Blackjack (1998)

I first saw this movie as a USA Original Pictures, I guess back in 1998 when imdb said it came out. A buddy of mine, who's also a Dolph Lundgren fanatic, hadn't seen it, I knew he needed to. Fortunately I found a used copy at a local record store for $1.98. Even though I didn't have the cash, they let me use my debit card. I think that's what Visa should have for it's commercials: people like me finding Dolph Lundgren films at really low prices without any cash on hand to buy them. That's way cooler than those stupid ads with bad music that show people holding up lines because they're not paying with Visa. But I totally digress.

Blackjack sees DTVC Hall of Famer Dolph Lundgren collaborating with famed action director John Woo. He's Jack Devlin, a former US Marshall or something who has a bad experience protecting a man and his family and now is afraid of white. Or maybe he was always afraid of it because the car he drove with his dad was white, and he got his dad killed by not seeing his signal. Or maybe it wasn't his fault because the Zippo used by the dad to signal Dolph was bad. I don't know, whatever. Anyway, Fred Williamson is a private bodyguard type who gets injured protecting a supermodel from a preposterously sophisticated stalker. Dolph, who's a close friend of Freddy's (who wouldn't be), takes over the case. In the meantime, he's taking care of the girl whose dad he couldn't protect earlier, which led to the whole not liking white thing. Finally he overcomes his fear and beats the absurdly sophisticated stalker.



This movie's hilarious. From top to bottom. You know you're in for good times when Dolph's character's name is Jack Devlin. Or Tank Concrete. Or Lump Beef Broth (a guy can dream, right?). The whole being afraid of white is as funny as it sounds. John Woo delivers on the bad action, and though it's no Hard Boiled, and as such probably not up for selection on the Criterion Collection anytime soon, it gets us bad movie honks to the church on time.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Dolph Lundgren is the Babe Ruth of the Direct to Video Connoisseur. The guy is just amazing. It adds to the enjoyment when you realize he has a masters in chemical engineering. It's almost like he's wink-winking and nudge-nudging us as he does these hilarious scenes where he's afraid of white. And his interactions with his too-hot psychologist who smokes cigars and wants to do him was for me a nice slice of Acting 101. I also dug the way he was completely all right with how ludicrously sophisticated the stalker was. He's just that good.



This film wasn't all roses though. For one, it pulls the Fred Williamson bait-and-switch. That was a major disappointment for me. If you go back a few posts, you'll see that we at the DTVC were victims of the same crime in the film Crooked. Come on people, you're better than that. If you're telling me Fred Williamson's in a movie, put him in the damn movie.

Another issue was the comedic foil. He's played by the guy who was dumped by Daphne on Fraser for Niles. After seeing him in this, we can see why she made the right choice. Why movies like this don't realize that they're the comic relief, and as such, shouldn't try to include their own, is beyond me. It's always more annoying than funny. I'm imploring bad action directors, and that includes you, Mr. Woo, to keep the goofy-played-for-laughs character out of the films. Again, you're movie isn't that good-- it provides all the laughs we need. Thank you.



The baddie in this made zero sense. Unlike most stalkers who're just uncharismatic versions of romantic comedy leads trying to use the same tactics to get the girl, here we get a seriously sophisticated assassin. We never know why he's so well versed in covert warfare. We find out the supermodel was married before she became famous, and this dude was the husband. And then I guess he's also a superior sniper, expert bomb maker, and a black belt in several forms of martial arts. But what's great is it's a bad action movie. He's a stalker, so of course he'd be a well versed fighter too.

At $1.98 this movie is well worth the price. I'd probably only buy it if you can get it that cheap, or if you're as huge a Lundgren fan as I am. But renting it is totally worth it. You and your bad movie buddies will have no problem ripping this to shreds and loving every minute of it. I mean, come on, Dolph Lundgren as Jack Devlin, a guy whose afraid of white: that just sounds hot.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0126816/

Watchers III (1994)

I caught this gem recently on Sci-Fi, and based on the Wings Hauser factor alone I needed to TiVo it. There's just something about Wings, a certain je ne sais quois, that makes him entertaining in anything he does. One of my personal faves is his short stint on Beverly Hills 90210. That's right, I said it. If they ever put that show on DVD, you may want to check that out, just for shits and grins.

