Diamond Cartel (2015)

This is it, post number 1300! Not only that, but Mr. Don "The Dragon" Wilson becomes the eighth member of the 40 Club, and the fourth member to reach the club primarily as an actor. In trying to find the right film, I went with this star-studded bonkersfest from Kazakhstan, which has also been covered by Ty and Brett from Comeuppance--who have been telling me I needed to do this one for some time, so good to finally make it happen!

Diamond Cartel involves a deal between (I think) crime boss Armand Assante and (maybe) crime boss Michael Madsen, that's been brokered by Don "the Dragon" Wilson. As happens with most deals at the beginnings of movies, this deal goes bad, in this case because of an ambush. Among those ambushers is young lady Aliya (Karlygash Mukhamedzhanova), who takes the money and tries to run off with her boyfriend. Now we don't know who to trust. Assante wants his money. Rival crime boss Cary Tagawa wants Assante's money. Wilson wants Assante to pay him. And then when things can't get any wackier, our young couple get to the coast to get a boat out of dodge, and none other than Peter O'Toole is there to help them escape.

Where do we start with this one? We got a dubbed Wilson, a dubbed Olivier Gruner, and a dubbed Peter O'Toole. The plot is all over the place--I made it look pretty straight forward, but, like the Aliya character is a dealer at Assante's casino, and he sets her up so she owes him a lot of money, but instead of being under his thumb, a guy she grew up with gets her stuck in with Tagawa's gang so she can be trained as a sniper. I'm sorry, what? And when she tells the boyfriend this after they're reunited, he's angry with her about it? Later when she thinks he's agreed to give Assante all the money so he leaves them alone, she shoots him. Luckily he doesn't die? This is like a modern companion to White Fire, it's that bonkers, and features a big diamond too. Plus the names are prodigious. In addition to the ones I've mentioned, we also had Tom "Tiny" Lister and Bolo Yeung, because why wouldn't we? (More on Bolo Yeung later.) Is the action good? I don't know, I don't know that value judgements like "good" or "bad" make sense with something like this, you just go with it, buy the ticket, take the ride, and wake up in Astana--just make sure to check that both of your kidneys are intact!

The 40 Club for Mr. Wilson, one of the best to ever do it; and a very circuitous route to get here, as he's one of the few to ever have tags removed because films that IMDb said he was in, like Siege of Firebase Gloria, we later found out he wasn't. But we're here now, we've made it, and for as bonkers as this film is, including the dubbed voice, it might be a fitting film for his 40 Club entry because he's here strictly due to the name he's created for himself all these years. As a kid, when I was first learning what DTV movies were, he was one of the first names I gravitated to, you knew if his face and name were on the tin, that you were in for a great time. At this point he does more supporting roles like this than he does starring roles, which I'm okay with considering how many great films he's given us. The 40 Club has been a long time coming, but we got there, and there isn't a DTV star who's more deserving.

Among the many other names in this, the star is Karlygash Mukhamedzhanova, who plays Aliya. The problem is, between all the name actors that needed screentime, and the story that seems to be shoehorning all kinds of stuff in, we lose her as the lead for chunks of time. She's also the narrator--at least we think, or her narration could be dubbed too. The thing is, the left-turn-ski stuff we get with her character, when she's telling her boyfriend how she was missing for two years because she had to escape Armand Assante by becoming an assassin for Cary Tagawa, it's not as ridiculous as White Fire's "give a woman at a bar plastic surgery so she looks like Ginty's sister, and then Ginty has sex with her" storyline, but it's ridiculous enough, and I don't know how you sell that, but she does her darndest. I saw on IMDb that she did another Kazakhstan action production, this time starring Vinnie Jones, but no one else with him. Michael Madsen must've been too busy I guess, but based on this performance, there are a lot of direct to video movies here in the States that could use her, so perhaps this won't be the last time we see her.

This film has two other Hall of Famers, Bolo Yeung and Olivier Gruner, the 11th and 25th tag for each respectively. Again, more on Yeung in a second, but the fact that Gruner is only 5 away from the 30 Club is a big deal. And as bonkers as this movie is, check out screenwriter Richard Pierce's appearances on the Comeuppance podcast to hear some great stories about making Sector 4: Extraction with him. To round out everyone else, Madsen is now at 15 films, Armand Assante is at 7--which I couldn't believe we'd done that many of his films!--, Cary Tagawa is at 14, and Tom "Tiny" Lister is at 8 films. And then, craziest of crazy, we have one tag now for Peter O'Toole, right? Actually, I forgot that I also reviewed Supergirl during my DTVC Wild Card series look at comic book films. In 2019 my friend and I saw Lawrence of Arabia in the theater, and now I'm seeing him here, dubbed by someone who may or may not have had a stroke, in what ended up being his final film performance. It's always amazing who we end up finding in the world of DTV.

As if this film couldn't get anymore bonkers, according to the IMDb trivia, Bolo Yeung requested that a cat be present in his fight scene near the end of the film, as a tribute to Bruce Lee and his fight with Chuck Norris in The Way of the Dragon, which also has a cat onlooker. I believe this one was CGI, which, as you may know if you've been on here enough, I'm fully in favor of CGI animals being used in films. Cats want to relax, run around and chase things, and eat, possibly with some head scritches and pets mixed in. As much as I'd enjoy a nice Bolo Yeung fight, for a cat, it's really not all that important, and I respect that and think we all should as well. I do think though if you're going to go CGI cat, why not go full Sebastian from Josie and the Pussycats, right? Maybe have him laugh at them, or put a fishbowl on his head and go snorkeling. Just a thought, but even as simply an onlooker, cats always add value to any film they're in. Why more DTV filmmakers don't add them, especially CGI ones, is beyond me. It's easy points with me. Two simple rules to get you a recommendation: stay under 90 minutes, and add cats.

