American Kickboxer 2 (1993)

I first saw this film way back, probably not long after it came out. I remembered it as good, but nothing really special. Recently, though, it was brought to my attention by a fellow bad movie fan (his site, Movies in the Attic, is listed on the links portion titled "Other Great Bad Movie Sites") that I needed to put a review for this gem on the blog as soon as possible. I decided to pop it on my Netflix queue and give it another whirl.

American Kickboxer 2 doesn't pick up where 1 left off-- in fact it has nothing to do with 1. It's about a woman who has her daughter kidnapped and her husband, played by the cop who wanted to eat instead of help Jerry cross the street when Crazy Joe Davola was outside, is not the kind of man to go out and get her back. For that she calls in the two men that might be the child's real father: a cop with a shitty disposition, and the all too awesome Evan Lurie. At first they don't get along, which makes sense because the cop's an asshole and Lurie shouldn't have to put up with that; but later they form a bond forged in all the fights they have in bringing their daughter home.



This movie's straight up awesome. Where the first one's a sports movie, this one's a total actioner. The plot's simple, and what twist there was, we not only knew it was coming, but were stoked it in no way hindered the great fight scenes. Another improvement over the original was in those fight scenes: the fight choreography far surpassed the silly bouts in the ring in part 1. There's very little substitution for quality martial arts. This is an all around solid film.

Evan Lurie is the man. He's one of my new favorite action stars, even though he's been in very little and it's all pretty obscure. He sports this power mane of a mullet that is so sweet Andre Agassi would have to give it a thumbs up. You can tell Lurie understands the power of his hair, because he only ties it back in a ponytail when he has to fight, knowing that in tying it back it's as if he's caging a beautiful White Bengal Tiger. As an actor he does a great job speaking in a monotone voice, tossing in the occasional sarcastic remark, and making sure to show off his too-sweet pectorals when the time calls for it. How this guy hasn't had more and bigger roles is beyond me.



On the other hand, his partner in this, played by Dale Cook, is an ass. For some reason he, instead of Lurie, is on the cover. I'm not saying Dale Cook himself is an asshole, I'm saying the character he was portraying was. He constantly made life difficult for Lurie by getting into fights at the wrong times and having no control over his temper. At the end he became somewhat redeemable, but only because Lurie gave him his stamp of approval, and for me if he's cool enough for Lurie, then begrudgingly, he's cool enough for me.

The head baddie is played by That Guy Ted Markland. I don't remember him in anything, but see that he's guest starred in tons of shows I've watched before, so I probably recognize him from those. Then, the mother of the daughter who's kidnapped's husband is played by the That Guy from the Seinfeld episode where Newman needs Kramer to go to court to get him out of a ticket. The guy plays the cop that Seinfeld asks at Monk's diner to help him cross the road so Crazy Joe Davola won't kill him. That guy's dead now, having suffered a heart attack in 2001.



The fight choreography is stellar in this, as I mentioned above. There isn't a lot of guys putting their arms up waiting for the other guys to hit into their blocks. The scenes between Lurie and Cook might be the best ones, which makes sense, considering they're the two most seasoned fighters starring in the film. I make a big deal about the choreography, because many films from this time period mail this aspect of the movie in, especially if the film's set for a DTV release.

I feel like if I go into too much depth about such an amazing piece of cinema, I may ruin some of the awesome factor for anyone who hasn't seen it before. Go out and rent this, or bump it to the top of your Netflix queue, and prepare to be wowed. You won't be disappointed.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0164336/

American Kickboxer aka American Kickboxer 1 (1991)

When I was younger, it never crossed my mind as silly that a movie would be called "Anything: Part 1". All movies are technically a part one. It takes a sequel to make that official, but usually it's up to said sequel to distinguish itself from its predecessor with a "part 2". Anyway, this movie actually is packaged as American Kickboxer 1, but since imdb listed it simply as American Kickboxer, I felt both titles would be apt to head the blog entry.

