Wild Things 2 (2004)

For the second of our 2000s DTV sequels of 90s thrillers, we have this sequel to Wild Things, the late 90s flick featuring Neve Campbell, Denise Richards, Matt Dillon, and a full-frontal Kevin Bacon. Unfortunately, because this didn't have Kevin Bacon, we know going in we're at least not going to get that full-frontal action, so at best this will be a three star film. In addition to us, Mitch at the Video Vacuum and Tars Tarkas have covered this as well.

Wild Things 2 has Susan Ward as a star beach volleyball player for her local high school, and the step-daughter of a rich guy, meaning she stands to inherit a lot of money now that her mom is no longer with us. The fly in the ointment is Leila Arcieri, who doesn't like Ward, and when Ward's step-father bites it in a plane accident, she comes forward and says she's his illegitimate daughter, meaning she should get the inheritance. Turns out, after a DNA test, she is the daughter? That's when insurance investigator Isaiah Washington gets involved, and he has a hunch something's fishy about the whole thing. But can he resist the allure of the money and these two beautiful... high school kids?

While this isn't a Gus Van Sant shot-by-shot remake of Psycho-style remake, it is pretty much a remake of the first movie. What do you do with that then? I means we know what's going to happen at every stage, every twist, especially at the end when you need your eye protection as the loose ends start flying together and the twists come fast and furious (Vin Diesel style). It's too bad, because I think as a guilty pleasure DTV thriller, this could've worked if they'd decided to try some new stuff with the story. The Ward-Arcieri interplay loses its intrigue when it devolves into the same relationship Campbell and Richards hard; and Isaiah Washington's character becomes too one-note when he starts to turn from insurance investigator who smells a rat, to guy who just wants the money. And in that sense, the same way that people were like "why would you make a shot-by-shot remake of Psycho, Mr. Van Sant?" we can't help watching this and thinking "why couldn't you have zagged just a bit from the first film?" With so many Noir-ish thrillers to pull from, like Double Indemnity, that would've been perfect for this, it's a shame they didn't go there. Just the same, as a free streamer and a 90-minute time killer, this does fit the guilty pleasure bill.

This is our first time seeing Susan Ward on here, which was surprising, until I saw that she'd retired from acting in 2012, which, between then and now, would've been prime DTV movie making for her. I first remember her as the innocent girl from Kansas, complete with the Rachel haircut, on Sunset Beach, and while I think she would've been looking for more from that, sometimes Soap Opera to DTV/TV movie isn't a bad deal. It's interesting, because in our last review we were talking about the ecosystem that Wild Things helped create, and Cruel Intentions helped make a staple of the late 90s, and Ward was in The In Crowd, playing a role Sarah Michelle Gellar turned down, and unfortunately it was at that moment where that kind of thing had hit its saturation point--which seems crazy considering it was only a year after Cruel Intentions, but no one saturates the market like Hollywood does. And sometimes it's that simple, the role Sarah Michelle Gellar turns down ends up being a dud, and four years later you're doing Wild Things 2, and eight years later it's not getting better, you have a choice to make. Robin Dunne chose to lean into it, and Susan Ward chose to retire. As far as this film, she wasn't bad here, and I think would've good been in a Robin Dunne-esque career, but I also don't blame her for calling it a day too.

Unlike Ward, who hadn't been on the site before, this is the fourth time for Leila Arcieri, even though I didn't remember the other three times. The first one was the PM flick Hot Boyz, which, with all the names in that, I could be forgiven for missing her there; and the other two were Death Toll and Supreme Champion, and considering those were both so unremarkable, I could be forgiven for forgetting she was in either of those too. But like Ward, she's also retired from acting, in her case two years earlier in 2010, and I can't blame her either based on the kinds of roles she was getting. According to IMDb, she won an award at the Brooklyn Film Festival for Buffalo Bushido in 2009, and as far as I can tell, that film wasn't released, at least not widely enough. Couple that with having to take a film like Supreme Champion right after that, and that's probably enough for an agonizing reappraisal of the situation. And I don't know that a movie like this helps either. She did have a body double for the topless scenes, but even without that, overall her character is written as this one-note, "ethnic" antagonist to Ward, and as much as she tried to punch it up in her performance, there was probably also a sense of "this is what Hollywood thinks of me?" And it's too bad, because even a slightly more imaginative script could've given her more to work with, and I think she would've rewarded that imagination in her performance.

We always joke about how old the high schoolers are in movies like this, and this film is no different, with Ward 28 and Arcieri 31 when the film came out. I get why they do that--if they have a love scene with 41-year-old Isaiah Washington, you can't have an actual high school-aged actress in that role. But the thing is, even if the actors are that much older, they're still playing high school students, and which makes the whole thing kind of weird. At least in Cruel Intentions, other than the assistant principal or whatever who was hooking up with Amy Adams's character--and that was fully depicted as a bad thing--at least the characters who were adults playing high school kids were only hooking up with each other, as opposed to here. And I think the only reason why they set this in high school was because the first one was, which to me isn't enough of a reason to do it again--in fact, it would've been a better zag on the first one, right? Make them college students instead of high school students, and then add in some of those other elements I discussed, and we could've had something more than just a 90-minute DTV guilty pleasure time killer.