Watchers III is based on a Dean Koontz novel, but is more a Predator rip off. What Wings has that Arnie didn't have when he fought the big fella is a dog with a large IQ. Also, even though the Predator looks like Manny Ramirez, the monster in this looks like a rejected puppet from Peter Jackson's Meet the Feebles, which would be cool if this was a comedy. Anyway, what Wings finds out is that the government made the monster as the ultimate killing machine, and Wings and his convict friends are sent in to get slaughtered by it. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Wings is in military prison. Just like Predator, Wings gets to the chopper and everything's okay. All right, maybe they pull a twist on the "Get to the chopper", and Wings booby traps it for the puppet. Who cares?



This is abhorrently bad. It's got Wings Hauser in it. That's it. The monster's too goofy to fear, the other actors are ridiculous, and the dog's only slightly smarter than Air Bud or Lassie. While watching it with some friends, we were constantly in awe of how bad this was. It was like MST3K quality.

Wings tries his best in this, and it's plenty entertaining. He continues to reaffirm his status as a DTVC Hall of Famer through his efforts in crap like this. Between his scenes with the dog, to his dialog in funny-that's-supposed-to-be-cool military speak (you know, "Checkmate this is Goose Down, do you read me?"), he delivers. I totally give him an A for effort. The problem is, you can get the same satisfaction out of seeing him guest star on an episode of Walker: Texas Ranger or something, and you're in and out the door in half the time.



Despite my lack of snobbery when it comes to movies, I'm a bit of one in terms of books, so I must confess, I've never read a Dean Koontz novel. Is he any good? Perhaps the James Joyce of our generation? Was the book version of this any good? As far as I can tell, if what we saw in the film was the basic premise of the book, it's probably not, right? I still gotta finish Manhattan Transfer anyway.

One small part of the film that was kind of funny for me was the woman in Hauser's attack crew. The woman herself was only sorta kinda funny, but her name was great: Gomez. I know that by it's very nature as a last name, some women must have it, and it probably sounds all right in real life when paired with a first name. "Hey, I want you to meet Maria Gomez." Not bad. But when you're just shouting it out, "Gomez!", it denotes a goofy Latino stereotype playing the comedy relief. I'm not saying a Gomez in movie can't handle a piece and be good in a fight, I'm just saying I see more "Oh Gomez, you're such a kook", instead of "Gomez, you're the only chick in this crew, but we know that in spite of that chickness, you'll be tough enough to hold your own."



This is preposterously bad. Maybe, and that's a big maybe, watch this at 2am if you're typing a paper or up late after a huge night of drinking. Otherwise, run when you see this listed on your program guide, or displayed in your video store. I'm still smarting from it.

Beowulf (1999)

I remember picking this one up with some friends because the video store was offering a rent so many get so many free night, and we needed a last movie to fill out the deal. This just looked like a no-brainer: Lambert in a futuristic remake of the 6th century epic poem Beowulf. What could be better?

This Lambert 1999 version of Beowulf takes place in a medieval future where most of human technology has devolved-- the only exceptions being haircare products, plastic body bags, and leather clothing (though the taste in leather clothing has definitely devolved too!). Lambert is our eponymous hero who shows up at this walled in city that looks like a live-action version of Gargamel's castle on The Smurfs. There he meets a hot chick, her dad (who's the king), and a guy in a purple leather outfit. He fights Grendel pretty much the way you'd remember it from the original, only he adds tons of flips. He's doing back flips, front flips, a tuck maneuver that you might see from an Olympic diver. In the end he beats the nasty Grendel and his vengeful mother. He also gets the girl.



Did I mention how ridiculous this is? Did I mention I loved every ridiculous minute of it? It had me at the first big fight scene where Lambert takes on some savages outside the walled city that are about to sacrifice the chick from The Mummy that isn't Rachel Weis. The Mortal Kombat movie style techno is superb. Couple that with Lambert's too sweet hair (that rhymes if you pronounce Lambert with the French accent like my friends and I do). I guess the best way to sum up the movie was that sense of entertainment you get out of watching someone who thinks he's really cool try his hardest to act really cool, but you and everyone you're with know just how uncool he is. This movie thought it was that cool, and instead it was just the balding guy with the ponytail listening to Fallout Boy on his iPod.

