Second in Command (2006)

Van Damme, way more than Dolph or Rutger Hauer, is a difficult cast as an American serviceman. The other two have almost no accent, and what accent they have make their speech cooler. Van Damme, of course, has a thick accent, thus forcing screenwriters to come up elaborate explanations for why he's an American that doesn't sound like one. I'm not sure I understand why this is done. Why not just put him in the movie as an American with a French accent? It's not like the lack of continuity will take away some of the credibility of Van Damme's films, because they really don't have any credibility to begin with.

Second in Command is about a fictitious Eastern European country called Moldavia that is in turmoil. The benevolent, altruistic, democratically elected president is facing a coup at the hands of a brutal militia intent on installing a military dictatorship. Our government wants to prevent this coup, so we call in Van Damme. The militia lays siege to the US Embassy and it's up to Van Damme to protect the people, the embattled president, and the tenets of Democracy and Freedom, until the Marines show up with reinforcements. Along the way, he has to battle the Liberal News Media and Left Wing Big Government Bureaucracy, who hinder his attempt to vanquish the evil militia.



This is a Right Wing propaganda film. It's not as funny as Red Scorpion, but yet isn't as brutally Right Wing as The Hunt For Eagle One movies. At the end of the movie, the militia feigns a retreat, and a liberal bureaucrat tells Van Damme they "Cut and Run". Only a few moments later, he's shot and killed by a Russian general, who the liberal thought was there to help the US, but instead was supporting the militia. Once a Commie, always a Commie.

This film smacked to me of the kind of film John Wayne would make during the Vietnam War. I know what you're thinking, and I thought it too: could a man with a French accent be this generation's John Wayne? At least in this film, yes, and it's a fantastic irony. I hadn't considered it before I saw Second in Command, but the only actor who compares to the late career of Wayne in terms of actually thinking he's the hero he depicts in his film, is Van Damme. I'm not talking about Stagecoach, I'm talking about the silly films he did much later on. It's like when you watch them, you feel like they're (Wayne and Van Damme) the only ones who don't realize how silly they look.

One issue I had with the film is one I probably only have because I have a degree in anthropology, and pursued an advanced degree in political science. Having studied the US involvement in Developing Nations, I see the naivety in this plot. The idea that the US would risk the lives of troops to protect a president of a failing country that has no strategic importance to us is ludicrous. Take it a step further to look at the actual political realities in the country, and the plot becomes even more idealistic: it would be more probable that the democratically elected president was put in power in a rigged election and the militia is popularly supported by a nation of people sick of starving while the fat cats live high on the hog off US aid. Then the militia installs a dictatorship that starts off nice, only to commit the same crimes the previous regime did. I know it's too much to expect a bad action film to be realistic, but it can't have it both ways and expect to be taken seriously as a form of political expression, while at the same time being wholly unrealistic.

The previous long paragraph works as a metaphor for the whole movie: long periods of useless elucidation breaking up lackluster moments of action. When the State Department tells Van Damme they're sending soldiers, instead of us taking their word for it, we have to see a bunch of scenes of military units communicating and mobilizing. There's also a lot of discussion about a plot that doesn't really exist. There are no twists, no ulterior motives, just a monolithic Good v. Evil paradigm. This can be forgiven, if the bad action is there, but it isn't, so I found my attention moving elsewhere.



I'm totally unsure why Van Damme's in this film at all. He doesn't use his martial arts except for like two quick scenes. If you're not going to use his martial arts, then why have a man with a French accent play a US Military officer? Maybe he was the only one available who didn't have any qualms about the political nature of the film. It just made the film look sillier.

I was intrigued with the way this film dealt with the Liberal News Media. As opposed Hunt for Eagle One, where Mark Dacascos treats her with utter contempt and disgust, here, Van Damme is in love with her. He may decry her "stubbornness", and it is her fault that the militia knows the embassy's escape plan, but she's also very attractive. Van Damme keeps her at arm's length and gets what he needs out of her. She, in turn, softens her resolve when she sees how his way of doing things is the only way to succeed. In a great plot device, the Liberal News Media's weak willed demeanor prevents her from shooting the head baddie, which leaves us with a one-on-one showdown between him and Van Damme. It's one of the few times we see Van Damme flex his martial arts, again, one of many disappointing features of the movie.

