex here in the US. I think that's the way to go, especially if you're a Van Damme fan. Beyond that though, the storytelling style of going back and forth with flashbacks was disruptive, and makes it hard to recommend if you have to pay for it.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5767628/

And if you haven't yet, check out my new novel, A Girl and a Gun, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

 

Santa's Summer House (2012)

Last December I had our friend Mitch from the Video Vacuum on the pod to discuss this movie. It was a curiosity on a lot of levels, as it has some big DTV action names in it with Daniels, Rothrock, Bernhardt, and Kathy Long, plus it was directed by schlock auteur David DeCoteau. I figured now, in July, I could post it as a "Christmas in July" kind of theme. In addition to us, Mitch also reviewed this for his site, so you can go there to get more of his thoughts. Now, without any further ado. 

Santa's Summer House is about some people hoping to go to a resort, but whose van gets lost and they find themselves at a mansion. While the driver looks to see if he can get them back on track, the nice couple who own the mansion allow the people to stay there. You've probably already guessed that this mansion is the big man's summer house, and these people are here for a reason: they have shit they need to work out, and the big man and his wife want to help make that happen. But before they do, we're treated to some croquet. A lot of croquet...

 

This is exactly what you'd think it is: David DeCoteau throwing something together in a week or so, all in the same location, with a group of stars who probably had a week between projects that could be tossed in. The problem is, as a Christmas movie, it doesn't have the schlock fun that a Lifetime thriller DeCoteau's been doing lately would've had. One of the toughest moments was the extended croquet scene that Mitch compared to "rock climbing" and "sandstorm" from MSTK, and it definitely had that element of Deep Hurting. In the pod episode, Mitch and I discussed what we thought this movie could have been. Give us people at a Christmas resort, and somehow there's a hostage situation, and our action heroes need to take them down. Of course, that costs money, and this film was made on the cheap. Ultimately what this is, is a novelty for DTV action fans, and as a completist like me who feels like he has to see them all, I had to do it. If you don't have that desire to see all of Rothrock or Daniels's films, you may want to skip this one.

We'll start with Gary Daniels, as this is his 52nd film on the site. He almost plays the same busy businessman that he played in DeCoteau's The Wrong Child. Again, at least that one had the Lifetime fun thriller element that this one lacked. It feels like we've lost him a bit since he had his 50th movie on here, and I don't know that reviewing this makes up for that, even if he's getting his 52nd tag. It's a reminder that we need to get to more of Daniels's action stuff on the site, especially since I have a bunch in the can that just needs to get reviewed. 

 

The film's other Hall of Famer, Cynthia Rothrock, also hasn't been getting a lot of run on here lately either, which needs to be rectified. She's now at 37 films on the site, and closing in on joining that 40 Club. Unlike Daniels though, we don't currently have any Rothrock in the can that we need to review. I'm probably going to need to dig into her Hong Kong stuff, and see how much of it is on YouTube, if we're going to keep her posts going, as we've done almost all of her US DTV stuff--there's also more like this, like A Doggone Hollywood where she plays "Mom in Car." It's going to test my completist sensibilities for sure. 

Let's have a hearty warm welcome back to the great Daniel Bernhardt, who we haven't seen here in almost 10 years! I have to say, out of everyone in the film, he was playing the jerk character who becomes less jerky later, but to me he seemed like the one I'd most like to go on vacation with. Imagine walking around a resort with him in open polos and linen pants. Let's load up on the best of everything and have our run of the place. And I think a European resort would be even better, with a guy whose Swiss, I wouldn't feel as much like an Ugly American. Total European bros just kickin' it.

 

The superhero movie has become really popular recently, but when you think about it, Santa maybe has the strongest set of powers. He's pretty much omnipotent, at least by this film's standards. He was able to make a fog that redirected the resort van in the direction of his mansion, but also could magically make all of these people book a stay at a local resort. He also has the ability to be omnipresent, as that's the only way to explain how he can put presents in so many houses in one night, even accounting for different time zones. How would you beat Santa then if he became evil? He's like Thanos with all the Infinity Stones. I feel like that kind of power could rip the fabric of time and space. How do you stop someone who could be anywhere at any time? 

And with that, it's time to wrap this up. As of this writing, this is only available to rent on Prime for $.99, which in my mind is still too much, unless you're an extreme completist. If you want to hear more about our discussion, you can check out the podcast episode on iTunes, Stitcher, or Spotify. Thanks again for coming on Mitch, it was a great time!

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2350954

And if you haven't yet, check out my novel, Chad in Accounting, in paperback or on Kindle!

