Death Machine (1995)

I'm sure I'm not the only fan of bad movies that's noticed the preponderance of films with two-word titles. DTVC Hall of Famer Michael Dudikoff seems to do them almost exclusively (American Ninja, Virtual Assassin, Gale Force, American Ninja 2...). I think they just work better than ones with fewer or more words in the title. "What should we rent?" "Railing Kill!" "What's it about?" "Who cares, it sounds awesome!" I'd rent a movie called Railing Kill.

Death Machine takes place in a future that's half Max Headroom and half crap, where a weapons manufacturer named CHAANK (I thought it was funny too) has come under fire for some inhumane practices, i.e. they're using MIA battle vets and turning them into supersoldiers. Ely Pouget is the woman sent in to clean things up, but what she doesn't realize is that Brad Dourif is the nutcase dude living in the basement who really runs the show. When she fires him, he sends this thing called War Beast after her. At the same time, a burly bear of a man that wants to help her take the company back, but also has dubious motives, has joined her; and three dudes who want to stop CHAANK for humanity's sake have invaded the CHAANK headquarters to blow it up. Now the five of them must outlast Dourif and his War Beast.



I'm not sure what to make of this. The film's makers obviously loved all the movies I did, because the characters are all named after directors like Sam Raimi and Ridley Scott. That being said, even as an imitation of those film luminaries, this isn't even in the ballpark. It's got some cool stuff, but it's not like you can't get that cool stuff from watching a classic like Robocop again. At least that has Peter Weller.

One of the terrorists working in the name of humanity that invaded the CHAANK headquarters looked really familiar. His name is John Sharian, and I looked him up on imdb to find out where I'd seen him before. He was the fat naked guy in Romasanta. Luckily for all involved, no one has to see his junk flopping around here. He's actually not a bad guy even.



Ely Pouget is a woman. A rather hot woman, but a woman nonetheless. I didn't know that, considering her name is Ely. She's one of those people you think's been in a bunch of other stuff, then you look her up on imdb and find out she's just been on some Matlock episodes and whatnot. I think she must've also done some commercials. This movie was very interesting in how they dealt with her. She's kinda the lead protagonist, but unlike an Aeon Flux or a Ultraviolet, she's not just a hot chick who can fight, she's actually a tough chick who doesn't mess around. I liked that she was attractive, but didn't wear skimpy outfits and such: her brain and intestinal fortitude were what counted. Of course, you can't have a hero like her in mainstream Hollywood, because it's all about tits and ass. She'd have to dress like the administrator on House (My roommates watch it, not me...)

The War Beast is funny, and I'm not sure if it's supposed to be or not. It has these big teeth and long claws. It also smells fear. I'm not kidding. If you're not afraid of it, it can't kill you. It sounds like a monster from a bad Vin Diesel movie, doesn't it. Can you imagine him with a bunch of other D-list actors who are all afraid of the War Beast coming to kill them. "It sees your fear," he'd say in a dull monotone. They'd all be like "What?", and he'd turn slowly "Your pheromones... it sees your fear..." I bet that film would make like twenty mill at the box office and another thirty or forty in DVD rentals and sales.



I always love when futuristic movies that're made in the past use out of date technology. This one uses 3 1/4 floppy disks to transfer information. The film was made in 1995, so I know we still used those things back then, but we also knew CDs were cooler, and in the future we'd be using them more. How hard would it've been to pick up a pack of CD-Rs at the store and use them in the movie? It would've looked better. Considering the technology's there in the future to download my personality onto a disk, replace the information in my brain with a bunch of fighting skills, and then restore my old personality into my brain when I'm done fighting, I'd think there'd be a better portable data storage device than the floppy disk. Maybe that's just me.

This movie was on Sci-Fi recently at 3AM, and I think that's a good place for it. Spending money on it's a bad thing, so I wouldn't do that. One thing I thought was cool was that I TiVoed it, and it was on my list of programs, so for like a week people would scan my recorded list and see "Death Machine". Then they'd go "you watch the dumbest movies, Matt". Yes, I do.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109575/

Perfect Target (1997)

It must be difficult on some levels being Daniel Bernhardt. He's billed as the poor man's Jean-Claude Van Damme, but with Van Damme's stock having fallen so much, Van Damme's essentially become the poor man's Van Damme, and Bernhardt's left out in the cold. He needs a career make-over, and I think I'm the guy to do it. Okay, maybe not, but it'd be cool.

