The Direct to Video Connoisseur

I'm a huge fan of action, horror, sci-fi, and comedy, especially of the Direct to Video variety. In this blog I review some of my favorites and not so favorites, and encourage people to comment and add to the discussion. If you click on an image, it will take you to that post's image page, which includes many more pics from the film and other goodies I couldn't fit in the actual review. For announcements and updates, don't forget to Follow us on Twitter and Like our Facebook page. If you're the director, producer, distributor, etc. of a low-budget feature length film and you'd like to send me a copy to review, you can contact me at dtvconnoisseur[at]yahoo.com. I'd love to check out what you got.

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--Matt

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Rapid Exchange (2003)

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I DVRed this a long time ago when it aired on EncoreAcrtion. I figured Lorenzo Lamas, Lance Henriksen, how bad can it be, right? I mean, really, how bad...?

Rapid Exchange had Lamas as a thief who does a heist with his buddy for Lance Henriksen, only to have guys dressed like SWAT steal what they were sent in to steal from them. Anyway, to try and get some money, Henriksen gets them in on a big score: to steal a bunch of cash that's been marked to be destroyed because it's too old. It's a crazy plan that sounds like a pretty awesome idea-- if you're braindead! As the cash is on a plane en route to its destination, they shoot a massive harpoon like thing into the plane from another plane while both are in flight, shoot across a rope attached to the harpoon, again while the planes are in flight, land on the money plane, stick the cash in bags, send them back to the first plane, again, while the planes are in flight, and go back over themselves, again, while the planes are in flight. As you can imagine, all of this ridiculousness would've gone perfectly except someone had to pull the ol' double cross.

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Wow, this snoozefest managed to not only be shot and released as a movie, but be one that starred Lance Henriksen and Lorenzo Lamas. The Heist film is always the toughest to pull of well, because unlike the straight up actioner, there's a greater need to lean on the plot. Tension has to be created organically, not with explosions, fights, and car chases. It works well if you're Hitchcock or Kurosawa. When you're making a DTV movie it's a different story. The thing they were probably going for most was the off-beat Tarentino type vibe, and that didn't work either. The very beginning was decent, and it all just went down hill.

One element that was pretty sweet, though, was DTVC Hall of Famer Lorenzo Lamas in various costumes. It was hilarious. Fake moustaches and wigs are great on him. They should make movies with him where every scene he has a different funny costume on. One thing I just realized is he'd make a great Batman. I'm serious. Tone down the darkness of the previous ones, go with more a syndicated action show approach as opposed to big budget blockbuster. Think Hercules meets Renegade meets Batman.

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And who would play the Joker? Lance Henriksen of course. Or maybe he'd make a great Louis the Lilac. Or Two-Face. There are so many great Batman villains, and Lance Henriksen is a great DTV villain. Of course, in Rapid Exchange he plays a sorta kinda good guy. Like he's bad because he steals things, but he's good because he wouldn't double cross Lorenzo Lamas, at least we don't think... One of our new followers, Sutekh, made the comment that he couldn't say no to Lance Henriksen flicks, but I think here, even if you get a kick out of Henriksen, you may want to take a flier.

I kind of want to keep talking about this syndicated Batman series I just came up with. So Lamas is Batman. Too much of a stretch? It would just be so hilarious though, in a way completely different from Adam West. In that vein, maybe Kevin Sorbo would make a better Batman. Now we're cooking. If Sorbo's Batman, Michael Hurst as Robin may be a bit iffy, even if he's a great Sorbo sidekick. What about Hurst as The Riddler? I'm still torn about Henriksen as either the Joker or Two-Face. William Shatner would make a great Two-Face, based on his work as an attorney on Boston Legal. Okay, so Henriksen as Joker by default. John Rhys-Davies as the Penguin? Maybe Lucy Lawless as Catwoman? To really solidify the FanBoy aspect, you could have either Painkiller Jane or the new Starbuck as Batgirl.

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This is getting good. Bruce Payne as Mr. Freeze? James Hong as Alfred? Whoa, a big thought just hit me: what about Bruce Campbell as Batman? Would that be too much, or just plain awesome? I'm trying to think of a good Commissioner Gordon... Burt Reynolds... maybe? I know a lot of people liked The Dark Knight, but Gary Oldman is too serious of an actor to play what is usually a silly role in Commissioner Gordon. Burt Reynolds, on the other hand, can do silly perfectly, with zero irony. Ooh, or what about Gary Busey as Commissioner Gordon? That would be hot. I still kind of like Lorenzo Lamas as Batman, even if Kevin Sorbo and Bruce Campbell would be much better. What if all these roles were done on a rotating basis, with no one tied down for more than an episode or two? Then you could have all three as Batman at one time or another.

All right, my daydream time is up. If you hadn't guessed, Rapid Exchange is pretty awful. You may see Lance Henriksen and Lorenzo Lamas and think, "this is promising." Well, it ain't. Stay away. Your brain and your sanity will thank you for it.

For more info:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0363931/

4 comments:

  1. Gary Busey for the record would be a good Joker or Riddler. Lance Henriksen would be a great Two Face or Mr Freeze.

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  2. I think the Riddler should be lithe and wiry, and Busey's too heavy for that; but as a Joker you're absolutely right. What if you shift Busey to Joker, Henriksen to Two-Face, and Shatner to Commissioner Gordon? I think we have a winner there.

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  3. Hey man, you want a superhero flop to review, how about that Shaq film Steel? Now that film is a PERFECT candidate for this site! Too bad it's only availible on VHS though.

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  4. I had been considering Steel for a long time, since I started the box office flops back in the summer, and that VHS thing was always a sticking point. The price has come down some on it, though, so I'll probably pull the trigger. Either way, thanks for the suggestion, and hopefully I can make it happen.

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