Supreme Champion (2010)

I had been waiting for this one to come to Netflix on DVD for a while, but it was stuck in the old "Saved" queue. Then it found its way on Watch Instantly, but I kept pushing it back for other things. Anyway, now we're here, finally making it happen. Let's see if it was worth the wait.

Supreme Champion has UFC fighter Stephan "American Psycho" Bonnar (though on the cover he looks like Nate "The Rock" Quarry) as a cage fighter/Iraq War hero whose ex-girlfriend comes to him for help. Turns out she's got a gambling addiction, she's into casino owner Daniel Bernhardt for a lot of dough, and he essentially owns her and she doesn't want to be owned by him anymore. Bernhardt has his own idea on how he'd like to settle her debt: he wants Bonnar to fight in his underground illegal cage fighting tournament. Bonnar agrees, only to find out Bernhardt isn't ready to play fair. Now he needs to use all of his fighting skills if he wants to get himself and his girlfriend out alive.



Sounds formulaic, huh? Sounds like you've seen this one tons of times before, right? Maybe, but I don't know if you've seen it this bad. It's like a Skin-a-max flick in terms of quality, from the film stock and special effects, to the forced and un-proofread dialogue, to the failed attempts to salvage said dialogue with acting that didn't quite cut it. Problem here: unlike a Skin-a-max flick, there's no soft core porn; and unlike a great bad action flick, there isn't enough action, and what there is isn't always carried out effectively. I'm not saying you can't do paint-by-numbers-- and this was as paint-by-numbers as it gets, between the forced to fight paradigm to its devolution into a most dangerous game paradigm-- but it can't be paint-by-numbers with no substance too.

I think the fatal flaw was in not allowing Bonnar's unique combination of great martial arts skills and naturally off-beat personality to flourish. First off, the script was so harsh that all the jokes lost any punch they might have had; and Bonnar's delivery sounded more like a guy who was over-thinking his lines than a guy who in real life could pull lines like that off with ease. Then they made his character more serious than off-beat and funny, which he had no ability to pull off. Finally, there weren't enough fight scenes, which is where Bonner could really show off what he can do, and the ones we got weren't always that great. For a first timer, his role and this movie had too much crap going on; he needed things simplified and streamlined. Give us the guy we enjoyed on the inaugural season of The Ultimate Fighter.



Then we have Daniel Bernhardt as the villain. How did he end up here? Is the career really that bad? Was he wondering how he ended up here too? Was he mentally firing his agent as he recited this atrocious dialogue? I mean, this is a far cry away from one of his best, battling in Ben Franklin's Dark Kumite in Bloodsport 4-- it's closer to one of his worst, fighting dinosaurs and Robert Z'Dar in Future War--, but to be fair, he acquits himself well, even if this is pretty rough stuff. It's hard to see him like this, I want to reach through the screen and give him a hug. I have to assume Chuck Norris no longer returns his phone calls.

This movie had an opportunity to take a great detour from the run-of-the-mill forced to fight paradigm, and I was disappointed that it didn't go there. Essentially, they could've removed the "forced" part from it. Why not just have him there of his own volition to fight to pay off his ex's debt? The intrigue could be either in Bernhardt or the other competitors messing with him, or maybe the ex set him up and didn't want to be rescued, but just duped Bonnar so she could help out Bernhardt. For once I'd like to see someone try something new with these retreaded ideas.



The man to blame here is right above, one Mr. Ted Fox. He was the writer, producer, director, and actor. This was his Citizen Kane. I don't know if this was a rush job, something that was his baby that he had to change a lot and sacrifice a lot of to get it on the shelves, whatever it is, it didn't have a professional look to it. The thing is, when you look at Fox's resume as a producer, he's got some bigger projects to his name, including the flick Setup with Bruce Willis. I have to think this is one he'd like to have back.

So even though this is available on Watch Instantly, I'm not sure it's worth it. You've seen it before, and you've seen it done better before. Even the Daniel Bernhardt or Stephan Bonnar factor isn't enough.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1283546/

Global Effect (2002)

I had planned to do another Daniel Bernhardt flick in this spot, but Netflix was removing this from Watch Instantly, and I figured I wouldn't be getting to it any other way, so I didn't want to miss this chance. Should I have passed it up though? We'll see.

Global Effect takes place in South Africa, where a nasty virus has popped up, killing all 85 members of a small village. After the area has been firebombed to contain it, some hazmat cats find a boy that escaped, and they take his remains to the lab, where Mädchen Amick researches the virus and discovers a cure. Enter a terrorist group, which kidnaps her, and takes the virus and what they think is the antidote with them. Their plan: spread the virus among the South African population. Now it's up to Daniel Bernhardt and MacPhearson from Space Mutiny (anyone else want to confuse loyalty with treason?) to save the day and stop the spread of the virus.