Perfect Target has Mr. Bernhardt buttressed by two screen greats, Robert Englund and Brian Thompson, in a South American action thriller in a fictitious South American country. You'd think maybe a Nostromo rip-off, but these film makers definitely don't have the wherewithal to read Conrad. Instead Thompson and Englund are baddies (surprise surprise) and they set up Bernhardt and another dude (who you may have seen on TV if you watch CBS crime dramas) for the assassination of the country's president. It turns out the pres's wife was in cahoots with Thompson and Englund to get her in power, and Bernhardt has to flee with the other guy into the jungle, where it just so happens the other guy has a hot sister that's leading a rebellion. The rebels suck, so Bernhardt trains them into well-oiled killing machines, then he invades the presidential compound to reclaim what was rightfully his. I don't know what that was, though.



Wow. That's all I can say. It doesn't get much sillier than this movie. And Bernhardt leads the silly parade. He's the grand marshal. Perfect Target was one of Bernie's first films, and he still had some work to do to refine his craft. Not that he doesn't still have some work to do, it's just that then he really had some work to do, and his on-the-job education was plenty entertaining for us. This was no Bloodsport 4.

Brian Thompson is Brian Thompson. I was surprised it took as long as it did (like 15 minutes in) before he showed himself to be a bad guy. His imdb mini-bio lists him as being a versatile actor. Yes, he's versatile at being Brian Thompson. He can be Brian Thompson as Shao Khan, or Brian Thompson as the guest star on this week's JAG, but he's always Brian Thompson. I, for one, am cool with that. I've rocked with a bunch of really bad films in my time on this planet, this one included, and I can say it's a joy to know that whenever I see that classic Brian Thompson face, I know that's one element of the movie that I don't have to worry about being bad. Another note on the face: if it wasn't for Robert Z'Dar's existence, Brian Thompson would have the most ridiculous visage in Hollywood. As it stands, though, his face is just kinda funny, because Z'Dar's is ridiculous.



Robert Englund takes a turn here as someone other than a horror movie villain. For me, my favorite film he did was Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, and that's only because of that too sweet Dokken song on the soundtrack, "Dream Warriors". Is that not the best song ever? I loved it in the video when the lead guitarist broke out of chains in Freddy's dungeon just in time for his guitar solo. Why don't they make videos like that anymore? The 80s were so cool.

As far as the rest of the film goes, there's not much there. The action sucks sorta kinda. At the very beginning Bernhardt throws down in a cockfighting ring, and that's all right. That leads the viewer to think this might not be boring and plodding, but it so is. What they should've done was just send Bernhardt around to various cockfighting venues and have him get into brawls with Thompson and Englund looking on in derision. I'd still go with Perfect Target as the title. I'd also use 'Dream Warriors' as the movie's theme song. Maybe it could even end at a cockfight that Dokken was performing at. God that would rule.



One classic bad action cliche that this bad boy upheld was the hot chick who looks hot even while roughing it in the jungle. Bernie's love interest did an excellent job of not only leading an armed insurgency, but also keeping her hair very bouncy and her complexion soft. Unlike many of these films where the hotness of the actress is just window dressing, here it has a utilitarian function. If she hadn't been as hot, Bernhardt wouldn't have stayed around to train her rebels. He wanted to flee to the next country and start over, but the prospect of sleeping with the rebel leader kept him on board. As opposed to the rest of the film, I actually bought that part. Of course it was based on the ludicrous premise that a Hollywood caliber make-up artist lived in the jungle with her and had the resources there to make her look like she hadn't been sleeping outside in a tropical rain forest for however many years. Six of one, half a dozen of another I guess.

This is a cute film, and if you and your buddies really want a bad one to trash on movie night, you may want to toss it in if your video store is offering a rent one get one free deal. It's got plenty of material to work with. Overall I'd say this is meant strictly for pain junkies like myself who like their movies really bad, and don't care who knows it-- and it was even pretty bad for me.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119883/

Eye of the Tiger (1986)

I saw this film at my local video store and rented it with a couple others on some kind of rent two get one free night. With Busey's face on the cover, I figured I couldn't go wrong, especially if I was only paying two-thirds the price... is that right? Buy two... yeah, that works out.