I figured we'd do a bonus paragraph for Mr. Wilson on getting to the 40 Club, and on us getting to 1300 posts. When I started this site in 2007, I never thought I'd be here 18 years later still plugging away at it, or that the posts would still be getting the kind of readership and reception they still do, especially with me taking a four-year hiatus in the middle. After all the people I've met along the way, the next best thing has been to go through so many films from stars like Don "The Dragon" Wilson, who I love. Some I'd seen before I started the site, like some of the Bloodfist films, but many were things I'd never heard of; and if it wasn't for Wilson, I probably wouldn't be reviewing this gem, but here we are, and I'm still enjoying it. So here's to you Mr. Wilson on making it to the 40 Club; and here's to you, everyone who's still with us after all these years. I wouldn't have kept the train moving--or gotten it back on the tracks in 2019--if it wasn't for the support and readership, so thank you very much for that, it means the world, and hopefully we're all still here for the next 1300 posts!

And with that, let's wrap this up. Right now this is on Fawesome here in the States, after sitting in my Tubi queue for about five years then getting removed by them. You never know when a film like this will get bounced, but luckily the name recognition tends to keep it on at least one of the free streamers.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2538778

And if you haven't yet, check out my newest book, Nadia and Aidan, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

Showdown (1993)

This has been sitting my Tubi queue for a while now, and I knew I needed to get more Billy Blanks on the site, so it seemed like a no-brainer. What I didn't expect was a backdoor 30 Club induction as well--more on that later in the post. In addition to us, Chris the Brain at Bulletproof, Ty and Brett at Comeuppance, Karl Brezdin at Fist of the B-List, and RobotGEEK's Cult Cinema have all covered this as well.

Showdown has Billy Blanks as a police officer who's called to break up a teenage house party, only to find Patrick Kilpatrick and his brother terrorizing people there. When they attack Blanks, he accidentally kills the brother, causing him to quit the force, and Kilpatrick to swear revenge. Cut to seven years later, and Blanks is working as a janitor at a worst of the worst high school--the kind where they clean the eyeballs up at the end of the night--where young newcomer Ken (Kenn Scott) is terrorized by a gang of martial arts kids led by Tom (Ken McLeod) because Ken talked to Tom's girlfriend, Christine Taylor. Turns out Kilpatrick and Linda Dona are also running an illegal fight ring with these teenage boys. That's enough for Billy Blanks to train Ken and take down Kilpatrick and company.

This is as fun as a 1993 Karate Kid rip-off should be. Blanks is fantastic as the sensei, and the situation that causes him to leave the force is believable enough. Patrick Kilpatrick is great in the Martin Kove role, though more evil and over the top (Stallone style) as a DTV Karate Kid rip-off requires. Then we have our hero, Kenn Marx, who was 25 playing 16 but looks even older than 25, which is sounds great enough, until you factor in that he's opposite Ken McLeod who is 31 playing 16, so they use all manner of Chess King outfits to try to make him look younger--also good to note that he played a college student in College Kickboxers two years earlier, so I guess if that trend of him playing younger roles continued, there's a 1995 film out there where he plays a 13-year-old? From there though we round out the cast with more familiar names, like Brion James as the assistant principal, John Asher (aka Wyatt from the Weird Science TV show on the USA Network) as the high school friend, DTVC favorite James Lew as one of Billy Blanks's attackers, and then the aforementioned Christine Taylor as Tom's girlfriend, fresh off her stint on Hey, Dude, and two years removed from her breakout role--Marilyn Munster on the TV movie Here Comes the Munsters--which I just found out was directed by Robert Ginty--yes, that Robert Ginty! With all this, I think what works best about this movie is it doesn't try to be more than it is, and I think part of the reason for that is it's directed by Robert Radler, who also directed the first two Best of the Best films and the third and fourth Substitute films. This is the fun 90s Karate Kid DTV rip-off you came for. 

We're now at 11 films for Billy Blanks on the site, which doesn't sound like a lot, but we also don't have many more left to review for him either. If you look at the date, 1993, Tae-Bo took off only three years later, which would make sense that he'd focus on that, but I don't think he picked Tae-Bo over DTV movies, I think he picked it because he wasn't getting the roles he wanted in DTV films. Michael Jai White said in a Vlad TV interview that a producer once told him "I wish there was a white you," meaning "I love your skills, but I can't cast you in leads because of the color of your skin." You'd have to imagine Blanks was dealing with the same thing, and once he did make it big with Tae-Bo, when those same people who wouldn't cast him before came calling, he probably didn't return their calls. Another thing I hadn't considered was if something happened between him and Jalal Merhi, because he doesn't make another film with him after 1995's Expect No Mercy until they reunited for The Circuit TV series in 2020. We know from Cynthia Rothrock's YouTube channel that Merhi wasn't always great about paying on time, so maybe Blanks got tired of it? Those are just my guesses, and maybe it was a combination of factors, but I think it explains why someone as talented as he is drops off not long after this. It's a shame, because we as the audience lose out when this kind of thing happens, but at least we have the films of his we do, including this one. A Hall of Fame induction is probably long overdue for him, so expect that this October--and this would've been a great induction post, so now I need to find something else for him!