Which they kinda don't do. I'm not kidding. Cape Town is completely leveled. There you go, we've wiped out an enormous city. And the funny thing: it didn't have to happen. This movie employs the Two Ending Padding Maneuver, meaning the film comes to what should be a natural ending, only to be extended for the sake of taking on an extra 20 to 30 minutes. And it's in that extended time that Cape Town just happens to get blown up. How is that something we want to see? Who goes into watching a movie thinking "man, I hope an enormous S. African city is leveled and millions of men, women, and children are killed?" And I don't mean War of the Worlds style, I mean we could've ended the movie but just decided not to in order to level this city. Seriously, did the people making this movie not like Cape Town? Oh yeah, on top of all this, the movie dragged, had some good action but not enough of it, and spent more time in the Pentagon with character actors bickering than it did with Bernhardt and Amick not saving the day.

Mr. Bernhardt, it's been over two years, but you finally have your 10th tag. I kind of liked him here. He got to flex some martial arts muscles, but not really enough for what he should be cast for. A lot of great Bernhardt close-up though. If you ladies-- and some men-- are into Bernhardt's dark chiseled features, you may enjoy this-- though there are no shirtless scenes, so maybe you won't. The other problem is, due to the way the story unfolds, we lose him for a good chunk, which is a waste. This should've gone to it's natural ending, where Amick gets back to her lab and creates the antidote, but instead of the terrorist coming back and taking it-- which led to another 20 minutes of crap and the death of Cape Town--, Bernhardt should fight them off, then pursue the baddie and his gang as they're trying to board their ship to escape, which would be a better ending with a big action finale.



We're a long way from Twin Peaks, aren't we Ms. Amick? I can't imagine what she was thinking in this movie. I guess, considering this wasn't her first trip on the DTV rodeo post-Twin Peaks, she was probably old hat by 2002. This is also the classic Damsel in Distress Disguised as a Strong Character Maneuver, where Amick is sold that she's a big shot doctor who cures the world of a horrible plague, but still spends the bulk of the film strapped to a chair and menaced by the lead baddie. Whether you're a doctor or a stripper, when you're in an action movie, you're in need of rescuing.

This had a pile of other character actors that are common to South African late 90s/early 2000s DTV, people who we either recognize from Dudikoff flicks early in that span, or Seagal flicks later on. One that stood out for me was Kirk B.R. Woller. He's pretty much done every syndicated TV show and broadcast crime drama-- including a reoccurring role on The X-Files-- but we at the DTVC remember him best as the FBI agent in our first review ever, Boa vs. Python. As always, in every film he does, he makes gross faces and acts like a jerk. Sometimes he's a good jerk, and sometimes-- like here-- he's a bad jerk. That's Kirk B.R. Woller, if you need him.



"Who else wants to confuse loyalty with treason?" "Um, I'd like to confuse bok choy with cabbage, sir." Yes, it's the crippled bad guy that Reb Brown burns alive in Space Mutiny, playing Bernhardt's commanding officer. Another of the film's lame moves, they kill him off rather early in-- a much more dignified death than the one in Space Mutiny--, but still. Also, I can't believe I didn't notice before that he was the bad guy in Kickboxer 5. Yeah, the guy who starts the kickboxing organization and kills people who don't join. (I even just looked at my review of it and saw his picture up there!)

Not a great movie, I can tell you that. Convoluted plot that wrote itself into a weird corner that allowed only for blowing up Cape Town, combined with too much crap in the Pentagon and too little of the great action and martial arts we need from Bernhardt. If you miss this on Watch Instantly, you're not missing much.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0330333/

The Librarians aka Strike Force (2003)

There's a weird story surrounding this film. I looked Daniel Bernhardt up on imdb, and saw a movie called The Librarians listed that also starred Burt Reynolds. According to Amazon, it wasn't available to buy. Anyway, so I'm waiting for word about that one, and in that time, I find a movie at my local record store called Strike Force, which listed William Forsythe, Erika Eleniak, and our hero, Daniel Bernhardt. I bought it along with the Rothrock classic Outside the Law, watched and reviewed that one, and Strike Force was lost in the shuffle. So I find Strike Force while digging up Dolph Lundgren's Cover Up, and figure I'll give it a shot. That's when I type it into imdb's database, and it comes up The Librarians. Crazy how the world of DTV movies works, huh? (Is that the longest opening paragraph to a post ever?)