Eye of the Tiger stars Gary a Busey as a man getting out of prison, we find out after being framed by the bad sheriff of the town he lives in. While he'd been in prison, a bad gang of murderous coke running dirt bike riders has been terrorizing the town. One night, keeping watch over a construction site, Busey sees the gang trying to rape a soap opera actress. He saves her, much to the chagrin of the bikers. In an act of revenge, they trash his home and kill his wife while his daughter watches. Busey wants revenge of his own now, but the bad sheriff is a pain in the ass. Yaphet Koto is the sheriff's deputy, and Busey's friend, and at first he wants him to just leave well enough alone. He has a change of heart, though, and with Busey, they go after the bikers: Busey with a battle-grade Dodge Ram and Yaphet Koto with a biplane. It was hot. Also, the head bad biker was played by classic character actor William Smith. You may know him from every 70s and 80s detective show.

This was an interesting film. As far as Abusiveness went, it was very Abusive. That raises an important question: just how much Abusiveness is too much? I think the standard for the perfect level of Abusiveness is Point Break. Call that point zero, or maybe at an even balance. This film was like a plus 4, which isn't bad, but a little more Abusiveness than you'd want. He does make for a cool lead good guy, though. Very down-to-Earth, you know?



This film plays for some like a re-tread of the Joe Don Baker film Walking Tall. I disagree. I feel this was actually how Walking Tall should have been made, i.e. sans Joe Don Baker and/or the Rock. I'm always saying on the DTVC how film makers should remake bad films with this or that in them to make them better, and I think this one did that. Okay, probably not; I mean I don't see the people who made this saying "why don't we remake Walking Tall with Gary Busey because Joe Don Baker sucks", but it's what I would've done, and it's cool that it happened.

Yaphet Koto is in this. It's weird, because he brings a touch of class to the film that doesn't really belong there. It's like the Seinfeld where everyone was eating Snickers bars with a fork and knife. I can't imagine this was a real resume booster for him either. He should be doing Othello or Homicide: Life on the Streets. I can't imagine what it was like for him on set having to shoot these bad action movie scenes. It must've eaten away at his soul.



The head baddie was William Smith. He's listed on imdb as being like 73 years old. I can't believe it. Growing up he was in every TV detective show I used to watch. He almost always played the bad guy. I'd imagine men like Martin Kove and Brian Thompson owe him a huge debt of gratitude, because they wouldn't be anywhere today if it wasn't for William Smith. This PBR's for you, my man. You're one of the good ones.

I'm not sure why his wife was killed off. I guess to give us the sense that he had nothing left to lose, which wasn't exactly true, because he had the traumatized daughter. I have to assume the original idea was to off the wife, and then let Busey hook up with the soap star. I guess that was cut from the final version. It seemed like they might go for it, when Busey gave her a ride home and they had some beers, but it ended there.

There was another scene where I had the sense that they were looking to add another thread to the plot that was eventually cut from the final product. Busey gives a speech to his fellow townsfolk while they're playing bingo, imploring them to take a stand against the bad sheriff. As he does it, this man in a cowboy hat keeps looking like he wants to stand up and join Busey. They keep showing him and his emotionally torn face. We get the sense that he may show up later and do something, but he never does, so the focus on him just looks really weird.



Before I wrap up, I gotta mention this two sweet way Busey offs one of the bikers. The Biker's in the hospital, and Busey needs to know where the rest of them hang out because they've kidnapped his daughter. So he goes into the guy's hospital room, and lubes up a stick of dynamite, and sticks it in the dude's butt. He lights the fuse, and the guy freaks and tells him where his friends' hide-out is. Then Busey leaves, and the guy dies of a heart attack from fear of his ass exploding, just as the wick smolders out: it was a dud. That may have been one of the best uses of irony in a film ever.

I feel like you've really got to be a Busey guy to dig this film. I kinda am, so I did, but if you don't, you won't. That's really my big caution to you. In my mind, this was a tad too Abusive for me; like if you used an Asian food star system to determine the spiciness, this was about a three or four star movie. Many people like their Abusiveness at a lower level, and I can't blame them for that.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091027/

Captain America (1990)

In looking up information on imdb for this film, I discovered there are two Captain America movies from 1979 that were made for TV and starred Reb Brown. For those of you who don't know that name, Reb Brown played the hero in Space Mutiny. "Wow" is all I can say. How did that one get by me? I guess even a connoisseur of bad films misses a few here and there.

