The Direct to Video Connoisseur

I'm a huge fan of action, horror, sci-fi, and comedy, especially of the Direct to Video variety. In this blog I review some of my favorites and not so favorites, and encourage people to comment and add to the discussion. If you click on an image, it will take you to that post's image page, which includes many more pics from the film and other goodies I couldn't fit in the actual review. For announcements and updates, don't forget to Follow us on Twitter and Like our Facebook page. If you're the director, producer, distributor, etc. of a low-budget feature length film and you'd like to send me a copy to review, you can contact me at dtvconnoisseur[at] I'd love to check out what you got.



Hi everyone, it's been a while since I checked the page, and I wanted to make a few announcements.

First and foremost, it appears a dubious site has claimed the old url, meaning any link in any review that goes to the old mattmovieguy url is corrupt. I'm in the process of trying to remove them all, but it's a lot! It's best not to click on any link without hovering over it first to make sure it doesn't have mattmovieguy in the url.

Second, it appears since my last trip to the blog, Photobucket has decided to charge for third party hosting, meaning none of my images are appearing anymore. That's simply an aesthetic issue, but still annoying.

Thank you all for your patience, and again, hopefully this will all be fixed soon.


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Future Kick (1991)


I had never heard of this film before seeing it on the site Movies in the Attic (listed under the section "Other Great Bad Movie Sites). The guy who owns it came across the Direct to Video Connoisseur, and sent me a message via MySpace. When I went to his, I saw the poster for this bad boy, and thought it looked awesome. He told me it wasn't that great, but I had to see it for myself, especially since it has DTVC Hall of Famer Don "The Dragon" Wilson.

Future Kick takes place in 2025. The Earth sucks, so rich people have moved to the moon, leaving the planet to the poor and depraved. A company at some point in time invented android or cyborg policemen (it was never totally clear to me), but they were so pure, when they found out the company was corrupt, they turned on their creators. Now the company wants them all eliminated, and Don "The Dragon" Wilson is the only one of them left. He lives as a poor bounty hunter, hiding from the authorities. While turning in a criminal, he comes across a mustachioed cat with a proposition. Unfortunately this man doesn't make it to the meeting he planned with Don, because Chris Penn and this other dude have killed him because of what he knows about their organ stealing operation. Now the guy's wife is searching for the killers, and only Don can help.


I kinda liked this. Don't get me wrong, it's rough. But it's only 76 minutes long, which means there isn't much time for dull plot exposition or character development, leaving only the fun behind. There were some great head explosions, which I can't get enough of in a film. The future, though silly too, was cool... sorta. It looked like a future where the 80s ruled. I've seen much worse, so I can't get on this one too much for it's version of Earth 2025. The idea of the ultimate gated community on the moon was ridiculous, but for a movie of this caliber, the more ridiculous, the better.

Don was pretty sweet in this. This was like his third film, after the first two Bloodfists (unless you count a cameo in Say Anything...), and so he hadn't really mastered the craft yet (though, has he really?). I'm not sure if he had an acting coach then, but they had to have fired him soon after this. On the other hand, it could've been like when I tutored football players in Anthropology 101 at UMaine. Most of the players got Ds, and I figured that meant I was doing crappy, but my boss was excited. It's possible Donny's acting coach was going for a passing grade here too.


This film is graphic, but in a Robocop ludicrous sense. You can't take any of it seriously. The main baddie takes out people's hearts with this three pronged weapon that looks like a more sinister version of the little stand pizza places put in the middle of their pizzas so the box won't collapse on it in transit. Maybe the grossest scene comes when D "The D" Dubs gets his pinkie cut off, but he's an android, so it's not the same. There's also some electronic game with a glowing ball, and if you lose, your head could explode. It just looks so hilarious, it's hard for it to be disturbing.

That being said, according to imdb, Iceland and Finland banned this gem. I never really had any respect for Iceland, but Finland's diminished considerably in my eyes. What were you thinking Finland? I'm taking my Finnish flag down and replacing it with a Swedish one. Not only did they not ban this, but they have Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who's probably cooler than every Fin combined. I'm sorry, Finland, I didn't mean that. We'll get through this, I know it.


Chris Penn isn't in this much, and when he is, he's a cyborg like Don, so he doesn't have much personality. It's an interesting conundrum. On the one hand, it's Chris Penn, which is really awesome. On the other hand, there isn't much to savor, which sucks. I guess what frustrates me is that the bad guy, who Penn was working for, not only wasn't cool, but was less famous than Penn. Why not just switch the two? These are the kinds of decisions that are the difference between having your movie distributed or banned in Finland.

What do you want me to say? This is pretty fun. At 76 minutes you can't beat it. Don't go too far out of your way to procure, ie, don't spend too much money. Put it on your Netflix queue and show it to your buddies on a bad movie night. Like Quaker Oats, it's the right thing to do.

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