American Kickboxer 1 is about the middleweight kickboxing champ, BJ Quinn. He's a mess, and wins a title fight under dubious circumstances. At the same time this young dandy of a Frenchman is climbing the ranks and wants a title shot. They both attend a party, and fisticuffs ensue. A drunk Quinn decks an innocent bystander trying to break up the fight, killing him. He luckily only gets twelve months in jail, cut to ten with good behavior, and he leaves prison to enter a world dominated by the French dandy. His life spirals out of control, until he gets it together after getting his ass kicked by the Frenchman at another party. With the help of a former rival, he gets back on his feet and bests the Frenchman in the ring.



I must stress before I go further that this is not an action film. It's a sports film, closer to Rocky, than it is to Kickboxer. Our hero never ends up fighting his way out of an alley, or escaping baddies in a car chase. This is about a gifted athlete who loses his confidence and tries to regain it. There were some cool allusions to Raging Bull, which I think is the best sports movie (after Pentathlon, of course!), but for the most part this was a poor Rocky retread of a plot.

The protagonist, BJ Quinn, was not at all likable. I'm not the only one who's said that, as a dude on imdb echoed that sentiment. He killed a man with his fists, which, considering he's a trained kickboxer, make that assault with a deadly weapon. He may not have intended to kill him, but involuntary manslaughter doesn't sound like too far fetched a charge. He should've done a few years at least, and he was upset he got twelve years. I think the writers wanted it to be like the French dandy had a hand in his conviction, because he lied in court, but it didn't come across that way. Quinn was guilty whether the Frenchman lied or not. They should've devised a way to have Quinn attacking the dandy and accidentally killing the guy: something that would've actually been the dandy's fault.



The dandy was awesome. I've talked about the Destro Effect in earlier posts, which stems from my childhood when I always thought COBRA was way cooler than GI JOE, and I wanted them to win, even though they never would. A scriptwriter needs to develop baddies in such a way that we never root for them. Because he failed, the director tried things like putting him in weird outfits, which worked somewhat, but not enough. My favorite scene with the dandy came when he entered the room and headbutted a gym locker shut. Awesome. I call him a dandy based on his fighting attire of spandex, a Speedo over that, and a tassel skirt over that. He was a dandy, but he was cool.

There was a guy in this named Ted le Plat, who played a bad sportswriter, and this guy looked almost identical to Owen Wilson. It was so uncanny I had to look him up on imdb. Strangely enough, he stopped making movies right around the time Bottle Rocket came out, which was Owen Wilson's first film role. Coincidence? Probably...

One of the greatest joys of being alive is The Mullet. It is a thing of pure beauty. And this film is chock full of them. You've got the I Just Got a Job as a Roadie for Styx This Summer Poodle Cut with matching mustache. Then there's the Southeast Asian Spiked Ape Drape (though honestly, it was a kind of weak representation: I'd give it a 5.9 in Mulletude). And most prevalent is the Total Business in Front Party in Back Beaver Pelt, again, in most cases, with matching mustache. I'd recommend this film on Mullet Watching alone.



The music in this great too. I think I mentioned in the Rage and Honor post that I love the synthesizer, and this film gives me that. Also, it has two great songs: there's a Monster Ballad that plays in the background of a flashback montage; then there's an original hit from some Journey cover band. With all the crap movies in theaters today giving me tons of overdone pretentious string orchestra stuff, it's nice to know I can go to the well with something like American Kickboxer 1. There's a Sam Adams commercial where a guy says "Drink that and know that's what beer's supposed to taste like." Well I say watch American Kickboxer 1 and know that's what movies are supposed to sound like.

If you haven't seen this, you need to. This is the kind of film that got us bad movie honks into pouring through bargain bins at local video stores and looking up names like Joe Estevez on imdb. Again, I must reiterate that this is not an action film. Just the same, it's tons of fun, and well worth a night in with a bunch of friends.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101325/

Point Doom (2001)

I first heard of this film when I saw a trailer for it at the beginning of the Don "The Dragon" Wilson film Whatever it Takes. Both films were produced by David DeFalco. In the trailer I saw Richard Greico, Ice-T, and Andrew Dice Clay, and figured it was worth throwing on my Netflix queue. Maybe I'm just subconsciously a glutton for punishment.

