Kill 'Em All (2017)

I saw this was free on Tubi, and I had to make it happen. For a while, a lot of Van Damme's DTV stuff was harder to get on free streaming services, so I wanted to take advantage of a time when one like this was. Now it looks like a lot of them, including this one, are available again, so the rush to make it happen may not have been warranted, but you never know with streaming services, and at least it's been watched, so now I'm reviewing it. In addition to us, our friends at Bulletproof Action have covered this, so you can go there to see what they thought.

Kill 'Em All has Van Damme as a mysterious man who we find on the verge of death, probably having gone through a horrible ordeal. We also have Autumn Reeser as an emergency room nurse being interrogated by the FBI about a shootout that happened at her hospital. What does she know about this mysterious Van Damme guy in black? As she tells them what she knows, we get to see the film in flashbacks--her flashbacks, but flashbacks nonetheless. What is this Van Damme guy up to? What are his motives? What do the Serbian mafia have to do with it all? I guess we need to sit back for 90 minutes and wait to find out.

 

This is one of those ones that isn't horrible, but the storytelling device I mentioned above gets in the way a bit. I liked what they were trying to do, but from a movie standpoint, I always find that jumping back and forth to be disruptive. Beyond that, there was a great cast: beyond Van Damme and Reeser, we had DTVC favorite Daniel Bernhardt; big picture stalwarts Peter Stormare and Maria Conchita Alonso; and someone we haven't seen since we reviewed 2002's painfest Whacked! in 2008, Paul Sampson. On top of that, the action is pretty good, but we're also saddled with this construct of Van Damme's character having a concussion that, like the classic leg wound, is an issue when it is, but isn't when it isn't, if you know what I mean. By 2017's DTV standards, this isn't bad, and if you're a Van Damme fan, a free stream isn't a bad deal to make it happen.

Mr. Van Damme is closing in on his 61st birthday in a few weeks. 12 years ago, when we covered JCVD, I mentioned then that in that film he was complaining how he was almost 50 years old and he couldn't do those one-shot scenes anymore. By the same token, he was in Pound of Flesh seven years later at 55 showing off his trademark flexibility and trademark buttcheeks. In that latter film, like this one, he's playing someone younger than himself, someone born in the early 70s instead of early 60s. I kind of get it here though, as he needed to be the right age to fit with the unrest in Eastern Europe that his character was born out of. From an action standpoint, he's good here, but it felt like a lot of his fights were him dominating--especially his one with Bernhardt, which I'll get to later. It's like the Seagal problem, where he can never lose, only at least here the fights have more choreography and Van Damme isn't spending the whole film sitting. Maybe we should take our small victories when we get them.

 

Speaking of that Bernhardt fight. My issue was, it wasn't a good "these guys both know how to fight" fight, it had Van Damme dominating, so it didn't really show off what Bernhardt could do, or really give us the payoff we're looking for when we're pitting Van Damme and Bernhardt against each other from the start. It wasn't as bad as Seagal and Byron Mann in A Dangerous Man, but bad enough. As far as Bernhardt, this is now his second film on here since we've come back from hiatus, the other being Santa's Summer House, and while he had more martial arts and action in this film, I think his part in Santa's Summer House gave him more to work with. He was one when we started the blog that we had pegged as a future Hall of Famer, especially with his work in the Bloodport sequels; but then he tailed off, and we even recognized it then, in the late 2000s, that he was doing more smaller parts in big budget films--or even smaller parts in DTV films that had bigger names in them. This was more than that here, but to some extent it also followed the trend a bit too. I wonder if the main issue was, once JCVD fell into the DTV world, the parts for Bernhardt dried up. A similar thing happened to Gary Daniels, and he went a different route, getting leads in lower budget fare in places like Thailand--even doing faith-based films. How can we knock it though when Bernhardt is getting parts in big films like the John Wick franchise?

I want to get back to the storytelling device used here. For me, as someone who enjoys writing novels in my spare time, I can see how this may have looked good on paper--though even trying to map it out as a novel, it still feels like it would come off as something that would hurt the momentum of the plot to go back and forth like that, so imagining it in an action film is worse. They attempted to mitigate that by making the interactions between Reeser and her interrogators, Stormare and Alonso, more tense, but I feel like a storytelling device shouldn't need to be mitigated. Beyond that, I get that there's a bit of a Rashomon element here, as we're getting the story from the viewpoint of what Reeser wants her interrogators to know, but when we think of Rashomon, we don't see this kind of back and forth approach, each story in that is delivered individually. Action is a tricky thing, and I think we see just how tricky with all of the attempts we've witnessed over the years to reinvent the wheel with it.

 

This is another one that has Van Damme's son, Kris, in it, which I always like seeing. It seems like Van Damme kicks his ass a lot, which I kind of also get too--you need to pay your dues in this industry before you get to be the lead--look at Frank Grillo, who's finally getting those parts now. By the same token, there's a sense, whether it's Kris or his daughter Bianca, that Van Damme is passing this business down to his kids. That feels more authentic than just "your dad's Van Damme so he's going to get you into the movies," if that makes sense. According to IMDb, Kris hasn't done a film since 2018, but hopefully we'll see more of him in the future, especially getting his ass kicked by his dad in movies like this.