The Librarians has Forsythe heading a mercenary team, including Bernhardt, that specializes in rescuing kidnapped peoples. They're hired by an old friend to find his grand daughter. She's been kidnapped by a dude who's into all kinds of bad stuff, including white slavery. Erika Eleniak is after this dude as well, because he captured her sister. Forsythe and his crew really have their work cut out for them dealing with this guy-- at least that's what the movie tells us, but they seem to make it look easy.



This is pretty funny. It's not awesome, at any point. I got the sense that Forsythe was tired of playing bad guys, so he made this movie with a buddy of his so he could play the good guy for once. Not only that, but I think he hates punk kids. The evil white slavery et al gang he fights call themselves the Techno Kids. This is pretty much Forsythe's personal applause movie. Is it as bad as any of Kevin Costner's (For the Love of the Game, for instance), probably not. The action's pretty good, but disappears quite a bit in favor of silly conversations where women remark on how "smooth" Forsythe is, or where Forsythe tells us why what he's doing means so much to him, which is really annoying. Of course, we also get to see Forsythe's perma-scowl the whole time, so it's funny.

I think more than anything, Forsythe was in over his head here, and though it comes off as ridiculous, it actually could've been more enjoyable in parts. Bernhardt fights Matthias Hues in one scene, and that should've been hot. Instead it was a series of silly images of Bernhardt doing roundhouses at nothing and Hues flying backward. Yes, it was great to make fun of, but I was also disappointed that I was promised a fight between two great DTV action stars, and got a bunch of crap. That's the problem with these kinds of things: is it worth renting this to make fun of, when it's so bad?



I probably should've reviewed this on Monday, because that was Daniel Bernhardt's 44th birthday. Well, I'm sorry. Happy belated birthday, Danny. This is his ninth film here at the DTVC, which is more than some Hall of Famers (Cynthia Rothrock, for instance). He'll be tied with C. Thomas Howell for most among non HOFers. What scares me about Bernhardt is that he's following Howell's path. In Howell's case, he's made enough films to be considered, it's just a matter of if they're good enough or not, and a lot of them aren't. Bernhardt doesn't have the resume, but his recent spate of films hasn't done him any favors either. This movie makes it three posts in a row where Bernhardt wasn't the main star of the film. That's even worse when you consider those three are the three newest films of his we've reviewed. According to imdb, he hasn't been top billed since 2004's Nature Unleashed: Tornado. He has a new film that hasn't been released yet, called Ultimate Champion, where his name is right under UFC star Stephan Bonner's. We'll see what happens there, but it's not looking good for the Poor Man's Van Damme.

This is the second film we've done with the great Burt Reynolds, the other being the Albert Pyun mess Crazy Six. I looked him up on imdb, and saw he was in a movie called In the Name of the King. Remember that one? Jason Statham, in the theaters about two years ago? Wow, I never actually saw it, but it looked hilarious, and I saw that it only made about $5 mill in the box office. Maybe I should do a week of movies that should've been DTV, but weren't. So far I got that one and Basic Instinct 2. Can anyone think of any others?



I want to devote a paragraph to this guy. Ed Lauter. He was also in two other recently reviewed movies: The Sweeper and Mercenary. A That Guy if there ever was one, he's usually cast as a detective or government agent of some sort. Often, he's not a good guy, so if you see him, he's probably up to now good. Considering he's shown up so much recently I needed to give him some love, so this is for you Ed Lauter, you're one of the good ones.

If you can get this cheap, go for it. I found it on DVD for $3, and that may have actually been too much, but in NH we have no sales tax, so it was a solid $3. That's definitely the breaking point. At the very least, it's funny to watch Forsythe go through all the trouble just to make himself a good guy. We're sorry you make such a great bad guy, it's not our fault.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0362820/

Children of Wax aka The Killing Grounds (2005)

I think I first got wind of this film when Netflix recommended it to me after I put something else in my queue. A lot of times what they recommend is some Nicolas Cage or Will Smith sack-of-asscrack, but every once in a while they recommend something like this that has some potential.

The Killing Grounds takes place in Berlin and focuses on the tension between the Turkish population and the local skinheads. Daniel Bernhardt plays a Turkish ganglord who, with his younger brother, is fighting a group of skinheads trying to muscle in on his turf. Then some children are found dead. They're Turkish, but have been painted white. The Turks and local police blame the skinheads, but detective Armand Assante, himself playing a Turk, is called in to investigate, and he thinks there's more going on here. He's right, but can he get to the bottom of things before a war breaks out between the two gangs.