Finally, as I mentioned above, we had some beach volleyball in this. It was the most haphazard, cobbled-together, after-thought beach volleyball, where the kids in the high school just run across the street to the beach and play the game, with no coach or anything--it was almost surreal in its goofiness. I think this is the fourth time we've had beach volleyball here on the site. The first was the C. Thomas Howell classic Side Out, which if you haven't seen, it's a must; the second was Beach Kings aka Green Flash, where David Charvet plays a college basketball star who decides to try his hand at beach volleyball, a film that also had The Hills's Kristin Cavallari, which dovetails nicely with the third film, Into the Blue 2: The Reef, which had some beach volleyball in it, and featured another The Hills star, Audrina Patridge. While I do enjoy watching volleyball and I have fun playing it at a cookout, it's not like I'm a fan to the point that I can name famous players or anything, so I'm not sure why beach volleyball keeps coming up on the site. Do I need to start tagging it?

We'll leave that question for another time and wrap this baby up. Currently you can get this on Tubi, but between when I saw this and wrote the review, it was already taken down once, so who knows how long it'll stay. It's too much of an unimaginative remake of the first one to be really great, but it could get you to the church on time if you need to kill some time for 90 minutes.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0365270/

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Cruel Intentions 2 (2000)

For the first of our DTV sequels to 90s thriller films, we're looking at this Cruel Intentions sequel from 2000. I don't know that any of them typify this paradigm more, from the movie it's a sequel of, to the fact that it has Robin Dunne; but the interesting quirk here is the addition of a pre-star Amy Adams. Let's see how it did.

Cruel Intentions 2 is something of a prequel to the original, with Robin Dunne as Sebastian Valmont moving in with his father, his father's new wife Mimi Rogers, and her daughter Amy Adams, as Kathryn Merteuil. As he tries to adjust to his new life in New York, he falls for the headmaster's daughter Danielle (Sarah Thompson). At the same time, we learn that Kathryn is the head of a secret organization of most elite among the elite students, and her task is to get newly arrived freshman Cherie (NH's own Keri Lynn Pratt) laid. As all this is happening, a rivalry is brewing between the new step-siblings. Adams is trying to maintain her hegemony, but Dunne is ready to mix it up with her and carve out his turf while pursuing love interest Danielle. Which of the two will prevail?

This was originally intended to be a TV series on Fox based on the first movie, but word on the street is Rupert Murdoch got wind of it--and saw the scene where Pratt, a 22-year-old at the time playing a 14-year-old, giving herself an orgasm by grinding on top of a horse's saddle in Central Park--and pulled the plug. At that point three episodes had been filmed, so they decided to cobble those together and add some new, racier footage--including nudity--and market it as a DTV sequel. If there's anything wrong with the film, it's that, that it feels cobbled together and reworked--like if it's a prequel, why does it look like it took place after the first film? Once you get passed that though, this is everything you'd want from a movie like this, from the trashy fun, like when Dunne and Adams are hooking up and Adams says "The Bradys never had it so good;" to the Robin Dunne factor; to the plot with all its twists and turns; to the mix of names we barely know to names like Mimi Rogers, who would've anchored a show like this; and names we know now like Amy Adams who would've just been getting her start. I don't know if I'd watch this and the first one together, but if you were doing a night of these DTV sequels, this would be a fun addition.

The Robin Dunne element maybe works most in the film's favor, and can't be understated. We're going to see him again this month when we look at Skulls II, and originally we were going to do American Psycho 2 in that spot, which also has Dunne. The first thing I saw him in was The Big Hit, where he plays a bungling white rapper sort who's trying to break into the assassin industry, and meets a bad end at the hands of Lou Diamond Phillips for his troubles. We've also seen him on the site before, when he was in the Roddy Piper flick Jungleground, which makes sense considering Dunne is also Canadian. And it's that mix of good looks, off-beat charisma, and Canadian-ness that makes him perfect for these movies, and now as the market has transitioned and he's gotten older, perfect for the Hallmark Christmas movies he's been doing--I count eight Christmas movies and one New Year's movie on his IMDb bio. It's quite a career when you think about it, and other than maybe Brandon Routh, there isn't anyone I'd rather have leading my Christmas movie now, or my 2000s DTV sequel then.

One year removed from her film debut in Drop Dead Gorgeous, Adams probably thought she'd made it when she was cast on this network TV show, only to see it dumped by Fox and cobbled together into a DTV sequel with nudity added in. What would the big break be then? Catch Me If You Can? Talladega Nights? I think the one that puts her on the level she's on now was The Fighter, which then leads to blockbusters like Man of Steel. What's fun about our site though is we can go back to films like this and see roles from when big stars were just starting out. Even with her character being cobbled together and edited the way it was, you can still see the star that was there, but it's interesting to think about what would've happened had the show been allowed to continue. She and Dunne could've created something really interesting, and maybe Dunne would've gone on to have more of a Joshua Jackson-esque career than the one he has now; but would Adams have been able to carve out the superstar career she has? Or would she have been known for more TV stuff? Was the show being canceled before it even started the best thing that could've happened to her, while it hurt the careers of almost everyone else involved? Maybe. She does have a couple more DTV films, so we may see her again on here, but if we don't, this film is an interesting one in her filmography.

I tried to bring myself back to the early 2000s as I was watching this. I haven't seen the original since it came out, but at that time we had this new Brat Pack forming from a group of twentysomethings who were slightly older than me or my age, all born from the mid-to-late-70s and playing high school students. I think the movement started with WB--now the CW--shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dawson's Creek, and Felicity. Then we had movies like Scream and Wild Things that featured more of an older set of young stars, like Neve Campbell and Denise Richards, but were emulated with this younger set in films like I Know What You Did Last Summer and Cruel Intentions. It's interesting, because I think the ones that emerged out of that group to become the biggest stars were the ones that were younger, like Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling; or the ones that were more adjacent, like Amy Adams. Reese Witherspoon probably had the most success into the 2010s, followed by Paul Walker with the Fast and Furious movies, but that's about it for that top level of stardom. Either way, for a time between the late 90s and early 2000s, they ruled, and they were our Brat Pack. And now they've all fallen into comfortable roles on not-so-prestige TV shows and Christmas movies. Maybe 20 years later, that's actually not a bad deal.