And with that, let's wrap this up. As of this writing, this is free to stream on Tubi, Crackle, and Plex here in the US. I think that's the way to go, especially if you're a Van Damme fan. Beyond that though, the storytelling style of going back and forth with flashbacks was disruptive, and makes it hard to recommend if you have to pay for it.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5767628/

And if you haven't yet, check out my new novel, A Girl and a Gun, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

 

Contract to Kill (2016)

This is one I was trying to watch for a long time--in fact it was the second-to-last Seagal film I needed to see, the last one is now End of a Gun. It came up for free on Xumo, so I jumped at it and made it happen. In addition to us, our friend Mitch at the Video Vacuum has covered this too, so you can go to his site to see what he thought. Now, without any further ado.

Contract to Kill--not to be confused with any of Seagal's other to Kill movies--has Seagal as a former secret service assassin--not to be confused with the other films where he plays a former secret service agent--who's called back to duty for one last job--not to be confused with the other films where he's a former agent called back into duty for one last job--that involves him forming a team that does most of the heavy lifting and allows him to sit most of the time--not to be confused with the other films where he forms a team that does all the heavy lifting and allows him to sit most of the time. As luck would have it, he and his team find out they're pawns in a government game--not to be confused with the other times... okay, you get the idea. This is your standard Seagal/Waxman get Seagal some money 2010s DTV actioner.

 

And that's what we've got here, standard DTV fare from Seagal, especially when it's directed by Waxman. Seagal has his trademark chia fuzz goatee and widow's peak hair; he sits more than he stands; he does some slap-chop fights where the other guy can't possibly get a hit in; and his co-stars do more of the heavy lifting. The thing is, these movies have kind of got me. They're fun in spite of themselves. It's not like a bag of Doritos, where I know where the goodness is, and I know I'll be paying for it later if I finish the whole family size bag; these are more like the Wise rip-off Bravos, where I see them on sale, eat them, realize they're not as good as I remember, but their rip-off-ness kind of grows on me, and I like the idea of spending less to eat something not as good. Does any of that make sense? Maybe I out-metaphored myself.

We're nearing the finish line of Seagal's DTV films. By my count we have five left after this--six if I do Clementine, which I may do because it'll be the one that puts him in the 40 Club. The other thing is, with the slow pace at which I'm putting out reviews, he may get some new films out by the time we're finished, meaning we'll have to do those as well. Seagal is going to be 70 next year--which is interesting, because when we started the site his IMDb listed him as born in 1951, so somehow became a year younger since 2007. I used to go by what I called the Death Wish V Standard for action stars, meaning Charles Bronson was 73 when that came out, so that's the oldest for an action lead. Seagal is closing in on that number, and I feel like if he gets more sit-down roles with Waxman at the helm, he could surge past Bronson's Death Wish V age. I never considered it before, but killing someone with a remote control soccer ball is perfect for a sit-down role--and to some extent this movie sets us up to go there, using drones to do a lot of the work for Seagal instead.

This is Keoni Waxman's ninth film here on the site. That doesn't sound like a lot, but for a director that's a pretty big number. To give you a sense, he's one behind DTVC Hall of Famer Cirio H. Santiago. Does that mean Waxman could someday make his own way into the Hall of Fame? I think it's a real possibility. From a numbers standpoint, I think Isaac Florentine and Sam Firstenberg would need to get in before him, and Jesse V. Johnson is right with Waxman as another director who needs consideration; but Waxman's work as the Seagal whisperer alone is Hall of Fame worthy. Between '09 and '17, the only film he did that wasn't a Seagal film was Hunt to Kill. He also did the The Anna Nicole Smith Story, the one that starred Willa Ford as Anna Nicole Smith. That might be an interesting non-Seagal Waxman to check out.

One of Seagal's costars in this is the always great Russell Wong. I saw on his IMDb bio that he's in the new Clifford live-action film that's opening in theaters this weekend. I wonder who's tougher to work with, Seagal or a big CGI red dog? Wong plays the drone guy, so he does a great job allowing Seagal to spend more time sitting. Again, I wonder who sits more, Seagal in this film, or the big CGI red dog? It's a unique situation, because we're used to guys like Byron Mann or Bren Foster who do the heavy lifting in more martial arts scenes, but Wong is doing it with a remote control. Either way, whatever allows Seagal to do the least amount of work, the better.

 

Speaking of which, look at that screen above, which comes from an extended slow chase where all Seagal does is sit behind a steering wheel and pretend to drive. It's amazing stuff. Seagal also does a fight scene sitting, but this takes the cake for me. With Waxman coming up with new and creative ways to give Seagal action scenes while he's sitting, this shows the lengths of his ingenuity. Hall of Fame nominations are coming in October, and it feels like Waxman is really making a push. If not this year, maybe next year? Especially if more of his Seagal films have gems like this.