Point Doom is about an LA talent agent played by Richard Greico. He's looking for a nice girl to settle down with and thinks he found her at his friend Andrew Dice Clay's strip club in the person of waitress Jennifer O'Dell. The only thing is she's involved with a biker dude (played by the guy who gets his brains blown out by Dolph in Missionary Man) who's very possessive, addicted to drugs, and into it bad after he double-crosses and kills a bunch of fellow bikers for a shit ton of coke. Now Greico's caught up in this tangled web of crap. Is he in over his head? Probably, but not in the world of movies.



This was a pretty bad film. Maybe not even pretty bad, it was atrocious. But it's got so many famous people in it it's hard to write it off immediately. Between Greico, Ice-T, O'Dell, and The Dice Man, it's all right. Then you throw in Angie Everhart in a weird role as a woman with epilepsy, Sebastian Bach as a biker, the guy from Gremlins and Gremlins 2 also as a biker, and then the guy who gets his brains blown out by Dolph in Missionary Man, and just on star power alone you can almost transcend everything else's atrociousness. Maybe that was producer David DeFalco's plan. The reality is you can't polish a turd.

Greico was Greico. I think he was better here than in the depraved Final Payback. It's always hard for me to fully place Greico, because the name evokes memories of his 80s glory, yet films like these remind just how far he's dropped. I guess everyone's gotta eat, but I get the sense that in each of these poorly made DTV stinkers he doesn't quite feel right: like he's playing back the 80s in his mind and wondering how he fell so far. This wasn't the way his career was supposed to go, and he can only hope another Tarentino will resurrect his career the way Travolta's was in Pulp Fiction. John, not Sam.



Ice-T's popping up rather frequently here at the DTVC. This will be the sixth film reviewed that he was in, making him tied for second with Norbert Weisser behind Daniel Bernhardt for the most movies of a non-Hall of Famer. Looking at the films lined up for future review, there's a good shot he can catch him soon. That begs the question: why isn't he in the DTVC Hall of Fame? The reality is it's a personal taste thing with some of the committee. He's kind of in that C. Thomas Howell area, where the resume's there, but a lot of people just don't like him. I must say he's growing on me. He was cool in the small amount he's in this film. Other than a part when he's slicing up his own hand with a knife, he was great as a drug lord looking for money from the guy from Gremlins. With a good showing in Crazy Six as well, I'm looking forward to what's next from him.

Art Camacho directed this. I see his name in a fair number of all the bad movies I watch. I decided to finally look him up and found he's directed five films I've reviewed if you include this one (also Crooked aka Soft Target, Final Payback, Gangland, and X-treme Fighter). Not only that, but in his roles as fight choreographer, producer, stunt man, and bit part actor, he's been in countless others. For the time being I'm just going to tag the films he's directed and call it good. Maybe if I have the time I'll go through the others and tag them as well. He's a pretty busy guy.



In terms of all the other stars, Angie Everhart's part made the least sense. She played O'Dell's sister. The deal was she had epilepsy, and the film treated it like a debilitating disorder where she couldn't care for herself, as if she was severely mentally handicapped. She wore these drab clothes in an attempt to make her less attractive, which, considering it was Angie Everhart, didn't work. In one freaky scene, the baddie, after attacking O'Dell, grabs Everhart, and she goes into convulsions. Eww. Then she's kidnapped by the same baddie, and her health issues suddenly play no part, probably for the convenience of the plot. She's treated pretty roughly. After she's rescued, instead of being allowed the comfort of her sister, she's taken away by the Dice Man so Greico and O'Dell can get it on. It was just weird.