Speaking of the Hall of Fame, you may be familiar with The Asylum Rule for inductions, which states that anyone who's in the 30 Club is automatically inducted. We've only invoked it that one time, for The Asylum, because we try to preemptively get people in before that--for example, Danny Trejo's induction post was also his 30 Club entry. That brings us here, to this review, where I discovered that Imperial Entertainment didn't have a tag. When I went back and retroactively added it, I saw that they had 29 films--Mean Guns was posted twice, so they had 30 tags. That makes this their 30th film, and as such gains them entry into the 30 Club. So I guess we now have two of our October Hall of Fame inductions set, and it's only February. I was surprised that I hadn't tagged them already, because that opening animation is a thing of beauty, almost as nice as Cannon or PM's. Like those others, it was a sign that you were in for a good time, evoking a comfort food kind of feeling, like smelling McDonald's fries from one of their establishments five miles away. And like that McDonald's, sometimes the person working the fryer was having a bad day, or maybe you got the last order from that batch before they started a new one, but at least it did the job, like Imperial's films, whether they were the cinematic equivalent of a piping hot order of fries or a limp, lukewarm last-of-the-batch order, they got you to the church on time. In this modern age of 8 animations before we get to our movie, each as unrecognizable as the one before it, it's nice that we have access to Imperial's films on places like Tubi.

Out of everyone else, James Lew, who only has one scene when he's part of the gang that attacks Billy Blanks, has the most films on the site, now with 18. It was kinda too bad that it was only that scene, because he and Blanks are good. Once they realized they had Lew, they should've worked in some random fights between him and Blanks throughout the rest of the film, like maybe he holds up a convenience store Blanks is in. If that scene would be too expensive to shot, what if Lew holds up a kid's lemonade stand? After Lew, we have Brion James with his 15th film. In this role, he's a goofy assistant principal who's trying to maintain some sense of control over the school, like Kevin Tighe in Road House before he decides to call in Dalton. In one scene we see that he's been collecting cigarettes he's confiscated from students so he can smoke them himself. Beyond how great a racket that is, is there another actor who could pull that kind of thing off better than him? Finally, Mr. Kilpatrick as our Martin Kove character now has 11 films on the site. I saw that before this he only had one tag, because I'd only tagged him for Best of the Best II and nothing else. I've corrected that, but even 11 seems low. I think that's because a lot of DTV films employ a Patrick Kilpatrick-esque baddie in their films, so it feels like he was in things that he wasn't. I don't think it's because they couldn't afford him, I think it's because he does so much, he's probably not always easy to find available.

Boom mic, big time. And it just hovers there too, like someone's dog or cat moseying into the frame when they're on a zoom call for work. On the one hand, I want to forgive this and say maybe they didn't plan on releasing a widescreen cut, so they figured the stuff on the left wouldn't be in the final version of the film. I'd buy that, except IMDb only lists the 1:85:1 aspect ratio, and the mic is right above Ken McLeod's head, and I feel like they intended to have him in the shot. Speaking of IMDb, in the goofs section people mention that a stack of books that gets knocked over in one shot is magically restacked in the next, that a folder that was on a table in one shot is magically being held in someone's arm in the next, and that "Selina, KS" was mispronounced, but they all missed the boom mic? Imagine being that pedantic that you're concerned about a stack of books, but you miss a boom mic that was in the shot for the entire scene! I guess when you crowdsource information the way IMDb does, that's the crowd you're sourcing it from.

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can currently stream this on Tubi, Freevee, Plex, and myriad other free streamers here in the States. If you haven't seen this before, it's a fun time. It knows it's a 90s DTV Karate Kid rip-off, it doesn't try to be anything more, and in the process is exactly what you want. 

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111174

And if you haven't yet, check out my newest book, Nadia and Aidan, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

 

Armed Response (2017)

This is one of two Wesley Snipes DTV films that came out while I was on my unplanned hiatus between 2015 and 2019, the other being The Recall, which I've already reviewed. I've been putting it off about as long as I've been back too, so I figured it was time to finally make it happen. In addition to us, Mitch at the Video Vacuum and Chad Cruise at Bulletproof Action have covered this as well.

Armed Response is about a next level "enhanced interrogation"--err, torture center--called a "Temple," which has computer AI that can tell if you're lying by analyzing your sweat, and can then tell you what you're thinking--or something like that. When the soldiers working at the Temple--err, torturing political prisoners--are massacred by someone, Snipes and his crack team of special forces soldiers bring in the guy who created these Temples, a Poor Man's Brendan Fehr (Dave Annable) to help save the team (which they don't know was massacred yet) and figure out why this Temple thing isn't working. When they get there, they end up trapped, and the Poor Man's Brendan Fehr can't seem to figure out what's going on. Luckily the Temple has the ability to turn the sensory deprivation chamber into a Holodeck.

Does any of that make sense? It definitely has the feel of people making it up as they go along, but that's not what kills it--though it doesn't help either. Two things kill it: one, we have a lot of padding. Things that could happen sooner take forever. In one series of scenes, Anne Heche (I forgot to mention she's in this too) and another team member are checking cells to see if anyone's in them. I think they open like 10 of them, and each time we get: stand on either side of the door, raise weapons, swing door open, point guns inside, see no one's there, then yell "clear!" and move to the next one. It's possible they only did this once, and the film recycled it ten times, it was that repetitive. The other issue is, the characters aren't very likeable. I just wanted to see the building kill them all. I don't think I've ever seen a "building of death Destro Effect" before, so maybe that's a feather in this film's cap, as dubious as it is. Speaking of Anne Heche, we do get this film's one true mark of distinction: she has two fight scenes with Seth Rollins. Yes, that Seth Rollins. Between that and the Snipes, who's great despite the circumstances, that's about all we're got here, which to me isn't enough to recommend it.