This goes for Lambert too, I'm afraid. He's too old to pull off being cool like that. The kind of cool that would really work for him is the kind that listens to Manfred Mann's Earth Band and Thin Lizzy, and tells us kids we don't know what good music really is. And he'd be right. He should've ripped that techno from the phonograph, or out of the minstrel's lute, or wherever it came from, and threw on some Bread or ELO or Lynyrd Skynyrd. Maybe even beat up Grendel to "You're so Vain". I had a dream there was some Lambert in my coffee. Now we're talkin'.



Despite the movie's usual futile attempts at being cool, it did have one bright moment. Mac from Night Court is in this. Beyond the sheer awesomeness that he's still alive (it's not that I thought he was dead either, but I hadn't seen him in anything in a while, and I wouldn't have put the whole being dead thing past him), the fact that he was Mac in every way, shape, and form added to the novelty. He didn't try to affect some kind of bad accent like Michelle Rodriguez in BloodRayne. He just did Mac, and I for one loved him for it.

The woman starring opposite Lambert is named Rhona Mitra, and you may recognize her from The Practice or it's cooler spin-off Boston Legal. She's been in some feature films too, like the difficult to understand how it was greenlighted Number 23. I wonder if while filming 23 she thought to herself "Wow, I finally made the big time, and I'm in movies that're worse than the horrible Lambert movies I did when I hadn't made it." Am I giving her too much credit to think she thought that? I bet she stands by and is even proud of 23, yet is afraid to put Beowulf on her resume. That's a shame.



This movie is so worth a crack. It's too silly to avoid. I wouldn't go so far as to say you should run out and buy it at full price, because it's not a classic or anything, but definitely you should rent it with your bad movie buddies if you haven't seen it already. This is top notch bad Lambert.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120604/

Baller Blockin' (2000)

I'm not sure exactly how this movie fell into our laps. I know my buddy got it, and I believe it was a gift from his brother. That's not necessarily so important. What is important is just how big this movie became amongst my friends. It may only be an hour long, but it's packed with more memorable moments than your average full length Nicolas Cage feature.

Baller Blockin' was an attempt by New Orleans Hip Hop impresarios the Cash Money Millionaires to make a film. Juvenile stars as a young man in his twenties, struggling with the memories of his dad's violent death when he was very young; and with the decision of whether or not he should leave his life in the gang he runs with with the other Cash Money Millionaires to settle down with his nice girlfriend. At the same time, the crooked New Orleans cop Curly is trying to muscle in on the gang's turf. This brings Curly in direct conflict with Beatrice (pronounced BE-ah-TRICE, played by Brian "Baby" WIlliams, or Birdman) who runs the gang. Will Juvenile live long enough to end his life of crime? Will Curly get what's coming to him? Will Lil' Wayne make any sense? We never know, because the movie ends only an hour in with a "To Be Continued". I'm not kidding.



It's very obvious from the finished product that the Cash Money Millionaires found out just how much goes into making a movie, and they got tired of it. It's not just the abrupt "To Be Continued", but in people messing up lines without doing second takes, and in characters who were dead a scene ago coming back to shoot people. With that said, I think my friend put it best when he remarked: "this movie is perfect."

I don't know where to begin. Maybe the scene at the start when a young Juvenile watches his dad die after he didn't have the money for Gar, the crime lord of that time. The dad's funny, Gar's funny, and even funnier, Gar comes back later in the film, and hasn't aged a day in the fifteen some-odd years since he killed Juvenile's dad. And his death scene is even better. Let's just say Birdman had a hooker "bake a cake" for him.



The dude who played the crackhead in Friday steals the show in this as Curly the bad cop's partner. He has a few moments early on that give you a taste of what he can do, and then showcases his total repertoire in the memorable Interrogation Scene. I'll just quote some of the better lines "I'ma shoot you in your fuckin' tongue!" "Did he just say [inaudible]? You're fucked up? You know that?" and who can forget "It's not in his ass, we already checked!" You haven't lived until you've seen the Interrogation Scene in Baller Blockin', and my friends and I have made sure many people have enjoyed it.