The baddie was pretty cool. Considering it was hard for me to believe the president was the nice guy he said he was, and that the only really bad thing the bad guy did was blow up a bus full of innocent people, this film had the Destro effect. I was totally rooting for him to win. I didn't want him to kill US Marines, even if it was only a movie, but I would have settled for a retreat and maybe a solid ass kicking for Van Damme. In a movie with a simple Good v. Evil premise, the fact that the bad guy was the coolest character has to be maybe the most indicative example of how bad this movie is.

I'm sure there are Van Damme completists out there that haven't seen this, and will see it despite my warnings, and let me say to you that I fully understand. Just be ready, and make sure you rent a back up movie. There's plenty to make fun of in it, but with such a slow moving plot (even for an 86 minute run time), chances are you and your friends will lose interest, even if you're making fun of it. I'd say even if you're into Right Wing propaganda films, you'll have trouble making it through this one. It's so bad Dick Cheney will be asking if Countdown With Keith Olbermann is on.



For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0458471

The Killer's Edge or Blood Money (1990)

I found this film on VHS while milling around on the Internet. I had come into a little cash, and what better way to spend it than on DTVC Hall of Famer Wings Hauser's movies, especially when they have the ridiculously huge faced Robert Z'Dar in them.

The Killer's Edge is about Wings Hauser as an LA cop who likes to shoot first and ask questions later, and is also a great detective. Go figure. While trying to turn a corner in his life and settle down, a huge counterfeiting ring is ambushed by Robert Z'Dar, forcing Wings to ditch the women he wants to settle down with, which makes her so angry she does things like throw fruit at him and have sex with him. This isn't Wings' only issue. Z'Dar, who I may have forgotten to mention above has a huge face, was an old buddy in 'Nam that saved Wings' life. Also, the 90s have arrived, and Wings and the rest of the cast are fighting this fact vehemently, insisting on dressing like the year was 1984. Eventually Z'Dar kidnaps Wings' woman, and then tries to shoot Wings and his woman from a helicopter with a rocket launcher. Luckily Wings put a remote device on the helicopter before it took off, and somehow when he hit a button from another remote device, the helicopter exploded.



When seeking out a film where Wings is the star, not just a bad guy on an action series like Walker, Texas Ranger or a TV movie like Kevin Sorbo's Avenging Angel, as the movie watcher, you're venturing into dicey territory. This film is indicative of that. We're talking pretty lousy stuff here. Yet my friends and I really liked this one. It's a fairly rich mine of material. The script is horrible and implausible: things like rocket launchers pop up out of nowhere, and a drunk Wings visits his fiancee's 6th grade class on a field trip to the skating rink.

Did I mention this film has the huge faced Robert Z'Dar? I must start by giving credit to the site where I got these pics of him from. If you want to see more of this gargantuan face, check out: http://members.tripod.com/~bmovies/zdar/zdar.htm This face thing is not something that's funny to look at once. It's a major scene stealer throughout the movie. I've seen other Z'Dar films, and no matter what, it's always the same: I can't get over that face. It rules.

The body count in this is rather substantial. Pretty much everywhere Z'Dar or Wings go, four or five people are shot to death. My buddy's wife, who's from Canada, asked if a cop can kill that many people without going up on review. In real life, I guess it just depends on who you kill, but I got the impression from this film that when Wings does get suspended, it's because the chief doesn't like him, not due to the body count, and even then the chief's overruled when the FBI chick investigating the counterfeiting recognizes him as the detective savant he is.



Another great aspect is the clothing. My friends were convinced this film was made in 1984. Me, being a veteran of bad films, knew how bad film makers are usually 7 to 10 years behind on fashion trends. This movie was actually cutting edge, because it was only five or six years behind. I loved Wings' woman wearing a long sweater and black stirrup pants to the skating rink. I was turned on.

The Wings Hauser movie is a bit of an acquired taste, but once you've acquired it, there's really no going back. What's great about this one is the Z'Dar factor. He's so hilarious on his own, that you don't need to be a real pro at mocking movies to be able to handle it. For me, it's a great introduction to the Wings Hauser category of bad action, perhaps even better than Mind, Body, and Soul. I'd rent it if you see it at your video store, and you may want to buy it for like $2-$4.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102211/

Today You Die (2005)

Steven Seagal, though entering the DTV arena only a few years ago, has become quite the prolific actor. I always loved Seagal's films at his peak in the 90s with cats like Van Damme and Schwarzenegger. His DTV fare has actually been an improvement on his big screen roles, and for anyone who's avoided these films, I suggest you consider giving them a look-see: this is bad action at some of it's finest.