Finally, the soundtrack has some Smithereens songs, which brings me back to the early 90s, but it also had a couple songs by Thin Lizard Dawn. You'd be forgiven for not knowing who they are. I think their biggest hit was 1996's "Sucks," which at the time I think was called "Sucks Like Oasis," and was probably only a hit because it called out one of the biggest bands of the time. 1996 was also the year I saw Oasis in concert at the Worcester Centrum, now the DCU Center--I still have the T-shirt I bought there. My buddy had the album that had "Sucks" on it when I was in college, apologizing because he knew I was a big Oasis fan. Here's the thing though, I listened to the song for the first time in like 25 years, and realized it's not very good. "Weed," which was used in this film, is a bit better, but you can see why Oasis was an all-time band, and no one remembers Thin Lizard Dawn.

Kinda though, right? Because this movie is currently on Tubi, so you can stream this free and hear all the Thin Lizard Dawn you want while you get your fill of Robin Dunne, pre-stardom Amy Adams, and fun DTV sequel/prequel guilty pleasure. So while Oasis is planning a massive reunion concert, Thin Lizard Dawn lives on as well.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0196267

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Showdown at the Grand (2023)

The Babe Ruth of DTV action, Dolph Lundgren, celebrates his 67th birthday today, so we had to celebrate with this film, which came out in 2023 and has been sitting in my watch list all this time. With now 74 films on the site, he's the only one with more films than years on the planet--though Gary Daniels is close, with 60 films at 61 years old.

Showndown at the Grand features Terrence Howard as the owner of a small, struggling indie theater. In an attempt to boost revenue, he invites famed low-budget action star Claude Luc Hallyday (Dolph) to visit. While that sounds great, it may all be in vain, as a real estate conglomerate wants to buy the theater and tear it down for a massive apartment development. But Howard won't go down that easily, and with his friend and local pawn shop dealer John Savage, and new intern Piper Curda, fresh from earning her PhD in film, they keep things together long enough for Dolph to arrive--which is the exact moment that the real estate developers unleash their army of masked goons on the theater. Will Howard and company be able to fend them off?

This was definitely a fun time. It's a bit over the top (Stallone style), but that's by design, so you're either okay with it or you're not, and while I think there were moments where I wasn't, once we got to the end I just went with it, which I think was the right approach. The Dolph that you wanted was there, both in the footage of the fake films he did--which all look fantastic and would be great if they were ever made--to the shy, reclusive former star that he is, uncomfortable being in front of a crowd again after all these years, and then when he finally gets in front of the audience, extolling the virtues of Estonian saunas. Howard was also great as the lead, he plays the theater owner in a very believable way to start, so when he has to turn into a de facto action hero, I wouldn't say we believe it too, but at least we're willing to go there with him. The one area I thought this was lacking was in developing Piper Curda's character. It feels like they liked the idea of her, but didn't do anything with her, which was a waste. Overall though I appreciated what they were going for, and enjoyed myself.

At 67, Dolph plays a 67-year-old character here, which I thought was great. He leaned into his age, but also showed off his fitness level to be his younger self in the fake movie clips. He also leaned into his low-budget/DTV career, and that was something as a longtime fan really I connected with. It was almost like he was giving us this role as a gift to us. We always talk about his larger-than-life presence, which we see in the clips of the fake movies, but to then pull that back when the character is unsure about talking in front of a large group after all this time, only to find some of that old magic when the theater is under attack, was all great stuff showing his range as an actor. He makes this movie for me, and while it's not an all-time favorite of his--if you look on my Letterboxd list for Dolph, it just cracks the top 40--for a new Dolph film, it's a nice addition to his filmography.

This is our first time seeing Terrence Howard on the site, which I was surprised about, because I thought I reviewed The System, a film Ty and I did on episode 147 of the podcast, all the way back in February, but I guess I never got around to it. As I said above, the best part of his performance is how well he nails the struggling indie theater owner. The personality he gives that character feels so spot on. But then he's got to sell it when the thing goes over the top (Stallone style), which to be honest I think is easier to do that than it is to authentically nail the quirks of the indie theater owner earlier on. It looks like DTV is where he's living right now, so we'll definitely see him again, but the level of this performance also shows DTV is not where he should stay. There's gotta be a prestige TV show on a streaming network that could use him, where his talents could be better utilized.

As "The DTV Connoisseur," movie theaters don't come up as often in conversation, but seeing an old movie at a small indie theater is always a fun experience. Here in Philly there's the Ritz, which is now owned by Landmark Cinemas, but it has enough of that feel, and a few weeks ago I got to see Blade there. The problem is, the consolidation of the studio side of the film industry has had a similar effect on theaters, with this smaller pool of more powerful studios wanting to work with the major chains that can give them more screens and better amenities. One way that the smaller theaters used to compete was by showing older films on special nights--like Blade--which gets people in the door so they come back for other films. What Disney has done to hurt that market is vaulting their films--of which they have a lot more now that they own 20th Century Fox's catalog too. For example, this year's the 35th anniversary of Say Anything, which was a 20th Century Fox film, and in the past Fox was good about giving the rights for indie theaters to show it. Now, Disney often won't let them, because they don't want a Say Anything keeping people away from a Deadpool and Wolverine. It's one of the many ways Disney is trying to kill the film industry--while still pulling in almost $3 billion from two films this year--which I think from Disney's standpoint may seem like the right play, but in the long run has the opposite effect, as fewer people overall go to the theater over time.