I can't really see recommending this. It's got some sweet B,C, and D-list actors, but beyond that, it sucks. It's supposed to be a sexy suspense thriller, and it's really none of the three. I can't lie, I like really bad films, so I picked this up, but you've gotta be in that small percentile of people like me who take it too far and need a film like this to pull us back from the ledge. Your best bet is to stay away from it.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0186454/

Army of One aka Joshua Tree (1993)

My friends and I first came across this classic when we fell for the Punisher bait-and-switch. We were looking all over for the good Punisher--the one with DTVC Hall of Famer Dolph Lundgren in it. Most places only carried the new bad version with Travolta and a grimacing Thomas Jane. Anyway, this Bangor video store that rented both mainstream and porn videos told us over the phone that they had the film. They didn't, it was the new one, but we found this bad boy instead. If you're wondering, I eventually had to purchase the good Punisher from Amazon.

Joshua Tree or Army of One has Dolph as a trucker shipping illegal cargo for a dealer named Jimmy Shoeshine and a crooked cop played by Just Shoot Me's George Segal. Things go bad when a bike cop pulls Dolph and his driving partner over, and the partner and bike cop end up dead with Dolph taking the rap. While being moved from one detention center to another, two guards try to kill him, and he takes them out. Now he's on the run and he wants revenge. He takes Days of Our Lives star Kristian Alfonso as a hostage, and when she sees his too sweet abs she decides he's the side to be on. Now he's just gotta clear his name before the net closes in.

This is a good time--not that it ever isn't when Dolph's involved. There were some great chase scenes, especially later on when Dolph steals a red Ferrari and Segal counters with a Lamborghini. It was like the old days when me and my friends had Micro Machines and debated which car was cooler. If the chases weren't enough, there was plenty of shooting and explosions, and Dolph brought it in the fight scene department. Finally, just to complete the action film paradigm, Kristian Alfonso shows off her boobs. Cars, karate, explosions, and boobs: what more could you want?

Dolph was great in this except for one thing: his character name. Wellman Santee. What kind of shit is that? Look at the awesome Tank Concrete-esque names Dolph's had over the years: Lance Rockford (Defender), Sam Decker (Detention), Jack Devlin (Blackjack), Ivan Drago (Rocky IV), just to name four. In his newest three films he goes by Mike Riggins, Ryder, and Xander Ronson. How can any self-respecting film maker think Wellman Santee is a name associated with a guy who kicks as much ass as Dolph does? Someone should've made an executive decision and dubbed over all mentions of Wellman Santee with the name Brock Gridiron, or Todd Jackhammer, or... well, you get the idea.

Interesting choice of George Segal as the main baddie. He did Just Shoot Me about four years after this was released, but I didn't see it until well after I'd gotten to know him from the show. I just couldn't marry the concept of him as a crooked cop with the him I knew as a fashion magazine owner in my mind. I was waiting for David Spade to give him advice on how to kill Dolph. This is why it's important to cast the right baddie when making a film like this. Think of the guy from Die Hard: he never goes out of style. Neither does Brian Thompson. On the other hand, I can't think of someone I would've cast in place of Segal. He kind of fits. Maybe William Shatner or George Takei would be better, but that's it.

Anyone who's a fan of Days would recognize Kristian Alfonso as Dolph's leading lady. My mom was actually a fan of the ABC soaps, so I didn't come into contact with Alfonso until college, when a neighbor in my dorm watched it. He and I had class at the same time, and I would shoot over to his room and we would leave together. He always had to wait until Days was over to go, though, and so I followed the soap's storyline for an entire semester with only the last five minute wrap-ups each day. Anyway, with that in mind, I was pretty surprised when I saw her topless in this film. The only thing I can see is that in 1993 she'd been doing Days for ten years, and wanted to get into films, and figured this would be a way to break out of her soap star mold. Based on her IMDb resume, it didn't work.

