The Direct to Video Connoisseur

I'm a huge fan of action, horror, sci-fi, and comedy, especially of the Direct to Video variety. In this blog I review some of my favorites and not so favorites, and encourage people to comment and add to the discussion. If you click on an image, it will take you to that post's image page, which includes many more pics from the film and other goodies I couldn't fit in the actual review. For announcements and updates, don't forget to Follow us on Twitter and Like our Facebook page. If you're the director, producer, distributor, etc. of a low-budget feature length film and you'd like to send me a copy to review, you can contact me at dtvconnoisseur[at]yahoo.com. I'd love to check out what you got.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Cyborg Cop II aka Cyborg Soldier (1994)

Photobucket

I imagine, if you read my review of Cyborg Cop, that you know where I'm about to go with this one, so let's not delay and cut right to the chase.

In Cyborg Cop II, our man in the black fanny pack is back. That's right, David Bradley, not even on vacation now, is rocking a fanny pack while on the job as a DEA agent. After a dude that killed his partner and was sentenced to death is broken out of prison, Bradley is suspicious. So he loads up his fanny pack with snacks and ammunition, and seeks out the truth. What he finds is his boy is now a cyborg, aptly named Spartacus, because he leads his fellow enslaved cyborgs in a revolt. Does Bradley have enough tricks in his fanny pack to defeat them?

Photobucket

The fanny pack thing had to be a joke, right? I mean, before he gets off his motorcycle in his first scene, I made a crack about it, only to see that he was actually wearing it! And it's not just there for show. Uh-uh, no way, he's packing heat underneath there-- whoa, hold your horses ladies (and some fellas), I'm not talking about that, I mean he's hiding a gun... well, you know what I mean... anyway, this thing is in every scene. When he's saving a kid in slow motion, there's the fanny pack. When he's having a conversation with the chief, there's the fanny pack. I imagine even his stunt doubles wore it for continuity. Overall, the action was pretty solid, so, in addition to the hilarity of the fanny pack, this is a lot of fun.

There's something about Bradley throughout this that's kind of dandy-ish, like he's Gene Kelly or something. The way he leaps around, does his roundhouse kicks, the faces he makes when he's waiting for someone to attack. On top of that, you have the fanny pack. Luckily, the film makers countered all of this by making his character kick lots of ass. I mean, in the build-up, we're told these cyborgs are pretty much indestructible, but they're no match for our be-fanny-packed hero.

Photobucket

This how ridiculous the whole fanny pack thing got, other people were rocking them! Here is Bradley's dead partner's widow. Inside her fanny pack is her dead husband's Zippo, which she gives Bradley, and he promptly puts it in his fanny pack, until he needs it at the end of the film. It's like his fanny pack is his utility belt or something. They should've outfitted Bradley with a cape and cowl. "Brad-Man!" "Robin, get me the Shark Repellent Brad-Spray!" "But Brad-Man, you already have it in your fanny pack!"

It looks like even Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson is getting in on the act here with Bradley. I can't write a great Scottish accent, but you have to imagine this is hurting his sensibilities. "Noe David, tha' fanny pack doosen't soot ya. If yew were my player, I'd suspend ya er poot in a transfer request." (Speaking of Man U, as I write this, it's one day after Blackpool coughed up a two goal lead to them, extending their undefeated season. I'm hoping beyond hope they don't finish that thing off, because I'm a huge Arsenal fan.)

Photobucket

The thing that gets me most about the fanny packs in this film, is that they're all made of leather. Now, I'm no vegetarian, and I have some leather hiking boots and sneakers, so I'm not about to preach to you. All I'm saying is, a cow or bull's life is worth more than that, isn't it? I get that leather is a by-product of slaughtering the animal for meat, so technically it wasn't killed to make a fanny pack, but just the same, to use the leather to make a fanny pack, is like buying a steak just to let it rot on your shelf-- or to make a meat helmet out of it. What a waste of that animal's life on something so gaudy.

I got this from Netflix in a one disc two-pack that included part III, Terminal Impact. For this one alone it's worth it. Great action, great fanny pack...age, I guess... I should probably end this now before we get anymore phallic.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109518/

7 comments:

  1. I bought this thinking..."ooo...cyborg soldier. that sounds terrible, I'm buying this" and then it turns out its the sequel to Cyborg Cop.

    Win.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bahaha.. I have both Cyborg Cop and Cyborg Soldier but has no idea one was a sequel to the other. I got them because they were bad looking cyborg movies. Still yet to watch them, but the amount of bum bags on display is enticing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The fanny pack has to be a joke, the fact that the widow is wearing one is showcasing this had to have been done as a joke. Kind of like how women had mullets in R.O.T.O.R

    Another thing of note I have to see this again for the Fanny pack.

    However I argue that there is another abomination worse and that is a man scarf.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hilarious Review! The movie is fanny packed with action at every turn!

    Will have to re-rent these cyborg classics soon!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Total win, Mr. Gable, total win.

    Sutekh, I was thinking about what the word "Fanny" means in Australia as I wrote this. Is it only Australia, or does it mean that in the UK too?

    I agree about the scarf, Mr. Kenner. As someone who walks in the cold, I find it offensive that a dude would wear a scarf for fashion purposes. It's to protect the neck and face from frostbite. Still, not as offensive as the Fanny Pack.

    You might say Ty, David Bradley delivers a "Fanny Packed" performance.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I can't wait to get out of these snowy pants and into the films of David Bradley. I'm going to start with American Samurai but the Cyborg Cop films form a beacon of light with which to guide me through the rest of his filmography.

    Looks like the first one is on Instant and the second is on a double-feature disc with a Frank Zagarino movie. SCORE!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yes, Cyborg Cop part 1 is on Watch Instantly, so if anyone wants to catch that one before watching this, that's not a bad deal. Godspeed on your Bradley-fest.

    ReplyDelete