Today You Die has Seagal as some kind of Robin Hood type looking to settle down with his wife and live a straight life. Of course, he makes the stupid move of taking a job driving an armored truck for Kevin Tighe. Only Patrick Swayze has been able to take a job from Kevin Tighe successfully, as everyone else has been double crossed. Seagal is no exception, and he's forced to plot an unlikely escape from prison with Naughty By Nature's Treach. It seems he's hid Tighe's money. After some shootouts and what not, Seagal kills everyone not on his side, and then they donate the money to a local children's hospital. Sweet.

Seagal is off the hook in this. He's put on some pounds, so he's not as fit as Dolph or Van Damme, and as such, he has to wear a puffy sweatshirt to bed in order to not show off his spare tire. I guess the question is: would Orson Welles ever be caught dead sleeping in a sweatshirt? I doubt it. Don't be so self-conscious, Stevy baby, we've all put on some pounds since the 90s. His martial arts is still solid, which is really what counts. The tagline on the cover is: "What Seagal does in Vegas, nearly destroys it." Does it get any better than that?



I'd be remiss as the Direct to Video Connoisseur if I didn't quickly mention the short lived Steven Seagal energy drink. As far as I can tell no one sells them anymore, and I can understand why: they weren't that good. After the silliness of drinking a Steven Seagal energy drink wore off, the bad after taste kicked in. It wasn't a pretty sight.

One of the best elements of this film is Seagal's Ebonics. He talks in Ebonics usually when he's talking to Treach. It rules so much. I'm not sure whose idea it was to make Seagal "down", so-to-speak, but it had to be an inside joke with those people, because he sounds ridiculous. I know now for future reference if I make a Seagal film, I'll write in the script that he speaks Ebonics.

As a fan of the UFC, I totally dug Karo "The Heat" Parisyan and Randy "The Natural" Couture making cameos. In Karo's case, he was shot by some dude, but for Randy, he had his ass kicked by Seagal. Now, I'm not totally sure, but I have to assume in real life Randy could dominate Seagal because I don't think Stevy can grapple. I wonder if that scene made both of them uncomfortable, or if Randy was like "wow, I just got my ass kicked in a movie by Steven Seagal", and he didn't care, and Seagal was like "I'm Steven Seagal, damn it", and he didn't care either.



Kevin Tighe was a wasted bad guy. He was barely in it, and when he was, the script writers tried to make him sound sophisticated, but instead made it sound like he had one of those word-a-day calendars, and he was trying to work his new additions to his vocabulary into his everyday speech to impress everyone. That's not how I want my Kevin Tighe. I need a guy who talks about "sweeping the eyeballs off the floor after last call". For a film that (not really) had so much going for it, they dropped the ball on this one.

This movie is so worth renting, just not for too much money. Say, on a two-for-one night or whatever your local video store does. I'd also TiVo it if you see it in your guide. This is pure bad action, and with the right group of friends who make fun of movies with you, you could be left in stitches. It's that silly, and, I think, that's what we like.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0431114/

Tactical Assault (1998)

I saw this on the program guide and knew it had to be good. It had DTVC Hall of Famer Rutger Hauer and Robert Patrick, two screen legends. To me, this was bigger than De Neiro and Pacino in Heat.

Tactical Assault is about an Air Force colonel, played by Patrick, who is movin' on up (Wheezy!) the ranks in the service. He's leading squadrons in Kosovo, and if he does a good job, he should be the man. Also, his wife is 8 months pregnant and living with him near the base (I have no idea why). Anyway, his old buddy Rutger was shot down over Iraq and spent the previous six years as an Iraqi POW. He's back now, and he blames Patrick. It turns out he's right to, because Patrick shot him down, but he only did it because Hauer's crazy, and wanted to shoot down a commercial air liner. After Hauer tries to sabotage Patrick's life, the two must fight it out to the death: dog fight style.

This movie was hot. Hauer and Patrick lived up to their billing. There's no Hauer bait-and-switch here. He's in the film plenty, and as always, he's great as the nut job. Patrick was surprisingly believable as the all American hero. He seems like a pretty good guy, even if he was the baddie in T2 and Double Dragon. It makes me proud to be a a citizen of the United States when we have film makers with the genius and ingenuity to make a movie with these two amazing acting talents. I feel pretty good about it.

