The Punisher (1989)

This was one of the movies I watched as a kid that made me appreciate the art form of the bad action film. Between DTVC Hall of Famer Dolph Lundgren, Oscar winner Louis Gossett Jr., and the sheer volume of violence and bloodshed, it's a perfect ten in my book. The makers of the '04 version tried to make their film equally as pornographically violent, while distancing themselves from this amazing predecessor. What we got was a grimacing Thomas Jane, a disturbingly bad scene where Tucker from Flash Forward had his piercings ripped out, and the perpetually bad John Travolta reprising his role as the bad guy from Battlefield Earth. Ridiculous.

This version of The Punisher stars Dolph as the Marvel hero Frank Castle, who sees his family blown up by a mafia placed car bomb. Dolph survives, but only Louis Gossett Jr. suspects this, and as a vigilante known only as the Punisher starts gunning down mob members. When the Yakuza moves into town, the Punisher has to work with his old target dummies to take them down too.

According to IMDb, 91 people were killed in this film. I knew there were a lot, so I wasn't surprised by that. The violence, though, is done in a sort of Robocop way that's more awesome than hard to watch (as opposed to a Hills Have Eyes, or Touristas per se). This is bad action at it's finest, and leaves many wondering why the '04 version was even made, let alone made so poorly with a template like this to work from. The mowing down of 20 ninjas at once is way better than Keanu Reeves beating up a bunch of karate dudes in The Matrix. Dolph also crashes through a casino ceiling and mows down a bunch of people there at the beginning of the film, which is how the newer version of Ocean's 11 should have been. I mean, if you're going to remake a movie that had dudes like Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Cesar Romero, why do what Soderberg and Clooney did, when you can do what Dolph did.

This is one of two films where Dolph works with Oscar winner Louis Gossett jr., the other being Cover Up. I'd like to see more of these collaborations. Dolph needs more guys with mustaches to co-star with, and why not have it be the best. I mean, what else is LGJ up to nowadays anyway?

This is also Dolph's second dealing with the Yakuza, the other being Showdown in Little Tokyo. If I have one complaint with this film, it's that they, unlike Showdown, didn't cast Cary Tagawa as the head baddie. It was a missed opportunity that would have made a great film like this a Casablanca type.

In terms of the Dolph factor, I know when we first heard of this film, my friends and I were a little skeptical of him sporting a black-dyed dome. It didn't really matter though, when he's hanging from the ceiling spraying a crowd of illegal gamblers with myriad bullets. I didn't mind him straying from his classic blond hair for one picture, especially with him doing such a faithful portrayal of one of my favorite comics.

From what I've been able to find out, this film is out of print due to the crummy '04 version being in the market. If this is John Travolta's doing, it's just another reason to be pissed at Quentin Tarentino for creating this monster also known as the post-Pulp Fiction Travolta. Sure, he was great in Saturday Night Fever, but after that, not so much, and we shouldn't be subjected to his crummy Punisher when there's a great one out there with a real mensch like Dolph in the lead.

If you can find this film used, buy it. It's a must have for any action collection. It's a classic along the lines of Robocop, The Terminator, and Bloodsport. It wasn't a major theatrical release in the States because New World Pictures went bankrupt (ibid). If you've never seen this before, you can't honestly call yourself an action fan (just like you can't call yourself a Red Sox fan if you've never heard of Mike Greenwell--but I digress). So if you like bad action and haven't seen this, you need to go out right now and find this. You won't be disappointed.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098141/

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Future War (1997)

My buddies and I first saw this classic on MST3K. Being a big Bernhardt fan from his work on the Mortal Kombat show and the Bloodsport movies, the film was particularly special. But it's also sufficiently ridiculous to make a solid MST3K episode.

Future War is about neither a war or the future. It's about these cyborgs that have enslaved the human race in the future, and Bernhardt plays one that's escaped. For some reason the cyborgs go back in time to take slaves. Also, there's a big ship that's in play. The cyborgs use dinosaurs as trackers when a slave escapes. Bernhardt, in escaping the dinosaurs, falls into the clutches of a drug user turned nun who tries to help him. He learns English quickly and recruits her and her teen gang to give their lives to save his from the dinosaurs. In the end Bernhardt heroically saves the day.



This film is a work of beauty. I'm still not exactly sure what the film makers were going for, and I think that makes it all the more endearing. The dinosaurs are extremely hilarious. I don't know why they're there, what they're doing, or how they kill people. Also, when they die, they explode into a cloud of dust. I'm surprised the Christian Right doesn't use this film to refute the dinosaur's existence. If they all explode into clouds of dust when they die, then how do paleontologists find their bones?

The cyborg chasing Bernhardt is sweet too. He's got this big, doughy face, and looks more silly than imposing. His two main modes of attack on Bernhardt are his arm, which shoots a collar that attaches itself to Bernhardt's neck and restricts his movement; and his superhuman strength, which he uses to throw Bernhardt through stacks of empty boxes. He also indiscriminately kills other people, which gives the movie a slasher film element.