I kind of dug what this movie was going for. I liked the idea of having racial tensions in Berlin as a backdrop. Those kinds of things are often only depicted in American cities. On the other hand, the storyline focusing on the serial killer bordered on too Lifetime-y, and the one about the gang war can't decide if it wants to be an action film or a drama. That's never good, because we know in the end it's the action that suffers, and no one wants that.

This is the eighth film reviewed that featured Daniel Bernhardt in it. That's good for most among actors not in the DTVC Hall of Fame. That may change with all the Ice-T in the pipeline and the fact that I'm running out of Bernhardt to review. Anyway, in this he plays a Turk, which wasn't made clear immediately, so I thought maybe he was an Israeli. Boy, do I have egg on my face. He has like one or two decent fight scenes, and they weren't even that decent. For someone who kicks as much ass as he does, he needed to do it more here. Complete waste.



Armand Assante was solid as a man of Turkish decent growing up in Germany. Considering he grew up in New York City, it was amazing how well he made us believe he was at home in Berlin. I'm curious to see him play Nietzsche in When Nietzsche Wept, which I heard was a horrible movie. He's a great professional actor who always seems to turn in a quality performance, and it's kind of surprising he found his way into a stinker like this. According to imdb, he's always working, so it can't be that. It's possible that the part intrigued him, which, if that's true, would be really cool.

Whenever a film takes place in a non-English speaking country, there's always the issue of what to do about the language. The Pianist probably did the best job, having all the Polish characters speak English, and the Germans speak German, to keep them as foreigners. In other cases, like this movie, you have the deal where they want everyone to speak English, but then have the characters say occasional terms in their native tongue, like a Scheise! here or there. That makes no sense. I understand not putting the film in German in order to make it more accessible to the US, where you'd get the most cash; but it looks silly if they relapse randomly. It's like they're speaking English to each other as a second language. Any bad movie director looking to set a film in Europe, watch The Pianist.



I don't know what Udo Kier was doing in this. He plays the serial killer, which makes sense, because Kier likes playing villains; but he must be getting scripts for much better work. How could you not want Udo Kier in your film? Exactly. He's Udo Fucking Kier. Maybe he dug this gig because it was close to home in Germany, but that doesn't make any sense either, because imdb says he lives in LA. Maybe, since he's in this so little, he was shooting something else near by, and figured he'd make a little extra cash. God, I hope so.

The reality is, this is a snooze fest that'll first sedate you, then anger you when you realize you spent money to watch it. Don't be that guy or girl, don't spend money on it. Take the money you would've spent, and get yourself something nice: you deserve it.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0479880/

The Cutter (2005)

I'm not a big Chuck Norris guy. I kind of liked watching Bruce Lee kick his ass, and Good Guys Wear Black wasn't so bad. Walker, on the other hand, was just a whole mess of Conservative propaganda served up in a dude in a pick-up who drove around and beat the crap out of stunt men. The only way I could handle that was on Conan with the classic Walker: Texas Ranger Lever.

The Cutter has Norris as a disgraced cop-turned-PI who's helping a woman find her uncle. Her uncle's an expert diamond cutter, and he's been kidnapped by none other than DTVC fave Daniel Bernhardt. Bernie needs him to cut some huge stones that he's stolen from some archaeologists. Norris chases him around, Bernie kicks his ass, an asshole FBI dude gets in the way, and finally for no good reason other than he's Norris, he bests Bernhardt and saves the day. Tracy Scoggins is in this as well.



Bernhardt was awesome in this. If he didn't murder seven innocent archaeologists in cold blood, he'd have been perfect. As it was, he was way more of a sympathetic figure than Norris was. This film had some religious undertones, which wasn't a surprise considering Norris' recent support of Huckabee as a presidential candidate. It was cute listening to Norris quote the Bible here and there. Otherwise, this is the same schlock fare of good guy with a good heart who triumphs over the bad guys, and its predictability is hard to cope with.

Norris is a pretty bad actor. I think I always knew it, but here it was worse than usual. He was like a Rudy Giuliani or Peyton Manning on SNL. The thing was, most of his fellow actors weren't that bad, which exacerbated his lack of ability, like a Will Farrell trying to work with Britney Spears in a sketch. I can accept this poor acting if the martial arts are there, like I do with Don "The Dragon" Wilson, but Norris was lacking there too. He got his ass kicked by Bernhardt for most of the film, and when he did best him it was because the plot demanded it, and it was really unrealistic.



