The Direct to Video Connoisseur

I'm a huge fan of action, horror, sci-fi, and comedy, especially of the Direct to Video variety. In this blog I review some of my favorites and not so favorites, and encourage people to comment and add to the discussion. If you click on an image, it will take you to that post's image page, which includes many more pics from the film and other goodies I couldn't fit in the actual review. For announcements and updates, don't forget to Follow us on Twitter and Like our Facebook page. If you're the director, producer, distributor, etc. of a low-budget feature length film and you'd like to send me a copy to review, you can contact me at dtvconnoisseur[at]yahoo.com. I'd love to check out what you got.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

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When I was visiting my friends in Mass a couple weeks ago, the wife had rented this on Netflix, in part because they were shown the film in Austria by their friend's roommate, and in part because it had a dude from the new Doctor Who (more like Cock-tor Who-- get it?!?!). There was some question as to whether we'd actually get the film in, though, especially when we missed one of our opportunities to watch Bitch Slap instead. Luckily, the last night of my visit, we made it happen, and now I'm reviewing it for you. We'll get to that famous line later, trust me.

Shark Attack 3 has John Barrowman as some boat dude working at a resort in Mexico. His cushy job goes south quick, though, when a big ol' effin' shark makes its way on the scene and starts eating people. A paleontologist is attracted by it's enormous size, but even she is shocked by just how big it is. Unable to convince anyone to close the beaches, Barrowman, the chick, and some older Navy dude, take matters into their own hands. Oh yeah, and Barrowman has one amazing line.

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I mean, I don't know that camp gets any better. Whether it's the 1950s, and sharks are poorly superimposed, or it's 2002, and the sharks are either made of foam or poorly Photoshopped, it all works for me. This was everything Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus was supposed to be and wasn't. I don't know how much of this was serious, and how much was a joke and on purpose; but I don't care. It was freakin' hilarious. Oh, and then there's that great line.

Yes, the dialogue was horrible, the acting was horrible, the special affects were horrible, but somewhere along the line, all that horrible adds up to a whole lot of fun. Now, if I had watched this on my own, as opposed to with like minded friends that I could mock it with, I might be less forgiving; but a movie like this wasn't meant for single viewing, it's best enjoyed in a group. It's also not meant to be watched passively. Get in there with your A material and let her have it. At the very least, you and your friends can wait for Mr. Barrowman's famous line.

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One thing I dug were the pictures of former Mexican president Vicente Fox at various points of the film. Yes, they also had a couple Bush and Cheney ones, but you can see those anywhere. Vicente Fox is a different story. What's funny is, I'm not sure I could pick out Steven Harper or Paul Martin if I were shown some pictures of them, nor could I pick out pictures of the new Mexican president, whoever that is, but Vicente Fox? Yep, I know him. I guess I've let my knowledge of world leaders slip over the past few years. I am better at picking out That Guy style character actors though-- Bashar Rahal is in this.

One of the best bad effects in this came when Barrowman used his digital camera to take a picture of the shark's tooth he found. As opposed to taking the picture, like most digital cameras do, this thing scanned the image of the tooth and loaded it onto his computer with a white background. I'd say that was ridiculous, except that's the kind of thing CSI does with photos on the computer all the time. Oh, and even more so, that would be ridiculous except for Barrowman's famous line.

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That's right, if you don't already know, Barrowman says to his leading lady, almost out nowhere "what do you say you let me take you home and eat your pussy", and the love scene ensues. I wanted to embed the video of it at the bottom of the post so you could see it for yourself, but it was disabled, so instead I set up a link to it on YouTube. I guess Barrowman was told by the director to say anything he could think of to get a rise out of his co-star, and that's what we got. As Billy Ocean would say, it's "simply... awesome."

If you and your buddies are planning a bad movie night, you can't go wrong picking Shark Attack 3 for it. It's more than just that great Barrowman line too, but that line doesn't hurt either. Unlike a funny movie like Batman or Black Dynamite, this is the kind of funny that is serious enough that you and your friends can have a truly interactive experience and make fun of it, which is what makes for a perfect bad movie night.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0313597/

16 comments:

  1. I have to say, when I was first shown that line, it was pure gold, but the rest of the movie just looked dull. I was pleasantly surprised at just how watchably bad the rest of the movie was. I expected it to be a great piece of meat sandwiched between two large, boring, tasteless pieces of bread, but the whole sandwich was actually quite palatable.

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  2. When my girlfriend gets out of basic training, that Barrowman line will be the first thing I show her. That is just fantastic!

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  3. I don't know, with me, after seeing that line, I had high hopes for the rest of it. A little too high.

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  4. Jill, the only thing I can think is, you were playing Farmville while we were watching this, because Ian hit the nail on the head. The question is, was it a Selleck Water Fall Sandwich?

    You know, I can think of anything better to show your girlfriend when she gets out of Basic, Heolstor, and I know Mr. barrowman would be proud.

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  5. Barrowman's the lead in Torchwood, not Doctor Who though, right? He's like an amped up bisexual in that series, and has some pretty jazzy dialogue there too. Good stuff.