There's a mailman who's killed, not for not passing the welfare checks on time, but for giving Birdman and Turk (another Cash Money Millionaire, if you're not in the know) lip when Birdman tells him to "Pass them fuckin' checks out on time, bitch." The mailman responds to them with: "Fuck you, and fuck you." So they shoot him. Why not? That scene alone garnered myriad playbacks. Who kills a mailman? The Cash Money Millionaires do, apparently.



That's just the tip of the iceberg. You have the All The Time Guy (a guy who responds to everything with "All the Time"), Lil' Wayne hiding from the cops in an ice cream cooler at a local grocery store, a ridiculous party that ends in a hail of gunfire, and the perfect soundtrack done in all Cash Money Millionaires songs. Oh yeah, and it's to be continued. Words can't give this film justice. It must be seen to be believed.

I have a lot of friends that're into bad movies, and only a certain segment of them really enjoy this one the way I do. We've tried our best to share this joy with others, but they don't always find it as fun. That's why I'm recommending this, but with a huge caution: it's not for everybody. Don't buy this and after watching it say: "this is crap, what was the DTVC thinking?" If you can rent it first, do so, or buy it on VHS for like $2. It's extremely ridiculous, and I want everyone to experience it once, but I'd feel bad if anyone bought it after my review and didn't find it as amusing as I do, and in the process wasted $20.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0315253/

Bloodfist VIII: Trained to Kill or Hard Way Out (1996)

In seeing this on Spike recently, I had another case of bad movie deja vu. You know what I'm talking about: you think for sure you've never seen a certain movie before, but halfway through it, things look familiar, and it's more than just bad movie cliches. Then it dawns on you that yes, in fact, you have seen it, and you just didn't remember. With this film, it turned out I'd seen it a while ago, probably at a time when digital cable guides didn't exist, so I watched it without even knowing what it was. In my mind, the only thing worse than watching a bad movie once, is watching it twice because I didn't remember the pain I'd suffered the fist time. I guess as a connoisseur of bad cinema, I should probably get a journal like wine people do, so I can recall what it was like: film had bold explosions and potential with great actors, but horrible after taste with unoriginal plot. Also smelled bad once it had a chance to open up.

Bloodfist VIII, aka The Ocho, takes the overused Bloodfist premise of Don "The Dragon" Wilson against the world, and moves it to Ireland. I guess LA told Roger Corman that seven Bloodfists was really pushing it, and if he wanted to make an eight, he'd have to take his business elsewhere. Anyway, D "The D" Dubs is a former CIA agent turned high school teacher trying to raise his erstwhile estranged son. Someone puts a hit on him for killing a dude in Italy, and in order to clear his name, the trail takes him to Dublin. The CIA follows him there, because they want to kill ol' Donny too. As in every Bloodfist, he prevails against all odds.



Wanna talk about pulling blood from a stone. They were scraping the bottom of the barrel when they put this one together. I can't lie, with the extreme success of Bloodfist VII: Manhunt, I probably would've greenlighted an eight too. It's not like any of the actors had anything better to do, I'm sure. Why not take a paid vacation to Ireland? I bet Donny hadn't been before they shot this.

Speaking of Donny, he really gives this the ol' college try. He's having trouble making the same stale storyline not so stale. I bet he's the guy you have as a roommate that saves every scrap of food because he thinks he can make a taco bake or something out of it. I'm that guy too, and I know sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet and throw that stuff out. And then you gotta bite the bullet again and buy some new food at the grocery store.



I guess that's the issue with the Bloodfist series: they never did anything new. There was nothing that I could discern from the earlier movies that said explicitly that movies IV through VIII absolutely had to have a guy that was some sort of fugitive with everyone against him with no one he could trust. The first two weren't like that, and the third was only sorta kinda like that. Why they felt compelled to make the others essentially the same film is beyond me. I know after this they really tried to mix it up with Bloodfist: 2050, but that doesn't do anything for me here with number VIII, which is what I'm reviewing.