This is twelve films for Wesley Snipes on the site, and I think out of all of them this was the roughest sit. Usually Snipes alone is so fantastic that he can carry a film through its other shortcomings, but this had a lot of shortcomings and didn't lean on him much to mitigate them. Looking at his IMDb bio, his DTV career looks like it's on the shelf for now, as his roles in Eddie Murphy's feature films combined with his return as Blade in Deadpool and Wolverine have reminded people who shouldn't have needed reminding how great he is--plus I think also introduced him to younger audiences that may not have known of him while he was stuck in DTV land. Last fall Blade was playing at a local indie theater here in Philly, and it was nice to see a large percentage of the audience were kids who either weren't born when that came out, or would've been too young to have seen it in the theater then. Unfortunately a lot of his great 90s films aren't available on any of the major streamers, but he had a great run then, and shouldn't be remembered for something like this.

As we know, I'm someone who likes to be solutions oriented, instead of just bagging on a film, I want to give some suggestions on how it could've been better. Because as silly as that looks above, this could've worked. This is an idea that someone like PM could've taken in the 90s and ran with, giving us a possible classic. First off, get some characters we like. Instead of casting a Poor Man's Brendan Fehr, either get the real Brendan Fehr, or rewrite the character so he fits the actor you do end up getting better. PM would've loaded up with Evan Lurie, Malibu, and the cable guy from Animal Instincts, with maybe Gary Daniels in the Poor Man's Brendan Fehr part and Steven Williams in Wesley Snipes's part. From there, they would've had Merhi or Pepin direct the non-action scenes, and leave the action to Spiro Razatos, Cole S. McKay, or the team of Red Horton and Broadway Joe Murphy. How do you have car chases in a "building of death" scenario? They'd figure it out, and it would be a chase scene that was an instant classic. Instead of padding out the film with multiple shots of soldiers canvassing cells and yelling "clear!" they'd have one "clear!" and then the next one would have a flaming stunt man running out of it. We'd also have Art Camacho choreography some great scenes between Daniels and Malibu and Lurie. If PM could make Hologram Man work, they could make this concept work too.

All that said, we did get one--or rather two--classic moments--is it like the Patriots dynasty? One long dynasty but a ten-year gap of Super Bowls. Here we had one Anne Heche and Seth Rollins fight, then he chokes her out, a few other scenes happen in between, then she gets up and fights him some more, so is that one fight with a break in between, or two fights? Unfortunately the fight ends in a stalemate when the C4 Rollins set near the door goes off and blows them both off their feet, but the sense we got is Rollins was getting the upper hand. There are a couple times where Heche punches Rollins in the face, and we're supposed to believe those really stung for him, and as much as they were trying to sell it, no one was buying. That's okay though, for all the ways this film didn't work, the fact that they had Anne Heche and Seth Rollins in the same movie and said "they need a fight scene" is something that should be applauded. If I'm anything when I review a film, I'm fair--at least I am now, I think when I started this in my late 20s maybe notsomuch.

Finally, Snipes was 55 when this came out, and if we afford for the idea that he was playing someone younger, his character was still in his 40s, right? And he's wearing a backwards baseball cap? I guess if anyone can get away with it, it's Snipes, but once we hit a certain age, the backwards baseball cap is done for us. I remember in my mid-30s I was about to do it, and my wife reminded me that the backwards baseball cap ship had sailed for me. This is not just a rule I made up, or a personal taste thing for my wife. It came up on a sports radio show I listen to, Felger and Mazz, when they were talking about Washington Commanders head coach Dan Quinn, who is also in his mid-50s, yet always sports a backwards baseball cap. In their mind, this made him a grade A tool, and I couldn't disagree. I'm not trying to legislate how anyone should dress, I'm more laying it out there that there are certain realities of us getting older, and for better or worse, the backwards baseball cap no longer being a good look is one of them.

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can stream this on Tubi and a bunch of other free streamers here in the States. Other than the Anne Heche Seth Rollins fight, and perhaps if you're a Snipes completist, this is a skip for me. Also if you want to see a "building of death Destro Effect," that's something I'd never seen before either. I guess if you do this long enough you see everything.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4557208

And if you haven't yet, check out my newest book, Nadia and Aidan, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

Model Behaviour (2013)

Nate Hill is back with another film of his he wanted us to look at, this one from 2013. It's one I'd had in my Tubi queue after seeing some of his others, but then Tubi took it away. Luckily Plex has it now so we can make it happen. In addition to us, Romey Norton at Film Focus Online has covered this as well.

Model Behaviour starts with the grizzly murder of a modeling agent. He's had his manhood cutoff, and is posed in a specific position. Detective Jordan Rhodes (Hill) and his partner Carla (Samira Amira) are on the case, and the prime suspect is blond bombshell Alexis (Stacey McMahon), one of the agent's former clients. Pictures of the crime were sent to a fashion magazine from her email account, which is suspicious, but not enough to convict, so Jordan needs to dig deeper. As he does that though, he gets tangled up with Alexis while everything else in his world starts to unravel around him. Will he get it together in time to solve the crime, or will he be consumed by the irresistible forces of these beautiful women?

