Most of my friends know about my blog and my penchant for bad movies, and it's usually titles like this that elicit that laugh and head shake. Snakes on a Plane is a funny enough idea, but when I tell them I'm watching a film called Snakes on a Train, I get one of those: "Only you, Poirier." Perhaps, only me.
Snakes on a Train is about a rural Mexican couple. The girl is cursed with some snake hex that makes her regurgitate the reptiles, and, if not cured, will turn her into a giant one. Her boyfriend is a pretty decent witch doctor, but this is too big for him and he needs his uncle's help-- who's in LA. So they hop on a WWII era passenger train in El Paso, and all hell breaks loose. Sorta kinda, I guess. Eventually the women turns into a big CG snake and tries to eat the plane-- I mean train. Whatever.
Blah. A big ol' pile o' blah. While Snakes on a Plane was fun and goofy and had Samuel L. Jackson, this was dumb and boring and had Frank from When a Killer Calls in it for like five minutes. The plot was worthless, the acting was beyond mailed in, and I just wasn't sure why this was made. I mean, I understand they wanted to package a film with a similar title to get people to rent it. But my buddy's girlfriend and her friend suggested a better script where the snakes were banditos with sombreros and moustaches robbing the train. Why didn't they do that?
I really loved Snakes on a Plane, and I think the people at The Asylum missed what made that a great film. It's possible that they don't get what makes anything a good film. Maybe I should invite a representative of their production company or whatever up to my place for Dolph Fest 2008. If I just hit them with the Showdown in Little Tokyo Bridge of Dragons two-fer, we could eliminate all their Snakes on a Trains and When a Killer Callses. That's my dream, anyway. It's like they work from such an awesome premise: rip-off popular movies in the theater with DTV releases that have similar titles. But then they forget the most important ingredient: Fun. Well, Love, then Fun. The Asylum, I want to give you that, if you want to take it.
Peter Mervis Directed this. He's also the dirty bastard behind When a Killer Calls. In this one, he's credited as the Mallachi Brothers, and his acting part isn't credited at all. Did he not want this one on his record? The acting part was so gross and slimy, I can understand not wanting his name on that: he plays the DEA dude who gets a chick to make out with him after he busts her with a bunch of coke. Eww. He supposedly directs Da Vinci Treasure, which I may find myself watching, because it has C. Thomas Howell. We'll see what happens there.
I haven't go anything left to give you. This was a pile of suck. And something tells me it was an intentional pile of suck, which made me more annoyed. I could've spent that 90 minutes of my life watching Live by the Fist again. The Asylum is now 1-for-3, and o-fer-the last two, so it's not looking good. At this point I'm limiting myself to only Asylum pictures that have actors I know in them, until I see a couple I enjoyed, like Transmorphers.
For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0843873/
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