Santa's Slay (2005)

We're starting off our DTVC celebration of Christmas in style with Santa's Slay. What's better than an enormous Jew that was a former champion pro wrestler playing a murderous Viking version of Santa? Really, the better question is, what's more DTVC?

Santa's Slay has Bill Goldberg as an evil Santa Claus who was only nice to kids because an angel tricked him into a losing a bet on a curling match. To pay his end of the wager, he's had to spend the last 1000 years giving presents to kids, instead of killing them. Now the 1000 years are up, so he's headed to Hell Township in the Northern US to wreak some havoc. He's got a score to settle, and he'll take pleasure in killing anyone in his way. Now it's up to one high school kid, his girlfriend, and his grandfather, played by Robert Culp, to stop him.



This is pretty sweet. The cover leads one to believe it's a horror film, but really it's more of an action film with horror elements. The beginning is great too. It's your classic bad Christmas comedy film with a family that doesn't get along, and they even have cameos from actors and actresses like Fran Drescher, Christ Kattan, and an uncredited James Caan. Then Goldberg comes down the chimney, and kills them all, letting us know we're watching a different kind of Christmas movie. Everything from that point on is a joke, and I liked a lot of them, especially Santa and the angel curling. Everything you think of in a Christmas movie is turned into violence-- which is just how we like it.

My friends and I used to love watching WCW wrestling when I was in college, especially Monday Night Nitro. It was hilarious, between the characters and the NWO and all that. That being said, I was never much of a Goldberg fan. I don't know, Hollywood Hulk Hogan just worked better for me. Maybe if I was taking it seriously Goldberg would've been my man, but seeing how good he was here as an evil Santa, I realize him being serious as a wrestler was the real missed opportunity, because he would've made a great Hollywood Hulk Hogan type. I haven't seen Half Past Dead 2 yet, but I have a feeling he isn't as good in that as he is in this.



Robert Culp is great. We last saw him in the Olivier Gruner flick Mercenary, and he was great there too. His work has slowed somewhat over the past few years, with the bulk of his work after Santa's Slay being the less arduous voice work for video games, but that can be expected considering he'll be 80 next summer. Still, no matter what role he does, no matter how poor or how silly the film, he always brings his A game.

I'm not a big fan of Christmas, just so you know, and I didn't even want to do a week of Christmas films until the end of last week, when I just decided to go for it. I don't know, it's just the way this country is held hostage for one month every year, between the atrocious music, the crowds at stores, and the stupid Christmas specials on TV. Am I coming off too cantankerous? Perhaps, but I'm not sorry for it. Anyway, this movie let me watch as all the things I hate about Christmas are beaten into a bloody pulp by Bill Goldberg, and now I feel a lot better.



It's time for me to make a big confession: I have a thing for Fran Drescher. I know, the voice is an issue for some people, but I don't think she talks like that in real life, and if she does, it's still not an issue for me. I just thought she was so hot on The Nanny, even if the show itself did nothing for me and I've never watched a full episode of it. I was very disappointed when Goldberg killed her at the beginning of Santa's Slay. Also I thought I'd mention that the hero's girlfriend, played by Emilie de Ravin. People might know her from Lost, but she was also on the amazing syndicated show BeastMaster. Any chance I can get to bring up BeastMaster on this blog is goo. Oh, and don't get me started on why I think BeastMaster was a better show than Lost.

I better wrap this up before I get on a huge tangent. If you're looking for some off-beat Christmas viewing, this is a great place to start. It's not too long, very few dead moments, and a lot of fun to boot. A great way to kick off our holiday celebration.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0393685/