This was another great one from Nate. We get a mix of early 90s Erotic Thriller, late 90s/early 2000s post-Seven disturbing serial killer mystery, and more modern police procedurals. From a personal taste standpoint, I think it's that third one, the police procedural, that had more of a negative impact, because he used more dynamic camera shots for that, with a lot of movement and zooms in and out, and I prefer more static shots, but I appreciated what he was going for there. As a fan of 90s Erotic Thrillers, this hits all the right spots, from Nate's lead as the guy who seems to have it all together, only to find out he doesn't, and Stacey McMahon as the femme fatale leading us all in circles; to smaller roles like John McCullough's police captain, who's exactly that police captain from all of these films, and Ruben Francis as the psychologist telling us all the things we expect the profiler to tell us about who might be the killer. All of it works for a fun time, what more can you ask for?

I think if I had seen this before Lady Terror I would've gotten that other film better, because this is Nate doing an Erotic Thriller in a more serious, straight ahead fashion, and I could juxtapose that with Lady Terror which was more tongue-in-cheek. The thing is though, as serious as this is, it never strays from the fact that it ultimately should be a fun time. And I think that's why Nate's work resonates so well with me, he makes the kinds of movies I enjoy watching. Like this film, it doesn't try to do too much, but it also doesn't mail anything in either, and that's an important combination. Nate and everyone involved know who their audience is, what they want, and do their best to deliver it. I know when I fire up a Nate Hill picture, I'm going to enjoy myself for the next 80-90 minutes, and in these times where we have so much available at our fingertips, it makes it easier when I'm deciding on the next thing to watch.

Stacey McMahon's Alexis was a real standout as the femme fatale. She does a great job of going from potentially devious with ulterior motives, to sympathetic and someone you want to root for, then back to devious. It's almost easier to be Nate's lead, because he's trying to piece things together, and we follow him on that journey. McMahon's job is to keep us guessing, and do it in a way that's always natural and organic. I was surprised to see that this was her first feature-length performance, and she hasn't done anything since, because her performance here was so strong. None of this works as well as it does without the job she does here, so if this is the only feature-length role she does as an actor, at least it was a good one.

This is one of many films Nate does where his character gets to hook up with very attractive women, but I've noticed the characters he plays often have a lot of bad crap happen to them too. They get seduced, double-crossed, hit over the head with vases, etc. That's another way that his films work though. He's the one making them, he could just as easily say "I'm getting the girl, and I'm also the best person ever and no one can beat me." We've seen so many vanity projects like that--which was why I didn't catch onto the fact that Lady Terror was tongue-in-cheek right away, I've seen that movie done seriously too many times--and I think that's why Nate told us on the podcast that some distributors don't like films written, directed, and starring the same person, they're afraid of some insufferable vanity thing; but Nate's films aren't that, his main characters are flawed and don't always have it all figured out, they don't always win everything, and that's refreshing compared to some of the other things we've seen over the years on the site.

Finally, as Nate's character's life is unraveling, the inevitable happens: the chief suspends him! "Give me your gun and your badge!" I don't know what it's like in Australia, but here in the US that whole thing is a bit unrealistic. First off, if the chief tried to suspend him, the Fraternal Order of Police would either protest, or they'd invoke an arbitration clause in their contract with the city, and once the arbitrator ruled in their favor, Nate's character would be back on the street in no time. I wish more movies used that more realistic approach. Like instead Nate's character being questioned by his fellow officers as things get more dire for him, they'd be like "how do we help cover this up for you? There are no Serpicos in this department!" "But I didn't do anything? I'm not guilty." "Sure you're not... just let us take care of everything and we'll get this behind us... just kinda stop the whole killing thing." "But I'm telling you I'm not the killer!"

Before me and my realism totally dismantles one of our favorite tropes, the "give me your gun and your badge" scene, why don't I wrap this up. Here in the States you can get this on Plex, or buy it on DVD as part of a Hill triple feature with Jasper and Revenge of the Gweilo. If you're looking for a fun Erotic Thriller, this is a great bet.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2391622

And if you haven't yet, check out my newest book, Nadia and Aidan, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

Don't Mess With Grandma (2024)

This is one that had been on my radar because it stars DTVC Hall of Famer Michael Jai White in it, and when I saw it was on Tubi, I had to make it happen. I wasn't sure what to expect from it, but hopefully if we get enough MJW we'd be okay.

Don't Mess with Grandma features White as JT, a guy who has a job making deliveries for Meals on Wheels during the day, then drives two hours to help his grandmother (Jackie Richardson), who lives alone. This time, while drinking some rum and fixing her bathroom sink, he finds three perpetrators wearing pig masks and brandishing knives in her living room. Fortunately he was former special forces in Kosovo, so he made easy work of them. Unfortunately, they're working for bigger fish, like Billy Zane, who come back. What they're after, JT has no idea, but he can't call the cops because they cut her phone line, and he left his phone in his car, so now it's up to him and his grandmother's dog Rufus to fend these people off--but to do it as quietly as possible so it doesn't disturb his grandmother.

This was pretty fun, but I read online that the budget didn't come in right away, so the filmmakers had to shoot out of pocket to start, which meant there was no rehearsal budget, and that was evident from how some of the interactions went. It's a fun concept though, and White pulls it off as well as you'd expect him too, with his unique blend of comedic chops and martial arts mastery. I think for me the elements become a bit repetitive, even at 80 minutes, which often happens in these siege films, even if the goal is to mix the siege elements with comedic moments. Perhaps with more rehearsal time, those comedic moments would've popped more, which would've mitigated the repetition of the siege paradigm. Overall though, I liked what they were going for, and I had fun, which I think is what counts.