This may be Bernhardt's best role. He's extremely believable as the human slave who becomes fluent in English in a day or two, and can out fight large, plastic dinosaurs. When some investigators cut out this large tracking device from the back of his neck, you can really see in his face just how absurd it is. He can also stab dinosaurs with a knife, leave the knife in it, then have it magically reappear in his hand.



This film has a tribute to the Bunuel classic Viridiana. It has the soon-to-be nun who takes in a bunch of riff-raff that no one else believes in, and gives them a chance at a better life. I'm wondering if the film makers had trouble reconciling Bunuel's ending, where the riff-raff take advantage of the woman's largess by destroying her late aunt's nice house, and two of them almost rape her; because here the riff-raff performs admirably as they give their lives to the dinosaurs and cyborgs so Bernhardt can save the day. On the other hand, they may be making the statement that that's all the poor are good for. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this by finding a connection between this and the greatest Spanish director of all time, and really the film makers just thought the idea of a nun with a sordid past was hot.

You could probably buy this for like $5 on DVD. Do it. You won't be disappointed. Whether you're a novice or a pro at mocking films, this is a must have. If you can get the MST3K version of it, do that too. They did a great job, as they always do, in making a silly film even better. You just can't go wrong here.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113135/

Timecop: The Berlin Decision (2003)

I think I caught this film on the Sci-Fi channel. I don't really remember. I only watched it because the original Timecop, which had DTVC Hall of Famer Jean-Claude Van Damme, was pretty hilarious, and I was hoping this would be equally as funny.

Timecop: The Berlin Decision stars Jason Scott Lee as a timecop working 20 years after the Van Damme movie. There's a baddie who's escaped prison and is going back in time to eliminate all the current timecops' ancestors, which would in turn kill them. The bad guy was in jail to begin with, because he went back in time to kill Hitler, and the whole thing was a disaster. So Scott Lee has to visit all his ancestors and stop the baddie from offing them, and eventually he makes it to the late 90s, where his dad is teaching a younger version of the baddie in a college course on time travel. After an awkward fight scene where Scott Lee pummels the younger baddie, who doesn't know how to fight yet, everything ends all right.

As a huge Highlander: The Series fan, I'm used to good period sets and clothing and what not. Timecop: TBD falls somewhat short of the Highlander standard. They look all right, but they also look like they were done on a weak budget. I'd say worse than the sets and the outfits, was how bad Scott Lee seemed to stand out in each scene. The timecop agency doesn't do a good job of making their agents blend in, and I'm surprised any mission ever succeeds.

With Jason Scott Lee in a movie, I'm expecting some nice martial arts action. I didn't get it here. Now I'm suck with a substandard bad action film, with nothing to root for. If I'm a film maker, and I've just got word that we've signed Scott Lee to the picture, I'm rewriting the thing to include some major fight scenes. It just makes sense. As Wilford Brimley would say, "It's the right thing to do."



The Timecop franchise has not only spawned the films, but also a TV show. If you ask me, the whole thing's kind of a wasted property. As in this film, they really don't do anything cute with the idea of time travel. Everyone's done the "let's kill Hitler" thing. Why don't they go back and find out if Shakespeare was really gay? Or if Abe Lincoln was gay? Or the Knights Templar? What if they offered time travel vacation packages where Cubs fans can go back and watch their team win a World Series? I'd love to see one where a guy plans to go back and fill Al Capone's vault right before Geraldo opens it, and Jason Scott Lee has to stop him, because the respectability Geraldo would gain from that would cause an apocalyptic catastrophe ten years later. I can't imagine I'm the only one who'd want to see that.

I'm not sure what to tell you about this film. Absolutely don't buy it or rent it. Maybe watch it when it's on TV, but only if you've got nothing better going on. It's not that bad, but it's just not that good either. It's just a whole lot of blah.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0318763/

Frostbite (2005)

This film popped up on ON Demand when my buddy and I were looking for a good comedy after 1 o'clock in the morning. Based on it's runtime (under 90 minutes), we figured we'd give it a try. Also, we're big Ski School fans, so there was a history there.

Frostbite is about this dude and the girl who has a crush on him who go to this snowboarding school he was admitted into. Once there, he finds out it's run like a military academy, and is expelled for not being conservative enough. He meets the ragtag group of kids that hang out at Traci Lords' coffee shop, and with the inspiration of the guy that played Kramer's lawyer on Seinfeld, they win back the mountain from the Evil snowboarding school.

This film was pretty much dick and fart jokes and Three Stooges style humor. But it was done really well. The main character had a pretty solid delivery style that worked in all the funny scenes. I'd say this was almost a parody of another comedy Out Cold, but an homage to the classic Ski School. That's just kind of the way the jokes fell.