The 1990 Captain America doesn't have Reb Brown, but instead JD Salinger's son Matt. Taking some liberties with the original story, Red Skull is Italian, and the person who invents the super soldier serum is an Italian woman. She comes to America after her process is usurped to make the Red Skull, and she teams up with Michael Nouri and Bill Mumy in the US Army to turn Mr. Salinger into the Star Spangled Sentinel. He doesn't have much time to train, and is bested by the Skull, who straps him a la silly serial film to a bomb aimed at Washington DC. Right before it hits the White House, Ol' Cap changes its course, but not before a young boy sees him do it and is inspired to grow up and become Ronny Cox. Instead of creating a corporation in Detroit that creates murderous robots and hiring the dad from That 70s Show as his hatchet man to kill Miguel Ferrer, he becomes a nice, environmentally friendly president. This upsets the Red Skull, so he kidnaps him, and it's up to our hero to save him. Also has Darren McGavin and Ned Beatty.



Word on the street is there's a new Cap being made in the mold of these new millennium Marvel movies. If it's like Spiderman or X-Men, it might be all right. On the other hand, we have a whole bunch of misses to consider too. I don't get why these films take themselves so seriously. They're comic book movies, and comic books are by nature silly. Instead of wasting the cash to ruin another Marvel character on the big screen, why not just re-release this in 2010 for it's 20th anniversary. It'd be better than Ben Affleck speaking in breathy tones.

Don't get me wrong, this film is bad. Director Albert Pyun really outdid himself here. Why the Red Skull is Italian is beyond me. He also looks less like the Red Skull, and more like the Thing from the new Fantastic Four movies. In the very beginning he looks like the Red Skull, it's just the 45 years later that he looks different. I don't know whose idea that was, but it should've been nixed from the jump.

I had trouble with their cast as the president. Ronny Cox is always a bad guy to me. I know some of you out there may know him from Stargate: Whatever, but to me he's the bad guy in Robocop and countless other films. Casting a president is a very big deal. Many bad films just mail it in and go for Roy Scheider, and I can't argue with that approach. It takes an inspired film maker like a Dolph Lundgren to cast Jerry Springer as the leader of the free world.



Matt Salinger wasn't bad as Cap, but the film itself used him poorly. He was often running away, which makes no sense when you consider he's Captain America. If he has the stones to take out the Red Skull, why's he running from some Italian dude with a ponytail riding a scooter? The new movie should just be this movie with less Cap fleeing in fear. They'd have a hit on their hands.

Ned Beatty is great in this, as he is in everything. He should've been the president, come to think of it. The Red Skull could've caught him and told him he was going to make him squeal like a pig, boy. It would've been sweet. With Ned Beatty still alive, this is another wrong the next film could make right. Maybe have him reprise his role from The Rockford Files. I don't know why film makers don't think of things like that, but they need to start concentrating more on their target audience.



For anyone who hasn't seen this, it's a must watch. It's one of those seminal bad action films that's turned into a rite of passage for all bad movie watchers. It's kind of difficult to find, with it only existing on VHS; and with the new movie coming out, I fear the film industry will try to Stalinize it's existence like they did with Dolph's Punisher after the Jane/Travolta sack-of-asscrack was released. If you can get your hands on it, though, it's well worth whatever you pay for it. Okay, maybe only if you don't pay too much...

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103923/

Blackjack (1998)

I first saw this movie as a USA Original Pictures, I guess back in 1998 when imdb said it came out. A buddy of mine, who's also a Dolph Lundgren fanatic, hadn't seen it, I knew he needed to. Fortunately I found a used copy at a local record store for $1.98. Even though I didn't have the cash, they let me use my debit card. I think that's what Visa should have for it's commercials: people like me finding Dolph Lundgren films at really low prices without any cash on hand to buy them. That's way cooler than those stupid ads with bad music that show people holding up lines because they're not paying with Visa. But I totally digress.

Blackjack sees DTVC Hall of Famer Dolph Lundgren collaborating with famed action director John Woo. He's Jack Devlin, a former US Marshall or something who has a bad experience protecting a man and his family and now is afraid of white. Or maybe he was always afraid of it because the car he drove with his dad was white, and he got his dad killed by not seeing his signal. Or maybe it wasn't his fault because the Zippo used by the dad to signal Dolph was bad. I don't know, whatever. Anyway, Fred Williamson is a private bodyguard type who gets injured protecting a supermodel from a preposterously sophisticated stalker. Dolph, who's a close friend of Freddy's (who wouldn't be), takes over the case. In the meantime, he's taking care of the girl whose dad he couldn't protect earlier, which led to the whole not liking white thing. Finally he overcomes his fear and beats the absurdly sophisticated stalker.