Let's get back to Bernie. Here's a cat that's totally lobbying the panel for induction into next year's Direct to Video Connoisseur Hall of Fame. He was too sweet in this as an international professional criminal. The mustache was a great touch when he was sneaking into the country. His demeanor far surpassed Norris'. I know he was presented as the slick European juxtaposition to Norris' good ol' American values, but I can't lie, Bernie sells the former better. I love a beat up old Chevy truck as much as a fully loaded Mercedes, but if the beat up old Chevy ain't getting me from point A to point B, give me the fucking import and let's go balls to the wall all the way to Albuquerque. I wouldn't have minded it at all if Bernhardt succeeded in his plans and won the movie. I also know a Norris production could never be that creative to give as cool an ending as that.

Marshall Teague is in this as Norris' good buddy in the local police department. You may remember Teague as the guy from Road House who fucked guys like Dalton in prison, and had his throat summarily ripped out for making said declaration. After a role like that, I have trouble trusting those dudes. He needed to double cross Norris, and it never happened. He should've been on the take helping out Bernie, and Norris could've found out and ripped his throat out too. Had that happened, it would've been the coolest non-Bernhardt thing in the film.



Tracy Scoggins is in this. Many probably remember her from Babylon 5 and her great role as Cassandra in Highlander: The Series. That story arc with Methos and The Four Horseman might have been one of the best ever for a syndicated TV show. This also has Joanna Pacula, who was in the previously reviewed Warlock: Armageddon. I wonder how she felt acting with Norris after acting with Julian Sands.

This is not a movie to rent by yourself. You need about four or five like minded people to sit with you and help you make fun of this. Bernhardt's awesomeness is overshadowed by Norris' stupidness, and it'll take some work from you and your friends to withstand Norris by mocking every minute of this film. If you watch it alone you might stab your eyes out, and we here at the DTVC don't ever want to see anyone hurt by these films.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0432267/

Perfect Target (1997)

It must be difficult on some levels being Daniel Bernhardt. He's billed as the poor man's Jean-Claude Van Damme, but with Van Damme's stock having fallen so much, Van Damme's essentially become the poor man's Van Damme, and Bernhardt's left out in the cold. He needs a career make-over, and I think I'm the guy to do it. Okay, maybe not, but it'd be cool.

Perfect Target has Mr. Bernhardt buttressed by two screen greats, Robert Englund and Brian Thompson, in a South American action thriller in a fictitious South American country. You'd think maybe a Nostromo rip-off, but these film makers definitely don't have the wherewithal to read Conrad. Instead Thompson and Englund are baddies (surprise surprise) and they set up Bernhardt and another dude (who you may have seen on TV if you watch CBS crime dramas) for the assassination of the country's president. It turns out the pres's wife was in cahoots with Thompson and Englund to get her in power, and Bernhardt has to flee with the other guy into the jungle, where it just so happens the other guy has a hot sister that's leading a rebellion. The rebels suck, so Bernhardt trains them into well-oiled killing machines, then he invades the presidential compound to reclaim what was rightfully his. I don't know what that was, though.



Wow. That's all I can say. It doesn't get much sillier than this movie. And Bernhardt leads the silly parade. He's the grand marshal. Perfect Target was one of Bernie's first films, and he still had some work to do to refine his craft. Not that he doesn't still have some work to do, it's just that then he really had some work to do, and his on-the-job education was plenty entertaining for us. This was no Bloodsport 4.

Brian Thompson is Brian Thompson. I was surprised it took as long as it did (like 15 minutes in) before he showed himself to be a bad guy. His imdb mini-bio lists him as being a versatile actor. Yes, he's versatile at being Brian Thompson. He can be Brian Thompson as Shao Khan, or Brian Thompson as the guest star on this week's JAG, but he's always Brian Thompson. I, for one, am cool with that. I've rocked with a bunch of really bad films in my time on this planet, this one included, and I can say it's a joy to know that whenever I see that classic Brian Thompson face, I know that's one element of the movie that I don't have to worry about being bad. Another note on the face: if it wasn't for Robert Z'Dar's existence, Brian Thompson would have the most ridiculous visage in Hollywood. As it stands, though, his face is just kinda funny, because Z'Dar's is ridiculous.



Robert Englund takes a turn here as someone other than a horror movie villain. For me, my favorite film he did was Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, and that's only because of that too sweet Dokken song on the soundtrack, "Dream Warriors". Is that not the best song ever? I loved it in the video when the lead guitarist broke out of chains in Freddy's dungeon just in time for his guitar solo. Why don't they make videos like that anymore? The 80s were so cool.

As far as the rest of the film goes, there's not much there. The action sucks sorta kinda. At the very beginning Bernhardt throws down in a cockfighting ring, and that's all right. That leads the viewer to think this might not be boring and plodding, but it so is. What they should've done was just send Bernhardt around to various cockfighting venues and have him get into brawls with Thompson and Englund looking on in derision. I'd still go with Perfect Target as the title. I'd also use 'Dream Warriors' as the movie's theme song. Maybe it could even end at a cockfight that Dokken was performing at. God that would rule.