We're now at 27 films for Michael Jai White, so the 30 Club is in sight. I was just excited to see that this was available, because two of his recent efforts, The Island and MR-9: Do or Die are stuck in the limbo that is Starz. The guys at DTV Digest recently covered the second of those two, so maybe that's a sign that one or both films will be released from Starz Purgatory soon. What I loved about White here, is we get both things that he does really well, the action and the comedy. It'll be nice if, beyond his own productions, which do that combination even better, more filmmakers come to him for movies like this. And for his part, despite the issues with the budget, he was invested in making it work, which helped even more. Sure, he can do straight-ahead serious too--Blood and Bone is a great example--but he's unique in his ability to do comedic action, which he shows us again here.

Do you recognize that mustachioed older gentleman? If you said "that's Billy Zane!" you deserve a prize--which I'm not able to provide, but hopefully the knowledge that you deserve it will be enough. We know from other appearances in recent movies that Mr. Zane has been swimming in the Eric Roberts "give me a few pages of script and a decent payday" pond, so to get a supporting character here with more weight to it was refreshing, as was seeing him knock it out of the park. Juxtapose this with Final Kill, which we haven't reviewed yet, but covered on a podcast episode with Ty from Comeuppance (episode 171 in the archives), in which the best Zane we got was him sporting an orange peel on his nose, here he's trying to strangle White, getting bitten by dogs, and walking around with a six-pack of toilet paper taped to his buttocks to stop the bleeding from said bite. This is the fun, offbeat Zane we want, but that he usually has to conjure up himself because the material isn't giving it to him. In this film they make sure to give it to him, and as I said above, he hits it out of the park.

Of all the supporting cast, the standout from an action fan standpoint was Ess Hödlmoser, who played Pam. They had a great fight scene with White, where they really held their own, creating some of the most electric stuff in the film. In looking at their IMDb bio, I don't see anything else in production, which is too bad based on this performance. I could see them as the lead in a smaller-scale actioner, or a supporting role in something led by someone like Michael Jai White. The fear I think is distributors don't want to release something led by someone who isn't a household name, but that's what we're here for. You make the action movie with Ess in the lead, and we'll let everyone know how great it is so they'll go watch it. Easy enough. Hopefully we'll see them again soon!

Finally, how do you not love a good canine co-star? And Rufus definitely earns his money here. This film also touches on a sensitive topic though, violence against animals, because towards the end, even though it's offscreen, Rufus gets the butt end of a rifle to the dome from Billy Zane's character. He's all right, but it's an interesting thing to look at, because even if Rufus violently took out a member of Zane's gang, and gave Zane a nasty bite in the buttocks as well, seeing an animal get it is always tough, at least for me. We usually say it's because the animal is helpless, but Rufus isn't exactly helpless, and as adorable as he is, I don't know how much I'd want to be around him either, yet I still have a soft spot in my heart for him. Earlier in the film, White tricks Rufus into going outside so he can keep him out there, because Rufus isn't all that friendly toward him, but every scene we see poor Rufus lying on his blanket on the outside porch, hoping someone would let him in, I felt so bad for him. It's the reality of having an animal in your movie, even as someone helping out the hero, we don't want to see any harm come to him, at least I don't. 

And with that, let's wrap this up. Currently you can get this on Tubi here in the States. At 80 minutes, with White in the lead, it's not a bad deal, even if it might have been repetitive in spots. Now we just need Starz to free the other new ones he's had come out recently!

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt27786496

And if you haven't yet, check out my newest book, Nadia and Aidan, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

King of Killers (2023)

This is one Ty and I covered on a podcast episode back in November, number 185 in the archives, which we paired with the new Chuck Norris film Agent Recon. Just look at that cover, it looks promising, doesn't it? What could go wrong? In addition to us, Chris the Brain at Bulletproof has covered this as well.

King of Killers has Alain Moussi as Garan, family man by day, contract killer by night. Unfortunately his two worlds collide one evening when he's pulling a job, and his wife just happens to be in the same area and dies after she catches some strays. A year later, as Moussi tries to pick up the pieces, he's approached by Gianni Capaldi, who makes him an offer he can't refuse: come to Tokyo to kill the mysterious Drakos, aka King of Killers, aka Frank Grillo. We say he can't refuse, because a la James Ryan's kickboxing association in Kickboxer 5, if you refuse, you die. Anyway, Drakos has the killers attack him one at a time in his booby-trapped maze, but Moussi thinks that's a bad deal, so he and the other killers go in as a team instead. Will they make it out alive?

Ty and I weren't all that enamored with this, and I think the reason is that cover looked so sweet and carried so much promise. Yes, it had it moments, which we appreciated, but there were also some dead spots, which is something a film like this can't afford to have. The biggest issue though was the whole premise. One, the greatest assassin ever doesn't just take on other assassins one on one, which is what we'd want, he creates this whole booby-trapped space so he has a massive advantage. It was a plot hole so massive that Moussi had to call it out. If your characters are calling out your plot holes, maybe the story should be rewritten. The other thing was the James Ryan kickboxing association construct. "If you don't want to kill Grillo, you're dead." Wait, why? These are assassins, shouldn't the job be enough of an enticement? And why do they need to be killed if they don't want to participate? All that said, we did have some nice action sequences, Moussi brings it, Grillo is great as the baddie, and the supporting cast, including Capaldi, Stephen Dorff, and personal favorite George "Rush" St-Pierre, all help elevate the proceedings; plus we're in an out in 90 minutes, which isn't bad. Sure, it's not bad for a time killer, but that cover and that cast told us this could be something more than a time killer, and that's where the disappointment comes in.