This movie's hilarious. From top to bottom. You know you're in for good times when Dolph's character's name is Jack Devlin. Or Tank Concrete. Or Lump Beef Broth (a guy can dream, right?). The whole being afraid of white is as funny as it sounds. John Woo delivers on the bad action, and though it's no Hard Boiled, and as such probably not up for selection on the Criterion Collection anytime soon, it gets us bad movie honks to the church on time.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Dolph Lundgren is the Babe Ruth of the Direct to Video Connoisseur. The guy is just amazing. It adds to the enjoyment when you realize he has a masters in chemical engineering. It's almost like he's wink-winking and nudge-nudging us as he does these hilarious scenes where he's afraid of white. And his interactions with his too-hot psychologist who smokes cigars and wants to do him was for me a nice slice of Acting 101. I also dug the way he was completely all right with how ludicrously sophisticated the stalker was. He's just that good.



This film wasn't all roses though. For one, it pulls the Fred Williamson bait-and-switch. That was a major disappointment for me. If you go back a few posts, you'll see that we at the DTVC were victims of the same crime in the film Crooked. Come on people, you're better than that. If you're telling me Fred Williamson's in a movie, put him in the damn movie.

Another issue was the comedic foil. He's played by the guy who was dumped by Daphne on Fraser for Niles. After seeing him in this, we can see why she made the right choice. Why movies like this don't realize that they're the comic relief, and as such, shouldn't try to include their own, is beyond me. It's always more annoying than funny. I'm imploring bad action directors, and that includes you, Mr. Woo, to keep the goofy-played-for-laughs character out of the films. Again, you're movie isn't that good-- it provides all the laughs we need. Thank you.



The baddie in this made zero sense. Unlike most stalkers who're just uncharismatic versions of romantic comedy leads trying to use the same tactics to get the girl, here we get a seriously sophisticated assassin. We never know why he's so well versed in covert warfare. We find out the supermodel was married before she became famous, and this dude was the husband. And then I guess he's also a superior sniper, expert bomb maker, and a black belt in several forms of martial arts. But what's great is it's a bad action movie. He's a stalker, so of course he'd be a well versed fighter too.

At $1.98 this movie is well worth the price. I'd probably only buy it if you can get it that cheap, or if you're as huge a Lundgren fan as I am. But renting it is totally worth it. You and your bad movie buddies will have no problem ripping this to shreds and loving every minute of it. I mean, come on, Dolph Lundgren as Jack Devlin, a guy whose afraid of white: that just sounds hot.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0126816/

Watchers III (1994)

I caught this gem recently on Sci-Fi, and based on the Wings Hauser factor alone I needed to TiVo it. There's just something about Wings, a certain je ne sais quois, that makes him entertaining in anything he does. One of my personal faves is his short stint on Beverly Hills 90210. That's right, I said it. If they ever put that show on DVD, you may want to check that out, just for shits and grins.

Watchers III is based on a Dean Koontz novel, but is more a Predator rip off. What Wings has that Arnie didn't have when he fought the big fella is a dog with a large IQ. Also, even though the Predator looks like Manny Ramirez, the monster in this looks like a rejected puppet from Peter Jackson's Meet the Feebles, which would be cool if this was a comedy. Anyway, what Wings finds out is that the government made the monster as the ultimate killing machine, and Wings and his convict friends are sent in to get slaughtered by it. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Wings is in military prison. Just like Predator, Wings gets to the chopper and everything's okay. All right, maybe they pull a twist on the "Get to the chopper", and Wings booby traps it for the puppet. Who cares?



This is abhorrently bad. It's got Wings Hauser in it. That's it. The monster's too goofy to fear, the other actors are ridiculous, and the dog's only slightly smarter than Air Bud or Lassie. While watching it with some friends, we were constantly in awe of how bad this was. It was like MST3K quality.

Wings tries his best in this, and it's plenty entertaining. He continues to reaffirm his status as a DTVC Hall of Famer through his efforts in crap like this. Between his scenes with the dog, to his dialog in funny-that's-supposed-to-be-cool military speak (you know, "Checkmate this is Goose Down, do you read me?"), he delivers. I totally give him an A for effort. The problem is, you can get the same satisfaction out of seeing him guest star on an episode of Walker: Texas Ranger or something, and you're in and out the door in half the time.