One classic bad action cliche that this bad boy upheld was the hot chick who looks hot even while roughing it in the jungle. Bernie's love interest did an excellent job of not only leading an armed insurgency, but also keeping her hair very bouncy and her complexion soft. Unlike many of these films where the hotness of the actress is just window dressing, here it has a utilitarian function. If she hadn't been as hot, Bernhardt wouldn't have stayed around to train her rebels. He wanted to flee to the next country and start over, but the prospect of sleeping with the rebel leader kept him on board. As opposed to the rest of the film, I actually bought that part. Of course it was based on the ludicrous premise that a Hollywood caliber make-up artist lived in the jungle with her and had the resources there to make her look like she hadn't been sleeping outside in a tropical rain forest for however many years. Six of one, half a dozen of another I guess.

This is a cute film, and if you and your buddies really want a bad one to trash on movie night, you may want to toss it in if your video store is offering a rent one get one free deal. It's got plenty of material to work with. Overall I'd say this is meant strictly for pain junkies like myself who like their movies really bad, and don't care who knows it-- and it was even pretty bad for me.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119883/

Future War (1997)

My buddies and I first saw this classic on MST3K. Being a big Bernhardt fan from his work on the Mortal Kombat show and the Bloodsport movies, the film was particularly special. But it's also sufficiently ridiculous to make a solid MST3K episode.

Future War is about neither a war or the future. It's about these cyborgs that have enslaved the human race in the future, and Bernhardt plays one that's escaped. For some reason the cyborgs go back in time to take slaves. Also, there's a big ship that's in play. The cyborgs use dinosaurs as trackers when a slave escapes. Bernhardt, in escaping the dinosaurs, falls into the clutches of a drug user turned nun who tries to help him. He learns English quickly and recruits her and her teen gang to give their lives to save his from the dinosaurs. In the end Bernhardt heroically saves the day.



This film is a work of beauty. I'm still not exactly sure what the film makers were going for, and I think that makes it all the more endearing. The dinosaurs are extremely hilarious. I don't know why they're there, what they're doing, or how they kill people. Also, when they die, they explode into a cloud of dust. I'm surprised the Christian Right doesn't use this film to refute the dinosaur's existence. If they all explode into clouds of dust when they die, then how do paleontologists find their bones?

The cyborg chasing Bernhardt is sweet too. He's got this big, doughy face, and looks more silly than imposing. His two main modes of attack on Bernhardt are his arm, which shoots a collar that attaches itself to Bernhardt's neck and restricts his movement; and his superhuman strength, which he uses to throw Bernhardt through stacks of empty boxes. He also indiscriminately kills other people, which gives the movie a slasher film element.

This may be Bernhardt's best role. He's extremely believable as the human slave who becomes fluent in English in a day or two, and can out fight large, plastic dinosaurs. When some investigators cut out this large tracking device from the back of his neck, you can really see in his face just how absurd it is. He can also stab dinosaurs with a knife, leave the knife in it, then have it magically reappear in his hand.



This film has a tribute to the Bunuel classic Viridiana. It has the soon-to-be nun who takes in a bunch of riff-raff that no one else believes in, and gives them a chance at a better life. I'm wondering if the film makers had trouble reconciling Bunuel's ending, where the riff-raff take advantage of the woman's largess by destroying her late aunt's nice house, and two of them almost rape her; because here the riff-raff performs admirably as they give their lives to the dinosaurs and cyborgs so Bernhardt can save the day. On the other hand, they may be making the statement that that's all the poor are good for. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this by finding a connection between this and the greatest Spanish director of all time, and really the film makers just thought the idea of a nun with a sordid past was hot.

You could probably buy this for like $5 on DVD. Do it. You won't be disappointed. Whether you're a novice or a pro at mocking films, this is a must have. If you can get the MST3K version of it, do that too. They did a great job, as they always do, in making a silly film even better. You just can't go wrong here.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113135/

Bloodsport 3 (1997)

I had seen Bloodsports 1, 2, and 4, so I guess it was inevitable that I'd get out there and see this one. I'm not sure if there's a plan to make a fifth in this series, but I hope so. I'd like to write it maybe. Here's an idea: Bernhardt has to go to Colombia, undercover, to fight in a Colombian Kumite and take down a drug lord. The catch is, he has to beat the famous Mexican wrestler King-- the one from Tekken fame. Bernhardt has to find a way around the dreaded Giant Swing.