Finally, before we get into our second Dolph paragraph, I wanted to mention that guy above. That's Michael Oblowitz, father to the film's director, Orson Oblowitz. Why is that important? He's directed Steven Seagal in two DTV classics, The Foreigner and Out for a Kill. How do you not love that?

Anyway, this is probably it for Dolph for a while. I know I've said that before, but at this stage we only have Small Apartments and Fat Slags for DTV flicks; Sharknado 5, which he has a small appearance in near the end; and then Expendables 3 and Expend4bles as two theatrical films that are fair game because I've reviewed the first two. I don't know that any of them are real priorities though. It looks like he also has a BondIt Media film in post production that also has Michael Jai White, so that will be a priority whenever it comes out. In the meantime though, even taking a hiatus, I don't see anyone catching him for most tags all time. Gary Daniels is the closest, and he's still 14 behind. So as he celebrates his 67th birthday, and 74th film on the site, we celebrate him too, as the best to ever do it, especially in the DTV world. Grattis på födelsedagen, Herr Jundgren, du är störst.

And with that, let's wrap this up. Right now you can get this on Pluto TV here in the States. It's probably your best bet, though Pluto is much worse on commercials than Tubi is. As a Dolph fan, I think this is a must see--even though, as a Dolph fan, aren't they all must sees?

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt18115690

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

LETHAL Ladies: Return to Savage Beach (1998)

For our final DTVC Hall of Fame induction for 2024, we have the one, the only, Andy Sidaris, and what better film to review than his final film ever, and the end to his LETHAL Ladies films, one of the greatest DTV franchises ever. We covered this in a recent podcast episode, number 177 in the archives, with Chris the Brain from Bulletproof Action, and in addition to us, Mitch at the Video Vacuum has covered this as well.

LETHAL Ladies: Return to Savage Beach is the final LETHAL Ladies film, and in this installment, Rodrigo Obregon is back, and he wants some gold hidden on Savage Beach, the same one Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton seemingly blew him up on back in that film. To stop them, director Julie Strain has called in all her operatives in all their busty or muscular glory, but even that won't be enough, so the department has called in an old foe: Marcus "Buff" Bagwell, aka "Warrior," doing a heel-turn that would make Vin Diesel proud. Will they be able to stop Obregon and his baddies? Who knows, but what we do know is in the meantime, we'll be treated to all the dressing, undressing, and skinny dipping we can handle.

This is as fun as any of the films. Yes, we only get Dona Speir in a flashback sequence, and mainstays like Bruce Penhall or an Abilene who can't shoot straight are conspicuously absent; but the spirit of these movies is there in full effect. Like when Shae Marks and Julie K. Smith find where the gold is buried on Savage Beach, instead of digging, they decide to try some snorkeling--with tops on at first, just in case there are any coral reefs around that may scratch them, but then go topless once they find out they're safe from the danger of coral reef scratching--at least that's the best explanation I can think of for why they started with their tops on, then went topless. In the image above, Carrie Westcott is serving pizza along with ginger ale laced with Mickeys, because, as Chris pointed out on the pod, ginger ale is what you drink with pizza? It's moments like that that make the series, along with the explosions, nudity, love scenes, Rodrigo Obregon's baddies, and Ava's KSXY radio broadcasts--which this time are accompanied by Ninja Turtles co-creator Kevin Eastman as Harry the Cat, who at the time was married to Julie Strain. The one interesting element, which I don't know if I'd say is a full-on drawback, is because this is the only one that fully calls back the others, it needed to set up a lot of backstory, which felt a bit awkward. It was a small quibble on what was an overall great time though.

Like Dona Speir, Andy Sidaris doesn't have the filmography of some of the other DTVC Hall of Fame directors, but outside of the Bloodfist films, I don't there's a more prodigious, impactful, or iconic DTV franchise. Depending on how you count Malibu Express, this is either the 11th or 12th film--and at the very least, Malibu Express is part of the same movie universe, because Cody is mentioned in Hard Ticket to Hawaii as being Rowdy's brother. Either way, this is a series of over 10 films with no duds, you can turn on any of them and have a great time. We reduce them down to boobs, bombs, and bullets, but if it were just that, anyone could make these and have success. Sidaris adds something more, whether it's him directing, or his son while he's producing, there's a tongue-in-cheek vibe while everyone involved is playing it straight, that makes them even more fun. Also, the decision to put Speir as the lead instead of the Abilene who can't shoot straight was something that can't be understated. He had Bruce Penhall from CHiPs that he easily could've slotted into the next Abilene who can't shoot straight role, but he decided to give that part to Michael J. Shane and make it a smaller role, and give the series to Speir to lead. A true cinematic legend, here's to you Mr. Sidaris, you were one of the greatest.

We also had another Hall of Famer in this, Julie Strain, who, after Speir leaves the series with Fit to Kill, takes over as the lead female, first as a baddie, and now with these last two in the series, as the leader of the organization. One thing I discovered with this post, is she and Dona Speir move into a two-way tie for second-most tags by a woman on the site with 9, moving them past Kathleen Kinmont and Shannon Tweed, but still well-behind Cynthia Rothrock's 43. Could she ever get there? Based on her IMDb bio, probably not 43, but she has a lot that we could cover, which should keep her in the second place slot, or possibly jockeying back and forth with Shannon Tweed for that honor. She left us way too soon, but films like this are here to remind us of what a great legacy she leaves behind.