And with that, I think we're done. That was quick, right? I feel like I was just starting this review, and suddenly we're on the 8th paragraph. This is now available on Tubi, which makes it a much better option. If you like a good ol' Seagal/Waxman 2010s DTV "actioner," this will do the trick. If you don't, then even for free on Tubi it's a pass.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5470222

And if you haven't yet, check out my new novel, A Girl and a Gun, at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!

 

The Intergalactic Adventures of Max Cloud aka Max Cloud (2020)

I caught this when it was available on Hoopla, which I thought was a big deal, since it didn't seem like it was available for free anywhere else. Now that I've finally gotten around to covering it, it's available on Prime too. Either way, it's more Adkins, and we have a lot to catch up on with him. In addition to us, our friends at Bulletproof Action have covered this too, so you can go there to see what they thought. Now without any further ado.

Max Cloud has Scott Adkins as the eponymous hero of a video game that a girl, Sarah, living in Brooklyn in the early 90s, loves playing. As luck would have it, she gets transported into the game, and the only way out is for her friend Cowboy, who has a penchant for eating "tinned" sausage, to beat the game. That's not going to be easy, because the characters are stuck on a prison planet, with baddies aplenty and danger all around--a lot of places where a character can get themselves killed. Will Cowboy do it and get Sarah out of the game before she dies--and more importantly, before her dad wonders where she is?

The  problem with this one, at least for me, is we've been here before, and I don't know what this film is doing that's new on that score beyond giving us a female video game playing protagonist--which I agree shouldn't be understated, as the stereotype is only boys play video games. The thing is, for me it needs to be more than that. It had some nice callbacks to the games I enjoyed from the early 90s, which was a nice touch, but again, nice touches need to be accoutrements to a solid greater whole, and this just wasn't quite there. There was some good Adkins, as he played a goofier kind of hero, almost Inspector Gadget, only instead of gadgets he had his martial arts ability. The sets were nice too, there was a great supporting cast, and I liked the way the shots of the video game on the TV looked like a 90s sidescroller I would've played; but ultimately, I felt like we were left with a concept that's been done many times before, and the film's nice touches couldn't get it past that for me.

We last saw Adkins here when we did Accident Man in March, and I think in that time he's released three more movies. I'm kidding, but it's still believable with him and his output. This is one of five films he had come out in 2020, which is following four each for 2019 and 2018. Of those 13, I've seen 8, and now have reviewed six, so we have a lot to catch up on, and with the rate at which I'm watching films and doing reviews, he might as well be Eric Roberts, I'll probably never get there with him. The thing about this one is, when I saw it being mentioned, I thought it looked fantastic--the problem was, I didn't know it was going the "player transported into her video game route." I do like though that Adkins is showing us his range here, and maybe in the future, we can get more fun, wisecracking heroes from him who also kick a lot of buttocks.

 

As always, whenever I have bones to pick with the film I'm reviewing, I try to be solutions oriented, so that leads us to what I would have done differently. I think the first thing I would have done is stopped at "kid transported into her video game." Whether it's transported into movies, TV shows, or video games, we've seen it, and I think it takes a lot to take that idea and do something new with it. With that in mind, I think you just scrap the transported into the video game part, and keep the rest. Adkins as the Inspector Gadget-type goofy hero, Sally Collet and Elliot James Landridge as the people left on his crew trying to help him, and the rest of the story of them trying to fix the ship and get off the prison planet is the same. The transported into and stuck in the video game part I think bogged the film down in a way that it didn't need, and also took the elements that were inventive and made it less so.

This film had a great cast, and two great parts beyond the ones I've already mentioned, were Tommy Flanagan as the mysterious intergalactic bounty hunter Brock Donnelly; and John Hannah as the evil villain Revengnor. The problem with both I think is that, with this added intrigue of Sarah trying to get her friend to get her out of the video game, neither Flanagan or Donnely's characters are really developed well, and we kind of lose them for parts of the film. On the one hand it's good, because both do their jobs so well that we don't need a lot of development for them, but on the other, there was a sense that we weren't getting enough of them. Either way, they were a welcome site and fun to have here.

 

Finally, no post like this would be complete without my own memories of early 90s video game playing. The thing about sidescrollers is they were good on my own, or if only one buddy was coming for a sleepover, but in bigger groups, the fighting games that were becoming popular at that time were a much better bet. Winner stays, loser gives up the controller. My wife and I got one of those new Super Nintendo machines that has a bunch of games pre-loaded in it, and we were playing a lot of Super Mario World, until we weren't. I think we got it like two years ago, and it just sits now. Not that I don't play video games, I have some on my phone, but this movie did bring back some of the nostalgia of loading up on junk food and having a friend over to try to beat a certain game; or just playing myself and trying to pass a certain point or gain another accomplishment. Again, ultimately more accoutrements accompanying an overall idea we've seen before.

And with that, let's wrap this up. This is now available on Prime, and if you have Prime, streaming it without paying extra may be the way to go. It has a lot to like, the problem for me was, I've been there and done that with the whole transported into whatever medium I'm consuming, and I think that hurt the film overall.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt9472532

And if you haven't yet, check out my novel Chad in Accounting at Amazon in paperback or Kindle!