Samurai Cop (1989)

I felt I needed to make up for what I saw as the Robert Z'Dar debacle last week by featuring a film where his face was out in center. I realize at this point that perhaps I am the only one with an issue with a film using Robert Z'Dar and hacking up his face. I want everyone to know that that will not keep me from reviewing the other two Maniac Cops at the DTVC, considering those are probably the films he is best known for... even if that's hard for me to admit.

Samurai Cop is about a gang called The Kitana that are trying to take over LA. The LAPD won't have that, so they call in a Samurai Cop, who is really just guy who looks like a reject from a Nelson video with a thick mane of hair and a penchant for sleeping with or discussing sexual relations with every woman he sees. The Kitana are ready for this Samurai Cop with a samurai of their own, the bulbous-headed Robert Z'Dar. Now it's war, and only one man will be left standing.



This could've been awesome. This could've been one of the greatest. There was one thing that held it back: a scene where scream queen Melissa Moore is tortured by having hot bacon grease poured on her torso. Why? I mean, you had this one nailed. The lines were ridiculous, Robert Z'Dar's face was in full effect, the hero's hair was at times replaced by a wig that made him look ridiculous-- and then you had to blow it with the bacon grease scene.

But that's okay, though. Again, that's my own personal issue, and other than that, the rest of this film is one of the most amazing things ever done in cinema. One of my favorite lines was from their police chief, who said "I feel like someone shoved a club up my ass... and it hurts!" Who says that? Why would you say that? And the hero was so amazing. The hair, the lines. Oh, and the Speedo, did I forget to mention that? Yep, he rocks a Speedo while wooing a broad on the beach. So maybe it's not a ten, but it's a nine in my book.



One cool addition to the DVD is the Robert Z'Dar interview. He actually seems kind of affable. His face has also swelled quite a bit since this film was made. You almost wouldn't recognize him. Joe Bob Briggs, in his intro to the film, referred to Z'Dar as "The Face", but because "he has only one expression throughout the film." Um... Joe Bob... I think he's known as "The Face" because of the size of it, not the expressions on it. This is the first of many Z'Dar films we'll be showing this year, so get ready.

And yes, I did mention a Joe Bob Briggs intro in the previous paragraph. He not only has an introduction to the movie, but he does commentary too, which I listened to a little bit. Man do we all miss him. I understand that TNT makes out much better with New Classics like Ransom and The Family Man, but what about the children, huh? What about us? We loved having Joe Bob there screening real New Classics like Virtual Assassin and Voodoo. Here's to you, Joe Bob Briggs, you are one of the good ones.



I'm sure you know MTV has a new show called The Jersey Shore, which is pretty much The Real World set at the Jersey Shore with a bunch of Guidos and Guidettes. It got me thinking, I wish I had an ethnic identity like that that I could relate too, that had horrible stereotypes that I could take ownership of. So I tried to think of what silly things the worst French Canadians do, and the only thing that came to mind was how they invaded the Maine beaches every summer, rocking their Speedos. No way I'm doing that. But our hero did. And why wouldn't he? And he's not even French Canadian.

So if you can handle a little of what Joe Bob affectionately referred to as "Bacon Grease-Foo", you'll love this movie. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's ridiculous, but I can safely say you won't feel like someone shoved a club up your ass afterward.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0130236/