The Direct to Video Connoisseur

I'm a huge fan of action, horror, sci-fi, and comedy, especially of the Direct to Video variety. In this blog I review some of my favorites and not so favorites, and encourage people to comment and add to the discussion. If you click on an image, it will take you to that post's image page, which includes many more pics from the film and other goodies I couldn't fit in the actual review. For announcements and updates, don't forget to Follow us on Twitter and Like our Facebook page. If you're the director, producer, distributor, etc. of a low-budget feature length film and you'd like to send me a copy to review, you can contact me at dtvconnoisseur[at]yahoo.com. I'd love to check out what you got.

Announcement

Announcement

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I checked the page, and I wanted to make a few announcements.

First and foremost, it appears a dubious site has claimed the old url, meaning any link in any review that goes to the old mattmovieguy url is corrupt. I'm in the process of trying to remove them all, but it's a lot! It's best not to click on any link without hovering over it first to make sure it doesn't have mattmovieguy in the url.

Second, it appears since my last trip to the blog, Photobucket has decided to charge for third party hosting, meaning none of my images are appearing anymore. That's simply an aesthetic issue, but still annoying.

Thank you all for your patience, and again, hopefully this will all be fixed soon.

--Matt

Monday, May 7, 2007

Dungeons and Dragons 2: Wrath of the Dragon God (2005)

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I'm not a big Dungeons and Dragons guy. I know very little about it, primarily that it's some kind of fantasy romanticizing the Dark Ages. Yeah, virtual slavery, a plague, and a deadly apartheid against women is hot to me too, I guess. The other thing I know about Dungeons and Dragons is they play their game with different kinds of dice. I found that out when I went to a local games store, and picked up a twenty-sided die to play Monopoly with. It completely changes the game when you can potentially shoot from Go to Free Parking in one roll.

Anyway, I never saw the first Dungeons and Dragons, which was in the theater and had a Wayans brother in it. My friends were adamant that I see it, because they said it was hilarious. We rented this sequel over the summer, with the assumption it'd be as funny as that one.

As far as I can tell, Bruce Payne reprises his role from the first movie as the Blue Lipped Guy. I'm trying to remember what happened, but it seemed like a chick was cursed, and her homeboy wanted to save her, so he had to assemble a team of elves and shit to cure her. There's something about unleashing a dark dragon too, and I think Blue Lipped Guy is doing that, and I also think he cursed the chick so she couldn't stop him.

The summary on imdb was just too funny not to include:

Based on the phenomenally successful role-playing game,
Dungeons & Dragons 2 takes you deeper into the dark and fantastical world of
this fantasy epic. When the evil sorcerer Damodar braves a perilous whirlwind
vortex to steal the elemental black orb he declares a sinister plan of vengeance
against the kingdom of Ismir. Berek, a decorated warrior, and Melora, an amateur
sorceress join four heroes representing Intelligence, Wisdom, Honor and Strength
to battle against Damodar's growing army of gruesome creatures, flying harpies
and an ice dragon to reach a vault room holding the orb. Together, they build
their own army to retrieve the orb using elemental forces to defeat Damodar
before he summons the sleeping black dragon whose omnipotent evil powers could
lay waste to the entire kingdom. Written by
Press Release (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0406728/plotsummary)

Damodar and Ismir? That's just plain ridiculous. I was shocked when I went to imdb and found out this movie was only a shade over 100 minutes long. It felt like three hours. My friends, I guess, had played the game before, and knew people that played more often. My experience with the culture was way more scant, and as such, I didn't get the jokes they were making about things in the movie. The plot just seemed like an endless series of bad things happening, spells being cast at the last moment, and things being temporarily resolved.

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I was very angry with this movie. It was so banal it made me sick to my stomach. There was a part where an elf teleported, and her arm was stuck in a stone block or something. It was just weird and disgusting. Also, the dialogue was rife with that polysylobic discourse that's more pedantic than sophisticated, which annoys the piss out of me. I don't know what it is with these fantasy types where they gotta take themselves so seriously all the time, but it gives me a headache. You lose the right to take yourself seriously when you can put characters named Damodar in a movie with a straight face.

Don't touch this sack of ass crack. The friends I watched the movie with were in agreement that it was a complete waste of time and money-- we spent a dollar to rent it on dollar-movie-night, and we still felt robbed, because we could've seen something else. To quote a buddy of ours, "something about my body didn't feel right."

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0406728/

2 comments:

  1. "You lose the right to take yourself seriously when you can put characters named Damodar in a movie with a straight face."

    LMAO =D

    ReplyDelete