There's a blind real estate agent in the film, and they spare no expense in working in crude jokes regarding his impairment. My favorite was when the main character left Traci Lords' coffee shop, tasted his coffee, didn't like, and dumped it aside, splashing the blind man in the face with hot coffee. It sounds horrible, but it was oh so funny.

As in many films of this genre, boobs were everywhere. There was no shame in how often they showed them. Maybe it's a guy thing, but I'm okay with that. Traci Lords' boobs, however, even though they're mentioned a lot, are not shown. There are a few cracks made in reference to her past work in Gentlemen's Cinema, which is interesting, because the majority of people born after like '83 wouldn't get those jokes. I was kinda under the impression the 18-34 demographic was their target, so that cuts out a chunk of it. Maybe it was a little something special for us oldies.

The final race scene was a little lacking. I think they were mocking final race scenes in similar movies, especially with the baddies sporting spiked bats and whatnot without attempting to conceal them. As opposed to other parts of the film, I'm not so sure I'm okay with that. The final race is the parody. You can't parody the parody. Just the same, there was a cute twist with the blind guy and our hero that was kind of cool.

The Kramer's lawyer element finished the film off for me. He was perfect, spitting out conspiracy theories and general observations with the same style of delivery he used on Seinfeld. In one he said Kurt Kobain killed Courtney Love, then cut off his dick, got fake boobs, and now lives as her. In another he says he taught Jim Morrison how to snowboard in 1989. More movies should have him in them. Not him, per se, but his character as Kramer's lawyer.

I'd go with this bad boy if you're pouring through the ON Demand free movie lineup after 1am looking for a comedy like we were. You could rent it if you're in the mood for the same deal, but I'm not sure many movie stores are open that late. Don't buy it. It's not exactly good enough for that kind of commitment.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0431074/

Street Trash (1987)

My buddy and I used to watch this show called Buzz and Tony's Drive-In Reviews. I think that was what it was called anyway. And I think it was on Comedy Central, too. Anyway, we loved it, and this was one of the movies they reviewed. It took some doing, but we managed to track the fucker down, and it lived up to the beauty we imagined from seeing it on the show. It's now a classic among my friends.

Street Trash is about this subculture of hobos living in a junkyard. The community's run by a tyrannical Vietnam vet who kills people with a sharpened human bone, even though the junkyard's owned by a gross fat man. There's a dude living there who's kind of a scam artist that gets by on his wits and street smarts. His younger brother takes a shine to the secretary of the guy who owns the junkyard, and they form a bond. While all of this is going on, a liquor store owner finds a bunch of this old booze called Viper stashed away behind some other stuff. He sells it for a buck a bottle to the hobos. The catch is, the stuff makes you melt. It's pretty ridiculous. After some doing, the girl and the younger brother fight off the tyrant and free the junkyard to make it a safe place for hobos.



This movie is amazingly great campy horror. It's up there with Bad Taste, only Bad Taste is more fun and Street Trash is a little more depraved. The special FX and types of deaths are right in line, though. So is the film quality.

One clip shown on Buzz and Tony's was the famous Penis Toss. In it, a guy is taking a leak behind a bus, he pees on the tyrant by accident, so the tyrant rips his dank off, and throws it. The guy chases after it, and the rest of the hobo community plays keep away. How can you not love a Penis Toss?

Another great scene is the death on the toilet. A bum gets his hands on some viper, and he drinks it while sitting on a toilet. As he melts, he tries to grab the chain for help, and he starts to flush himself. It's absolutely disgusting yet sweet at the same time. I dug it the most.



This is a genre of horror that's always kind of appealed to me more than the Saw Part Deuxs and the Hostel 666s. I mean, you can't get any sicker than a Penis Toss, yet their brand of brutality is so much more fun than the new kinds. The problem is, I seem to be in the minority, so the big studios greenlight more Saws and these guys are lucky if a studio like Troma will pick them up. Then guys like me have to search like a dog to find them.

There's a new special edition DVD of this movie. I'd say buy it. My friends and I went years with just the copies we bootlegged from the one we found at a rental store. $20 is a little on the expensive side, but if you're a fan of campy horror like Bad Taste and Evil Dead, it's a $20 well spent.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094057/

No Safe Haven (1987)

I found this film in the used section of a video store for $1.99. I scooped it without hesitation, if only for DTVC Hall of Famer Wings Hauser. It's not everyday you get a deal like that.

No Safe Haven is a film from a Wings Hauser screen play. In it, he plays a CIA agent whose family is murdered by a drug syndicate. He returns from his post in Honduras on a mission of revenge. He kills a lot of people, then goes down to the Bayou and finds an arms dealer who's teaching the trade to his young son. The guy equips him heavily for a final showdown in Bolivia with the head baddie. Bolivia, of course, is the Safe Haven that the title explains to us is not so safe. There's No Safe Haven from a Wings Hauser hell bent on revenge.