Bloodsport 3 takes place who knows how long after part two. Evil crimelord John Rhys-Davies wants to hold his own kumite, and have Bernhardt throw the final fight so he can make some serious cash on the betting. Bernhardt refuses, so Rhys-Davies blows up James Hong's apartment with him in it. Bernie's pissed, so he asks Pat Morita for advice. Morita suggests he learn from Hong's brother, the guy who ran the last Kumite. He trains, only to find out Rhys-Davies doesn't want him in the kumite anymore, because he can't rig with Bernhardt in it. In a ruse reminiscent of Conan the Barbarian, Berndoggy dons a cloak and sneaks in. Once in, the fans would get suspicious if Rhys-Davies made him leave, so he's gotta stay. In the end he beats this big Kazakh warrior. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention it's told in flashback format by Bernhardt to his son while he's teaching the kid some discipline.

I actually think this wasn't as bad as 2 or 4. Unlike the others, where Bernhardt plays an underdog, in this one he's a pissed off favorite. It's pretty cool. I just saw The Quest the other day, which is a film Van Damme did with Frank Dux that's pretty much Bloodsport set in 1925. It was boring. Bloodsport 2 was pretty much just Bloodsport one without Van Damme and Bolo Yeung. This film actually switched up the Bloodsport paradigm some, and it's a shame more films like this don't do that.

On the other hand, the requisite training scenes mired this film in every-other-movie-ness. I can't really figure out why he needed the training, if he was understood to be the best fighter in the world. It's like they did it because they felt they had to. That was one thing Bloodsport 4 did away with. I could see a few scenes of him in the gym trying to make it work, but a whole trip to the mountains to learn to fight all over again just seemed superfluous.

This may be my favorite Bernhardt role. It was just cool at the end to see him so pissed off and determined. If they carried that through to the end baddie, it would have been perfect. Sasha Mitchell did a similar thing in Kickboxer 4, and I'm a big fan of it. I like the idea of the hero being a bad ass who kicks it into gear and delivers some brutality.

This is a good bad action movie for a bad movie night rental. I've seen it listed sometimes on channels like Encore Action, and it's worth TiVoing if you catch it on one of those. It helps some to have seen 2 first, but only so much. You could buy it, but don't pay more than a few bucks.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115714/

G2 (1998)

I'd like to see Daniel Bernhardt in the DTVC Hall of Fame someday. It's hard though, when I see films of his like this. I actually bought this after Amazon.com suggested it when I picked up Future War. That's probably the best way they can unload this frightening movie.

G2 follows Daniel Bernhardt, who is either the reincarnated or actual general that protected Alexander the Great and his sword. Some Mongols, led by James Hong, fight with him. In the present day, Hong and his cronies lure Bernhardt out through underground pit fights... I think. Then a Mongol dies, and a blue bolt of lightening hits him, and he disappears... I think. In the end, Bernhardt vanquishes Hong, gets the sword back, gets the girl, and lives happily ever after... I think...

I don't know what happened here. The script was like a bad short story from an introductory creative writing class--only the professor didn't go over it with the red pen. At no point are we told: why they're immortal, if they're immortal or just reincarnated, what's up with the sword, why someone who dies is hit by lightening and disappears, and most importantly, why Bernhardt is fighting in underground pit fights. Those were things that we as the audience needed to comprehend the movie.

James Hong wasn't a bad baddie; if only we understood his motivation. Based on his acting performance, I'm not sure he understood it either. There were points where he was almost laughing at the ludicrousness of the film. I would think for a filmmaker it would be time for an agonizing reappraisal of the situation when your top baddie is laughing onscreen at the script.

For Daniel Bernhardt, this was pre-the Mortal Kombat show, so maybe we can give him the benefit of the doubt. I would, but his sword fighting in this sucked. There wasn't much of his martial arts either. As an action film with Daniel Bernhardt, I expected him to get into some good fights. I can forgive a Swiss cheese plot if the fight scenes are there. Mr. Bernhardt, your application to the DTVC Hall of Fame is still pending. Let me know if you need someone to write the script to Bloodsport 5.

I wouldn't buy this unless it was packaged with another Bernhardt movie. I mean, Future War might have been worse than this, but it has the distinction of being mocked on MST3K. Now that there is no more MST3K, there is no more saving grace for this film. I would even say that in renting it it's a waste of money, because it's so bad, mocking it doesn't help. Even though it's not a DTV film, I'd go for Highlander 2 (not the renegade version, either) if you want a silly film about immortals that has a plot that makes no sense. At least in that one, you got DTVC Hall of Famer Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery, and Michael Ironside.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0176741/

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/