Mach 2 (2001)

It's been a while since I've reviewed a Brian Bosworth film up here. It's not like he's done all that much either, and after Stone Cold, there hasn't been much to write home about. But Stone Cold was so awesome, I always hold out hope that maybe something will approach that, so I keep going back to his films. Then I get twenty minutes in and wonder "what the hell have I gotten myself into?"

Mach 2 has The Boz as an Air Force special forces dude sent on a plane with a Presidential candidate to the Balkans to negotiate the peaceful return of some captured US servicemen there. Anyway, Michael Dorn and some other CIA men are on board, and they hijack the plane, grab some evidence of a conspiracy the Presidential candidate has on the sitting President, and parachute off, leaving the plane on a collision course to Paris. Can The Boz land this plane safely?



Who cares. I certainly didn't. The first fifteen minutes were some of the best shit I've seen Bosworth do. He jumped on the back of a train and took it over from some hijackers, kicking ass and delivering great witty lines as he did it. For some reason then, the people making the film decided "that was great, now let's forget every cool thing we did in the first fifteen, and make the most boring pile of suck we can imagine." I mean, it takes real talent to bore people this much. It hit all the classic plane hijacking spots: opened hatch and people almost sucked out; people struggling over firearms; injured parties needing makeshift medical assistance by people with no formal training; and of course, the classic "I'm going to need you to tell me how to fly this thing!"

I don't really know why I didn't snuff this one out earlier. Brian Bosworth on a plane should've sent off warning signs. But I've seen plenty of titles before that had nothing to do with the film, and I just figured this was the same deal. I mean, how awesome would it have been if this was called Mach 2, but never once had a scene in a plane? That train stuff with Bosworth was amazing, they had to know on a plane they couldn't keep that up. What they should've done was only had the plane crap in it for a short period of time, then have a bunch of it with Bosworth fighting armed thugs in Yugoslavia or something. It would've been a lot cooler.



God I love Michael Dorn. It sucks that he does so few decent films, because he's the man. This is the third film of his we've covered, the other two being Amanda and the Alien and Shadow Hours, and both films were much better for having Mr. Dorn in them. I went through his bio on imdb, and there's just not a lot that looks good, which is really too bad. I saw he played the President on Heroes, which if that's the case, it might be the coolest President ever, even better than Jerry Springer in The Defender. Also of note, Robert Pine is in this as the airline pilot, meaning he and Dorn are reunited from their old ChiPs days.

I had forgotten there was such a thing as the Concorde. I looked it up on Wikipedia, and found that its last flight was in 2003, and its one fatal accident happened in 2000. At first I want to say "man, it seemed like that happened a lot longer ago", but then I realized it was seven years and ten years respectively. Time flies, huh?... ha ha ha, get it? Sorry, Mach 2 is ruining me...



I should probably find something to do with this seventh paragraph. I mean, it would be a shame to waste it. In Maine we have a popular soft drink called Moxie. I'm pretty sure it's sold all over the place, but it's inventor is from Maine, and Maine has adopted it as their official soft drink. It's an acquired taste, and I've only recently grown to appreciate it, which is kind of surprising considering how I don't often go in for sweets. I drink my coffee black and bitter, for instance, which causes a lot of my friends to cringe. Moxie, which is bitter where other soft drinks are sweet, should've been right up my alley, but for some reason I've always resisted it. Anyway, if you haven't tried it before, keep an eye out for it, it's quite an experience.

Don't let the name, The Boz, or the Dorn fool you, this movie sucks a fat one. I can't believe I wasted my time with it, so don't you go and waste yours. Try some Moxie instead-- it's less of a time commitment, and if it's gross, you can just tell yourself you partook in an exotic New England beverage, making you more cosmopolitan.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0222020/