As we mentioned above, we have Buff Bagwell back, as his previous character, who was a baddie in the previous film. He lets Strain--and us--know that the agent he killed in that movie was a serial killer, so he did them a favor by taking him out. Even Vin Diesel thinks that's convenient, but you could see him watching this after Fast and Furious 7--or whatever it was called--thinking there's no way he could bring Jason Statham back as a good guy, then he listens to the dialog between Strain and Bagwell where Bagwell's like "yeah, so I'm a good guy now," and he must've thought, as he snacked on his Tombstone pizza and drank his Corona, "Jesus, that's all I need to do?" Unfortunately a few years after this, when the WWE buys WCW, Buff got the main event on Raw, and then Vince McMahon fired him soon after, causing his career to take a downturn. Why he couldn't get more DTV films though is beyond me, he was a lot of fun here. I do have a theory on why Bagwell was fired though: it wasn't because his mom called him in sick to an event or anything like that, I think McMahon saw how short he was next to Strain in this, and said "nope, that's it, he's gotta go," because McMahon has a thing for tall guys. His loss should've been our gain though, and maybe we can still get him in stuff, especially if he's wearing shirts like that.

Finally, we had two other potential Hall of Famers in this, with Rodrigo Obregon and Gerald Okamura. Obergon was a stalwart in these LETHAL Ladies films, he appears in almost all of them, and as fitting as it was that Sidaris in this final film chose to callback to Savage Beach, the film in the series where Speir took the helm, it was equally fitting that he made sure he brought Obregon back to be his baddie. Unfortunately like Strain and Sidaris, Obregon is no longer with us, but beyond these LETHAL Ladies films, he's done some others that belong on the DTVC, so he may still get there to the Hall of Fame. Okamura is now at 13 films on the site, with a lot of classics under his belt, and has a ton of stuff left that I still need to do, including some PM flicks, and some movies from the earliest days of DTV. He doesn't have as big of a part in this as Obregon, but one of his scenes involves him standing in front of a huge chair, and then helping Strain and Bagwell dispatch some kabuki ninjas. That's the Okamura we're looking for.

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can currently get this, and all the LETHAL Ladies films on Tubi. If you're looking for something fun to watch, these always do the trick--though Chris made a great point on the podcast episode that they're better watched at night. Speaking of which, you can find that episode in the archives, number 177. As we wrap, congratulations again to Mr. Sidaris, you were truly ones of the greatest.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0127759

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Click: The Calendar Girl Killer (1990)

Next up for our 2024 Hall of Fame inductions we have Dona Speir. She was best known for her Sidaris LETHAL Ladies films, but because we'd exhausted all the ones she starred in, we needed something else, and I found this gem on YouTube. In addition to us, Stacie Ponder at Final Girl has covered this as well.

Click: The Calendar Girl Killer has the great Ross Hagen (who also wrote and co-directed) as a famous photographer that may or may not also be a guy who dresses like a female nurse and kills people. Anyway, he has this crazy grinchy idea to do a violence-themed photo shoot, so he gets a bunch of models out to a ranch he has, and starts shooting them in skimpy outfits with various weapons in their hands. One of the models (Keely Sims) is there with her boyfriend (Gregory Scott Cummins), and he's not happy with her modeling career. He may have a case, because in the last 25 minutes or so, their model friends start getting bumped off. Can PI Hoke Howell help? Probably not, so it's up to Cummins and Sims to save themselves.

This is pretty fantastic, but it's not a 1990 fantastic, it's a 1990 in 2024 fantastic. If this was made today, and didn't kill anyone until an hour in, or if I was watching this in 1990 and saw that no one was killed until an hour in, I'd be like what the hell am I watching? But a 1990 movie in 2024, I know exactly what I'm watching, and I love it. Like when Gregory Scott Cummins on his dirt bike is chasing after Keely Smith and Ross Hagen on a winding highway, only to have another car come into his lane and hit him, causing him to go flying 20 feet in the air and land in a bunch of trees. Is he dead? Nope, "nothing's broken except my pride." It's like life can't get much better than that, can it? And there are more of those beautiful "what just happened?" moments that, combined with all the Members Only jackets, guys that probably hung out with your grandfather with popped collars hanging out with twentysomethings, and names you recognize, that make this such a great time. It's like a savings bond, it's only worth half as much in 1990 as it's worth now. 

Speir is only in this at the very beginning, though based on the fact that she's in the opening violence-themed photo shoot montage--holding a bow and arrow no less--my hunch is she was supposed to be in this more. Consider the number of writers, 6, and the number of directors, 2, this probably had all kinds of issues, and maybe at some point they lost Dona, whether it was due to other commitments, or she just didn't want to work with them anymore. Whatever the reason, this was a smaller role than we'd like for a Hall of Fame induction post, but she doesn't have much more work after this beyond the Sidaris films we've already covered. And those of course are the reason she's getting this HOF induction. One of the definitive DTV franchises, the LETHAL Ladies films, and Speir was in seven of them, acting as the lead for five starting with Savage Beach--and perhaps fitting that in her first scene in this film, she's accompanied by Michael J. Shane, who played Shane Abilene in the LETHAL Ladies films after it was decided to center the films on her instead of whichever Abilene who couldn't shoot straight that Sidaris cast. We've seen bigger budget franchises of 5 or more films led by a woman now with Milla Jovovich in the Resident Evil films or Kate Beckinsale with the Underworld films, but it's still rare for a woman to helm a franchise over that many films, and Speir did it more than ten years before them. She may not have the large CV of other Hall of Famers, but the legacy of the films she's had is much greater. Here's to you Ms. Speir, you're truly one of the greats.