This is now three films on the site for Alain Moussi, the other two being his two Kickboxer reboots, and like those films, Moussi brings it with some fantastic scenes. There's no reason why he shouldn't be the next Scott Adkins, the talent and screen presence are there. The problem is, when I look at his IMDb bio, I don't see a lot, especially a lot that we can do here on the site. If he had been born in the late 50s/early 60s, he'd have had his own DTV franchise in the 90s, something as iconic as Bloodfist or China O'Brien or Gary Daniels's PM three Rs, and to some extent we can say his Kickboxer reboots are that, but as good as they are, they aren't as iconic as those other things I listed. The first one wasn't bad, but the second one was bloated and had too many moments where it was sauteed in wrong sauce. And I think that's the problem here, while it wasn't bloated, too much of it was sauteed in wrong sauce. Looking at a film that did this idea right, Accident Man, it let Adkins cook more than this lets Moussi, and the supporting cast was used better. What if instead of the booby-trapped/forced to fight scenario, they had Moussi fighting different assassins to make his way to Grillo? Each scene building on the first, it could've been closer to that classic I'm talking about.

We're also at three films for Frank Grillo, but unlike Moussi, we have an addition three films in the can that I could review of his, plus he has a ton of stuff in his back catalog that we could review. The problem is, a lot of that stuff doesn't look like stuff I want to review, and I don't know that Grillo is at the point on the site where I'd just be reviewing a movie because he's in it. With that in mind, I looked back at some names who grew into that level. People like Dolph or Don "The Dragon" Wilson were at that level before I started the site, but names like Gary Daniels, Scott Adkins, and Michael Jai White grew into that, and I think what got them there were some amazingly iconic films. Bloodmoon for Daniels, plus the three Rs of PM; Avengement for Adkins, plus the Universal Soldier sequel; Blood and Bone and Black Dynamite for White. Boss Level wasn't bad, but it wasn't as good as any of those, and other than Avengement, I don't know how much modern DTV is making stuff at the level of those other films anymore, so he may not even get his chance to make something that iconic. On the other hand, while I may not be watching a film just because it has Grillo, I am more likely to watch it if it has him in it, so that helps, and he does elevate this film a bit just by his presence, which is always a good thing.

So who is the most-tagged member of the cast? That's right, Stephen Dorff, who's in his seventh film on the site. On the all-time Stephen/Steven/Steve list, that puts him fourth, behind Steven Seagal's 39, Steve James's 12, and Stone Cold Steve Austin's 9. Between the fact that James is no longer with us, and Austin doesn't seem to be making more DTV flicks, Dorff could eventually make his way to second all-time among Stephen/Steven/Steves, which I know everyone is following with bated breath. We don't get a lot of Dorff in this flick, something that's probably to be expected, but what we get is sufficiently Dorff-y to make it work. With how junky the DTV world has gotten in the 2010s and 2020s, Dorff is always a welcomed sight, no matter how much we get of him. Like he says in his old Blu e-cigarettes commercials, "we're all adults here."

Finally, this film uses Julian Sans One font for their credits and location titles. Why does that matter? Because I use that font for the covers and spines of my books. I thought it was just an interesting coincidence, but if you've bought any of my books, and then watched this, you may have recognized it. Is it possible the people making this film read my first novel, Chad in Accounting, which I released in 2020, saw the font on the cover, and were like "that's what we need in our movie!" It's also possible it was one of the ones that came after too, like 2021's A Girl and a Gun, or 2022's Holtman Arms, but not 2023's Don's House in the Mountains or 2024's Nadia and Aidan, because they both came out after. If you're asking "but what about your short action novel, Bainbridge, which also came out in 2023," for that cover I didn't use Julian Sans One, I used Raleway, but who knows, maybe we'll see a film that uses that font, and I can review it and use this paragraph to advertise my books again, right? Speaking of which, the link to my newest book, Nadia and Aidan, is below.

And with that, let's wrap this up. This isn't a horrible 2020s 90-minute DTV time killer, but the cover and cast promised us much more than that. Perhaps there will come a time when we don't need to settle for just "pretty good DTV time killer," when DTV action will get back to the level it once was, but, alas, we're not there now. And for more on mine and Ty's thoughts, check out episode 185 of the podcast.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt14057604

And if you haven't yet, check out my newest book, Nadia and Aidan, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

  

Duran Duran: Unstaged (2011)

We lost one of the best to ever do it this past week, David Lynch, and I wanted to make a post in his honor, so I checked his IMDb bio to see if he had a possible DTV film. By my rules, Inland Empire would've counted, but this gem that I didn't even realize existed actually had the "video" designation, and since I love Duran Duran too, I figured it was a no-brainer.

Duran Duran: Unstaged is a concert film sponsored by American Express and directed by David Lynch. Initially it was streamed live over the internet, but then was subsequently released on home media too. It's from a concert they had in LA to promote a new album for the band at that time, All You Need Is Now, which was produced by Mark Ronson and featured guest performances by Kelis, who both also performed on-stage for a couple songs at the concert. Through the film, Lynch layered other footage, animation, and effects over the performers to enhance the experience in a way only he could.