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  6. According to imdb, he reprised his Torchwood role on Doctor Who, but it was on Doctor Who that Jill first saw him, as far as I know, which was a big part of why we were watching the movie. I've never seen either show, so I wouldn't be able to say, but he was great here, and I hope he does more stuff like this. Jazzy dialogue seems to be his forte.

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  7. Yeah, you're right. Looks like it was a spin off from Doctor Who. My bad. I've seen several eps of Torchwood, and it's pretty good. I hear they are trying to remake the series for the US, and have Barrowman play the character on the remake too, which seems odd to me given it's UK origins. But hey, if he's working and being jazzy, more power to him.

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  8. Man, that's always a hit or miss proposal, taking something from the UK and remaking it over here. you could either have The Office or Coupling.

    By the way, I didn't get that PO Box thing taken care of today. Hopefully Wednesday. I gotta get on the ball.

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  9. Good points, Coupling was a mess. They were even flirting with the idea of doing a US version of Spaced too, which I hear fell through. Thank god for small miracles. No worries on the PO Box, you're only hurting yourself via deprivation of fresh Dolph, ha ha.

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  10. LOVe this movie! One of my faovirte shark films! You should also review some Sci-fi channel original films(I absolutely refuse to spell it Syfy, as that just looks REALLY stupid) some of they're films that I highly reccomend arePterodactyl, Raptor Island, Hammerhead:Shark Frenzy, Kraken:Tentacles Of The Deep, Attack Of The Sabretooth, Razortooth, Bugs, Caved In:Prehistoric Terror, Sabretooth, Frankenfish, Snakehead Terror, Black Swarm, Decoys, Ice Spiders, Boa Vs. Python, Lake Placid 2, Mosquitoman, Wyvern, Vipers, Skeleton Man, Savage Planet, Sea Beast, Swamp Devil, Alien Lockdown, Alien Siege, Croc, Alien Express(if it ever gets released on DVD), Black Swarm, The Hive, Chupacabra:Dark Seas, Carny, Malibua Shark Attack and Flu Bird Horror, also Dinoshark is supposed to air on Sci-fi next month and that looks pretty cool as well.

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  11. Before I respond to your comment, I should draw your attention to my Alphabetical Archive, which you can also find the link to on the left under the title "Browse Titles Alphabetically". I've just noticed you've been recommending some movies that I've already reviewed, and figured this might help.

    As far as SyFy Pictures Originals goes, my rule is this: I won't review it if imdb lists it with a (TV) after the title, unless it has a DTVC Hall of Famer in it. Boa vs. Python, for instance, isn't technically a Sci-Fi Pictures Original, but actually a DTV film that they picked up, cut the swears out of, and aired. As an aside, BVP was the first film I ever reviewed here at the DTVC.

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  12. Sorry about that, you've reviewed so many films that even with the archives it's easy for me to forget which ones you already reviewed. Anyways there are a few sci-fi films that qualify,Lamas was in Deep Evil, Raptor Island, Alien 3000, Blood Angels, and Dark Waters, Miles O Keefe was also in a horror film called Clawed-The Legend Of Sasquatch that i'm sure has aired on Sci-fi at one point or another. Weller was in Prey (and that Poseidon Adventure Mini-series, though i'm guessing you won't review that)Hauer was in Minotaur, Corman produced Dinocroc, Supergator, Scorpius Gigantus, Saurian, Cyclops and Dinoshark(which he also acts in)Williamson was in Vegas Vampires along with several other blaxpolitation actors(in case you decide to do vampire films)Daniels was in Reptilicant and Kiss Of The Vampire, and Busey was in a terrible slasher film called A Crack In The Floor(and I would storngly advise you to make that the LAST Busey film you review, especially since he's barely even in it) Also I think you shouls consider adding Michael Madsen to the Hall Of Fame, he's one guy I love to watch in pretty much any film no matter how dreadful.

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  13. I think you're confusing Sci-Fi Pictures Originals with just any old movie Sci-Fi decides to air. When I first started out, I actually used to DVR a lot of stuff on Sci-Fi, like some of the ones you mentioned, so I'd have movies to review. That was before Netflix, of course. The best bet to know if it's a Sci-Fi Pictures Original, if they don't make it explicit on the airing, is to check it out on imdb. Just because a film was aired on Sci-Fi doesn't make it a TV movie, and the majority of the ones you listed below are just DTV films Sci-Fi decided to air. That would be like calling National Treasure a USA Pictures Original, just because they air it.

    As far as the archive goes, I put that up exactly because I have so many films reviewed, and plan to review so many more, I wanted a quick way for people to check if I've reviewed something already. I even set it up so you can click on the first letter of the title you want. I'm not going to go through and tell you which of the films you just mentioned I already reviewed, because there's a bunch, but if you want to check them out, by all means, the archive is there.

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  14. Yeah I knew that, I just felt like mentioning those other titles cause i'd like to see some of those reviewed.

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  15. This one was a staple for some friends and I years back. If I remember correctly, SciFi channel changes the line to, "What do you say I take you home, watch some Lucy?" which personally I think is hilarious, granted you already know what he really said.

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  16. That is a-mazing, thanks for letting me in on that, A., I'll have to tell my buddies.

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