Despite my lack of snobbery when it comes to movies, I'm a bit of one in terms of books, so I must confess, I've never read a Dean Koontz novel. Is he any good? Perhaps the James Joyce of our generation? Was the book version of this any good? As far as I can tell, if what we saw in the film was the basic premise of the book, it's probably not, right? I still gotta finish Manhattan Transfer anyway.

One small part of the film that was kind of funny for me was the woman in Hauser's attack crew. The woman herself was only sorta kinda funny, but her name was great: Gomez. I know that by it's very nature as a last name, some women must have it, and it probably sounds all right in real life when paired with a first name. "Hey, I want you to meet Maria Gomez." Not bad. But when you're just shouting it out, "Gomez!", it denotes a goofy Latino stereotype playing the comedy relief. I'm not saying a Gomez in movie can't handle a piece and be good in a fight, I'm just saying I see more "Oh Gomez, you're such a kook", instead of "Gomez, you're the only chick in this crew, but we know that in spite of that chickness, you'll be tough enough to hold your own."



This is preposterously bad. Maybe, and that's a big maybe, watch this at 2am if you're typing a paper or up late after a huge night of drinking. Otherwise, run when you see this listed on your program guide, or displayed in your video store. I'm still smarting from it.

Beowulf (1999)

I remember picking this one up with some friends because the video store was offering a rent so many get so many free night, and we needed a last movie to fill out the deal. This just looked like a no-brainer: Lambert in a futuristic remake of the 6th century epic poem Beowulf. What could be better?

This Lambert 1999 version of Beowulf takes place in a medieval future where most of human technology has devolved-- the only exceptions being haircare products, plastic body bags, and leather clothing (though the taste in leather clothing has definitely devolved too!). Lambert is our eponymous hero who shows up at this walled in city that looks like a live-action version of Gargamel's castle on The Smurfs. There he meets a hot chick, her dad (who's the king), and a guy in a purple leather outfit. He fights Grendel pretty much the way you'd remember it from the original, only he adds tons of flips. He's doing back flips, front flips, a tuck maneuver that you might see from an Olympic diver. In the end he beats the nasty Grendel and his vengeful mother. He also gets the girl.



Did I mention how ridiculous this is? Did I mention I loved every ridiculous minute of it? It had me at the first big fight scene where Lambert takes on some savages outside the walled city that are about to sacrifice the chick from The Mummy that isn't Rachel Weis. The Mortal Kombat movie style techno is superb. Couple that with Lambert's too sweet hair (that rhymes if you pronounce Lambert with the French accent like my friends and I do). I guess the best way to sum up the movie was that sense of entertainment you get out of watching someone who thinks he's really cool try his hardest to act really cool, but you and everyone you're with know just how uncool he is. This movie thought it was that cool, and instead it was just the balding guy with the ponytail listening to Fallout Boy on his iPod.

This goes for Lambert too, I'm afraid. He's too old to pull off being cool like that. The kind of cool that would really work for him is the kind that listens to Manfred Mann's Earth Band and Thin Lizzy, and tells us kids we don't know what good music really is. And he'd be right. He should've ripped that techno from the phonograph, or out of the minstrel's lute, or wherever it came from, and threw on some Bread or ELO or Lynyrd Skynyrd. Maybe even beat up Grendel to "You're so Vain". I had a dream there was some Lambert in my coffee. Now we're talkin'.



Despite the movie's usual futile attempts at being cool, it did have one bright moment. Mac from Night Court is in this. Beyond the sheer awesomeness that he's still alive (it's not that I thought he was dead either, but I hadn't seen him in anything in a while, and I wouldn't have put the whole being dead thing past him), the fact that he was Mac in every way, shape, and form added to the novelty. He didn't try to affect some kind of bad accent like Michelle Rodriguez in BloodRayne. He just did Mac, and I for one loved him for it.

The woman starring opposite Lambert is named Rhona Mitra, and you may recognize her from The Practice or it's cooler spin-off Boston Legal. She's been in some feature films too, like the difficult to understand how it was greenlighted Number 23. I wonder if while filming 23 she thought to herself "Wow, I finally made the big time, and I'm in movies that're worse than the horrible Lambert movies I did when I hadn't made it." Am I giving her too much credit to think she thought that? I bet she stands by and is even proud of 23, yet is afraid to put Beowulf on her resume. That's a shame.



This movie is so worth a crack. It's too silly to avoid. I wouldn't go so far as to say you should run out and buy it at full price, because it's not a classic or anything, but definitely you should rent it with your bad movie buddies if you haven't seen it already. This is top notch bad Lambert.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120604/