This may be one of the most nondescript films I've ever done for the DTVC. Other than Donny, there's nothing in it that makes it memorable at all. I've had trouble grinding out more than four or five paragraphs. It's not extremely bad; but on the other hand, if it was, it might be more entertaining. Instead it's just a big pile of blah. The only way I'd recommend watching it is if you're suffering from insomnia or up late typing a paper, and this is on at 2 AM, and it's your only option. Otherwise skip it. It's not worth any money you spend on it, no matter how small; and it's not worth any time you could spend doing something else, like watching another movie, or reading a book.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115711/

Submerged (2005)

It's looking like a forgone conclusion that Steven Seagal will have his ticket to the DTVC Hall of Fame punched this October when we induct our new members. After seeing Mercenary for Justice, I wasn't so sure the selection committee (which includes myself) made the right decision. But here, with this film, I felt we had a great opportunity for the big fella (not a pun on his weight at all) to redeem himself in the eyes of the DTVC. In the opening credits, when I saw this co-starred not only English great Vinnie Jones, but also one of my personal faves, Gary Daniels, I felt Seagal's shot at redemption was all but certain.

Submerged, despite its title, spends very little time aboard a sub. It's more about some Army dudes (including Daniels) who were subjected by a mad scientist to some kind of mind control procedure. Since the US can't use the Army to take him down (because they're mind-controlled), they need to call in merc Seagal, and his merc boys, one of which is Vinnie Jones. They commandeer a sub, try to recapture the soldiers, but have to kill them on board the sub when they try to kill Seagal and his crew. Seagal then follows the bad guy to a South American country, where a businessman is buying his services. Seagal saves the day in very Seagalian fashion.



I dug this. It had everything you'd want in a bad action flick. The fighting was nice, the explosions were great, there were solid car chase scenes, and the lead, played by Seagal, was everything you'd want a Seagal to be. The addition of Vinnie Jones was perfect, and as a connoisseur of the bad action genre, Gary Daniels was a nice familiar face.

Whereas in Mercenary for Justice, Seagal was omnipotent, here he was just the action hero. We knew he was going to win eventually, but at least he had to try. At the very end, when this big dude comes out of the elevator to confront him, I was like "this'll be good". Their fight was a little short for my taste, but it was fulfilling nonetheless. His performance here did everything to confirm mine and the other members of the selection committee in putting Seagal through to the Hall of Fame.



The rest of the Seagal factor was in full effect here as well. He was definitely heavier, and when you first see him come in in shackles, you see that extra poundage. I'm just not sure why he's so self-conscious about it. You never saw Samo Hung worrying about it when he was acting opposite Arsenio Hall. I also love Seagal's new use of Ebonics in his acting. It was truly off the hook in Today You Die, and in this it was even better. I hope he continues to employ this speech in his future roles. It's too ridiculous not to.

If I had one issue with this film, it was the use of Gary Daniels. In my mind he was wasted. He was only in it for the first half, and he barely fought Seagal. For a man of his exceptional skill, I'd have liked to seen more. Don "The Dragon" Wilson and Daniels had a great end of movie fight in Bloodfist IV. Considering that movie came out way before this one, you'd think the film makers would see the potential for a extended scene between Seagal and Daniels, because for us who've seen enough of these films, that's what we were looking for, and we were sorely let down.

One of my favorite scenes involved the hot chic slash tough chic whose Seagal's old friend. In order to drive home to us the viewer that she's more than just a pretty face, we're introduced to her as she's beating a man much larger than her at arm wrestling. Her wrists and arms couldn't be much more than your average super model's, so I'm not sure where the muscle comes from to pull that off. I'm not sure the film makers did either.



A quick paragraph on Vinnie Jones. He's sweet in this. He does exactly what you want Vinnie Jones to do. His best scene comes when he sneaks up on a mind-controlled sniper. The fight the two have is great, but when Jones finally gains the upper hand, he beats the guy to death with the butt end of his gun. With anyone else, I'd say that's obsessive, but it's Vinnie Jones. I guess the only thing better night have been him beating the guy to death by slamming his head repeatedly in a car door.

