Pentathlon (1994)

During my senior year of high school, we were allowed to list what activities and clubs we participated in for our four years there. I had a few, like soccer for one year, but nothing to write home about. So my friends and I decided to put in a bunch of fake ones. Modern Pentathlon, was one of the ones I used. After that, I used Modern Pentathlon whenever I needed to list a sport for a security question for an online service. It just seemed to fit years later when I really became a huge Dolph fan that he'd have a film based on this useless sport.

Pentathlon has Dolph as an East German gold medal winning modern pentathlete who defects after the Seoul 1988 Olympics. In the States, there ain't much use for a modern pentathlete, so he works at a diner for TC, because there's not much work for a helicopter pilot after Magnum PI either. At the same time, his former Nazi/Stasi coach, played Hutch of Starsky and Hutch fame of all people, has tracked him to LA in an attempt at revenge. As Dolph plans his comeback for the '96 team, he has to deal with all this crap from these neo-Nazis. If he wasn't Dolph, he probably wouldn't pull it off.

This movie is a silly as it sounds, a most ridiculous concept, yet so hilarious that Dolph fans won't find a shortage of great a material to mock. I first screened this with my friends at Dolph Fest '07 a few months ago, and it was an instant hit. The hairdos, the Dolph running, the Dolph in a Speedo, the TC from Magnum, the Hutch from Starsky and Hutch, and the fact that this action film centered around the sport of Modern Pentathlon, all made for entertaining viewing.

As we've said many times at the DTVC, Dolph Lundgren is the pinnacle of the bad action hero. No one does Direct to Video better. Just the same, I must say I have been remiss in not seeing this way sooner. Dolph Fest '07 was the first time, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that, because this is a Lundgre-classic. It's not as bad as the guy who was having a conversation with me about Shakespeare who said: "ooh, yeah... I haven't read Macbeth," or my old roommate who was a self-styled Mel Gibson guy that hadn't seen any Mad Max films, but in my mind it's pretty close. At least now I've seen it, and I own it, so no one can impugn my integrity as a Dolph fanatic.

I have to include a couple of words about TC here. He's kind of an Apollo Creed type character from Rocky III, as he leads Dolph on his comeback to former Olympic glory. The interesting thing is that he's killed during the film, while Creed isn't killed until the Rocky after, and by Dolph Lundgren, no less. I still can't get over that scene where Dolph kills Creed in Rocky IV, because I'm a boxing fan, and I've never seen a fight where there weren't doctors on site to monitor the event, yet at this huge deal between Creed and Lundgren that had James Brown at it, it takes Stallone cradling Creed in his arms to yell "Can someone call a doctor!" before help arrives.

If you're ever lucky enough to find this at a video rental store or a place selling used VHSs, get it immediately: you so won't be disappointed. I'll even go as far as to say if you and your friends really love watching bad movies and making fun of them, go to Amazon and order this puppy. I've never made that kind of recommendation before, but I'm doing it now, because this film is worth it.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110805/

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/