There are some great co-stars and cameos in this. The sheriff helping Segal track down Dolph is played by Geoffrey Lewis, the guy who raised one of the Van Dammes in Double Impact. Dolph's murdered driving partner is played by Ken Foree. You may remember him both from Kenan and Kel, and Dawn of the Dead. In Dawn he was the guy who survived with the blond chick. I loved at the beginning when he tells her "I've lost a lot of brothers today," and she says "real brothers... or soul brothers?" to which he replies "both." His widow is played by CSI: Miami's Khandi Alexander. George Segal's wife is played by Michelle Phillips of The Mamas and the Papas. Then there's Nick Chinlund, who plays Lewis's deputy. You may know him from Chronicles of Riddick as the guy telling Vin Diesel "You should've dusted my dick when you had the chance."

Much of the film draws illusions to the Bogart classic High Sierra, and I get those. But I see another film and theater parallel: Tennessee Williams' A Streetcar Named Desire. Much of Dolph's manhandling of both Kristian Alfonso and Michelle Phillips reminds me of Stanley Kowalski. One thing we know about that was Kowalski embodied some of Williams' own fantasies regarding being manhandled by a brutish young man. I'm not sure if the director or script writer is depicting his desires for Dolph through the women in this film, or if he just has a low opinion of women and thinks they need to be thrown around and roughed up from time to time. Either way, in both cases (Alfonso and Phillips), the female characters seemed to enjoy it.

This is a definite one to watch. It's in my top 15 of Dolph films. Even if you're not the Dolph fanatic I am, the bad action-ness of it alone is worth it. Like I said, it fills all the main categories of a great bad movie: cars, karate, explosions, and boobs. Plus there's plenty of recognizable faces. If you haven't seen this before, give it a shot. I've seen it listed more frequently on DVD as Army of One, but you may see it as Joshua Tree as well, so look for both.

Note: As one of the commenters mentioned, and I've since discovered, Alfonso wasn't nude in this, she had a body double.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106309/

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Transmorphers (2007)

I'm not sure when I first learned of the existence of The Asylum. Maybe it was on imdb. Maybe a friend mentioned them. Anyway, once I saw their long list of movies with titles similar to major Hollywood hits: things like The Da Vinci Treasure and When a Killer Calls, I knew I needed to check them out. This film was tops on my list.

Transmorphers is more like Cleopatra 2525 than Transformers. It takes place 400 years after a race of robots has taken over the world and driven humanity underground. A small group of revolutionaries has attempted to break free of this cycle of futility and fight back, and they were frozen by the other humans for their efforts. But a new technological breakthrough has given humanity a new weapon in their fight, and the ring leader of the old revolution is thawed and sent to help utilize this breakthrough. If he fails, the robot will learn where the humans are hiding and exterminate them. If he succeeds, it'll be time to party!



I wanted to hate this film when I rented it, and believe me, it's not very good; but I can't say I hated it. Sure, there really isn't anything original about it: it steals from Star Trek, Star Wars, The Matrix, it's namesake: Transformers, Cleopatra 2525, Android... I could go on. On the other hand, it's more like the film maker is stuffing everything he thinks is cool about sci-fi into one movie, and getting paid for it. Don't get me wrong, this is atrocious. The dialog is poor, the acting leaves much to be desired, and the plot is a jumbled mess. I guess it's just a fun bad movie and fun to make fun of.

There was one solid actor in this. The hero, played by Matt Wolf, and, surprise surprise, he's the only one with a half-way decent acting resume. He had a role in the recent Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I wonder if the cast asked him what Johnny Depp was like. Most of Wolf's work has been limited to voice acting in video games, which makes sense because he's from London. I hope to see him in more stuff in the future-- just not from Asylum!



This movie is chock full of women. Many of the upper ranks of the army are female, including the head general. According to the Making Of short included in the DVD, the head general was originally supposed to be a man, and the director just decided to keep the script the same when he cast a woman. That meant she had a lesbian relationship with the woman that was supposed to be in love with the hero. That was definitely a cool move on their part to keep that. Another aspect of gender equality came from the use of the word "sir" for both men and women, stolen, of course, from Star Trek. The main question with a film of this caliber would be: is it promoting gender equity, or is it using gender equity as an excuse to populate the film with tons of hot chicks? It's probably the later, but I'll give them points for the effort.