When you and your friends are having a bad movie watching night, this is the kind of movie you rent. It works for rookies and old pros; it works on its own, or after a couple other ones; and there's plenty to mock in this. It doesn't take itself that seriously, but it's serious enough that it's not in on the joke. Well worth the price of a rental.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0416243/

The Hard Easy (2005)

I, like most people, rent my movies based on their potential. Who's in it? Who directed it? What did so-and-so say about it? In the case of this film, it seemed to be oozing with potential. Sure, the cover listed a bunch of actors I have no time for like Nick Lachey or David Blahblahblah from Angel; but it also listed two DTVC Hall of Famers in Peter Weller and Gary Busey. Now that's potential.

The Hard Easy is a 90 minute film consisting of 50 minutes of fade-outs. When it's not fading out, the plot involves David Blahblahblah and the guy from ET (who was also in Psycho IV) as two fellas from two totally different situations who need cash bad. The guy from ET has mad gambling debts, so his friend Gary Busey hooks him up with the not-as-cool-as-the-movie-makes-him-out-to-be Bruce Dern, who, with the chick from The Departed, are planning a jewel heist. David Blahblahblah works with Nick Lachey, and his boss Peter Weller has gotten them all in hot water with some junk bonds or whatever. You guessed it: P Dubs has also planned a diamond heist, and it's at the same diamond shop the guy from ET's hitting. They're on a collision course to wackiness.



This film had two things going for it: Busey and Weller. That's it. Whenever the two of them are on screen (and they're never on together, unfortunately), they hoist the film on their shoulders and carry it to a level beyond what the poor film makers could possibly hope to achieve with this complete and utter lack of imagination and creativity they're calling a movie. After Busey and P Dubs, this is simply a low-rent Tarentino knock-off.

And even worse, Busey wasn't in it much. It's one thing to make a movie bad, it's another to go light on the Abuse. If I see the name Gary Busey on the cover, I want it to be as Abusive as possible. Hit me with it, damn it. Haven't these people ever seen Point Break? The worst irony of this movie is that the film makers probably think they're above a classic like Point Break, and they're wrong, so wrong.



Peter Weller is sweet in this, but his character becomes a monster that's just too big for the amateurs who made this sack-of-asscrack to handle. His death is a totally played-up-for-laughs yet very unfunny scene where he loads up his weapons in a stand-off, gets ready to go out guns blazing, and is felled with a single shot in the heart by a police officer. It was a travesty that they'd kill off Weller's character like that, after all he did to elevate their fried shite of a film to something resembling respectability. The best thing these people could've done was see the movie Styx. Those people knew what to do with a too sweet Weller character.

The overuse of the fade out gave me a headache. Nothing spells amateur like not being able to transition from one scene to the next. I'd expect something like that from a horrible Star Trek movie some Finnish kids put up on YouTube that my friends might make me watch; but from film makers that were able to cast Busey and Weller, it's just unacceptable. My friends and I got bored saying "Next week on The Hard Easy" or "When The Hard Easy returns", which is kind of a tradition whenever a film employs a fade-out.



I don't get Bruce Dern in this. He was great in The 'burbs, but here we're supposed to believe he's some kind of criminal mastermind that's hardcore and really cool. He'll kill you if he gets the chance or something. Even worse, we're supposed to buy that he's anywhere near as cool as a Weller, when he's not even in the ballpark. My favorite scene is where Busey's telling the guy from ET about him, and he recalls some heist Dern pulls off dressed in clown clothes. I think the clown part is supposed to be funny and irreverent, but instead it's overused and cliched. The funny thing for me was how Bruce Dern kills his partners in the heist. Who does that? This happens again and again in movies, where the bad guy kills the people he does business with. Why do people keep working with him? And if this film's supposed to be so smart and different, why do they fall back on the same bad movie plot devices?

This is almost worth renting if you're as huge a Petter Weller guy as I am. If you cut out his death scene, it's sweet. On the other hand, you have to sit through another crummy Tarentino knock off that spends as much time as possible telling you how smart it is, when in reality, it's dumber than BloodRayne. If you're not a Weller guy, don't even consider this sack-of-asscrack.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0425087/