Someone who's making a case for a future induction is one Mr. Ross Hagen, which is something I didn't see coming when I started this site, knowing him more for 60s films like Hellcats and Sidehackers--which I discovered is actually called Five the Hard Way? But he's had quite a DTV career, starting with 1986's Armed Response, and making almost 40 DTV flicks before he passed in 2011. In the late 80s/early 90s he existed well in this space as a guy born in the 30s, wearing Members Only jackets and later-season Happy Days Tom Boseley transition sunglasses, speaking with his raspy, 70s Love Boat guest star voice, giving you that sense that he could either be your grandfather's younger friend, or a coke dealer, or maybe both. There's something soothing about it, and it is kind of crazy to think that Robert Downey Jr. was two years older when he made Avengers: End Game than Hagen was when he made this, because Downey Jr. isn't really a fun mix of grandfather's younger friend and coke dealer. That explains why Downey has to slum it making another Avengers movie, while Hagen was killing it in classics like this.

Does a movie that has "killer" in the title need to have kills sooner? Does a movie that has "calendar girl" in the title need actual calendar girls? Or maybe Neil Sedaka? Speaking of which, how did we make it through the 90s without getting Neil Sedaka in one of these movies? Yes, if you look at his IMDb bio, the songs he wrote in the 60s and 70s are still making him money, so it wasn't like he needed a quick paycheck; and I can't imagine he ran in the same circles as guys like Ross Hagen and Troy Donahue that maybe could've gotten him in a film like this just for fun, but still, I needed Neil Sedaka in a Members Only jacket with a pastel Izod-Lacost polo under it, pointing a revolver at someone while holding it in both hands. Anyway, no calendar girls, and no killers until the end, should be a wrap for a film like this, but in a way it adds to the charm. Like do I care what the movie is called when Hagen packs off a group of models and crew into a van, the van drives off, and then blows up, seemingly out of nowhere? Call it "Ross Hagen may at some point eventually dress up as a female nurse and kill people" if you want, if you're going to load it up with the stuff they did here, I'll take it.

Finally, we have a Chinatown sighting. This actually isn't the first time we've seen LA's Chinatown in a movie, there was also Lethal Ninja, and Chinatown Connection. I was trying to think of how many other Chinatowns we've had. The best I could do is a search of my site, which means I would've had to mention it in the post. Of those, we also had New York Chinatown, but then I think that's it for American ones. Outside the US, we've had Melbourne's in Revenge of the Gweilo, Manila's in Bloodfist, and Tokyo's in the Seagal flick Into the Sun. This dovetails with a point I'm about to make about the Chinatown here in Philly, which is danger based on a recent development between the mayor and the NBA team, the 76ers. In my post on The Double, I talked about Washington DC and how it had a nice Chinatown. I hadn't been in 10 years at that point, but earlier this year I went there to see a Wizards game, because the arena is also in Chinatown. In 2001, that arena was new--It was called the MCI Center, remember that company?--and Chinatown was much more robust. Now, in 2024, it's a shell of what it was then, the arena and all the accompanying development that comes with it had diminished it considerably, now instead of the Mongolian restaurant, we had a Yard House and Caesar's Sportsbook. In Philly they want to do the same thing, only the arena the Sixers and the mayor want to build will not only do the same thing to our Chinatown, it will also jam up the main east-west thoroughfare on game nights, making the city a total mess. It puts me in a quandary, because, like others, other than the one ticket I'd already bought for a game, I'm done with them until they change course on this; but on the other, tickets are really cheap right now. Opening night is under $60, which I haven't seen that low since the mid-2010s when they were horrible. It's tempting, but I gotta be strong. Save Philly's Chinatown, no Sixers arena downtown!

And with that, let's wrap this up. I found this on YouTube. That version wasn't bad, so hopefully it'll stay there for a while, because this is a lot of fun and worth checking out. And then congratulations to Dona Speir on your induction into the Hall of Fame! It's well deserved, and people can celebrate by watching any of your LETHAL Ladies films on Tubi.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099278

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Alien Love (2024)

Nathan Hill is back! We had a great time with Lady Terror and Revenge of the Gweilo, so I was excited when he reached out to see if we'd cover his newest film. In addition to us, YouTube channel Jay Harangue has covered this as well.

Alien Love has Hill as Ryan Van Hill-Song, an astronaut in a world where astronauts are rock stars. When he finally gets his big chance to go into space with NASA, something goes wrong--he goes radio silent for 60 seconds! Luckily a NASA special agent has informed his wife Sadie (Ira Chakraborty) that there's nothing to worry about, even if he ventured all the way out to Australia to tell her. When Hill gets home, everything seems fine at first, but then she discovers her husband's not himself. He's jogging a lot, and sometimes has a larger-than-normal erection. Unfortunately she doesn't catch all these red flags before he impregnates her with his alien seed. As her world unravels, she's fortunate that she kept the NASA special agent's card--though he's already onto everything and has sent some folks out to take care of it.