Don't get me wrong, this film is pretty hilarious too. In one scene, Hauer steals Patrick's wife's purse. When she gets home, she finds her keys in the lock and the door open. Instead of putting the missing purse and the keys together and running for help, she goes inside to investigate. She was lucky it was early in the movie, but that was exceedingly dumb. At the end of the film, Hauer chases Patrick and his wife in a tank that's just chilling with out anyone guarding it. Patrick takes him out with some RPGs that are also well guarded.

The RPG to the tank death of course is only there to allow Hauer to escape so we can end the film with Patrick and Hauer settling things in the air. It's as if the film makers had a dart board with bad action cliches on it, and they just shot a few to see what each scene would have in it. And I must tell you, I liked it.

This film's kind of devoid of hot chicks. There's one who plays Hauer's psychiatrist. She meets an unfortunate death when he hangs her. I'm not sure I exactly need hot eye candy when I have Patrick and Hauer together, but every little bit helps.

This movie is so worth it. If you can find it on DVD for like $2, totally do it. If you see it listed on your program guide, definitely TiVo it. You don't often get two screen legends in one film like this, and here you not only get that, but it delivers.


For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0127917/

Idiocracy (2006)

My friends and I found this film looking for something to watch on ON Demand. We were all surprised, based on the film's pedigree of director (Office Space and Beavis and Butthead's Mike Judge) and actors (Luke Wilson especially) that we hadn't heard anything about it. After seeing the preview, we decided to give it a try.

Idiocracy is about a dude, played by Luke Wilson, who is used by the Army in an experiment in freezing humans to store them until they're better needed or something. Maya Rudolph plays a hooker that's stored in another pod along with Wilson. In a mix up, they aren't thawed until 500 years later, when people have devolved into thoughtless meatheads. Wilson is first arrested by these meatheads, then is discovered to be the smartest among them, so is a job as adviser to the president, a former professional wrestler, in order to save the world from destruction at the hands of the morons who currently populate it. The whole time Wilson holds out hope that he may one day be brought back to the past by way of a time machine that he's been told exists.



This movie was of very solid quality. It was almost as funny as Office Space. I'm not sure exactly what happened to this film, and why it was pretty much DTV, with only an extremely limited release. Maybe the fear was that it made fun of the core movie going audience too much.

Luke Wilson was perfect as the main character. He had this great off-beat delivery with his lines that made me wonder if he wouldn't have been better than the guy from the Sprint commercials in Office Space. As a viewer, we empathize totally with Wilson, partially because we've dealt with the kind of meatheads who rule the world 500 years into the future on a much smaller scale. He's a great everyman.

The social commentary of the film is very straightforward. Mike Judge feels there's a movement toward anti-intellectualism in the US. As a huge sports fan, the characters of the future had all the hallmarks, with the homophobia and fear of looking like a "fairy" by talking in a certain way or reading something, of the Sports Talk Radio Meatheads I was familiar with. In a recent GQ and on SportsCenter people were trying to validate and quantify the Sports Talk Radio phenomenon, with, to my mind, very little success. Judge doesn't try to make excuses for or try to understand why meatheadedness is so popular; he simply states that dumb is dumb. I think it's refreshing.



Dax Shepard is in this as Wilson's moronic liaison to the future. In Let's Go to Prison he plays a completely different character, and he's believable in both. As a moron in Idiocracy, he doesn't just play his role with a wink-wink, nudge-nudge, trying to keep us aware that he's actually intelligent in real life. Instead, he plays the moron to the hilt, and lets Judge do his part in making fun of the trend toward moronity in the modern US.

This movie is worth it. At the very least, you should pay the $4 to rent it on ON Demand while you still can. This is one of those first rate films that slipped through the cracks of the movie industry into our laps as DTV fans. Especially if you liked Office Space, you'll dig this.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/

Amanda and the Alien (1995)

I first caught this film late at night on Showtime or something. I saw that it had Stacy Keach, which intrigued me. I later found out (from watching it) that it also had Michael Dorn, who is one of my favorite actors.

Amanda and the Alien has Nicole Eggert in the title role of Amanda, an artist or something, that befriends an alien. The alien eats people, becomes the person it eats, then eats another and becomes that person. The alien, as a chick, has sex with a dude Eggert's been hooking up with, then eats him, becomes him, and Eggert falls in love with him. She protects him from Dorn and Keach, who are working for the government to stop the alien. The film also has John Diehl of Miami Vice fame.