The robots were done entirely in CGI. One friend described them as "Mechwarrior 2 graphics". Though I never played that game, I get the description. These special effects were solid in 1995, but for 2007, I think the software needs to be updated. Unlike the Transformers, these robots only come in a few types, and they don't really do anything spectacular. They may change from a foot soldier to something that flies. In some cases they don't even transform, making the title even more the cash grab that it was.



In the Making Of segment, one of the actors makes that crucial misstep when being interviewed and takes the accolades too far. He actually says that the director, a man named Leigh Scott, will be the next Spielberg. Wow. This guy's lucky if he'll be the next Albert Pyun or Nico Mastorakis. I love watching the Making Ofs of these atrocious assaults on the art of cinema. The actors and crew do a great job of selling to us that they're really making a great film. I just wish they could watch themselves talking on camera with us people who live in the real world. I know they can't just say "This movie sucks and I only did it to pad my resume; but just the same, I think this is a little much, and I think my agent and I really need to sit down and decide if law school isn't the best option for me." Do they need to lay it on so thick, though, with the "He was such a great director to work with" or the "I really loved that with this character I got to do something I don't usually do as an actor"? We may be dumb enough to rent Transmorphers, but we're not that dumb.

When my friend rented this, the guy behind the counter warned him explicitly that this was not Transformers. I missed out on that because I got it through Netflix. I think if you're going to see this silly thing, rent it from your local video store, and see if you get the warning. If you don't, try taking it back after you watch it and getting a refund. It wouldn't hurt, and you and your friends could have a discounted bad movie night.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0960835/

Rage and Honor (1992)

In middle school and high school I'd seen this film more times than I could count, between rentals and all the times it would show up on TV late at night. For some inexplicable reason, I moved on from this and others like it for newer, badder films. One great aspect of The Direct to Video Connoisseur is that I've reexamined these old greats. It's probably been a long time coming.

Rage and Honor is about a teacher, Cynthia Rothrock, who is also a martial arts expert. One of her students witnesses some crooked cops kill someone. It just so happens these crooked cops are hanging the rap on visiting Australian cop Richard Norton. Now Rothrock and Norton must fight their way through the bad parts of the city to clear Norton's name and avenge the beating of Rothrock's student and find the kid's video of the murder. Oh yeah, and Brian Thompson is the lead baddie, and he not only sports a too sweet mullet, but he's Rothrock's brother.

This film is too awesome for words. Watching it again recently, I just had this feeling that this was what bad action was supposed to be about. The plot was simple and kept to a minimum. The fight scenes were plentiful and well choreographed. And most of all, there were tons of explosions and whatnot. I think a lot of bad movie directors could do themselves a service by watching this gem. Cut out the useless plot exposition, forget the cute Bourne Whatever camera cuts, and forgo the techno in favor of some good old fashion synthesizer music. The formula works.

I must admit the DTVC has been remiss in not showcasing more of Cynthia Rothrock's films on the site. This film makes me feel that much more like a moron. On the other hand, unlike her counterparts in the DTVC Hall of Fame, Rothrock hasn't made a film in four years, and in the last ten she's only made eight. Compare that with Dolph who has done 19, and Seagal who's done 22. (Obviously we can't count Kinski because he's dead, but you gotta believe if he was still alive he'd have done more than eight films in ten years!) She's on par with Miles O'Keefe, who's done 10 in ten years, and none since 2005. What got him noticed ahead of her was his Ator work.

Another DTV mainstay featured in this bad boy is Mr. Richard Norton, one of my personal faves. Australian accents always work. I've never seen them not work. Then you couple that with kick ass martial arts, and you've got a fantastic combination. He's been in a lot of Rothrock films, so we should expect to see him pop up more here at the DTVC. Also, he's in one of the all time great films, Gymkata, which it has recently been brought to my attention is conspicuously absent on the blog. I plan to rectify that soon.