This was a lot of fun. There were definite laugh-out-loud moments, like when Hill and Chakraborty are sitting at a cafe, he in a NASA T-shirt and Kennedy Space Station hat, and a young woman rushes up to their table and asks if he's an astronaut, then asks for his autograph. Hill's character's transformation is a lot of fun, from his ambling around the neighborhood with what could loosely be termed "jogging," to when he goes to a bar and orders champagne and hooks up with Demz Lato--who I swear I've seen in other Hill films before, but she's not listed on any I've seen. I also really liked Ira Chakraborty as the wife who thinks she's got it made with her astronaut husband, but then slowly sees that her life is falling apart. Unlike Hill, who could ham it up a bit as he was becoming more alien, Chakraborty always had to play it straight, which I can't imagine was always easy, but she pulled it off. 75 minutes, free to stream on Tubi, and a fun time, what more could you want?

Even though Hill didn't direct this, he co-wrote and produced it, so it still has the feel of one of his films. Unlike Lady Terror, where I missed initially that I should be laughing with the film, this one I could feel it right away; but I can also still see how people could miss it, especially us Americans who sometimes need to be hit over the head with the humor. The thing I loved about Alien Love was how his approach to making these movies can mitigate the budgetary limitations. If you don't have the budget for an expensive outer space set, if your hero astronaut is playing it straight but we know it's for laughs, the lower-budget set enhances that sense. If your stars are newer to acting--and based on the fact that very few have photos on their IMDb page, that's probably the case here--playing silly-ish dialog straight is a great way for them to be serious while we're having fun with the content of what they're saying and not that they're inexperienced as actors. I'm really glad Nate reached out to me to cover his films, because they're a lot of fun, and I can't wait to see what's next!

As you're reading this, you might be thinking "isn't that the plot to The Astronaut's Wife?" I'd actually forgotten that movie existed, but yeah, it definitely is, the same way Lady Terror was like the Haim/Feldman flick Blown Away, and Revenge of the Gweilo took elements from Drive. That's part of how Hill works, he pays homage to other films, and then puts his unique twist on them. What was crazier to me was that this year marks 25 years since The Astronaut's Wife came out, which explains why before watching this I'd forgotten about it. That was a time when R-rated movies were more common. If a studio were to remake The Astronaut's Wife today, it would have to be PG-13, though maybe now with the success off Deadpool and Wolverine, maybe R-rated movies in wide theatrical release will come back. If not, at the very least Nate can bring them back to us in his own special way.

This movie has a lot of flying saucer imagery, which made me wonder when flying saucers were first invented. According to Wikipedia, it was a sighting reported by a pilot in 1947, which then led to myriad other reported sightings. From there, 1950s sci-fi movies and TV shows made heavy use of it, so much so that now if we see a flying saucer in a movie, TV show, or even commercial, we know right away that that means aliens, the same way the opening wah-wah to "Let's Get It On" tells us something we're going to see is alluding to sex. The propagation of sightings makes sense too. It's like how one Karen's Facebook post about two people of color in the Hobby Lobby parking lot being potential traffickers will lead to thousands of Karens across the US thinking traffickers are targeting them in Hobby Lobby parking lots too. It's a fascinating thing about us humans, how one person sees something and then a bunch of us think we see it too, and popular media can exacerbate it, turning things into phenomena faster. In the 70s Sci-Fi imagery started to change, and the flying saucer became less ubiquitous, meaning maybe we'll also be released from the fugazi trafficking paradigm we're seeing in every third DTV actioner or Lifetime thriller--though to be fair, flying saucers were actually fun, as evidenced by how much fun they were in this film.

Finally, I don't know why, but whenever I see the film's title, Alien Love, I get Zapp's "Computer Love" stuck in my head. They aren't the same thing, I mean I guess they're both three syllables for the first word and "love" for the second, but that's it. After watching this I was making dinner, and our fluffy cat Luca was hanging out with me, so the whole time I was singing "Computer Fluff," which makes even less sense. It was really ahead of its time though, predicting how we'd all end up using computers to meet romantic partners. Zapp had some great hits, like "More Bounce to the Ounce" or their cover of the Smokey Robinson song "Ooh, Baby, Baby," and then in the 90s their music was a huge part of the West Coast hip hop scene. Here's to you Roger Troutmann and the rest of Zapp, you were great ones--now I just need to get "Computer Love" out of my head!

With that, let's wrap this up. You can currently get this on Tubi here in the States. It's a lot of fun, and it's only 75 minutes. What better way to support indie creatives? Thanks again to Nate for having us review it, I really enjoyed it.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt28434918

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Countdown aka Serial Bomber (1996)

For our next 2024 Hall of Fame inductee, we have the man we've termed The Seagal Whisperer, Keoni Waxman. Since we'd already done all nine of his Seagal films on here, I decided to go earlier in his filmography for his induction post, and cover this film here, which I found on Tubi. (More on that later!)

Countdown aka Serial Bomber has Lori Petty as an FBI agent in Seattle trying to take down serial bomber extraordinaire Jason London. When his Japanese national girlfriend is arrested, Petty and co. think they have the key to bringing him down, but when Yoko, an officer from Tokyo PD (Yuki Amami) shows up to escort the girlfriend back to Japan, London gets antsy and starts to up the game with his fancy bombs placed around the city. Now it's up to Petty and Amami to bring this guy to justice, while a soundtrack of late 90s alternative music plays in the background.