I think this film was supposed to be a comedy or off-beat or something. Instead, it was none of that, and I had trouble figuring out who I should root for. An alien that eats people and masquerades as them to eat more, is a pretty scary thought, and I'm not interested in a Nicole Eggert trying to protect said alien because she's a weirdo. Dorn and Keach were painted as bad guys, but they should've been protagonists.

In terms of the Eggert factor, this may be one of her hottest films. I think she's better looking in this than Baywatch, Charles in Charge, or Blown Away with the Coreys. Also, a woman named Alex Meneses played the alien pre-boyfriend eating, and she was hot too, especially when Eggert was trying to fit her into a too-small bra. It's too bad she didn't have a better agent so she could've stayed in the film longer, especially since she turned into Eggert's boyfriend.

Michael Dorn is great in this, and would've been even better if this had a better script. In one scene, he goes to a pretentious coffee shop and smashes a dude's acoustic guitar. He not only should've been the hero, but he should be in more films as the hero. When he's eaten by the alien near the end of the film, it's very disappointing. He becomes Eggert's cohert, as opposed to vanquishing the alien and prevailing with Keach, which I wanted.



You may notice that this film came out in 1995, at the height of the Morphing Craze. Movies were using this new computer generated special effect as frequently as humanly possible, and this film was no exception. The alien, before eating someone, would morph into some small insect-like thing, then wrap it's tongue or something around the next victim and go inside the person. I'm not sure where all the mass of the person goes when the morph happens, or whatever, but the whole thing just looked silly, and given how dumb this movie was, it wasn't a good silly.

Unless your a Dorn completist, avoid this film. It's not even worth the time spent to watch it for free. Eggert's hot, but I'm not sure it's worth it, even for that.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112339/

Bloodfist IV: Die Trying (1992)

Don "The Dragon" Wilson has always been pretty cool in my book. I think if he had more memorable films he'd probably be in the DTVC Hall of Fame. He'd definitely be in my UFC Color Commentator Hall of Fame if I had one. I don't want to bag on Joe Rogan here, because everyone else does that, and to be honest, I kind of like Fear Factor, but D "The D" Dubs held it down when he had the gig back in the early UFCs. I was glad to see him in that Last Sentinel movie on Sci-Fi, even if they were packaging it as a vehicle for the chick that plays the counterfeit Starbuck on the new Battlestar Galactica.

Bloodfist IV: Die Trying is another in producer Roger Corman's Bloodfist series, all of which star Mr. Wilson as different main characters (except the first two, where he's the same guy). In this one, D "The D" Dubs plays a repo man who repos the wrong car. He fights a buff and long haired Gary Daniels for it. Later Gary brings his boss and others to the repo place to retrieve some stuff from the car, and they massacre all of Donny's co-workers. He's blamed for it, and he needs to clear his name and save his daughter, who's been kidnapped by Daniels' boss, at the same time. James Tolkan of Masters of the Universe and Top Gun fame plays an FBI agent.

I must say, Don does a great job choreographing fight scenes in this, especially with Gary Daniels and the late Cat Sassoon. The first and final fights with Daniels are some of the best I've seen in a non Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, or Jet Li film. I guess it pays to be the greatest kickboxing champ ever, right?

The plot in this was interesting. The bad guys were after switches to nuclear bombs or something. Don had to deal with not only the baddies, but the LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA. One thing I liked was how they had all these complicated plot twists with the whole "who's side is so-and-so on?" kind of deal, but it wasn't too heavy because we knew they were all against Don. All he had was character actor Amanda Wyss, who you may have seen in absolutely everything (most memorable for me was the reporter on Highlander: The Series), to lean on as he tried to clear his name and save his daughter.

Other than the nice fighting and the simple plot, this didn't have much going for it. There were no memorable lines or spectacular action. If I hadn't been watching this at 2am while fighting insomnia, I probably would have turned it off. After the final fight between Don and Daniels, there's still another 15 minutes (a half hour with commercials if you're watching it on TV), which for me was useless.

If you came into a bunch of Bloodfists for a cheap price, it's not exactly a bad deal, especially if you like good martial arts. Overall, though, spending more than a couple bucks on these individually, especially this one, is a little much. If you see Bloodfist IV on TV at 2am and you're battling insomnia or taking a break from a term paper or an all night cram session, you could do a lot worse. That's probably why Spike and ShowtimeXtreme show this around that time.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103840/