This was an interesting experience, but I really enjoyed it. Initially it was disruptive to have Lynch's imagery fading in and out over the band, because my experience with concert movies to that point was that the band was front and center, and seeing them was paramount; but as it went on, my brain adjusted and I got into it. We also had the guest performers, which, beyond Kelis and Mark Ronson, included Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance, and Beth Ditto from Gossip (a band and singer I'd never heard of), who were great as well, especially Kelis's inclusion in "Come Undone" and Mark Ronson's arrangement for "View to a Kill," both of which were during the encore. Speaking of "Come Undone," that might have been the most Lynchian of them all, where we had layered over the performance images of someone at a charcoal grill full of hot dogs rhythmically smacking a spatula on it, and small hand puppets of mice and dogs appearing as Kelis sang. Why Lynch thought that went with that song is beyond me, but it worked in a way I wouldn't have expected, and maybe that's something I can say about this concert film overall, it worked in ways I wouldn't have expected.

This might come as a surprise, but I actually haven't seen many of David Lynch's films. Blue Velvet was one, Lost Highway another, and then if I'd seen Wild at Heart it was so long ago I barely remember it. Then of course there's The Elephant Man, which was on The Movie Loft on TV38 in Boston when I was a kid, and my dad thought it would be good for me to watch it with him. It wasn't. And maybe because that's stuck with me all these years that that paltry list plus a few Twin Peaks episodes is all I'd seen of Lynch's work to this point, but I've always appreciated who he is and what he's meant to film. He hasn't directed a feature-length film since this--unless you count him repurposing footage that had been edited out of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me into Twin Peak: The Missing Pieces in 2014, which Wikipedia not only doesn't count, but they don't count this either, saying his last feature film was Inland Empire, only his tenth feature film overall, so he doesn't leave behind a huge filmography from a numbers standpoint, but from a legacy and influence standpoint, it's massive. Truly one of the greatest to ever do it, Mr. Lynch, saying you will be missed is an understatement. At the end of the film, Simon Le Bon calls Lynch on stage, but he doesn't appear, so Le Bon says "he's teleported to a parallel universe, much better than ours." Let's hope Mr. Lynch is in that parallel universe making more beautiful films for the people there.

Duran Duran is one of my favorite bands as well, but I hadn't really followed them much since 2004's Astronaut, so a lot of this music was new to me. My sense of them as a kid was that they were always the coolest people in the room, especially Le Bon, Nick Rhodes, and John Taylor, and watching them here in their late 40s/early 50s still be the coolest people in the room was fantastic. Yes, a lot of the set list were songs off the new album, which I could've done with less of and more classics, but they did hit enough of the classics--and played them right, which is always important--that I enjoyed it. The other thing is, I don't know how many other bands would've embraced what Lynch was doing here. This was sponsored by American Express, and I do have vague memories of them advertising it as some kind of special night, so to have imagery like a person slapping a grill full of hot dogs with a spatula layered over Simon Le Bon singing probably wasn't the easiest sell--and maybe that's why this isn't as widely known as I think it should be, maybe American Express looked at the result and were like "what is this?" Or maybe not, maybe they embraced it too, but by 2011 we were at a point that Duran Duran's audience, like myself, weren't as interested as we should've been in a new concert movie from them. Hopefully, also like me, they'll discover this gem now.

I should point out here that I'm not much of a concert person, which also kind of doesn't make sense to me, because some of my greatest experiences were at concerts, like when I saw Iggy Pop at the Avalon in Boston in the early 2000s. Live sporting events are more my thing, especially now that I live in Philadelphia, a city that not only has all four major US sports of its own, but is also only a 100-minute train ride from New York City all the teams in their area, and a two-hour train ride from the Washington, DC/Baltimore area and all the teams they have, something I've really taken advantage of over the last few years. I have a friend who's a bigger Duran Duran fan than me who attends concerts the way I got to sporting events. When I go to game, part of the calculus is, am I seeing teams I've never seen before? Players? Venues? I never considered that you could do the same thing with concerts, but I remember he saw Duran Duran play in Boston when they were touring on their original line-up, but Andy Taylor was injured in a car accident and couldn't perform, so he drove to Connecticut to see him play with the band a few nights later just to have that experience. The closest equivalent to this with movies is being able to see a film in the theater, but unlike live music or pro sports, where the people involved eventually retire, or worse, pass away, removing your chance of ever experiencing them live, with movies, the hope is we always have an indie theater that will play films like Lynch's, even after he's passed, so people can say "yeah, I saw that in the theater!" when someone mentions one of his movies.

Finally, as I was preparing for this review, it did strike me as odd that I hadn't seen more of Lynch's work, so I tried to get a sense of why that was, and I had to come to terms with a certain reality about myself: I'm a Jim Jarmusch Man. You know the binaries from films like Pulp Fiction--for example, are you a Beatles Man or an Elvis Man? And even though I love a lot of Beatles songs, I'm an Elvis Man. I never considered it before, but maybe the binary with Lynch is Jarmusch. Though Jarmusch is six years younger, their first feature films are only a few years apart, and they have roughly the same number of them over the past 45 years or so. Permanent Vacation and Stranger Than Paradise are definitely more my speed than Eraserhead and The Elephant Man, even if I'm not sure Jarmusch has done anything as good as Robert Loggia in Lost Highway beating up a guy who cut him off in traffic while yelling at him to read a driving manual. I think what this film tells me is I need to get outside my comfort zone a bit and take in more of Lynch's stuff, even if I'm a Jarmusch Man.

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can currently stream this on Tubi here in the States. Maybe not at the top of your viewing list when you're honoring Lynch this long weekend, but considering it's a free streamer, it's worth checking out, especially if you've seen all of his other films--or if you're like me and looking for a way to honor him on your site about direct-to-video movies.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2133214

And if you haven't yet, check out my newest book, Nadia and Aidan, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!