This wasn't bad. Yes, by the end the whole cat and mouse thing had gotten tired, it may have worked better as an episode of a late 90s syndicated TV show; and there were a few incidents that were a little off, like Jason London beating up Petty's mom, or when a bomb squad expert seems to have solved the wiring London put together for him bomb, only to have him get blown up anyway--London was plenty diabolical without any of that. The biggest key for me is Lori Petty, who is fantastic in the lead; and then we have a great supporting cast, including London and Amani, plus James Le Gros as the FBI chief, which was sweet to see, but made me wish we also had BoJesse Christopher hanging around too. The music was fantastic as well, 90s alternative, none of which were hits, but they sounded like songs that were hits, which is nice enough. For a late 90s free streamer, this does what you need it to do, and sometimes that's all you need. 

For his yeoman's work on Seagal films alone, Waxman was deserving of a slot here in the Hall of Fame, but now that he's joining other Hall of Fame directors with his tag count--this is 13 for him, which is a three-way tie for third--it was really overdue. This is the earliest of his films we've reviewed, coming out two years before Sweepers, which we know he had some friction making with Dolph. I liked this better than Sweepers, telling me that he probably didn't have those same issues with Lori Petty, but he also said he learned from his experience on Sweepers, which probably made him more amenable to an even more demanding star like Seagal, leading to him directing Seagal in nine films between 2009 and 2017, plus all the True Justice episodes. One thing Scott Murphy from All 90s Action, All the Time and I have noticed as we've been going through all of Seagal's DTV flicks fpr the DTVC podcast, is Seagal often works with a director two or three times, and then that's it, meaning Seagal's people probably sign them on for more than one film, knowing how bad Seagal is to work with. I can't imagine Waxman signed a nine-picture deal, meaning he had to have re-upped at some point, or that there were line producers like Ben Sacks who were like "hey Keoni, we need you again," like that friend with a pick-up truck who's always getting called when someone is moving. He's had five films since his run with Seagal was over, one of which we've done here, The Hard Way, but according to IMDb he doesn't have anything in development right now. Even if he's taking a break, he's put together a Hall of Fame resume, and is  truly deserving of his induction. Here's to you Mr. Waxman, you're one of the greats.

 
This is our third Lori Petty film on the site, but the first real DTV one, because the other two were Point Break and Tank Girl. 1996, when this came out, was only one year removed from Tank Girl, and when I looked at her IMDb bio, that looks like her last big screen big budget production. From there she's bounced around between television appearances, voice work on Batman and Superman cartoons, and now microbudget horror films that could use her face on the tin to sell streams. On the one hand I don't get it, because she's great here, like she was great in Tank Girl and great in Point Break; but on the other I do, because I think for as great as the 90s were, they weren't ready for a Lori Petty. Now in the 2020s it feels like we have too many Lori Pettys, but none as great as she is, it's almost like the idea of being like a Lori Petty is enough now. Back in the 90s, other actors cut their hair short and did a Lori Petty-like performance to show their range, but no one made a career of being a Lori Petty the way they do now. Had Lori Petty been born in 1993 instead of 1963, every prestige TV show, indie movie, and blockbuster would have her in it. Instead, she was born in 1963, ahead of her time, but still able to shine in roles like this. I saw that she had a PM flick in 2001, Firetrap, so you know we'll make that one happen soon, meaning this won't be the last time we see her here.

Was Jason London Eminem a few years before Eminem was Eminem? It looks like it in that shot there, doesn't it? 24 when this movie came out, he's every bit the young Gen Xer with his hair, and his beanie, and his big coats. You could've seen him hanging out with Ian on The Grind with Eric when they did the alternative song. "Oh, they're playing Sabotage, where's Ian? There he is, with his messy hair and post office jacket!" There's also a little Eric Nies in this performance too, London is both alternative Gen Xer and pretty boy Gen Xer. But then we have to throw in the 90s baddie who's good at everything and has everything figured out. He knows how to wire the bombs, find out information on the FBI agents after him, break into places and leave tapes everywhere, and is pretty handy with a gun if you need him. All at 24. I was looking at his IMDb bio to see how his career arc got him here too, and he doesn't have the big screen hits Petty had. In '93 he was the star of the indie hit Dazed and Confused, then appeared in a couple Aerosmith videos, but it was mostly DTV and TV appearances from there, meaning this film may have been a step down from those things, but par for the course for what he was being offered. This is now 7 films for him on the site, and while we don't specifically seek his films out, with the volume he does, we'll no doubt see him again.

Finally, I usually save my "where you can find this" for the eight paragraph, but this was an interesting one that required a longer space to vent. IMDb said this was on Tubi, but when I searched it didn't show up, and when I clicked  the link on IMDb it didn't show up either. Letterboxd said the same, but same lack of result. Letterboxd also said Freevee had it, but when I checked Amazon the same thing happened. So I checked Plex, because sometimes they have things that others don't, especially 90s actioners like this. They told me they didn't have it, but gave me links to Tubi and Freevee too. And that's how I got it, I clicked the link in Plex that took me to Tubi, and that's where it worked. How does any of that happen? I mean, searching for "Countdown" didn't reveal it on Tubi, and looking up Keoni Waxman didn't reveal it, but clicking through the Plex link? I'm not sure how it works, but at least I was able to watch the movie and get screens for the review.

And with that, let's wrap this up. As I said above, you can get this on Tubi here in the States, but if you don't see it when you search, try clicking through the link on Plex. This isn't horrible, despite its flaws, it's a fun time with the all names and the nostalgia for the late 90s. And congratulations to Keoni Waxman on your Hall of Fame induction! It was truly yeoman's work directing all those Seagal DTV actioners, but someone needed to do it.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115953

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/