Brian Thompson plays the bad guy/Rothrock's brother. He sports this afterthought of a mullet that looks like it was tacked on to his real hair. It's ridiculous. And he even has the audacity to tie that beaver pelt back into a ponytail. Are you kidding me? Just the same, I think Brian Thompson is one of the all time great baddies, even as an American. He's one of only a few that can compete with his British, German, and Russian counterparts. He was an excellent choice, despite the afterthought ape drape.

One thing I noticed in watching this film again that never made a difference when I saw it in high school was the classic ATM machine Rothrock gets money out of before she's accosted by a gang of toughs. It's so awesome. It takes up most of the wall it's posted on, and has these two big buttons labeled "Withdrawal" and "Deposit." I wonder if any of those things are still kicking around. I'd totally buy one on E-bay or something if they were affordable. It'd look great in my apartment.

If you've never seen this before, what are you waiting for? If it's been a while since you've seen it, you really need to check it out again. If you're a fan of bad action and martial arts, this is a must. My sense is that this kind of film is considered a dinosaur in the industry, and it's something new DTV film makers want to stay away from. Nothing could be sadder, because I'll take this bad boy over 90% of the new crap out there any day.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105212/

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Sci-fighters (1996)

I first saw this on Sci-Fi while waiting for a friend to come by so we could catch the train down to Boston. I made it almost to the end, and had intended to watch it again in its entirety at another point. That was four years ago, and finally, through the magic of Netflix (it had to be sent all the way from Greensboro, SC!) I've been able to relive this bad boy. Not sure what I was missing.

Sci-fighters takes place in the future (2009, to be exact) in Boston, MA. Roddy Piper is some kind of special Black Shield cop who can do what he wants, and what he wants is to investigate a series of rapes that may or may not have been committed by a may or may not be dead Billy Drago. Even worse, these rape victims are getting sick and hatching aliens eggs from their stomachs. Bad deal. Now it's up to Piper and some hot doctor chick to stop Drago before he ends the world as we know it (or as they know it in their fictitious future).



This movie was rough. Not just because of my bias against Billy Drago. The people making the film had very little imagination for a Boston only thirteen years in the future for them. I remember Boston in 1996, and the only huge difference between then and now is Fenway Park. This movie had a creation of a Little Beirut section, had nasty cars, and cell phone technology actually became worse. That aside, there were some cool parts. Lots of gore and violence. Exploding women's stomachs with Alien rip-offs jumping out and latching onto people's faces. It was sillier than it was good.

Piper was weird in this. He had some good fights, but a lot of them stunk. My friends and I were in hysterics in one scene where he attacks these two cops guarding the bad guy. He looked like a little grumpy kid trying to fight with his dad. Only in this case these weak, unfocused attacks actually worked. That was particularly disappointing because I watched the film for Piper. I certainly didn't watch it for Drago.



It's so odd looking back to even a time as recent as 1996 to see how people thought that just that switch of the digits to 2000 would mark all these enormous changes in the world. One of the things this film had was a moon base. I was only 17 in 1996, and I knew we were much further off than 13 years from a moon base where the US could store its felons and make them do hard labor. It wasn't as bad as Fortress 2, where an untrained Christopher Lambert was doing work along with other prisoners outside the space station, but this was bad enough. How hard is it to simply push the fake date forward by fifty or a hundred years? It can't be any stupider than the alternative.

One interesting thing you'll note on your DVD. The word "fuck" was dubbed over. According to imdb, the director thought if he did this he could avoid an R rating-- despite all the violence and gore. He failed, so he was left with an R rated film with poor dubbing that looks like a bad TV adaptation. Anyway, I figured I'd bring it up so you'd know that you aren't watching an edited version of the film: it's supposed to be like that.



I don't know where to go with this. My friends and I got plenty of laughs, but at the same time, it was extremely dumb and boring in spots. The Piper factor was pretty poor, and when you add in Billy Drago, that's a rough combination for me. I can't say completely don't rent it, because my friends and I did have fun, just tread cautiously. Don't rent it at full price, how about that?

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117566/