My friends were a little worried going into this. It's essentially a Bruce Penhall Spike TV level actioner that just happens to have Wings in it. In the opening scene, Renegade's Branscombe Richmond tries to gun down some dude, and spays the area with bullets. Since this is an uncertain method, he just kills a lot of innocent people and the dude gets away. So Branscombe and his homeboy give chase, and the guy hops in a cement truck. When the truck hits another car, it explodes, like when you use the tank in Grand Theft Auto. Eventually the guy's luck runs out, and he hits a charter bus, which makes and even bigger explosion. It was so hilarious, my friends were in.

The hilarity does slow a bit after that. Wings' revenge killings are pretty sweet. In one he sets a guy on fire and throws him out a window in a skyscraper. His final confrontation with the big baddie is worthy of any Bruckheimer action film. Wings loads the guy's place with C4, confronts him for the face to face killing, then escapes as the place is demolished. Good job.

I know some people are curious why Wings is in the DTVC Hall of Fame, especially since this is only his second film in here. I'm working on rectifying that, believe me. One thing that makes Wings a great DTV action actor is his uncanny ability to be both a heel and a hero convincingly. Yet at the same time, in whatever he does, he's still Wings. He's also got a pretty extensive DTV career that we can't overlook. He's paid his dues.



As I mentioned above, this film has Branscombe Richmond of Renegade fame. He's always interesting for me, because on Renegade, he played this wisecracking sidekick to Reno, aka DTVC Hall of Famer Lorenzo Lamas; yet in most of these action movies, he plays a sinister heel. It's very difficult for me to reconcile the two. I first got to know him as Bobby Six-Killer, and I'd like to see him go back to that well more often. He needs to drive a Winnebago more too.

If you're as lucky as me and see this for $1.99, don't hesitate. You won't be sorry. I'm not sure I can say that if you pay more, so I wouldn't recommend it. This is a quality rental for a bad action movie night too. You really can't go wrong with it.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093639/

Silver Hawk aka Fei Yang (2004)

I first caught this film late at night on Encore Action. I had some friends over, and they were ready to leave, but watched the first five minutes with me. It was way too silly for them, but they knew full well that I would be watching it, and the next day I told them how it was.

Silver Hawk is an interesting take on Batman, set in a futuristic Asian metropolis called Polaris City. Michelle Yeoh plays a rich socialite by day who dons the costume of Silver Hawk to fight crime by night. A childhood friend from her martial arts school is the police detective charged with stopping her vigilante justice. At the same time, this Evil Baddie has usurped this technology that reads people's minds and can control them, and has inserted it into this extremely popular cell phone ear piece. He plans to take over the world like this, and Silver Hawk and her new boy toy/police detective must stop him.



I couldn't in good conscious call this simply a Batman rip-off because it does some really interesting things with the paradigm. It would be like calling Apocalypse Now a rip-off of The Heart of Darkness; only Apocalypse Now was good, and this was a fun, yet bad action movie. It was definitely infinitely better than that atrocious Catwoman movie Halley Barry did.

Speaking of Halley Barry, Michelle Yeoh is ten kinds of hot in this. According to imdb, she's over forty (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000706/), but the character she was playing was about fifteen years younger. Just the same, she kicked tons of ass too. I don't remember exactly, but I don't think she was ever in the position of the preening damsel in distress in this either. The whole thing worked for me.

There were a lot of things that didn't work, though. One of them was the student of the guy who invented the mind control chip. He kept tagging along behind the cop friend, and was a member of the Silver Hawk fan club, a la Buckeroo Bonzai. He was always in the way and whining and annoying the cop, which annoyed me the viewer too. He was like Dane Cook to Dennis Rodman in Simon Sez. He was a hard pill to swallow.

The martial arts was two parts solid and exciting and one part silly Crouching Tiger FX. I think it was meant to be fun, but it looked ridiculous. I'm tired of all this flying around and shit. It worked in Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" video, and that's about it.



The bad guy was weird. He had bionic arms. As a take Batman, the bad guys have got to be better. I'd say maybe a female Joker or a Catwoman was needed instead. That's one of the problems in making a good use of the Batman paradigm: the original had the best villain's gallery ever. Ask Moon Knight and it's lack of consistent success for Marvel if you don't believe me. In fact, all successful comics have great villain's galleries: Spiderman, X-Men, Batman, even Lex Luthor in Superman. If they make another Silver Hawk, I hope they rectify this.

This film is worth a rental. If you're into Asian chicks, it's worth buying, because Michelle Yeoh is amazing looking in it. Her martial arts are great too. I liked it as a bad, yet fun action movie. For me TiVoing it when it's on Encore Action again is the best bet.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0357894/