Bad Blood aka Viper (1994)

I saw this on Netflix's Watch Instantly. The Lamas on the cover was all I needed. Mid-nineties Lamas is a sweet thing, especially when the director uses it the right way. A poor usage of mid-nineties Lamas breaks my heart.

Viper has Lamas as a truck driver slash disgraced cop whose brother is into the mob for five mill, and they want it back. They make the mistake of asking Lamas for it, and he gives them a Renegade style beatdown. Now he's got to protect his brother, father, and brother's girlfriend (who used to be his girlfriend) from the mob, while he tries to procure the missing cash. Also, Lamas flips over a moving car.



This isn't a bad deal. It has some slow parts, and it's more guns than hand-to-hand stuff, but it's a good bad action movie. I've seen better from Lamas in this genre from this time period, but that didn't mean it wasn't watchable. There was plenty to goof on. Lamas playing piano, Lamas coaching Little League, and Lamas flipping over a moving car. All great stuff.

Sometimes people look at the list of Hall of Famers and ask why Lamas is there when some other notables aren't. I think it's the cheese factor. No one exudes it better. Whether he's traveling cross country with Bobby Sixkiller, or sharing scenes with Jack Wagner on Bold and the Beautiful, or judging people on Are You Hot?, it's all cheesy, but it's all a fun cheesy. What's great for us is he tends to ply his cheese trade more often than not in DTV movies. After Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, I felt like I needed to go back to my Lamas roots for this post, and I got my fill. I think I might go here for my next Lamas flick: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ybvFa_yV0Y&feature=related. It was suggested by my friend at Movies in the Attic.



The bad guy in this is Joe Son, famous martial artist and trainer of Kimo. You may remember Son in UFC 4 getting punched repeatedly in the balls until he submitted. They don't let you do that anymore. Anyway, according to imdb and Wikipedia, he was charged in October 2008 for his alleged participation in a gang rape. Not good Joe. Also, imdb says he was born on November 22nd, 1970, but Wikipedia says he was born April 1st, 1971. If the latter is true, he's the third April Fool's Baby we've had here in a month or so. If the former's true, then I couldn't give a shit, because I was born on April 1st, not November 22nd. I wonder, though, if he has two birthdays. I'd like two birthdays too. I'd go for October 1st, so I could have them spaced out six months apart.



I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but Lamas flips over a moving car. It's hilarious. I wish I hadn't watched it on Watch Instantly, because on DVD I could've ripped the scene and linked it on here from YouTube. I have a picture, but it doesn't do it justice. He gets some air too. This isn't Kobe Bryant jumping a car. This is quality. If you watch this movie for anything, watch it for this.

This is a good time. If you need something to make fun of with your buddies, by all means. There's just so much there to work with. Two things I should mention, Joe Son shoots and kills a little girl after he gives her doll (I think it's a doll, but I can't remember. Might be an ice cream, or another toy. A balloon maybe. Does it matter?). That's kind of bad. Also, the bad guys torture Lamas' brother for information. That's not as bad as it could be. He gets a hot poker to the hand off-screen, but later has no ill effects from it. So, those things aside, it's more silly than sick.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108495/



I know I'm a little late on this, because it was released on DVD like 6 weeks ago, but better late than never. Fast and Furious is the fourth in the franchise, but the first one to reunite Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. It's really silly, and it was so bad in the first fifteen minutes, when Diesel and his crew were robbing a truck shipping oil in the same manner as the first film, that I almost turned it off. I was glad I didn't, because it slid back into something I could laugh at, which was what I wanted. Diesel didn't do it for me too much: he was essentially omnipotent, which is good in Chronicles of Riddick, but here just manifests itself in him slamming people around and through windows. I never thought I'd say this, but Paul Walker was actually pretty cool. I know what you're thinking, am I high? I was actually rooting for him over Diesel. I think what it is is at the beginning he didn't have a lot of lines, and was just running around beating people up in a smartly tailored black suit. It's when he has to deliver lines that he loses me. If you give him close-cropped hair, a slick suit, and more action than dialog, he's actually entertaining. I know, who'd've thunk it. There was a definite lack of great one-liners, which is the real reason why I watch Diesel, so it failed on that account. Not as much fun as part one, and bad in the Diesel department, but still worth a gander if you need to laugh at a movie.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1013752/